Sending this to the ex initiating NC

[HopelessRomance]

It's been almost 2 weeks since we broke up and so far we have spoken quite a bit and I know it's not good for me in the long run. So should I send this?

 

"Hey, I really don't want to do this and I know I'm gonna regret sending this as soon as I do. I'm not very good at doing what's best for me, usually I just do what makes me happy right now and that's talking to you. But I'm scared this will turn into another Alex deal*. I know you aren't enough of an ******* to use me for sex and I know that we would be great friends for a while just like Alex and I were. But one day you will get a new girl and it will kill me and I won't be able to see you anymore. So maybe it's best to skip all that and skip to the pain of losing you now not to another girl. When we first broke up I knew it was over. But since you said you miss me and that you never know, we might be back together in a few months, ive had false hope that we will be back together soon. I'm waiting for you to want me back and that sucks. I miss you so much already, I know it's gonna hurt more to not talk to you at all. The simple fact is I love you and I want you back and being friends I'll always want more. It was hard enough hugging you the other day when all I wanted to do was kiss you. You are the most amazing guy I know and I take pride in that fact that I dated a guy like you. No one can make me laugh like you do, and that's what makes me the saddest but I can't be friends with you if that's all we will ever be. I'm sorry. I'll miss you so much. I love you. Cass xox"

 

*Alex is my last ex. We stayed 'friends' after we broke up for about a year. I got jealous every time he spoke to another girl. I had a breakdown once when he spoke about wanting to start dating a new girl that apparently liked him to. Eventually it ended when I started dating the guy I just broke up with and Michael got jealous and wanted me back but I turned him down because I had moved on. [i also changed his name]

[CarrieT]

Read your other thread and don't start duplicate threads with the exact same post.

[Rearden Metal]

Way too long hun. Try this:

 

Friends isn't going to work for me. I'll always want more and having that hope does me no good. Thanks for the positive memories, but please let's not have anymore contact. I wish you the best! Love, me.

 

Then ENFORCE IT. Don't reply to meaningless contact. Move on with your life.

[Fouts]

Listen to RM, he's a recent graduate of this course Hope everything is cool with you RM, I haven't been around in a couple of weeks or so.

[Ilovecake]

If you’re trying to make sure this guy never ever talks to you again and thinks of you as a complete basket case than I think the letter is perfect. You’ve hit all the right notes, groveling, self pity, letting him know he can go and do what he needs to while you wait around for him, comparing him to other men you were with.

[Rearden Metal]

Listen to RM, he's a recent graduate of this course Hope everything is cool with you RM, I haven't been around in a couple of weeks or so.

 

Hey buddy... I don't wanna hijack, so check my thread in Coping for updates and put in your .02!!!

[Pink Cupcakes]

Oh my gosh, no! This guy dumped you for a reason - and that is he just isn't that into you.

Stop contact ALTOGETHER. If he texts, or initiates contact, don't respond. I have the feeling that it is you who is initiating contact.

He doesn't want you in his life.

That is why a guy or a gal breaks up with someone.

Have some dignity and leave the guy alone.

[HopelessRomance]

He actually initiates most of the contact. Hence why I wanted to send him a heartfelt message because I know he will get upset if I just say simply 'We cant be friends, dont contact me again'

We still get along like nothing happened, we still talk like nothing happened. He says he misses me, he does want me in his life. Im pretty sure I know the situation better than a lot of you and I know why he broke up with me.

 

Some of you can pretty harsh you know. I thought this was an advice forum.

[Rearden Metal]

He actually initiates most of the contact. Hence why I wanted to send him a heartfelt message because I know he will get upset if I just say simply 'We cant be friends, dont contact me again'

We still get along like nothing happened, we still talk like nothing happened. He says he misses me, he does want me in his life. Im pretty sure I know the situation better than a lot of you and I know why he broke up with me.

 

Some of you can pretty harsh you know. I thought this was an advice forum.

 

Apologies for the harsh replies. Go read my thread. I was EXACTLY where you are. I SENT the email. It's posted in my thread. The advice you're getting is born of the pain and agony that the people giving it have gone through. They are harsh because people in your position don't want to hear anything but what they want to hear.

 

I know because I was there.

