spriggig Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 I know my Dad well enough to know he would have been extremely dissapointed in me for having this Affair, it would have devestated him, and had he been alive, he would have made sure I knew that. I'm a BS. I'm sorry you had an accident, glad to hear you will recover. My mom died two years ago, you have my sympathies for the loss of your dad. I even feel, through your post, the pain you have experienced from your breakup with a man you loved--I'm going through a breakup now. I'm sincerely sorry you went through all of this. 1. Why do you believe your dad would have been "extremely disappointed in [you] for having [the] affair"--what would he say to you? 2. Do you agree with your dad in his disappointment, or would you debate him? I hope for an answer and I won't follow up. Thank you for posting. Get better soon.
DNR Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 I wish I could be as strong as you are. Or better yet, I wish my switch would flip!! What an a**hole. Wasn't the least bit concerned for you. Get better. Good luck with your therapy. DNR
spriggig Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 I'm not the OP, but my father has stage 4 cancer. He's not near the end yet, but we all know it is the cancer that will take him from us. I KNOW if my dad found out I'd had an A he'd be crushed. I think he'd be so disappointed because he knows that they taught me better, and that I knew better. And I'd agree. I asked this question this earlier today and I sort of regret it now. I want an answer but I really want it from my STBXW's OM, and I'll never get it. Thanks for responding.
franie Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 and he came back with "baby, I love you, you are my world, I'm so sorry to have treated you this way, don't leave me, I will do better I promise" over and over. Needless to say, I surprised even myself when I became immune to his sweet talk. The bull**** eventually starts to stink, doesn't it? Eyes you are AWESOME! and I am living proof that it does get better and easier and YES it does seem like an awfully heavy weight lifted. no more wasting your life away waiting for his crumbs of time, no more anxiety attacks waiting and waiting and waiting.....and waiting for HIM to call, no more things being on HIS terms...no more sneaking around, no more guilt, no more wondering what he is doing or not doing with w, i could go on...... there will be highs and lows on this roller coaster and he WILL continue to try and charm you but now you see/smell it for what it is...bull**** and it stinks!! Good luck honey
sarkandlauren Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 and he came back with "baby, I love you, you are my world, I'm so sorry to have treated you this way, don't leave me, I will do better I promise" over and over. Needless to say, I surprised even myself when I became immune to his sweet talk. The bull**** eventually starts to stink, doesn't it? Eyes you are AWESOME! and I am living proof that it does get better and easier and YES it does seem like an awfully heavy weight lifted. no more wasting your life away waiting for his crumbs of time, no more anxiety attacks waiting and waiting and waiting.....and waiting for HIM to call, no more things being on HIS terms...no more sneaking around, no more guilt, no more wondering what he is doing or not doing with w, i could go on...... there will be highs and lows on this roller coaster and he WILL continue to try and charm you but now you see/smell it for what it is...bull**** and it stinks!! Good luck honey This just hit me right in my head.... I wait all day for him to call. Sometimes he calls, sometimes he doesn't. Sometimes he'll call to say I only have a few seconds to talk, my fiance wants to do this. Why does he even bother to call. When he doesn't call, i wonder what he's doing with her. I can't deal with this anymore. Now that i see the OP feels the huge weight off the shoulder, I must persuade myself to get out while it's still early.
