jen_r Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 I mean really. Our dumpers have said horrible things to us and treated us in ways that we would never even think of treating them - why on gods earth would we chase these people hoping to win them back??? I've been broken up with my ex for a maybe 2 months now, and I've just finally realized I'm chasing a JERK. Don't get me wrong, he was the picture of perfection while I was with him - but I'm dealing with the person he is NOW. With so so so many other great people in the world, why do we want the ones who don't want us? Is it just that - we want what we can't have? I cannot fathom why I've wanted my ex back so badly this whole time. He doesn't want me! I was never important to him, ugh why the f**k did I think that I wanted that in my life forever? Why do you want your ex back?
Ilovecake Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 You don't want your ex back you want the person you wanted your ex to be and they don't exist. It's a terrible trick the mind plays on us. We make all these future plans and have this sweet nice life all figured out in our heads and then blammo it's all gone, but we can't let go of that fantasy. It’s a loss of control and you think the only way to get it back is to get the person who was a big part of those plans back but again that person only exist in your head. Unfortunately he looks a whole lot like your ex.
davegfx Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 I have no idea. I think a lot of it stems from the rejection. And just the terrible conflicting emotions of loving someone dearly but being so hurt and angry at them. It's just very painful to see someone who you love not willing to fight for the relationship. I'm in the same boat....it's been 6 weeks and some days are just agony. But some of the things she's done have just been so cruel and insensitive. I brought her 1 year old son up as my own for over a year, my family welcomed her in like a daughter and cared for her deeply, and then she discarded it all like old trash and was in a relationship with another guy within days of ours ending (thus likely started before it ended).
Silver_star Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 I think its out of fear. They exited the relationship way before you had a chance to think about them in a negative light. I also think you want them back (especially if its the first serious relationship youve had ) because you havent experienced the emotions with anyone else and cant really imagine doing so...yet. I am experiencing a hard time right now letting go of my ex..who has cheated on me, and who has left me, and who has manipulated me time and time again...hes never yelled at me but the emotional treatment has scarred me..he always comes back to me, and its always a struggle for me to say NO. i dont know why...maybe i have self esteem issues. Its been 3 months since the actual break...and since the actual break i have slept with him three times. He tried to get back and I insisted we did not, because i knew it didnt have longevity and there was no point, yet i want to be around him still because i miss him and crave his physical closeness...im not sure why i cant have that with someone else yet, its not for lack of trying..ive tried..but every man who pursues me and gets to the point of physical closeness I push away..im not ready.
Author jen_r Posted March 23, 2010 Author Posted March 23, 2010 I think its out of fear. They exited the relationship way before you had a chance to think about them in a negative light. I also think you want them back (especially if its the first serious relationship youve had ) because you havent experienced the emotions with anyone else and cant really imagine doing so...yet. I think this is my issue. He was the first person I felt these strong feelings of love for. And like you, I don't think I'll be getting "touchy feely" with any guys any time soon. I pushed guys away before my ex, and I can see myself doing it now.
Author jen_r Posted March 23, 2010 Author Posted March 23, 2010 It's just very painful to see someone who you love not willing to fight for the relationship. Yeah, that was one thing I kept saying to him. Why am I the only one fighting?! But duh, it's cause he didn't want to be with me lol. Jerk.
LovelyDaze Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 There is an LS member who wrote about an ex who left her for his married ex-GF. He even stated that he loved both women and she asked for advice on the matter. Many responded and she seemed to see the light about the guy. In just a day or two after he told her that,she sent a jovial update that she broke NC, her and the ex have "made love", and are now happier than ever... Unbelievable. I didn't even bother responding because I think she is one of the ones who needs to learn the hard way. She is the middle of him giving her hope and we all know that he is probably just going to snatch it away as quick as he dumped her the first time. Sad. NOW her ex knows she will take any crap he dishes out. She'll be back on LS wondering what went wrong later...
