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Posted

I've been married to my husband for 7 years, and we've been together for 10 years. Two years ago he had an affair with a co-worker which completely broke my heart and left me incredibly insecure. I've been in therapy and on meds ever since then, but I feel like I will never be the same again.

 

I forgave my husband, who was later diagnosed with bi-polar disorder (apparently the cause of his erratic behavior), and we stayed together. Our relationship is a boring one, and very one sided. He comes home from work and wants to play video games and look at porn, and whenever I suggest that we do something together, or go somewhere together he never wants to. I have to listen to his whining whenever I persuade him to do anything. He never shows me any affection, but expects it from me constantly and whines like a 5 year old when he doesn't get it.

 

Yesterday I noticed that he had added a girl from work to his Facebook friends, which is something he hasn't done before. I asked him who she was, and he was being really cagey. I asked him who sent the friend request to whom, and he refused to answer me. I asked him 4 times, and he finally told me that it was him who sent her the friend request. But he said it wasn't a big deal because they only work with each other about 10 minutes each week, but he wanted to add her because she is "really nice."

 

After all the marriage therapy we've been through he's perfectly aware how insecure I am, and our therapist has told him that he needs to be totally open about the women he works with so I don't have any reason to get suspicious. He told me that it's been two years since the affair, that I should "just get over it," and he doesn't have to tell his wife about female friends. He said he needs friends because we never do anything together, even though he refuses to do anything with me.

 

I know a Facebook incident is a pretty petty thing to file divorce papers over, but his reaction and subsequent words hurt more than anything. He obviously doesn't care about my feelings or what he has done to me in the past. He also never introduces me to any of his coworkers as his wife - I just kind of stand there like a total stranger.

 

What can I do in this situation. Is it time to end this marriage, or is there another option?

Posted

My marriage experienced infidelity. For me, it was not a deal breaker but it is a life changing event. It changes you, your spouse, and your marriage. If it doesnt change all of those things, or changes only one of them ...thats a deal breaker.

 

We are divorcing. His infidelity perhaps , changed me too much.

 

The thing that decided it for me was...the same as it would be even without infidelity...

 

Married people should bring out the best in each other. Thats what love does.

 

We dont do that anymore.

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Posted

2Sure -how long did it take for you to decide to divorce him?

 

Our marriage therapist told us once in therapy that it takes at least two years to to heal from infidelity, and sometimes never. My husband uses this statement as an excuse. Because it's been two years he thinks I should be over it and now he's free to do anything he wants. He has a problem with logical reasoning, but I can't always tell when it's the bi-polar, and when it's him just being a jerk.

 

He also lied to me about some pretty major things for the first 7 years of our relationship - again, this has been attributed to the bi-polar disorder. All of the other lies came out in the therapy, but I don't think I can really trust him ever again - especially since he has never really stopped lying.

 

My biggest concerns about getting divorced are the legal ones. I make way more money that he does, and he keeps threatening that if I file for divorce he will sue for spousal support. Can he really do that if he caused the breakup of the marriage?

Posted

I am not a lawyer, and it depends on the state, but I've been told that in this day and age, alimony is unlikely if both spouses are able bodied and working.

 

This guy sounds like an emotionally abusive *******. You should a) talk to a lawyer, and b) make plans to leave him, ASAP.

Posted

OP this sounds like what my future would've been with my ex boyfriend had we not broken up. Our whole relationship was a lie I later found out since he lied to me about basically everything the whole time we were together. He was also bi-polar and his mood swings caused me to have a nervous breakdown (which he didn't even care about). I'd say go talk to a lawyer ASAP. Mental and emotional abuse is just as damaging to you as physical abuse, if not more. You deserve to be in a relationship where your emotions and feelings are valued, not mocked.

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