My own porn thread...yellow flag? Red? Neither?

[silic0ntoad]

That's why I said in the beginning of this topic that the only thing most of the men would care about is that the male in the situation would still get to view porn, still have a partner there to spread her legs for him, and that a man can do no wrong ever ever ever when it comes to his porn habits. Male porn habit/need = always right. At least by how many men view it and exhibited it in this thread. Some posters even went as far as to tell the OP that there isn't even a problem. Completely dimissing her issue.

 

 

I believe I addressed the issue quite clearly, and yet you still insist here on making misandrist blanket claims that hold no true creedence. Get a grip.

 

By your logic, if a man is in a relationship, he isn't able to have sex with his SO and watch porn, am I right? Not only is that simply illogical, it's also quite selfish and insecure.

 

We don't care if this dude gets any. Hell, I couldn't care less. What I care about is misandrist perspectives being dumped on the posters in this thread for voicing an opinion, and yet you still have refused to debunk any of my claims or arguments while sticking with this militant, man hating feminist agenda. Spare me.

 

Sheesh, remind me next time I post here to throw up the Nazi Salute before I post any opinions, simply for the sake of "being in the in crowd."

 

[threebyfate]

For date night we were supposed to meet at his place for dinner and go out to see a movie, sleep over, and I wanted sex (he usually does too - we both have high sex drives and this is a pretty new R).

 

Instead I came over and had to wait while he got some things done (that he was supposed to do earlier, but went home to watch porn instead), we had a late dinner, and watched tv because we missed the movie. Slept over, attempted to have sex, didn't get any, went to sleep.

New Again, you're putting the onus on porn, where IMO, the translation of the above, reads like this:

 

You feel he's deprioritized you with his actions of not getting it together enough so the two of you can go out and the icing on the cake, was that you felt sexually rejected.

[silic0ntoad]

This is part of the problem (my problem). No doubt.

 

But the other part is what I wrote in a post further up this page.

 

Those are the two main things.

 

I think in all honesty if it happens again, I'd mention it. The best way to address the issue is to let your expectations be known especially about sex drive. It's best to be open in this situation.

 

If he couldn't get it up, I can pretty much guarantee it had nothing to do with porn. I've been there. Wasn't in the mood, she was, told her no, she kept trying, I felt violated.

 

In the case of his porn habits, if it really makes you uncomfortable, try to establish boundaries with him, and tell him what you're comfortable with.

[New Again]

Wrong - JS does and the OP has done nothing but agree with her. That is why the responses are what they are. The OP has done absolutely nothing to distance herself from JS's views and yet complains that posters fail to get her main point!

I'm not sure why you say I have done nothing but agree with JS - I agreed with her twice, that it was frustrating that certain posters were making my thread into a "men vs. women, porn as ethical issue" thread, when that is not my question or problem. I do not want to discuss that issue. Which is why I ignored a huge chunk of posts in this thread - because they are off topic and of no use to me.

 

 

Your point is how his behavior, influenced by porn, made you feel. Your feelings, that's the problem not the lack of time together. Now, I have no reason to disbelieve what you say so simply put - you're dating a lying-uncaring-addict!! If you has any sense, you'd dump his arse, if you truly believe in what you think, you'd dump his arse. If you don't dump his arse, then you're little more than a drama queen and he should dump you.

 

 

.

 

This is all just completely ridiculous. You obviously didn't notice that I was careful not to state my opinion of porn one way or the other - AS WHETHER OR NOT PORN IS OR IS NOT NORMAL IS NOT THE GODDAM ISSUE. You have no basis to advice me to dump my bf "because I have a problem with men who look at porn".

[bac]

I do not know for sure about young guys. But, I know for sure that my man in late 40s always has tried not to watch porn for 1-3 wks before having sex IRL. He told me that there was no way that he could get hard and perform for a while if he had mastebated 1-2 days before.

[Vertex]

Nothing wrong with porn as long as it doesn't screw with your sex life.

 

Otherwise, I'd be mad for the same reasons if, say, a girl always ate food by herself before I'd ask her to dinner (and end up eating alone all the time as a result).