[Pink Cupcakes]

He is keeping in contact because although he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, he wants all the benefits of it, except getting to not have overnights and getting to look for other women to pursue. He is saying "I broke up with you because you are not girlfriend material, and I am not in love with you. However, I may need no strings sex when sex is not available and my ego stroked, so let's stay friends until I meet someone who is worthy of being my real girlfriend and who I respect more and am able to love" when he texts you. Very classic.

[Ilovecake]

Apologies for the harsh replies. Go read my thread. I was EXACTLY where you are. I SENT the email. It's posted in my thread. The advice you're getting is born of the pain and agony that the people giving it have gone through. They are harsh because people in your position don't want to hear anything but what they want to hear.

 

I know because I was there.

 

This is very true. Many people come here asking for advice and when given the advice they will argue it to no end because it's not what they want to hear. What they really want is not advice but justification. I bet if one person here told you that letter is a great idea and 20 people told you it’s not you would listen to that one person who is justifying you sending the letter. People tell it how it is here because they see right through it; we’ve all been there done that. It's like telling a child not to touch the hot stove sometimes you need to yell it out loud to get through before they get burned. You're in a state right now where it's really hard to think in terms of reality. You live in a fantasy of a knight in white shining armor coming to your rescue and the reality is a harsh one that it will not happen. The reality is that you are making yourself sound pathetic in this letter and we’re just trying to stop you from making a fool of yourself and hurting yourself even more then you already are. We don’t need to know your relationship the way you do because we have all seen this letter written a thousand different ways on this site. We’ve heard all the excuses for why “your letter is the only one that will work”. It’s always followed by “well you don’t know my ex like I do.” You are following a very common pattern and trying to talk yourself and a bunch of strangers into believing that this guy truly cares about you. If he cared he would have not made you feel the way you say you feel in the letter. Any advice you get here is from the heart and the pain we've all been through and if you can't handle hearing what you don't want to hear then please don't ask for advice. You can always say I just need someone to pat me on the back and people are willing to do that here as well but be honest with the folks here and especially with yourself.

[HopelessRomance]

Apologies for the harsh replies. Go read my thread. I was EXACTLY where you are. I SENT the email. It's posted in my thread. The advice you're getting is born of the pain and agony that the people giving it have gone through. They are harsh because people in your position don't want to hear anything but what they want to hear.

 

I know because I was there.

 

No it's not that. I am only offended when people assume that this guy is an ******* and just out to use me for sex. My last ex did that, I have been there, I was used for a year. I know that this guy is NOTHING like that. He knows all about my last relationship and he is disgusted with the way I was treated. This guy has morals and respect. And broke up with me as to not hurt me further in the future, he has told me a lot that he really wanted us to work out and he thinks there is something wrong with HIM because he doesn't have deep enough feelings for me.

 

And don't assume that because I was dumped I must be initiating most of the contact because I am actually not. He comments everything I put on facebook and if I comment him he texts me his reply and starts a conversation.

 

I can already see that the email would have been a bad idea. I know I wrote it when I was upset, hence why I wanted advice before I sent it. I am not a complete wreck, I get pretty upset every now and then but I am ok. I just wanted some advice.

[Rearden Metal]

So it's the "He's Just not that Into You" thing. He likes you, thinks you're great, but doesn't feel head over heels for you.

 

So it's up to you, you can be his buddy, and accept that he'll move on and date and you should too. Or you can sever ties and move on without his friendship. Most on this site advise the former, ESPECIALLY if you ever want a shot at reconciliation. Because without you in his daily life, he will get a real taste of what it's like to not have you around at all.

 

He may not mind that, or he may learn to live with it. OR, he may realize what he's missing and come back. If it's the last, he may try to lure you back in with "crumbs". Honey, you want the meal. Don't chase the crumbs.

[HopelessRomance]

Exactly. I know I need to break contact I just don't know how. Not to mention it's terrifying. I know he cares and he wants me around so I don't want to offend him. Then I know that there will be my moments of weakness and I will want to contact him more than anything. I am completly at a loss for what he wants or how he wants me to handle this. I am completly at a loss for how I want me to handle this because I know both ways involve a lot of pain, only the former let's me put the pain off until he moves on.

