Crazy Magnet Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 My own personal view on the subject is that it can happen. That people can finally make the transition from dating to true honest and open friendship, but that it's a rare occurrence. It may happen with one ex, but certainly not all ex's. What does everybody else think? Last night I had the MOST awkward encounter I've had in a while, and I'll get to that. I've dealt with ex #1, There's a thread about it on here somewhere. I finally said she had to get to know me if they wanted to hang out, she threw the biggest hissy fit ever, send him an email that said "She's done" meaning with the friendship, and basically "broke up" with him via email and put everything she had of his on his porch and asked him to mail all her stuff back. This is not sounding like a real friend to me. Then, there was ex#2. Something in my gut said, check into that one since the first one was bonkers. He offered to show me the emails they sent to each other. I was quite upset that all the cutesy little emails he was sending me with "Hey saw this and thought of you" he was also sending to her (so who was he really thinking about?), and there were a couple emails with sexual content that were based on conversations that he had with ME about sex between US. Not that the content of the email was about sex between then, but like an article on the g-spot that he also sent to me b/c we had this entire naked conversation about the g-spot. Yes, I threw my own fit and said HELL no will you be contacting her again. Not only are you sending her all the same stuff, you're emailing her things based on intimate conversations with me, and clearly you aren't mentioning me in ANY emails. She emailed him on his birthday, but he forwarded it to me, and told me he was going to respond with thanks. I don't think they have been in contact since. She was never contacting him anyway, it was always him. <---I really think this one will just naturally go away, she doesn't seem inclined to be "friends" just "friendly" Enter stage left....Ex #3. I knew they went out several times, but they never slept together and probably didn't even have any heavy petting going on. She's always been very open and welcoming to me and she consults me now on all types of girlie topics, shopping and men, etc. I was bopping along just fine. Until.....she started telling me that so many guys thought she was a great kisser, and then launched into the story about her first kiss with my BF...in DETAIL. wtf? Though she tried to reassure me that my BF never told her that she was the best kisser and that kissing him was rather awkward. Talk about awkward. I am not at a place where I want to break up with this guy, the good still outweigh the bad, but I don't know how to proceed. What can I honestly ask of him in this situation? He's complying with all the boundaries I set for ex #1 and #2. I don't understand why he can't let go of these other women. Why does he stay "friends" with every ex he's ever had. It doesn't seem normal. Am I being a doormat here? How much would everyone else put up with?
sumdude Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 (edited) #1 should be out of the picture now, oh well but no loss right? #2 ... whole thing seems a bit sketch to me. #3 seems like a bit across the line if you ask me. Exes as friends get especially challenging when someone new is in the picture. Don't feel you have to be freinds with them at all. Civil? Yes.. even friendly perhaps. I'm on the other side of the friends thing. I'm currently friends with one ex and we also play in a band together. She ended the short R close to a year ago. I still have some feelings though, we do connect at a certain level though our personalities tended to clash. Makes it tough at times, especially when I have to meet her new 24 year old BF (she's 40 and I'm 42). But I really try to stay cool about it all. No way would I be telling him anything intimate that happened between me and her. I sure don't want to hear anything intimate about him from her either. Reality is that I'm pulling away from her a little as a friend for everybody's sake. We'll still work together and play in the band but I think the deep stuff has to go bye-bye. Edited March 23, 2010 by sumdude
phineas Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 Most of my ex's are ex's because they cheated on me. I don't even know where they are or anything about their lives. My STBXW is the only one I HAVE to be friends with. I have 2 kids with her. I HAVE to learn to work with her for my kids sake. I can do it also. I am very close to being indiferent towards her. I don't really have any feelings for her. I no longer cringe when my oldest talks about OM. If she has a problem I sometimes catch myself wanting to help but don't. I think that is just a reflex reaction. I was with her for about 7 yrs.
Author Crazy Magnet Posted March 23, 2010 Author Posted March 23, 2010 (edited) #1 is out of the picture, but she has been his "best friend" since they broke up 10 years ago, so although he will barely admit it to me, he's very hurt that she would do this to him and he doesn't understand why. I have this sneaky feeling at some point in the future he's going to ask me to let him try to "save" this friendship. *sigh* #2 Yes. Sketch. She invited him to a lecture she was giving and he RSVPed before asking me about it. Granted he RSVPed for 2, but I really don't want to meet her/support her career. I know she has other upcoming events. I'm literally waiting for his "Hey, I'm going to this do you want to go too" email. He gets her mass forwards about professional talks and presentations she gives. I'm politely declining the next one event. #3 I blew off the first time she told me they dated (he had never mentioned it to me), and I blew off her "I here he's really well endowed what do you think?" question, but I'm having problems shaking the fact that she would go into detail... If it was ONE situation I think I could deal, but this keeps piling up. How many more ex's with weird ass issues are going to show up? I guess I don't understand why he would keep ex's in his life when they cause so much drama and keep him from finding a happy/normal relationship. The last girl he dated (3 or 4 months) bailed due to all the ex's. Now we have all this drama b/c of them. Why won't he clue in!?! I tried to explain to him that ex GF baggage was cumulative and that at some point the baggage is going to be too much for one girl to take b/c he keeps piling it on without ever taking any off. Bringing 35 years of dating past into a current relationship is a LOT. I'm not sure he got it. How do I explain these issues in man speak? Phineas--I would totally understand if there were kids involved, but there aren't. They were all just LT GFs. Edited March 23, 2010 by Crazy Magnet one more thing to say
tigressA Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 I think once #2's event begins looming closer and he talks to you about it, be honest and tell him you'd rather not go, and give your reasons why. As for #3, if you haven't already told her that her comments are inappropriate, you should. Don't just blow them off; by doing that you're making it seem as though it's perfectly okay for her to talk that way about your BF. As for what I think about remaining friends with ex-BFs...it's not for me. I've burned all those bridges, and rightfully. I could never imagine just being friends with any of them, ever.
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