Struggling to cope with a rapid change...

[StrugglingS]

Firstly I'll apologise for the wall of text to follow. I've got a lot to get off my chest, and I'm really struggling to deal with it all right now. It's all very fresh in my mind and I know that is a big part of the problem, but it's hard to get past the way I'm feeling in order to be rational about it all.

 

First a little background: I was in a fairly long-term relationship until November of last year - it was always a little... pressurised, she was very insecure, hated most of my friends and never trusted me. Not only that but she hated a lot of the things that I enjoyed - DVDs, cinema, computer games... We 'split up' on several occasions, usually only to get back together with the intention of 'seeing how things go', which basically meant that we glossed over the issues.

 

Towards the end I was getting more and more tired of feeling so claustrophobic - it was difficult to do anything that I enjoyed without her complaining about it, and we argued ALL the time, so I broke it off, although I could have done it a lot better - I was a real coward and did it by text message, although we spoke and met afterwards. It was very difficult, but I stuck to my decision, despite all the emotional blackmail that I was getting back.

 

Anyway, onto the current situation. Just before Christmas I met a girl at work, and we just clicked - that first evening I 'accidentally' missed 3 buses so I could carry on talking to her, and when I said I had to go or I'd miss another, she offered to drive me home. On the drive to mine we talked and talked, and it all felt very natural - I know it's a cliche, but it felt like we had known each other for years and years. Over the next 3 months or so we got closer and closer, or so it felt, and everything seemed pretty much perfect - we spent hours and hours on the phone or on Skype, saw each other 2 or 3 evenings per week and generally had a really nice time together - I got on so well with her family which was really important for me - I didn't get on with my previous girlfriend's family at all which was one of the biggest issues, so to get on with and like the new girl's family, and for her to get on so well with mine was awesome.

 

I can't explain how I felt about her - I've been in a couple of long-term relationships before and I thought I knew what it was to love someone, but with her it was fantastic, absolute bliss... It was so nice talking to her, and we could talk for hours it seemed. She was so much fun to be with, her family were great and the sex was INCREDIBLE! I've never been one who placed a huge amount of importance on the physical side of relationships, but it was so intimate, such a strong feeling... Emotionally, I've genuinely never felt as strongly as I did... DO for her...

 

Now I knew that there were certain issues - she had been in a long relationship (6 years) with her previous boyfriend, had tried to split up with him last year but he had begged her to stay with him until after his birthday and after Christmas, which she agreed to. Obviously meeting me shortly before Christmas meant that there was some overlap, but it convinced her that splitting up was the right thing to do, so she split up with him and while it was very hard - he didn't take it very well - she seemed a lot happier because of it. She still has a lot of contact with him, they're going to an international car convention together in the summer which was arranged some time ago, and he is fixing up her car that she's driving there in. I didn't have any issue with her having contact with him, because she was adamant that he made her unhappy and that she wanted out, and had done for quite some time. He has said that after the convention, he won't want to see her any more because it's too difficult to remain friends with her.

 

The first real problem was Valentine's weekend - I had planned a really nice weekend, we were going to see each other for the entire weekend, bar a few hours on the saturday when she was doing her cleaning job and meeting up briefly with the ex about the car... The Friday went really well, we had a really nice evening and night together, and I went to the house that she cleaned and we walked the dog, and I went home after lots of hugging and kissing... When we met up in the evening she was really quite remote, and on the Sunday as well - the gift I bought her cheered her up, but when I asked what was wrong she said that her ex had given her a card and presents and made her feel really guilty for breaking up with him.

 

She apologised later on for not making the weekend as nice as it had been planned, but I understood where the ex was coming from - I've been there myself.

 

The second (and 'final') problem was a few weekends ago - I had booked a cottage for a romantic weekend away together, and we went and again, it started really really well - I knew she had been asking for a certain gift from her family for 3 or 4 years, so I managed to track it down, then planted it on the bed when we first arrived and made up an excuse to get her to go upstairs for something... Cue plenty of squealing and her running downstairs to hug and kiss me. The Saturday was nice as well, but on the Sunday she seemed really remote and disconnected... I brought it up and she basically said that she wasn't sure she liked me in 'that' way, and that it had all happened so quickly. Obviously that put a real downer on the weekend, so we left earlier than planned the next day and drove home - she dropped me off at home and after a quick hug and a 'sorry', she drove off.