[Rearden Metal]

I meant to say "latter" there, but it won't let me edit.

 

Both ways are painful. Only one way lets you heal. Being his friend will give you higher spikes of happiness, and terribly low lows. And you'll never be available for anyone else until you're over him.

 

Cutting him off will allow you (slowly, likely) to put him behind you. Go on with life and be happy again. And there's no law that says you guys won't be able to reconnect, either as friends or more, somewhere in the future. But right now, it's not working for you or you wouldn't be on here at all.

[HopelessRomance]

URGH I AM SO ANGRY WITH HIM! But kinda not at the same time =(

 

We had the talk tonight. I told him we can't be friends because Im not dealing with the breakup, Im just ignoring it because I still talk to him and he still makes me happy. I told him that he confused me by saying he misses me that we may get back together in a few months. So I asked him to tell me straight out if there is any chance we will EVER get back together. First he said that he DOES miss being with me but he knows it wont work and At this time no, no chance. So I asked what he meant by 'At this time' He said 'No then' so I said

 

"Why did you tell me we might then?"

"Ok maybe in the future if it works but not now, you do want you want and try to forget me"

 

So that was all good. We talked a bit more and then he said

 

"Goodnight, sorry I'm a douche"

 

He has been really down on himself since the break up so I said

 

"What!? Why the **** do you think you are a douche now!?"

"Coz I gave you up and hurt you"

"Quit doing that! You make it sound like you regret it and I know you don't! Like I said, leave all the self loathing to me, it's my fault we broke up and I wasn't good enough for you"

"Other way round, you were too good for me. I do regret breaking up but I know it's for the best. Stop hating yourself over this, Im not worth it"

 

WTF!! Who tells their ex that they 1. Miss them. 2. Thought everything was going well until I brought up something I shouldn't have. 3. Who knows, we could be back together in 2 or 3 months. 4. Sometimes when you get rid of something you don't know how to feel and you start to miss it. 5. THAT YOU REGRET BREAKING UP WITH THEM!!???

 

I thought we had it all cleared up, now Im just confused again!! I don't understand him at all!! What do you guys think?

[HopelessRomance]

Oh my gosh, no! This guy dumped you for a reason - and that is he just isn't that into you.

Stop contact ALTOGETHER. If he texts, or initiates contact, don't respond. I have the feeling that it is you who is initiating contact.

He doesn't want you in his life.

That is why a guy or a gal breaks up with someone.

Have some dignity and leave the guy alone.

 

By the way, he messaged me today simply to tell me that he bought a new Tv. Believe me when I say it is not me initiating contact.

[Rearden Metal]

The old "it's not you, it's me".

 

What he's saying is there's nothing wrong with you, but that he doesn't have feelings for you anymore. And that he cares about you, so he's deflecting the blame to himself by putting himself down. Effectively, letting you off the hook.

 

There's nothing you can SAY that will change his mind. But there is something you can DO.

 

It's called NC. Disappear. Vanish. Block everything, don't answer texts, calls or emails unless they explicitly say "I made a mistake. I want to make things better. I lost focus and will do X,Y,Z to make things work between us. I want you back and I'll never let go. I love you."

 

If any part of that is missing, he's full of sh*t.

 

The reason he's contacting you is because you give him attention. Other people are busy or not responding and he needs his fix. Good thing there's HopelessRomance to answer the call!

[paperchase]

I have my own set of problems right now but I do know what you are going though. When I first got dumped a year of so ago I got a letter about how I was the best man ever, the man of her dreams, she just wasn't herself anymore, this was the toughest decision of her life, she knew she'd regret it, she loves me more than herself, she wishes we could be together, turn back the hands of time, freeze time, but we are too far gone. I was like wtf! I didn't understand. It sounded like she wanted to be with me, but I was getting dumped. Remember at all times that actions speak louder than words. If they wanted to be with you, they'd be with you.

 

So in your case he strung you along a bit but when you finally put his feet to the fire he told you it was over. He extinguished hope. At that point it was easier to extinguish hope and take the blame then to deal with the constant pressure of you while being placed in limbo. It was a drastic measure it it's typical when your ex has a new lover. They need to make space. They want you around but not if they can't create the physical and mental space they need to pursue a new relationship.