Author EyesOpened Posted March 30, 2010 Author Posted March 30, 2010 EO, thanks for your story. My affair with MM is going onto the 4th year now. It is really breaking me up. I fly 4 hours to see him each month but whenever he's back, he hardly ever makes plans to see me. Been through the roller coaster ride and keep wondering when i will wake up from it all. I am tired of playing 2nd fiddle, i hate it so much, i hate myself for allowing myself to be this way, getting breadcrumbs, i know i cant go on like this, it is so painful but i just dont know how to end it. i really love him. i am sad and pathetic. Sometimes i wished i would get hospitalised for something to see if he would fly back to see me (am i nuts??!) and to know if he genuinely loves me as much as he says. he can be such a sweet talker one minute but a nasty man the next especially when he is moody. you cannot imagine how many times he has called it quits but we always come back together because i forgave him each time. i wished i was stronger, i wished to tell him to F off and go back to his W if she is such an angel and stop playing games and giving me false hopes of a better future, never kept his promises but keep delaying and changing his mind..i wish i had your strength. am just wondering what it takes to make me realise there's no future and no hope, just dreams. i am so tired, so drained, so miserable that the grief in these 3 years far exceeds the blissful times but why am i still hanging on?? it's like i am getting so addicted, i know it's so wrong but i cant bring myself to end it. thanks for sharing your story. i wish you all the best. OH DramaQueen! I SO feel for you and know what you are going through. 4 years is just way too long to settle for being someones leftovers. And I do understand what you are saying about wishing you could tell him to F*** Off! I wanted to do that too. I didn't. The way I ended things wasn't exactly the strongest of ways. Listen, I am not as "strong" as any of you think I am. Unfortunately I am unable to go NC with him because of this stupid job situation. So I have spoken to him because of our work ties. He is SO oblivious (and cocky, and self absorbed) I actually think he doesn't even realize that it's over between us! The good thing is he lives a distance away and there will be no way I will be tempted to see him. Anyway - my point to all this is I am not strong, I just got to a point where I knew I deserved better and I looked at him and thought "What makes you think you are so damn special? That you get to have a wife and a girlfriend?" And I realized that I mean more to myself then focusing my life on someone who clearly doesn't feel the same way about me. Because if he did, there is NO REASON he wouldn't leave. Bottom line for me was - if he truly loved me and couldn't be without me, he wouldnt risk me walking away, he would leave her. I feel like you are in the same place I was - you want to walk but you just don't know how. You WILL find the strength and you will be so much happier after you do. Believe me, I have my bad days - a lot of them. I miss him, everything in me wants to say "when can we get together again" knowing he will jump all over it. But for my sanity, I need to continue to walk away and not look back. I know it's hard, but I hope you find the strength in you to do the same.
Author EyesOpened Posted March 30, 2010 Author Posted March 30, 2010 It makes me sad to read this. Hoping for an accident is just... unhealthy. I hope you can see what damage this is causing you, and decide that you deserve better. I agree Jthorne - take it from me DramaQ - you DO NOT want to have an accident to "see" how he feels. I obviously didn't do this to myself on purpose in any way, shape or form, but i did get to see that he certainly did NOT come running! However, just because the accident seemed to give me some clarity - I always knew the reality of our R. Things were great as long as I was adoring him, and coming to see him, and doting on him, and giving him everything he needed. Once I was in need...and could no longer do those things, the undying love he felt for me seemed to dissapear...He didn't LOVE me, he LOVED what I did for him, how I made him feel, the fact that I worshipped him and would do anything to make him happy!
secretlifeofjane28 Posted March 30, 2010 Posted March 30, 2010 EO you are very strong. I am a newbie here, but not a newbie to ending an A. I am 61 days NC today and feeling so strong, so free, so liberated. I am regaining my self worth and dignity. I have re-devoted myself to my marriage. I am so sorry you had to have an accident to free yourself from the destructive cycle. I am also sorry that he wasn't there for you. But I am very proud of you for walking away and ending it. Each day will get better. I promise. I feel so differently today than I did at day 1, and day 30 and even last week. I have my eyes towards the future now and I am not looking back. Hugs to you.