 

Now I've not cried in nigh-on 10 years, but as soon as I got in I had to go to the toilet and just cried and cried. I'm not at all a crier, but it hit me so hard and so suddenly that I couldn't help but feel like my world had just completely fallen in on me. It was so sudden as well - all the week leading up to us going away she had been telling and texting me how much she was looking forward to us going and how much she liked me, but all of a sudden it was over, and I couldn't get my head around it, I genuinely felt that I'd had no warning at all.

 

So that was what, 4 weeks ago? We've carried on talking and seeing each other since then, and slept together once since splitting up, although since then she's shown no affection at all. Even that one time I felt like I was imposing almost, although she had been the one to suggest that I stay the night, and to tell me that she was looking forwards to sleeping together.

 

I know I've been too clingy for the sort of person she is, but every time I saw or spoke to her I always came away with a spring in my step and a huge smile - she had the most incredible effect on me, and still has that same effect. It's really frustrating because I've started doing all the things that annoyed me most about my ex - getting a bit jealous and angry if she didn't respond to my text messages straight away, wondering where she was going, even considering trying to look at her phone to see who she had been texting - that was something I know my ex had done and we had so many arguments about it - although I know that it shouldn't matter, that she should be entitled to read through, but I felt that it was an invasion of my privacy. It was so frustrating to see myself doing all the things I hated most about my ex and the worst thing was that I didn't seem to be able to stop - I kept doing the things I knew would push her away.

 

I'm really struggling to deal with it - I finally got a proper answer out of her the other day - she's not great for having serious conversations with and will often burp or blow a raspberry or pull a face if she feels that things are getting too serious. She told me that I'm 'a safe bet', and that she could see herself still being with me in 10 years, but that's not what she wants right now. We had spoken about being friends with benefits, but I've been there before with other people and it's always worked out really badly, so I wasn't keen on the idea. Like I said, we slept together once since then, but it felt quite remote and almost like I was taking advantage - I didn't enjoy it anywhere near as much as I always had until then. It's also difficult because another of her male friends has suddenly come back on the scene - I know that she loved him at one point, but he got scared and nothing came of it. He got quite annoyed when he discovered that she and I were seeing each other - I know they had a conversation about it and he got quite depressed, saying that 'this time you're really serious' or something along those lines to her, and she agreed with him. Even in her Valentines day card to me she said she thought she was starting to fall in love with me. Obviously he's ecstatic now that it's not worked out, and although he's protested that he's sad on her part, she's said she knows that he's really glad. Her best friend hated me as well - we'd never actually properly met, but I was taking away some of the time they spent together, so she automatically hated me.

 

Since she told me that she just doesn't see me that way I've admittedly felt a lot better - less of the horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach... At the same time though, I miss the constant presence that knowing she was available and thinking of me provided. I'm trying to give her time and space, but it's really difficult - I keep catching myself checking my phone to see if she's texted me - I sent her a good morning text this morning when I go up and haven't heard back yet, and I know she's out tonight so I'm unlikely to hear, and that's playing on my mind.

 

I just don't want to feel so uncertain - I really really REALLY like her, and if I could know that we would have a chance given a couple of months, I'd be more than happy to wait - she's got a lot on right now with training for a marathon, plus this car convention, plus a couple of other issues. Her Mum has told me to persevere, I know that her Mum really likes the way that I treat her, but obviously it's not down to her Mum whether she loves me or not. She's told me once that she's not the settling down kind, but I don't think that's the case - she has quite a serious medical condition as well, and I think that that makes her want less to commit, but tbh it makes me want that much more to look after her and make sure that she's treated well.

 

I know that she doesn't know what she's likely to want in a few months, but I'm caught between wanting to be there in case she changes her mind, while not wanting to put myself on the shelf if things don't work out in the future. I'd love to stay friends with her, but it means a big change in my attitude, and I know that it's all very fresh and difficult to deal with right now, but I'm not sure whether I can make that change, and if I'm NOT able to make that change, can I even continue seeing her?!

 

Gahh... It's so difficult trying to sort out my feelings right now - I've literally just seen her (she sometimes comes into where I work) and I'm smiling like a loon again, but at the same time, I wonder how long can this last?! How long before I hear that she's seeing someone, or has done something to/with someone... She's quite open about what she does/has done with people... And having said that, she's just walked straight out without saying anything to me so hey pronto, I'm feeling rough again. Then she phones me to say sorry for not stopping to talk but she was double-parked, so I'm up again, but I feel disconnected from her during the conversation so I feel down... I'm like a yo-yo emotionally!

 

I need to get back to the way I was before I was going out with my ex - completely happy with the person I was, happy with my friends and with what I was doing and where my life was going. Financially I'm in a great position right now, but socially I'm the worst I've been... ever! I think that was part of the problem - I lost touch with friends while I was going out with my ex, and the new girl I think was probably a bit... worried, perhaps? that I was relying too much on her. Justifiably so, I'd say.