[silic0ntoad]

I'm not sure why you say I have done nothing but agree with JS - I agreed with her twice, that it was frustrating that certain posters were making my thread into a "men vs. women, porn as ethical issue" thread, when that is not my question or problem. I do not want to discuss that issue. Which is why I ignored a huge chunk of posts in this thread - because they are off topic and of no use to me.

 

 

 

 

This is all just completely ridiculous. You obviously didn't notice that I was careful not to state my opinion of porn one way or the other - AS WHETHER OR NOT PORN IS OR IS NOT NORMAL IS NOT THE GODDAM ISSUE. You have no basis to advice me to dump my bf "because I have a problem with men who look at porn".

 

A O was out of line there. Like I said, if you felt he prioritized (Thanks Threebyfate!) the porn over you, then explain that to him. I am sure this is nothing but a cloud that will pass quickly.

 

True porn addicts have a slew of problems, let alone one night where he couldn't perform (Which was probably due to my points above.)

[New Again]

New Again, you're putting the onus on porn, where IMO, the translation of the above, reads like this:

 

You feel he's deprioritized you with his actions of not getting it together enough so the two of you can go out and the icing on the cake, was that you felt sexually rejected.

This is true.

 

I think in all honesty if it happens again, I'd mention it. The best way to address the issue is to let your expectations be known especially about sex drive. It's best to be open in this situation.

 

If he couldn't get it up, I can pretty much guarantee it had nothing to do with porn. I've been there. Wasn't in the mood, she was, told her no, she kept trying, I felt violated.

 

In the case of his porn habits, if it really makes you uncomfortable, try to establish boundaries with him, and tell him what you're comfortable with.

I probably wouldn't have thought much about him not being interested in sex if I hadn't known that he jerked off earlier, and then been annoyed and hurt about the errand thing also. But all added together, yeah I feel rejected and not considered.

 

I do think it is very weird to spend 2 hours commuting to go home to jerk off.

 

But, his porn habits (so far) aren't the issue for me, aside from his decision (once for sure, but definitely we've had similar situations in the past where I didn't know for a fact it was because of porn) that negatively impacted our planned time together.

 

How do you even tell that to someone though? Talk about an awkward conversation - I feel like that's when you get defensive attitudes and lying. As it is now porn is something he talks to me about (as evidenced by him feeling comfortable enough to tell me that his roommate thinks he watches too much of it); I doubt this would be the case if I told him it was starting to piss me off and could he please only jerk off when blah blah blah

[Jersey Shortie]

Silic0ntoad, no misandrists comments to be seen. As you and a few others have proven, you are more interested in defending the porn use. I could have responded to your last post but I let it go as I didn't want to fill up the Op's topic with more of what she doesn't want.

 

I think many men are capable of having sex with their SO and watching porn. Infact, I think this is what is important to men. That they have both to use at will when they feel like it. I however think it's funny you call me selfish when porn use is completely selfish! And yes, I have insecurities. That doesn't change a darn thing. YOU have insecurities, that doesn't mean your opinion is less valid. You don't have to go up against an industry that demeans men as many women have to face everyday with the men in their lives that say they love their women so much but are okay putting it all on the line for a few moments beating it off to 18 year old implanted pornstars. We get what is important to men. It couldn't be more obvious as those unnaturally fake breasts are.

 

Funny how concerned you are about a man hating agenda but could care less about the objectification of the female gender and the way women are used and discarded in porn, called names for male sexual pleasure..etc etc etc.

[Jersey Shortie]

I probably wouldn't have thought much about him not being interested in sex if I hadn't known that he jerked off earlier, and then been annoyed and hurt about the errand thing also. But all added together, yeah I feel rejected and not considered.

 

I do think it is very weird to spend 2 hours commuting to go home to jerk off.

 

But, his porn habits (so far) aren't the issue for me, aside from his decision (once for sure, but definitely we've had similar situations in the past where I didn't know for a fact it was because of porn) that negatively impacted our planned time together.

 

How do you even tell that to someone though? Talk about an awkward conversation - I feel like that's when you get defensive attitudes and lying. As it is now porn is something he talks to me about (as evidenced by him feeling comfortable enough to tell me that his roommate thinks he watches too much of it); I doubt this would be the case if I told him it was starting to piss me off and could he please only jerk off when blah blah blah

 

Tell him your fears and concerns completely non-judgemental. I do think there are some red flags if situations like this happenend before even if you don't know if it was from the porn or not.