Author EyesOpened Posted March 30, 2010 Author Posted March 30, 2010 I'm a BS. I'm sorry you had an accident, glad to hear you will recover. My mom died two years ago, you have my sympathies for the loss of your dad. I even feel, through your post, the pain you have experienced from your breakup with a man you loved--I'm going through a breakup now. I'm sincerely sorry you went through all of this. 1. Why do you believe your dad would have been "extremely disappointed in [you] for having [the] affair"--what would he say to you? 2. Do you agree with your dad in his disappointment, or would you debate him? I hope for an answer and I won't follow up. Thank you for posting. Get better soon. Hey Sprigg, Sorry it took me a while to answer - been so busy at work have had no time to surf on my fave board! lol To answer your questions: My Dad would have been devestated had he found out about my affair - for several reasons - one being that my self esteem was that low, that I would have allowed myself to be the "bottom of someones list" instead of at the top - where he of course feels his daughter belongs! I feel that he honestly would have been shocked to find out that I would even entertain less than that. And to be honest - So was I! My father was incredible, loving and forgiving, and he stood behind every choice I made in my life - having a child alone when I was 19 being one of the many tough ones. He knew I struggled hard to get where I was in life, and the day he died he told me how proud of me he was, and how he KNEW I would carry on who he was - and be supportive, and loving and nurturing and forgiving to everyone I encountered in my life, and do my best never to hurt anyone intentionally. However, having the affair - I WAS intentionally hurting someone - my x-MM's Spouse. Ok, so she never found out - but does that make the act of knowingly sleeping with her husband, any less significant??? Not at all. My father did not raise me to hurt people, he raised me to be loving and caring and nurturing and above all respectful to others. This affair made me none of those things, and THAT is the reason he would have been dissapointed in me. So I guess that answers your second question too! YES I completely agree with him. Always have, always will - the big joke in our family was that "Daddy's always right" and he certainly is/was! However, he loved me dearly - and although dissapointed about my actions, would still have loved me just the same
Author EyesOpened Posted March 30, 2010 Author Posted March 30, 2010 and he came back with "baby, i love you, you are my world, i'm so sorry to have treated you this way, don't leave me, i will do better i promise" over and over. Needless to say, i surprised even myself when i became immune to his sweet talk. the bull**** eventually starts to stink, doesn't it? Eyes you are awesome! And i am living proof that it does get better and easier and yes it does seem like an awfully heavy weight lifted. No more wasting your life away waiting for his crumbs of time, no more anxiety attacks waiting and waiting and waiting.....and waiting for him to call, no more things being on his terms...no more sneaking around, no more guilt, no more wondering what he is doing or not doing with w, i could go on...... There will be highs and lows on this roller coaster and he will continue to try and charm you but now you see/smell it for what it is...bull**** and it stinks!! Good luck honey thank you franie!
Author EyesOpened Posted March 30, 2010 Author Posted March 30, 2010 To both of you - I am going to send my dad an email tonight to let him know how special he is to me and how much I love him. I am the only daughter in my family and my father will always be my daddy. Thank you for reminding me to let him know how much he means to me. I am sorry for your losses. But I do believe the same thing you both believe ... that even in death, those that we love DO look out for us. Fooled - email him, call him, tell him to his face...you posting this makes me happy that you got that from what I said, I didn't even have to say it. I still tell my Dad every day, even if he can't hear me
Author EyesOpened Posted March 30, 2010 Author Posted March 30, 2010 I asked this question this earlier today and I sort of regret it now. I want an answer but I really want it from my STBXW's OM, and I'll never get it. Thanks for responding. I feel for you Sprigg. Don't regret asking the question, that's why we are here right? To try to help each other, no matter what side of the A you happen to be on. I sympathize with all BS's - and apologize through all of you here - because I can't apologize to my x-MM's spouse - because she has no idea about the A - or what kind of person she really is married to.
Author EyesOpened Posted March 30, 2010 Author Posted March 30, 2010 I wish I could be as strong as you are. Or better yet, I wish my switch would flip!! What an a**hole. Wasn't the least bit concerned for you. Get better. Good luck with your therapy. DNR Thanks DNR - yup there are words worse than a**hole I could use for him! That's for sure! LOL He was only concerned with the lack of sex he would be getting as a result! Therapy is going - painful - but hoping to see the light at the end of the tunnell soon!