 

I'm trying to keep as busy as possible - lots of sport, badminton, squash, volleyball, jogging/running... The busier I keep myself, the less I dwell on things, although I'm still doing a lot of dwelling. I'm trying to meet new people from London/Heathrow, but it's hard! When I was at college or university it seemed like new friends/mates just fell in my lap, but now it seems ridiculously hard to meet new people, and all I'm really wanting right now are people to talk to - to text or email really. Sure it would be great to meet up with people for coffee, but that depends on vicinity, and on meeting them in the first place.

 

Sorry about the huge post, I've pretty much kept this all bottled up and it's been quite cathartic to get it out.

 

 

Thanks for reading this far, and please, do let me know what your thoughts are.

 

 

S.

[hoping2heal]

WHEW. Okay Well you certainly have been through the wringer. This girl seems more than a little flaky. Dating one guy - dating you at the same time - and then deciding that you seem like the better option at the time - so breaking up with him. Continuing to stay in contact with him regardless. Having sex with you, spending time with you, bringing you to meet her family yet "she's just not that into you." Realizes you are a stable guy and that turns her off. "That's what that whole "you're a sure thing but I"m not sure I want that right now." This girl has drama class written all over her, hey is her middle name Theater? Just saying.

 

Thank goodness you knew better than to go for the friends with benefits thing. To be honest? It sounds like this girl is full of gimmicks and you bought each and every one that she sold. Gimmicky people can be very intoxicating and alluring. They are all the bells and whistles that captivate us - used effectively to cover the not so great deal you are REALLY getting when you buy in.

 

This girl does not have a good head on her shoulders and seems to sway to and fro right along with the wind. Bad news for her boyfriends, just ask the last one. I know that right now you are still caught up in her bag of tricks and you aren't clearly seeing the smoke in mirrors but that seems to be about what this girl adds up too.

 

Let me give you a little heads up - any girl who realises you are stable, dependable and will treat her right - and she runs? Not settled, not sorted out, very emotionally immature yet in life. I think the best thing you can do for yourself is get out of her life and stay that way until you get your head together. Don't make a bad situation harder by constantly immersing yourself in the midst of the head spin.

[StrugglingS]

WHEW. Okay Well you certainly have been through the wringer. This girl seems more than a little flaky. Dating one guy - dating you at the same time - and then deciding that you seem like the better option at the time - so breaking up with him. Continuing to stay in contact with him regardless. Having sex with you, spending time with you, bringing you to meet her family yet "she's just not that into you." Realizes you are a stable guy and that turns her off. "That's what that whole "you're a sure thing but I"m not sure I want that right now." This girl has drama class written all over her, hey is her middle name Theater? Just saying.

 

Thank goodness you knew better than to go for the friends with benefits thing. To be honest? It sounds like this girl is full of gimmicks and you bought each and every one that she sold. Gimmicky people can be very intoxicating and alluring. They are all the bells and whistles that captivate us - used effectively to cover the not so great deal you are REALLY getting when you buy in.

 

This girl does not have a good head on her shoulders and seems to sway to and fro right along with the wind. Bad news for her boyfriends, just ask the last one. I know that right now you are still caught up in her bag of tricks and you aren't clearly seeing the smoke in mirrors but that seems to be about what this girl adds up too.

 

Let me give you a little heads up - any girl who realises you are stable, dependable and will treat her right - and she runs? Not settled, not sorted out, very emotionally immature yet in life. I think the best thing you can do for yourself is get out of her life and stay that way until you get your head together. Don't make a bad situation harder by constantly immersing yourself in the midst of the head spin.

It's funny you should say that - her background is actually theatre.

 

I'll be honest, I was all set for the friends with benefits thing, but I've just been getting more and more messed up, and like I said, the one time we did sleep together after we broke up, I felt awful afterwards.

 

You're 100% right - I found her incredibly sexy, alluring and intoxicating - she was SO different from my previous gf, confident, funny, outgoing, a little crazy, and her family was great. Her family and some of her attitudes on my ex's loyalty would have been my perfect partner, tbh.

 

I know I need to kick her out of my life - I'm seeing her tomorrow night because we have a football match to go to, and we're supposed to be babysitting on Saturday, which I may well cancel, then I have volleyball with her brother on Monday, but it's the last game of the season, so from then onwards I'm going to try to make it a clean break.