HLP234 Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 I guess its because you miss the times you had with them. You want that feeling you had when you were together, where you just carried on with your life with no problems because they were there. Now that they are gone, you miss those times and its hard to adjust to being yourself as you were before you came into contact with them. It's been 4 months for me and NC and still I feel crappy.
just1guy Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 It's missing the good times during the relationship and those moments that you had with that person that you feel you can't duplicate with anyone else. I'm still having trouble adjusting back to the way I was before I met her and to save myself from feeling alone, the mind autoplays those memories.
DarkestChapter Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 I think it's also because you just don't want to forget the portion of your life that you shared with that person. It's hard to look back at such positive experiences you had with your ex and realize that that chapter of your life is now completely shattered. Being back together with them is the only way you can safely look back at such experiences without feeling overwhelmingly depressed, and, initially, you think that these experiences can only be relived with that person again. It's been a month now without her and I can't bare the pain...
HLP234 Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 It will take time but everyone tells me that in order to go back to your self or to how you were happy before is by just finding someone else to spend time with. It won't be the same exact situation but it sure helps if you even have someone else to hang out with to get your mind off. With how long its been for me, I think that is what needs to be done. I figured in a month or 2 I would be fine but nope, 4 total months and still depressed no matter what happens. For some people I suppose it can take way longer.
brwneyedgrl3333 Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 For all of you who are still in so much pain everyday....It DOES get easier and the days get a bit lighter....hang tight. I'm almost 3 months post breakup and it's finally getting more tolerable. I think when such a huge void is forced upon us and love is just yanked away, it's the most painful, difficult thing to come to grips with. It's trauma, plain and simple. It's the sweet, happy memories that WERE the killers for me. But, when I make a list of the horrible things he said to me and the thoughtless, selfish things he did without a second thought, it helps me now more then it did early on in the breakup. Logically...I don't want him back. There were good times but there were plenty of other times that he treated me like crap, in ways that I could never imagine treating anyone much less someone I claim to love. Clarity is coming more and more. Someone who values us and the love we give WON'T bail...that's the truth of it. I deserve better. We ALL deserve better!
Fouts Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 I think a lot of it stems from the rejection Ding ding, we have a winner. It's the ego that wants them back in most cases, not the person.
Weird Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 It sucks when years go by and you meet other people and find they truly do not match up as well with you as "that someone" did before. People can say that it goes away and all you need to do is meet other people but it doesn't always work that way. There is no logical basis for one to think that every single person/relationship they will have in the future will be better than stuff from the past.
Lizzie60 Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 I mean really. Our dumpers have said horrible things to us and treated us in ways that we would never even think of treating them - why on gods earth would we chase these people hoping to win them back??? I've been broken up with my ex for a maybe 2 months now, and I've just finally realized I'm chasing a JERK. Don't get me wrong, he was the picture of perfection while I was with him - but I'm dealing with the person he is NOW. With so so so many other great people in the world, why do we want the ones who don't want us? Is it just that - we want what we can't have? I cannot fathom why I've wanted my ex back so badly this whole time. He doesn't want me! I was never important to him, ugh why the f**k did I think that I wanted that in my life forever? Why do you want your ex back? Nooo idea... I never wanted my 'exes' back.. I was the dumper for all of them (except one) and I never wanted him back in my life.. ever.. He is the same person... you just saw him with YOUR eyes while you were in love.. now that he doesn't want you .. you think he's a new person.. but he's not..
ADF Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 Broadly speaking, the reason we want our exes back is chemical. When we bond with someone emotionally and/or sexually, it causes physiological and chemical changes in our brains that linger after the relationship has soured or ended. There is a lot of research going on right now on this topic, and it is really interesting.
Author jen_r Posted March 24, 2010 Author Posted March 24, 2010 Nooo idea... I never wanted my 'exes' back.. I was the dumper for all of them (except one) and I never wanted him back in my life.. ever.. He is the same person... you just saw him with YOUR eyes while you were in love.. now that he doesn't want you .. you think he's a new person.. but he's not.. i dunno, he seems different to me. He's become so cold and heartless towards me. You could be right though...
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