Getting_stronger Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 EyesOPened I just wish I had your strength. You are strong despite what you say. I am still strugglin in a no win affair. Im married- so is he-its in limbo now- a sort of fwb situation that leaves me feeling lousy. Its all words and empty promises- but then its just crumbs of time, he's sooooo very busy, sooooo important, and we'll have to catch up 'next week'. So I can say shove off (but I cant seem to do that), or ignore his texts (cant seem to do that either). Again EO- I wish I had your strength. All I do all day is think about him and check my messages! God when did I become this person
silverplanets Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 My Dad would have been devestated had he found out about my affair - for several reasons - one being that my self esteem was that low, that I would have allowed myself to be the "bottom of someones list" instead of at the top - where he of course feels his daughter belongs! I feel that he honestly would have been shocked to find out that I would even entertain less than that. And to be honest - So was I! Hi EO, I was an OM to a MM over a 15 year period. There was a big gap of in the middle and when I let them back in thinking they'd changed they hadn't so I am now NC and have been for 6 months or so now. Anyway, that's not the reason I post - it's just to say give background for what what I do want to say ... I'm a Dad and I've been prime carer for my daughter since she was 6 months (she's 10 now) .. I love her to bits and organise my whole life so that I am able to me the best parent I can for her. I love her, am proud of her and am hopefully raising her to have a good understanding of healthy behaviours and un-healthy ones. Obviously my daughter is not likely to have an A yet, but my instant reaction to the thought of her later in life coming to me and telling me something like the above would be that I would hug her, cry with her and tell her that I loved her with all my heart. I would not be dissapointed with her for living life and not be cross with her for finding herself in this situation. I would, though, listen to her, be there for her, tell her how proud I was that she was taking ownership of the situation, not denying or shirking it and also I would be there for her as the days, weeks went on. Getting over someone you had feelings for is never easy - and it's even harder when there's lies and deceit involved. In short, I would love her MORE because she was living life and being brave - not less. Both my mum and dad know about my MW and they also know how hard it has been for me to pull away ... it's brought us closer together as a family not further apart. Keep going away from MM and, if you can, just don't look back ... It's all about you and your life now :-) He's had his chance best wishes Chris
Author EyesOpened Posted March 31, 2010 Author Posted March 31, 2010 Getting Stronger - I know where you are and understand exactly what you are feeling. I was 'that' girl too. Looking at my BB every second, waiting for those texts. Pining away for his crumbs of time. It's funny because I honestly thought I couldn't live without them, or his calls or his constant "mush talk" as I called it, but I don't know - I'm seeing it so differently now, I surprise even myself. I do still speak to him however because of the work connection, but I've been able to keep it to work, and when he tries to throw in the 'other stuff' it is very easy for me to dismiss him. The "soooooo very busy and soooo very important" comment you made makes me LAUGH OUT LOUD! That is SO my x-MM. He always had to "fly" or "gotta run" or whatever, even if it was in the middle of an important conversation. What he had to do was always more important than me, or whatever was going on with me. Always dismissing me - it's just so ridiculous if you just take a minute to break it down and look at it for what it is! YOU are important to you know! You can "catch up with him next week" too, you have important stuff to do as well - you have a marriage to attend to (and maybe kids i'm just assuming here) etc., so why is he so much more important?? Answer is - he ISN'T! He is trying to put you in your place, make you realize that he controls this A, not you. I know because that is exactly what my x-MM did to me. My advice to you if you want it, why don't YOU be soooo very important next time? Let him wait for your texts, just try to hold off - an hour, 2 hours....as long as you can until HE sends you one, that you didn't initiate. Let him wonder where you are, try not to be as available to him. That is how I began my transition and it really seemed to work for me. I began to feel like the empowered one in the A - instead of him. And eventually, that helped me see myself as important, and worthy of more than crumbs and tiny pieces of his "precious time". Which is why I got to where I got (ok that and a really crappy painful accident...but still! lol) Dont be so hard on yourself ok? Do not let him make you feel less than what you are. You are worthy, and you are very important.