[silic0ntoad]

This is true.

 

 

I probably wouldn't have thought much about him not being interested in sex if I hadn't known that he jerked off earlier, and then been annoyed and hurt about the errand thing also. But all added together, yeah I feel rejected and not considered.

 

I do think it is very weird to spend 2 hours commuting to go home to jerk off.

 

But, his porn habits (so far) aren't the issue for me, aside from his decision (once for sure, but definitely we've had similar situations in the past where I didn't know for a fact it was because of porn) that negatively impacted our planned time together.

 

How do you even tell that to someone though? Talk about an awkward conversation - I feel like that's when you get defensive attitudes and lying. As it is now porn is something he talks to me about (as evidenced by him feeling comfortable enough to tell me that his roommate thinks he watches too much of it); I doubt this would be the case if I told him it was starting to piss me off and could he please only jerk off when blah blah blah

 

 

Lol. Yeah it might not be the best can to open, but it's one that has to be open for you to be comfortable with your sex life. I am also sure from this point forward every time he doesn't want to bang nasties you're going to think it relates to this.

 

Just be open, honest and frank. Tell him you cherish your time with him and you'd like it if he would share that with you, not digital images, on the days you hang out with him. I think that's totally fine, and noble to be honest.

 

Hell, if you really wanted to, you could offer to watch it with him, and mimick what you see. I've only done it once and it was fun but some of those positions are just for show, and not for her pleasure, so we stopped.

 

If it's been a problem in the past, it may be related, but we won't know until the future comes, so put the past behind you until you see more repetetive behavior.

[phineas]

Do you think those 5-10 minutes would be worth the effort of driving one hour to get home and one hour to get back to work? That's what strikes me as odd.

 

I didn't read it took him 2 hrs of drive time. so i missed the tid-bit.

 

But in all fairness, you are acting like his sole purpose for going home was to jerk off to porn.

 

that doesn't appear to be the case.

 

I don't plan my spank sessions. It just happens. It's entirely possible he was home, felt the urge & took care of it.

 

It's deffinetly poor time management.

[sweetjasmine]

I do think it is very weird to spend 2 hours commuting to go home to jerk off.

 

Can some of you guys comment on this? I also find it weird.

 

edit: cross-posted, phineas, sorry

[Jersey Shortie]

I've only done it once and it was fun but some of those positions are just for show, and not for her pleasure, so we stopped.

 

 

You're kidding. You mean porn has things in it that are just so a man can get off and has nothing to do with real women? Say it ain't so.

[silic0ntoad]

Silic0ntoad, no misandrists comments to be seen. As you and a few others have proven, you are more interested in defending the porn use. I could have responded to your last post but I let it go as I didn't want to fill up the Op's topic with more of what she doesn't want.

 

I think many men are capable of having sex with their SO and watching porn. Infact, I think this is what is important to men. That they have both to use at will when they feel like it. I however think it's funny you call me selfish when porn use is completely selfish! And yes, I have insecurities. That doesn't change a darn thing. YOU have insecurities, that doesn't mean your opinion is less valid. You don't have to go up against an industry that demeans men as many women have to face everyday with the men in their lives that say they love their women so much but are okay putting it all on the line for a few moments beating it off to 18 year old implanted pornstars. We get what is important to men. It couldn't be more obvious as those unnaturally fake breasts are.

 

Funny how concerned you are about a man hating agenda but could care less about the objectification of the female gender and the way women are used and discarded in porn, called names for male sexual pleasure..etc etc etc.

 

 

Don't you get it yet? The porn industry does this because it is male fantasy. FANTASY. Not lived reality in this specific case.

 

Sure, the porn industry demeans women. It also damages the reputation of blacks and other races. It even demeans white males in certain scenarios.

 

So, women are the only gender to compete with a demeaning industry? LOL. How about the unrealistic, even idolistic expectations placed on modern men by feminine magazines? The "Picture perfect" guys with washboard abs, 18" d*cks, six figure jobs, perfect blonde hair, crystal blue eyes, and a chiselled jaw line, to boot? No, men don't deal with that. We don't worry about our appearance, or how we are percieved, because we are simpleton, misogynist morons, right?

