My own porn thread...yellow flag? Red? Neither?

[New Again]

 

Using SELF-descriptive words to communicate to a partner your disappointment in THEIR actions can solve problems without causing the other person to become argumentative and defensive, and without the feeling or tension that arrives after a "fight".

 

This is something I need to work on. So you're saying, use "I feel X because of Y action by you?" Or something else?

 

I do have a quick, but short-lived temper, and also struggle with being communicative in relationships....it's pretty much why I'm here

[A O]

Your post is hysterical! I just spent 5 minutes cleaning up the wine I spewed all over my computer when I read it. Thanks, I haven't laughed so hard all day

Cheers, I do fancy myself as a bit of a comedian, but I don't use it that often around here. Humour tends to strike a nerve, not always for the best either. Two points to consider for the future (1) if you don't want your thread to go off-track, then don't agree or accept points that you don't wish to discuss, and more to the point, don't complain about it if you do let that happen. (2), just remember that your thinking will be scrutinized so you better have justification for what you think. In this case, as far as thinking that your man maybe an addict is concerned, you had no justification for thinking that way. So, while your feelings and concerns here in general are fully justified, likewise, a lot of your thinking here isn't.

 

Can we spend less time protecting porn usage and more time actually helping New Again? Jeez, porn is so stupid, in all ways.

If porn were stupid then we wouldn't have a problem here. Bottom line is that his behavior, heavily influenced by porn on this occasion, is a problem for the OP. As she said, his porn viewing has affected her and how she views the relationship. And as others have said, this can all be dealt with through communicating her feelings to her SO and judging his reactions (is he respectful enough to listen or is he being dismissive or shades in between) as to where she goes from there.

 

 

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[threebyfate]

I could probably start a thread about this too....

 

He does come over sometimes, but probably 3/4 of the time I go there....reason being if we sleep over, traffic in the morning from my place is in-bound, but from his is out-bound (so I would have a 15 or 20 minute commute, while his would be up to an hour+). Also, 60% of my job is work-from-home, so I have way more flexibility.

 

He lives right in the city, and I recently moved a bit outside it. So on weekends it's better to go to his place b/c there's more to do and no need to worry about driving.

 

Another reason for that is just that I am very weird about my personal space. He gave me a key to his place already, and is very comfortable with me being there without him and so on. He is so open (I'm not) and laid-back (I'm not)....

 

I am very weird and VERY protective of my personal space. It takes me a long time to warm up to other people being in my space, and I have to work them in a little bit at a time, on my terms.

I wondered, since with your ex, you also spent more time at his place.

 

I will point out that it makes life a little too easy for these guys and sets things up for being taken for granted.

[New Again]

I wondered, since with your ex, you also spent more time at his place.

 

I will point out that it makes life a little too easy for these guys and sets things up for being taken for granted.

 

Ah, this is definitely something to think about, as that was probably the biggest issue in my last relationship.

 

Well that and my communication....

[threebyfate]

Ah, this is definitely something to think about, as that was probably the biggest issue in my last relationship.

Give and take, 50/50. If he wants to see you, he can make some effort to do so, including showing appreciation.

[Wallace1]

This is something I need to work on. So you're saying, use "I feel X because of Y action by you?" Or something else?

 

I do have a quick, but short-lived temper, and also struggle with being communicative in relationships....it's pretty much why I'm here

 

You're on the right track!

 

Example:

 

Instead of "You disappointed me the other night when you didn't keep a schedule"

 

Say "I was disappointed the other night when I had to wait around. I thought we had set aside a specific time."

 

or

 

Instead of "You made me Angry when you didn't value my time"

 

Say "I felt Angry when my time wasn't valued"

 

 

Now, it doesn't mean it will WORK in getting the results you want. But, it should work just as well as phrasing it in a combative way.

[A O]

Well that and my communication....

Communication is essential to all healthy relationships. This is your core problem here. You need to work out why communication is a problem for you, either by starting a new thread or more importantly, through seeing a councilor.

 

.

[New Again]

Give and take, 50/50. If he wants to see you, he can make some effort to do so, including showing appreciation.