Author EyesOpened Posted March 31, 2010 Author Posted March 31, 2010 Hi EO, Obviously my daughter is not likely to have an A yet, but my instant reaction to the thought of her later in life coming to me and telling me something like the above would be that I would hug her, cry with her and tell her that I loved her with all my heart. I would not be dissapointed with her for living life and not be cross with her for finding herself in this situation. I would, though, listen to her, be there for her, tell her how proud I was that she was taking ownership of the situation, not denying or shirking it and also I would be there for her as the days, weeks went on. Getting over someone you had feelings for is never easy - and it's even harder when there's lies and deceit involved. In short, I would love her MORE because she was living life and being brave - not less. Both my mum and dad know about my MW and they also know how hard it has been for me to pull away ... it's brought us closer together as a family not further apart. Keep going away from MM and, if you can, just don't look back ... It's all about you and your life now :-) He's had his chance best wishes Chris Thank you so much for telling me that. I really needed to hear (read) it! It means a lot to me.
fooled once Posted March 31, 2010 Posted March 31, 2010 Fooled - email him, call him, tell him to his face...you posting this makes me happy that you got that from what I said, I didn't even have to say it. I still tell my Dad every day, even if he can't hear me I did! thank you for helping me to remember to let him know. Like your dad to you, my dad is my hero and I know how much he sacrificed so his kids had good lives (not spoiled lives, just what we needed and maybe an extra now and then). Glad you have SEEN THE LIGHT in the affair and I hope each day, you continue to heal
Getting_stronger Posted April 1, 2010 Posted April 1, 2010 Getting Stronger - I know where you are and understand exactly what you are feeling. I was 'that' girl too. Looking at my BB every second, waiting for those texts. Pining away for his crumbs of time. It's funny because I honestly thought I couldn't live without them, or his calls or his constant "mush talk" as I called it, but I don't know - I'm seeing it so differently now, I surprise even myself. I do still speak to him however because of the work connection, but I've been able to keep it to work, and when he tries to throw in the 'other stuff' it is very easy for me to dismiss him. The "soooooo very busy and soooo very important" comment you made makes me LAUGH OUT LOUD! That is SO my x-MM. He always had to "fly" or "gotta run" or whatever, even if it was in the middle of an important conversation. What he had to do was always more important than me, or whatever was going on with me. Always dismissing me - it's just so ridiculous if you just take a minute to break it down and look at it for what it is! YOU are important to you know! You can "catch up with him next week" too, you have important stuff to do as well - you have a marriage to attend to (and maybe kids i'm just assuming here) etc., so why is he so much more important?? Answer is - he ISN'T! He is trying to put you in your place, make you realize that he controls this A, not you. I know because that is exactly what my x-MM did to me. My advice to you if you want it, why don't YOU be soooo very important next time? Let him wait for your texts, just try to hold off - an hour, 2 hours....as long as you can until HE sends you one, that you didn't initiate. Let him wonder where you are, try not to be as available to him. That is how I began my transition and it really seemed to work for me. I began to feel like the empowered one in the A - instead of him. And eventually, that helped me see myself as important, and worthy of more than crumbs and tiny pieces of his "precious time". Which is why I got to where I got (ok that and a really crappy painful accident...but still! lol) Dont be so hard on yourself ok? Do not let him make you feel less than what you are. You are worthy, and you are very important. EO- I love this last para- thank you. I cant end it, cant go on.... so I will TRANSITION!!! I will slowly edge out and this transitioning stage (less texts, longer lead times etc) is definately something I can do, THANKYOU for helping me see a solution in this..... xxx
Author EyesOpened Posted April 1, 2010 Author Posted April 1, 2010 EO- I love this last para- thank you. I cant end it, cant go on.... so I will TRANSITION!!! I will slowly edge out and this transitioning stage (less texts, longer lead times etc) is definately something I can do, THANKYOU for helping me see a solution in this..... xxx Well i'm definitely not saying it's the "perfect" solution but I think it's one that can help make you feel as though you are going somewhere, instead of stuck...I don't know what your relationship is with your H at this stage in the game, or if he knows about the A or anything however, if you can try, even a little, to turn things around and start baby steps at home, attempting to focus on your H and your marriage a bit more, on your neighbors and kids (if you have them), friends - YOUR life, YOUR world as you know it and knew it before Mr. MM came along. Because the reality is - your world is all you have right? The A is not your reality, but it is likely taking over your life, as I know it did mine. If you are anything like me, you aren't even "living" your life - just sitting, waiting, hoping and looking at your damn phone. I didn't even enjoy time with my kids anymore, or even going out with my friends, because I was never really there. My mind was always with my MM, so therefore so was my physical presense as well. And let me venture a quess to say - HE is not pining away or stopping his life, enjoying HIS activities less and sitting around thinking about you or staring at his phone waiting for it to ring or a text to come in. I know for a fact my MM was not. He was living his dandy life, enjoying vacations, times with buddies, kids, his wife etc., And then it was - Ok well I happen to have nothing going on today so it's time to fit in my OW! Or G/F as he loved to call me. If anything i'm saying here helps you in any way - I will be very happy! Just know you are not alone at all in how you are feeling, I really do understand and will help any way I can.