 

So, believe everyone when they tell you that NC is your only option. It's a win win situation. You heal and (although people don't like to say this on loveshack and you shouldn't focus on this either) you find out for sure whether it's truly over. You'll never know that if you don't go completely NC and refuse to break the silence until they come pounding down your door telling you they made a mistake and will do anything it takes to fix it.

 

So you are looking for a way to go NC. You don't want to be mean or give the wrong impression. Well not that you have your closure (he said there's no hope) you can do it one of two ways. You can just do it and say nothing. This is ok based on your last exchange. You don't owe him an explanation at this point. Somehow, though, I doubt you'll take this route. So option two is to write a letter...a BRIEF letter. Don't rehash everything, don't sound pathetic, don't try to guilt him, don't hold out hope or leave the door cracked and, personally, I wouldn't even tell him that I'm going NC except by inference. I might write as follows:

 

Dear X,

 

Until our last conversation I had held out hope that we might rekindle our love. It is now, however, painfully clear that things are over between us. While I respect your decision to end things, I am not willing to be friends under the circumstances. That decision would not be healthy. So I have decided to move on and make myself emotionally available to someone who can meet my needs. I wish you the best of luck in finding whatever happiness you seek.

 

Sincerely,

 

_________

 

That's it. Then go dark and never resurface. Hit the gym, buy some new clothes, get your girls to force you to go out and throw yourself in your work. It's so hard. 1 day seems like an eternity. 5 days seems like infinity especially if you had the kind of relationship where you communicated all day every day. Do not blink. One look back and you will turn to stone. If you break the silence you will reset the clock. Trust me. Research all the threads from all the people you talked themselves into breaking the silence only to be overcome with regret after they did not get the intended result.

 

And here's the hard part. Don't hope he tries to contact you. I did this. Even though I didn't respond I secretly hoped she'd contact me and when she did it felt good but when she didn't I felt empty and forgotten. Just go into it accepting the very real prospect that you'll never hear from them again and then accept the fact that if you do hear from them you won't hear what you want. They may just send you meaningless communication to see if you'll bite or to have their ego stroked by making you break your silence.

 

Best of luck.

[djentleman]

Rearden Metal,

 

I must say, you're among one of the best LS 'advisers' from which I've read in my short time here.

 

My two-cents: Although we're all experiencing these similar 'hiccups' in our lives, no two situations are completely alike. However, RM and the many others before him are correct — unless this person is going to break it down, thus delivering for you a display of apology greater than Socrates himself could have ever given through spoken language, and openly admits he was wrong and wants to make it work, then it's not worth crippling your mind.

 

My ex has cried her eyes out over me deciding to go out for nights in the city, all Dapper-Dan (I'd let myself become that plain GAP t and jeans guy, like an off-duty Brad Pitt, and a hermit). She proclaimed that she didn't want things to be the way they were; she's told me that she does not want to tell me how she feels about me, because it would only increase my sense of gratification (face it, if she said 'gratification,' she then she loves/wants me in some way), and that everyday she cries and asks herself "am I doing the right thing?" Now a month later, things haven't changed; my digestive system is screwed about every other day; we're no longer facebook friends (on my part); she gets all emotional over that, which I simply tell her "I can and cannot dignify that"; and lastly, I told her, once we're in a convenient financial position, independently, then that's it — we can't sustain friendship. It's foolish for me, as I STILL replay what went wrong, but it's really not worth my mental exhaustion. Our ex-lovers feel guilt, and they may hurt, but in this moment, what else do you REALLY have to lose? Nothing — you've got your mind and you're you. Go NC for good.

[Rearden Metal]

I have my own set of problems right now but I do know what you are going though. When I first got dumped a year of so ago I got a letter about how I was the best man ever, the man of her dreams, she just wasn't herself anymore, this was the toughest decision of her life, she knew she'd regret it, she loves me more than herself, she wishes we could be together, turn back the hands of time, freeze time, but we are too far gone. I was like wtf! I didn't understand. It sounded like she wanted to be with me, but I was getting dumped. Remember at all times that actions speak louder than words. If they wanted to be with you, they'd be with you.