 

That's it! I'm inviting him to dinner at my place this week....I already have him reserved to be here this weekend.

 

I swear I will work on this and get better!!

[Kamille]

To add to the progress that has been made on this thread about feeling deprioritized and communicating on those issues:

 

 

Until you communicate how something makes you feel, you cannot expect your partner to comply to it or guess how it makes you feel. Nor should you go about "punishing" him for the upsetting behavior. So, if you end up feeling deprioritized again, tell him how it makes you feel and then decide, for yourself, whether to walk out (and go do something you would rather be doing) or wait for him. If you decide not to wait for him (and that's most likely what I would do), do so without anger. He had no idea his behavior hurt you, up until the moment you told him how it made you feel.

 

So, no need for drama: communicate clearly and calmly and make sure you don't allow yourself to feel stepped upon.

[New Again]

Communication is essential to all healthy relationships. This is your core problem here. You need to work out why communication is a problem for you, either by starting a new thread or more importantly, through seeing a councilor.

 

.

 

Well I've gotten a lot of help here about this in the past, and have picked out things from this thread that will help me

 

Work in progress, but not a lost cause.

[New Again]

Well how's this for progress!

 

Trying to make future plans with him...and he actually let me know that he'll get back to me ASAP but has an issue (with something else) to deal with first.

 

(I wasn't that effective when we discussed this issue on porn night, but I did mention some of these things to him.)

 

Now I just need to maintain...

[threebyfate]

Well how's this for progress!

 

Trying to make future plans with him...and he actually let me know that he'll get back to me ASAP but has an issue (with something else) to deal with first.

 

(I wasn't that effective when we discussed this issue on porn night, but I did mention some of these things to him.)

 

Now I just need to maintain...

Hold him to this. If he waits days to get back to you, then it's just words.

[make me believe]

Sooo wait, did he actually drive an hour JUST to masturbate? Or was it more like, he finished all of his errands on that side of town and then stopped at home for a quick wank? If he drove an hour there & back just to jerk off then that's really weird. And a potential red flag, especially given the comments his roommate made about him being "addicted" to porn.

 

I'm not sure why ADF insists that his masturbating in the afternoon had absolutely no effect on whether you had sex that night. Some guys have long refractory periods, and if they orgasm in the afternoon they CAN'T do it again that night. It's definitely possible. But you should just ask your bf. I know it feels awkward, but just say something like "So, I was disappointed we didn't get to have sex the other night! Did it have anything to do with your masturbating earlier in the day? I know some guys have a longer refractory period than others..." etc. Phrase it neutrally so he doesn't feel like you're attacking him.

[New Again]

Sooo wait, did he actually drive an hour JUST to masturbate? Or was it more like, he finished all of his errands on that side of town and then stopped at home for a quick wank? If he drove an hour there & back just to jerk off then that's really weird. And a potential red flag, especially given the comments his roommate made about him being "addicted" to porn.

 

I'm not sure why ADF insists that his masturbating in the afternoon had absolutely no effect on whether you had sex that night. Some guys have long refractory periods, and if they orgasm in the afternoon they CAN'T do it again that night. It's definitely possible. But you should just ask your bf. I know it feels awkward, but just say something like "So, I was disappointed we didn't get to have sex the other night! Did it have anything to do with your masturbating earlier in the day? I know some guys have a longer refractory period than others..." etc. Phrase it neutrally so he doesn't feel like you're attacking him.

He didn't get *any* of his errands done prior to us hanging out....so at best he ran home for something he needed to do his errands, decided to look at porn, then had to go home after work before running errands anyways....which is why I think most likely he went home just to look at porn and whack off.

 

I know from experience that he has a very long "recovery" period (he's mid30s and takes some meds that can interfere with libido if I remember correctly). I feel more comfortable assuming this is the case than asking him outright if porn is the reason....if it happens again I'll probably ask him point-blank though. I need sex and I won't deal with this crap if that's what's goingo n.

[New Again]

I'll also add that I have myself been so incredibly horny for whatever reason (hormones I guess) that I just couldn't get enough and, given the opportunity, would've gone home from work to get off.....BUT not if that meant I wouldn't be able or willing to engage in sexual acts (not even just sex itself) later on in the night.