princess1234 Posted April 3, 2010 Posted April 3, 2010 wow! good for you babe.. that is amazing that you could turn around and be strong enough to leave someone you love that much!!! it sounds like it really was for the best... good on you!
Getting_stronger Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 Well i'm definitely not saying it's the "perfect" solution but I think it's one that can help make you feel as though you are going somewhere, instead of stuck...I don't know what your relationship is with your H at this stage in the game, or if he knows about the A or anything however, if you can try, even a little, to turn things around and start baby steps at home, attempting to focus on your H and your marriage a bit more, on your neighbors and kids (if you have them), friends - YOUR life, YOUR world as you know it and knew it before Mr. MM came along. Because the reality is - your world is all you have right? The A is not your reality, but it is likely taking over your life, as I know it did mine. If you are anything like me, you aren't even "living" your life - just sitting, waiting, hoping and looking at your damn phone. I didn't even enjoy time with my kids anymore, or even going out with my friends, because I was never really there. My mind was always with my MM, so therefore so was my physical presense as well. And let me venture a quess to say - HE is not pining away or stopping his life, enjoying HIS activities less and sitting around thinking about you or staring at his phone waiting for it to ring or a text to come in. I know for a fact my MM was not. He was living his dandy life, enjoying vacations, times with buddies, kids, his wife etc., And then it was - Ok well I happen to have nothing going on today so it's time to fit in my OW! Or G/F as he loved to call me. If anything i'm saying here helps you in any way - I will be very happy! Just know you are not alone at all in how you are feeling, I really do understand and will help any way I can. OMGosh EO- this is so me! I float through my wonderful real life and focus on every painstaking minute, text, call, moment with a man who, as you said, is definately not focussing on me with as much intensity. Gosh it sounds so pathetic huh. I am glad I have LS and the wonderful people I have met on here to share all of this with. I will get strong and I will get through this.
cooldudeinberlin Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 wow! Impressive... inspirational... and Im not even in a remotely similar situation... but its certainly inspirational about how to take charge of one's life and move forward, regardless of the situation... plus, the traumatic event of having such an accident, most likely, helped put a lot of things about life in perspective. good for you taking action and doing what's best for you... wow... continue to live independent and let your free spirit thrive... and never let anyone inhibit any part of that, EVER!
LostMe Posted April 7, 2010 Posted April 7, 2010 EO- I love this last para- thank you. I cant end it, cant go on.... so I will TRANSITION!!! I will slowly edge out and this transitioning stage (less texts, longer lead times etc) is definately something I can do, THANKYOU for helping me see a solution in this..... xxx Transitioning is excellent advice. I am at this stage now, waiting for crumbs of his attention was driving me mad. It just seems to have become a battle of wills between us to see who can go the longest without making contact. Most of the time i don't want to at all as I don't see the point, but sometimes I crack...last week i sent him a 'miss you' text when out with mutual friends...but i felt so awful the next day when 'we' laughed about it as if i'm some crazy woman...I don't see what's so bad about missing someone you used to speak to every day... Anyway, with every day i don't get in touch I feel my dignity coming back. I'm sure my heart will follow my actions eventually, in the meantime i'm trying to put all the leftover A energy into my marriage.
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