 

Agree to disagree in this case, whatever. I've given her valid foolproof advice, whereas you came in spewing venom and demeaning all the male posters here as some "ole boyz club."

[silic0ntoad]

You're kidding. You mean porn has things in it that are just so a man can get off and has nothing to do with real women? Say it ain't so.

 

 

You bore me.

[New Again]

Tell him your fears and concerns completely non-judgemental. I do think there are some red flags if situations like this happenend before even if you don't know if it was from the porn or not.

Mind expounding on what red flags you see? I tend to overanalyze - either it's why I'm so good at my job, or it's a side-effect.....

 

I didn't read it took him 2 hrs of drive time. so i missed the tid-bit.

 

But in all fairness, you are acting like his sole purpose for going home was to jerk off to porn.

 

that doesn't appear to be the case.

 

I don't plan my spank sessions. It just happens. It's entirely possible he was home, felt the urge & took care of it.

 

It's deffinetly poor time management.

You could be right.

 

Since I know what errands he had to run, and I know the geography of his work and where he lives, it was IMO a reasonable assumption that he went home for that specific purpose.

 

He could have run home for something, but in that case it still seems weird to me - because he went an hour home and an hour back to work, and didn't get any of his errands done, and was almost late back to work.

[Jersey Shortie]

Silcin, Don’t you get it yet? It says a lot about men based on what they fantasize about. It says a lot about what men want and desire. At least you can admit that porn industry demeans women. Not that most men care as long as they get to jerk off and orgasm. That is why I said that what most men care about is porn over anything else. You even say it yourself!

 

And no offense but men have their own magazines that cater to them. Maxim much? Hello. And I don’t know any magazines that show a guys dick or job figure. Yes, you do not DEAL with it to nearly the extent women have to face everyday. And it hurts that not only to men fantasize about treating women like this, men that are husbands, brothers, fathers and boyfriends SUPPORT it. It sends so many confusing messages. If it didn’t, it wouldn’t be an endless topic. So stop pretending that men have all the answers and got it all figured out and it’s all okay all the time if am an decides to do it. You do no service to either gender that way.

 

As for venom, YOU are the one spewing venom and name calling. I didn’t demean anyone. I made a honest observation that turned out right. Most of the guys here defended the porn over any problem the OP was having with porn.

 

Mind expounding on what red flags you see? I tend to overanalyze - either it's why I'm so good at my job, or it's a side-effect.....

 

You said there were other times this situation occured and you thought it was just disorganziation. Which it could have been. However, it could have also been porn.

 

Plus, I think when people start ignoring chores and real life things just to jerk off, it's a bit of an issue.

[A O]

I'm not sure why you say I have done nothing but agree with JS - I agreed with her twice, that it was frustrating that certain posters were making my thread into a "men vs. women, porn as ethical issue" thread, when that is not my question or problem.

You want to know why your thread went off your point - just look at your acceptance of Jersey's posts. Now, if you didn't want to go there, if you didn't want your main point to be over shadowed, then you should have censured her instead of accepting her comments and attempting to censure everything else!

 

This is all just completely ridiculous. You obviously didn't notice that I was careful not to state my opinion of porn one way or the other - AS WHETHER OR NOT PORN IS OR IS NOT NORMAL IS NOT THE GODDAM ISSUE. You have no basis to advice me to dump my bf "because I have a problem with men who look at porn".

If I'm being ridiculous then what does that make you, bearing in mind that I'm simply offering a recommendation based solely on what you think. He's an addict, he's a liar and based on your acceptance of Jersey's views, he's also uncaring. This is his behavior, all sparked from porn, but more importantly, this is his behavior according to you. And all this has lead to hurt feelings within you. Now, any person with sense would dump a guy that acts this way, that makes you feel hurt. Only two types won't do this - those with little sense and those who make mountains out of molehills, aka, drama queens.

 

True porn addicts have a slew of problems, let alone one night where he couldn't perform (Which was probably due to my points above.)

This is true, that is why anyone who's willing to label someone an addict or basically think the absolute worst of someone based on very little information is without doubt a drama queen. And drama queens are to be avoided.

 

 

.