 

Sexual acts are very important for bonding and intimacy and so on in relationships. To me.

 

So, if that's what's going onhere, it's not ok with me.

[Kamille]

It sounds like you're working yourself up but not extremely comfortable with communication.

 

Tell him you are a very sexual being and were very disappointed you two did not have sex that night. Tell him you wonder if the fact he masturbated that afternoon is linked to the fact he wasn't more in the mood later.

 

But there really until you actually talk to him about this, try not to work yourself up. (Else, when you work yourself up ahead of time, it gets trickier trying to talk about things).

[New Again]

Some of you got me all fired up to talk to him...especially thanks TBF for sortakinda-not-quite-indirectly reminding me of the sins of my past

 

We just got off the phone, and he actually mentioned something related to sex, so I brought my sex thing up, but didn't tie it into the other night.

 

He said that before we dated he got used to whacking off to porn, and has been having difficulty with sex, eg being stimulated in another way.

 

So we're going to work on it.

 

We'll see how everything else works out, in regards to time/boundaries and so on.

[Green]

When me and my gf first started having sex it happened atleast twice a day... and no I was not looking at porn. Seriously I think it really says something bad about him if he pleasures himself when there was even a chance you would be doing it for him. Its one thing if he won't see you for a week and he does it a few days before he sees you, but if things are hot and heavy and he finds time to slip away and jack off that is really sad and yes a red flag though not the end of the world you should bring it up with him... if he keeps doing this Icould see it being really hurtful and the end for him.

[Green]

He said that before we dated he got used to whacking off to porn, and has been having difficulty with sex, eg being stimulated in another way.

 

So we're going to work on it.

 

We'll see how everything else works out, in regards to time/boundaries and so on.

 

what he is saying is true, it is hard to go from being stimulated one way to the other. You get comfortable both mentaly and physicaly, but he really needs to make an efort and stop pleasuring himself. Seriously if you guy are going to be having regular sex atleast once a week I don't see why he can't just stop cold turkey.

[Lizzie60]

It is rather strange that he left WORK to go home and jerk off.. quite strange... I could understand if he would jerk off AFTER work.. but to leave work... humm....I have no clue..

 

My first lover after I left my first ex.. was not a good lover.. he didn't like 'intercourse' that much.. he would rather jerk off.. he said it was much faster and easier..

 

Needless to say.. I dumped him... that was 13 years ago.. to this day we are still friends.. he was just not as sexual as I was.. (and still isn't)... he admitted that my drive was too much for him to handle..

 

Some men ...

[Jersey Shortie]

New Again, keep us updated on how it goes.

 

I think it sounds like your man has an issue with porn. It will be up to him if he wants to be man enough to overcome it.

[phineas]

Some of you got me all fired up to talk to him...especially thanks TBF for sortakinda-not-quite-indirectly reminding me of the sins of my past

 

We just got off the phone, and he actually mentioned something related to sex, so I brought my sex thing up, but didn't tie it into the other night.

 

He said that before we dated he got used to whacking off to porn, and has been having difficulty with sex, eg being stimulated in another way.

 

So we're going to work on it.

 

We'll see how everything else works out, in regards to time/boundaries and so on.

 

With that info I now see your concern.

Did you suspect that other forms of stimulation didn't get him erect & didn't relay that or did have no idea?

[sally4sara]

You are allowed to set the standards for who you want to date. If you don't want a guy who looks at porn, be upfront about it and stick to it. If you seem on the fence about it, any guy who even rarely looks at porn is still going to look at it if you seem like it isn't a huge deal.

 

But truthfully, I've never known a guy (especially a young one) who jerked of in the morning to not want sex the following night JUST because he jerked off earlier. That is plenty of hours later; maybe he was just tired.

 

Be honest with yourself. If you didn't know he jerked off to porn that morning, how would you have perceived his not wanting sex that night?

[phineas]

For me, I would jerk off that morning or even just before a date so I wasn't a 2-pump-chump later on in the evening.

[DustySaltus]

For me, I would jerk off that morning or even just before a date so I wasn't a 2-pump-chump later on in the evening.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ek3XKF2GcjE