 

Part of the problem is that it's not going to be a clean break - she works where I do, albeit only 1 or 2 half days a week, so I'm going to keep seeing her, but I'm going to do my best to be the confident, funny guy that she first met. I don't know why I changed so much, or so rapidly, but I need to find that part of me that girls find attractive, because right now? Right out the window. :-S

 

I just had plans, you know? I was genuinely thinking that she could be the one - give it 9 more months of the bliss we had for the first 3 months, and I'd most likely be looking for a ring.

 

Life has it's ups and downs, but it's a little too much of a rollercoaster for me right now.

[hoping2heal]

It's funny you should say that - her background is actually theatre.

 

I'll be honest, I was all set for the friends with benefits thing, but I've just been getting more and more messed up, and like I said, the one time we did sleep together after we broke up, I felt awful afterwards.

 

You're 100% right - I found her incredibly sexy, alluring and intoxicating - she was SO different from my previous gf, confident, funny, outgoing, a little crazy, and her family was great. Her family and some of her attitudes on my ex's loyalty would have been my perfect partner, tbh.

 

I know I need to kick her out of my life - I'm seeing her tomorrow night because we have a football match to go to, and we're supposed to be babysitting on Saturday, which I may well cancel, then I have volleyball with her brother on Monday, but it's the last game of the season, so from then onwards I'm going to try to make it a clean break.

 

Part of the problem is that it's not going to be a clean break - she works where I do, albeit only 1 or 2 half days a week, so I'm going to keep seeing her, but I'm going to do my best to be the confident, funny guy that she first met. I don't know why I changed so much, or so rapidly, but I need to find that part of me that girls find attractive, because right now? Right out the window. :-S

 

I just had plans, you know? I was genuinely thinking that she could be the one - give it 9 more months of the bliss we had for the first 3 months, and I'd most likely be looking for a ring.

 

Life has it's ups and downs, but it's a little too much of a rollercoaster for me right now.

 

Yes that's exactly right. 9 more months of the bliss you were having and you would of been looking for a ring. That was also the problem. You didn't get to 9 months. Why? Because the "bliss" you were sharing was mostly made up of falsehoods and lies. If what you two had was authentic and genuine; you need to remember that it would be mutual. It would of been a beautiful home the two of you built together. It wasn't. Considering that your last gf was so negative about everything I can see how this other girl would look like the breathe of fresh air and "where have you been all my life?" She's just an illusion though. In it for the good times and keeps you entertained to the hilt and all of that hides the fact that there is not a mutual sharing of openness and honesty, it glosses over the fact that under all this "fun" and "excitement" there is no foundation of integrity.

 

Believe me, there are plenty of women who are fun AND genuine and are mature enough to appreciate it when a man can be dependable and treat them well. There is all kinds of fun and silliness and enjoying one another and it's wonderful and it's REAL. You don't have to buy into the idea of a girl, she's really THAT girl. That's really crappy you two work together, but that's the breaks and now you know why people never reccomend you date a co-worker but that is here nor there now.

 

Once the blinders come off and you start seeing this girl for what she really is; a pretty, entertaining illusion to cover up a flaky and non genuine person, you will start to move on instead of harboring interest.

[StrugglingS]

Yes that's exactly right. 9 more months of the bliss you were having and you would of been looking for a ring. That was also the problem. You didn't get to 9 months. Why? Because the "bliss" you were sharing was mostly made up of falsehoods and lies. If what you two had was authentic and genuine; you need to remember that it would be mutual. It would of been a beautiful home the two of you built together. It wasn't. Considering that your last gf was so negative about everything I can see how this other girl would look like the breathe of fresh air and "where have you been all my life?" She's just an illusion though. In it for the good times and keeps you entertained to the hilt and all of that hides the fact that there is not a mutual sharing of openness and honesty, it glosses over the fact that under all this "fun" and "excitement" there is no foundation of integrity.

 

Believe me, there are plenty of women who are fun AND genuine and are mature enough to appreciate it when a man can be dependable and treat them well. There is all kinds of fun and silliness and enjoying one another and it's wonderful and it's REAL. You don't have to buy into the idea of a girl, she's really THAT girl. That's really crappy you two work together, but that's the breaks and now you know why people never reccomend you date a co-worker but that is here nor there now.

 

Once the blinders come off and you start seeing this girl for what she really is; a pretty, entertaining illusion to cover up a flaky and non genuine person, you will start to move on instead of harboring interest.

It's just difficult to accept that things changed quite so quickly - literally over the course of a weekend, and have deteriorated still further since then.