[New Again]

You want to know why your thread went off your point - just look at your acceptance of Jersey's posts. Now, if you didn't want to go there, if you didn't want your main point to be over shadowed, then you should have censured her instead of accepting her comments and attempting to censure everything else!

 

If I'm being ridiculous then what does that make you, bearing in mind that I'm simply offering a recommendation based solely on what you think. He's an addict, he's a liar and based on your acceptance of Jersey's views, he's also uncaring. This is his behavior, all sparked from porn, but more importantly, this is his behavior according to you. And all this has lead to hurt feelings within you. Now, any person with sense would dump a guy that acts this way, that makes you feel hurt. Only two types won't do this - those with little sense and those who make mountains out of molehills, aka, drama queens.

 

 

This is true, that is why anyone who's willing to label someone an addict or basically think the absolute worst of someone based on very little information is without doubt a drama queen. And drama queens are to be avoided.

 

 

.

Your post is hysterical! I just spent 5 minutes cleaning up the wine I spewed all over my computer when I read it. Thanks, I haven't laughed so hard all day

[threebyfate]

Can we spend less time protecting porn usage and more time actually helping New Again? Jeez, porn is so stupid, in all ways.

 

New Again, don't bother defending. Right now, try to focus on the problem at hand, which is the feeling of being deprioritized.

 

I wouldn't talk to him this time. If it happens again, as at the time it happens, address his poor time management. If he wants to be with you, he's going to have to get it together, rather than have you sit around waiting for his convenience.

[New Again]

Can we spend less time protecting porn usage and more time actually helping New Again? Jeez, porn is so stupid, in all ways.

 

New Again, don't bother defending. Right now, try to focus on the problem at hand, which is the feeling of being deprioritized.

 

I wouldn't talk to him this time. If it happens again, as at the time it happens, address his poor time management. If he wants to be with you, he's going to have to get it together, rather than have you sit around waiting for his convenience.

 

Always straight to the issue....admittedly, I'm not sure I knew exactly what it was when I started this thread, but I am very clear on the issue now.

 

If this happens again, do you think it's best for me to let him know I'm disappointed and that he has to straighten up, then hang out while he finishes up his stuff

 

OR

 

would it be more effective to say the same, then leave?

 

OR

 

a 3rd option?

[threebyfate]

OR

 

a 3rd option?

Play it by ear.

 

If he's apologetic about his time management issues, then stick around with the understanding that things need to improve.

 

If he's a dufus about it, feeling he's entitled to disrespecting your time, walk and don't bother looking back.

 

I do have to ask one thing. Why are you going to his place? Can he not come to your place?

[Wallace1]

If this happens again, do you think it's best for me to let him know I'm disappointed and that he has to straighten up, then hang out while he finishes up his stuff

 

OR

 

would it be more effective to say the same, then leave?

 

OR

 

a 3rd option?

 

That depends on his style of communication. I'd recommend against commanding that he "straighten up" in either case as it creates a conflict atmosphere.

 

Rather, talk about how you were disappointed that he didn't keep his schedule, how YOU felt when you're time wasn't valued, and stress how YOU are working on valuing each others time. You must be clear on what you're talking about though, I'm not suggesting you "drop hints" or anything like that.

 

Using SELF-descriptive words to communicate to a partner your disappointment in THEIR actions can solve problems without causing the other person to become argumentative and defensive, and without the feeling or tension that arrives after a "fight".

[New Again]

 

I do have to ask one thing. Why are you going to his place? Can he not come to your place?

 

I could probably start a thread about this too....

 

He does come over sometimes, but probably 3/4 of the time I go there....reason being if we sleep over, traffic in the morning from my place is in-bound, but from his is out-bound (so I would have a 15 or 20 minute commute, while his would be up to an hour+). Also, 60% of my job is work-from-home, so I have way more flexibility.

 

He lives right in the city, and I recently moved a bit outside it. So on weekends it's better to go to his place b/c there's more to do and no need to worry about driving.

 

Another reason for that is just that I am very weird about my personal space. He gave me a key to his place already, and is very comfortable with me being there without him and so on. He is so open (I'm not) and laid-back (I'm not)....

 

I am very weird and VERY protective of my personal space. It takes me a long time to warm up to other people being in my space, and I have to work them in a little bit at a time, on my terms.