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Fiancé STILL depressed over daughter who he gave up- !

dani91621

By dani91621
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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dani91621 Member

dani91621

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I need help! This is long but I need to explain for anyone to understand....

 

My relationship is on the rocks because my Fiancé is afraid of commitment and just doesn't seem to be able to move on from the past. I know its hard and by no means do I want him to forget about his daughter, but he is making it to where we cannot move on with our life because he is living in his past.

 

7 years ago him and his girlfriend got pregnant, they are both Mormon and her church and family decided it would be best to give up the baby. He disagreed and told her he would take care of there child, the birthmother denied. My fiancé took her to court and fought almost the entire 9 months she was pregnant. He ended up losing due to money and no lawyer. He had to sign over his parental rights and it was the most heartbreaking thing he has ever had to experience.

 

His daughter now lives in Utah with her amazing adoptive family, we visit her all the time. She is truly in a better place. But still to this day he breaks down and blames himself for what happened. He is afraid to get married, he is afraid he will be unable to love our children to the fullest when we have them because he loves his daughter so much. He will get into a deep depression about her if I even bring her name up. He will get defensive and mean as well....

 

He refuses to see a councilor or go to church...I don't know what to do or how to approach him in a way that will make him comfortable. I want a future with him, I want his daughter in our lives as well, but I want a life of my own....

 

Help please!!

bubbles5 Established Member

bubbles5

Posted
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First of all WAKE HIM UP FRM PAST. Its hard though but he has to accept things n I suggest to move out frm his old house or some other place so that slowly he starts accepting things.Assure him that TRUST that things wil work out fine between u n him.And I would like to know did he broke up recently? if thats the case or its been year or so he will take time to accept it n dont remind him continously abt his girl or else he will never b able to move ahead in his life.

Lizzie60 Established Member

Lizzie60

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Humm.. I'm afraid this will take a loooong time for him to heal...

 

It must be extremely hard for him... if I were you, I would be patient... give him all the support.. and who knows.. maybe he will heal over time..

 

since he's seeing her... it is almost impossible for him to just forget the past.. she's in his life still...

 

this is hard... :o

Chrome Barracuda Established Member

Chrome Barracuda

Posted
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Yeah you gotta be patient. This love he has for his child is amazing and most men can never muster the depth of what it states!!!

 

YOU need to have compassion and be loving. Be there for him, he will need you! This child was taken from him, when he wanted to be a father. That hurts.

 

You as a woman are probably feeling that he needs to focus his attention on you. i get that but this situation needs to be resolved before he can move on and focus on you, if he doesnt deal with it now, it will naw at him and eat him up on the inside. It will consume him, better for him to face it now and deal with it later, when she comes knocking on your door when she's 18. Right?

melodymatters Established Member

melodymatters

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I disagree that simply being lovng and patient will snap him out of this. You are already doing that, and it's not working !

 

I'm not sure HOW you can go about helping when he seems to not be open to even talking about it !?!

 

He needs to know that

 

* His daughter is having a wonderful life and that he is lucky to be able to share a relationship with her that will probably get even stronger as she matures

 

* Ask any parent, you always wonder how you can love baby #2 as much as your first, but once you have them, BAM.

 

* if he is scared of living: committing, marrying, starting a family, he is basically in a depressed rut, and is NOT making himself the best person he can be and what a BAD example this is for his daughter.

 

How long have you been together ? Would you be willing to walk away if nothing changes ?

 

He either needs to get busy living or get busy dying, and there is no reason for you to " die" right along with him !

sally4sara Established Member

sally4sara

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Is he able to provide the life she now has on his own?

 

If not, then her being there is better and he needs to stop making it about him.

Still, that is awful. But if he keeps in touch, they could still have a good bond for life.

 

But I don't see the need to pressure him just to get the white wedding.

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dani91621 Member

dani91621

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Me and him have been together for 2 years...it is an open adoption and so we visit her all the time. Acually going to see her in a couple weeks. I know he loves me and by NO means am I trying to get him to forget her or move on from her. Im not rushing a marriage either...I just want him to realize that she is in a better place and it is okay to move on from the past and start your own life. He is VERY traumatized and he also refuses to see a counciler...I leave it alone and dont pressure him but I cant just sit back and deal with this forever. And to answer your question whether or not I would leave him if things do not change? Well yes, what women wouldnt leave if nothing is changing in her realtionship for the better? Ill stick by his side for as long as there are improvements.

Ariadne Established Member

Ariadne

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He just needs to have a family with you and everything will be alright.

 

That will close all the gaps and he will experience being a father.

 

Good thing you get to see his daughter! This is awesome and very important.

Lizzie60 Established Member

Lizzie60

Posted
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Me and him have been together for 2 years...it is an open adoption and so we visit her all the time. Acually going to see her in a couple weeks. I know he loves me and by NO means am I trying to get him to forget her or move on from her. Im not rushing a marriage either...I just want him to realize that she is in a better place and it is okay to move on from the past and start your own life. He is VERY traumatized and he also refuses to see a counciler...I leave it alone and dont pressure him but I cant just sit back and deal with this forever. And to answer your question whether or not I would leave him if things do not change? Well yes, what women wouldnt leave if nothing is changing in her realtionship for the better? Ill stick by his side for as long as there are improvements.

 

I'm sure he knows she's in a good place.. but if you were him.. you'd think she'd be much better with the bio parent who loves her.. I very much doubt he can move on from the past.. she's not the past.. she's the 'present' and his 'future'... like he can't just start his own life.. she's already part of it..

 

I'm sorry but she will always be his priority.. eventhough he has other kids.. she's his first child.. she's special...

 

And if he visits her regularly.. who knows.. when she reach her 'majority' he might be a bigger part in her life..

melodymatters Established Member

melodymatters

Posted
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I'm sure he knows she's in a good place.. but if you were him.. you'd think she'd be much better with the bio parent who loves her.. I very much doubt he can move on from the past.. she's not the past.. she's the 'present' and his 'future'... like he can't just start his own life.. she's already part of it..

 

I'm sorry but she will always be his priority.. eventhough he has other kids.. she's his first child.. she's special...

 

And if he visits her regularly.. who knows.. when she reach her 'majority' he might be a bigger part in her life..

 

 

Following this train of logic, this dudes life is OVER. He needs to either jump off a bridge or pitch a tent on his now adopted daughters front lawn.

 

She was his first child and things didn't go the way he wished, for HIM. No more love allowed, EVER.

 

She has a wonderful family, PLUS a bio dad who is devoted to her. Sounds like more than MOST kids get.

 

It sounds like when she becomes older the guy would love for her to be a bigger part of his life, but what about in the meantime....?

 

The present is just that : the way things are. He can continue to live and hopefully share all the love he seems to have in his heart with others, or he can obsess over a situation that can't be changed and sounds pretty healthy for all parties involved.

 

Some people lose their loved ones to death. There are no do-overs there, and everyone encourages them to move on. In this case he has a lifetime to nurture a relationship with his bio daughter, but he should stay in bed with the shades drawn and refuse to live ????

 

I have sympathy for the gentleman, and Lizzie I have always appreciated your reverence for children, but in this case ? The guy needs to forgve himself and start living lfe.

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