 

For example, right now I'm suffering with a cold, the 2nd one I've had this year - last time she went shopping after work and spent £50 on stuff to make me feel better, and brought it all over to cheer me up.

 

I know NC is the right option, but it's so hard thinking of not seeing her any more.

[StrugglingS]

Well, my latest update: Saw her for a football match on Wednesday and had a wonderful time together, she was very kind and affectionate, kept touching me and holding me and resting her head against my chest when we were standing on the train home... Kissing me as well. I spoke about the way I had been - quite annoyed with that tbh, because it's a bit pathetic - I've nothing to be ashamed about - I put myself on a plate for her and she turned me down... I've just got to accept that and stop trying to give her reasons to take me back!

 

Didn't get back to hers til quite late, and chatted for a while, then she decided that she didn't really want to drive me home, so did I want to stay? Well, not that I would have said no anyway, so we spent the night together, although nothing happened.

 

We're due to babysit for my Sister tonight, although I've been ill, no contact from her today, although she spoke to my Sister yesterday at work saying that she would be happy to babysit alone if I wasn't feeling any better.

 

So babysitting tonight, and volleyball with her brother on Monday (last game of the season) and I'm thinking NC after that. Well, to an extent - I bought her a gift for if/when she completes the London Marathon... I can't send it back because it arrived from abroad, so I think I might just contact her Mum when it comes to it, and ask her to pass the gift on for me.

 

The more I think about it, the more I realise that she just isn't right for me. I don't think it was a rebound thing, but as H2H said, she has a lot about her which was very different, alluring and sexy. I can't pretend that I don't wish it had worked out, but she's not ready for a proper relationship, and tbh I'm not sure if she ever will be. It's a shame because she's a lovely woman, and I think she deserves to be happy, but it would appear that she's perfectly happy just drifting through life.

 

Time to move on, as difficult as it may be.

 

/edit: No babysitting in fact - she's caught my cold.

Edited March 27, 2010 by StrugglingS
Update

[StrugglingS]

I've really got to stop texting her. :S

 

Sent her a nice text message this morning, after having a dream about her last night, and been feeling down in the dumps since then, especially seeing as she's not replied. Yes I know she's ill, and she's got the day off so is probably still either asleep or not long up.

 

I'm just missing the times when I got text messages throughout the morning, or a phonecall at lunch, plus Skype every evening.

 

I miss that connection I had with her and I HATE how emotionally fragile this whole situation has me feeling. I especially hate that it has me thinking about all the good times I had with my ex, when I know that there were far more bad times than good.

 

I hate that I can't make myself take the plunge and just go completely NC because it would be like going cold turkey, because I honestly think that I have formed some kind of bizarre addiction.

 

I hate that I look at the office that she (occasionally!) works in here and get a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.

 

I hate that getting a text message or having a conversation with her invariably ends with my grinning like a loon because I love seeing her or speaking to her so much, and my emotional well-being SHOULDN'T be so reliant on one person, and frankly wasn't until I met her!

 

I hate that all I can think of is 'winning her back', when there's absolutely nothing I can do right now to do so - she's happy being single, and that doesn't mean going out pulling, that just means being on her own and not committing to a relationship for the time being.

 

I hate that I can't give up hope.

 

 

 

Hope guides me. It is what gets me through the day and especially the night. The hope that after you leave my sight it will not be the last time I look upon you.

 

I wish that I could send her things like this and be hopeful that it would melt her heart and she would suddenly realise that she loves me. Sadly I can't see this particular story being a 'happily ever after'.

[StrugglingS]

Well, another update... Spoke to her yesterday lunchtime, phoned to see how she was feeling, and basically got an earful. She blames me for her getting ill, which is fair enough, it probably is my cold that she's got, but it's not like I gave it to her on purpose or anything.

 

I know she's worried because she's got an exam coming up very shortly, although I'm sure she'll still breeze it - she's very good at what she does and it's just a case of her proving that in the practical, really.

 

Played volleyball with her Brother last night, last game of the season and saw her when I got back... Still flashes of affection and what have you, but also a little resentment that I've gone out of my way to treat her nicely and check how she's doing, and all I've got in return is abuse.

 

Nothing else planned with her for the time being - I'll text her good luck for her exam, but after that, I don't really have any excuse to message her. Perhaps this is a good time to try NC, or at least wait for her to text me first for a change - can't remember the last time she texted me off her own back just in a conversational way.

 

We shall see.

[StrugglingS]

Another brief conversation this lunchtime to see how she was doing, and another earful. Only really served to concrete my opinion that she's only interested in number 1, and doesn't particularly care who she hurts. Disappointing.