 

So in your case he strung you along a bit but when you finally put his feet to the fire he told you it was over. He extinguished hope. At that point it was easier to extinguish hope and take the blame then to deal with the constant pressure of you while being placed in limbo. It was a drastic measure it it's typical when your ex has a new lover. They need to make space. They want you around but not if they can't create the physical and mental space they need to pursue a new relationship.

 

So, believe everyone when they tell you that NC is your only option. It's a win win situation. You heal and (although people don't like to say this on loveshack and you shouldn't focus on this either) you find out for sure whether it's truly over. You'll never know that if you don't go completely NC and refuse to break the silence until they come pounding down your door telling you they made a mistake and will do anything it takes to fix it.

 

So you are looking for a way to go NC. You don't want to be mean or give the wrong impression. Well not that you have your closure (he said there's no hope) you can do it one of two ways. You can just do it and say nothing. This is ok based on your last exchange. You don't owe him an explanation at this point. Somehow, though, I doubt you'll take this route. So option two is to write a letter...a BRIEF letter. Don't rehash everything, don't sound pathetic, don't try to guilt him, don't hold out hope or leave the door cracked and, personally, I wouldn't even tell him that I'm going NC except by inference. I might write as follows:

 

Dear X,

 

Until our last conversation I had held out hope that we might rekindle our love. It is now, however, painfully clear that things are over between us. While I respect your decision to end things, I am not willing to be friends under the circumstances. That decision would not be healthy. So I have decided to move on and make myself emotionally available to someone who can meet my needs. I wish you the best of luck in finding whatever happiness you seek.

 

Sincerely,

 

_________

 

That's it. Then go dark and never resurface. Hit the gym, buy some new clothes, get your girls to force you to go out and throw yourself in your work. It's so hard. 1 day seems like an eternity. 5 days seems like infinity especially if you had the kind of relationship where you communicated all day every day. Do not blink. One look back and you will turn to stone. If you break the silence you will reset the clock. Trust me. Research all the threads from all the people you talked themselves into breaking the silence only to be overcome with regret after they did not get the intended result.

 

And here's the hard part. Don't hope he tries to contact you. I did this. Even though I didn't respond I secretly hoped she'd contact me and when she did it felt good but when she didn't I felt empty and forgotten. Just go into it accepting the very real prospect that you'll never hear from them again and then accept the fact that if you do hear from them you won't hear what you want. They may just send you meaningless communication to see if you'll bite or to have their ego stroked by making you break your silence.

 

Best of luck.

 

Post of the Month.

[Rearden Metal]

Rearden Metal,

 

I must say, you're among one of the best LS 'advisers' from which I've read in my short time here.

 

My two-cents: Although we're all experiencing these similar 'hiccups' in our lives, no two situations are completely alike. However, RM and the many others before him are correct — unless this person is going to break it down, thus delivering for you a display of apology greater than Socrates himself could have ever given through spoken language, and openly admits he was wrong and wants to make it work, then it's not worth crippling your mind.

 

My ex has cried her eyes out over me deciding to go out for nights in the city, all Dapper-Dan (I'd let myself become that plain GAP t and jeans guy, like an off-duty Brad Pitt, and a hermit). She proclaimed that she didn't want things to be the way they were; she's told me that she does not want to tell me how she feels about me, because it would only increase my sense of gratification (face it, if she said 'gratification,' she then she loves/wants me in some way), and that everyday she cries and asks herself "am I doing the right thing?" Now a month later, things haven't changed; my digestive system is screwed about every other day; we're no longer facebook friends (on my part); she gets all emotional over that, which I simply tell her "I can and cannot dignify that"; and lastly, I told her, once we're in a convenient financial position, independently, then that's it — we can't sustain friendship. It's foolish for me, as I STILL replay what went wrong, but it's really not worth my mental exhaustion. Our ex-lovers feel guilt, and they may hurt, but in this moment, what else do you REALLY have to lose? Nothing — you've got your mind and you're you. Go NC for good.

 

Thanks for the props. I try to give good advice!

 

Our stories are similar because the motives for break-ups all share a common bond, I.E. THEY don't find US compatible anymore.

 

Personally, I know that my EX made a terrible mistake. I know that she sabotaged our relationship and gave up something way too good for her. I know this, having known I've done the same thing with my marriage (my recent ex was post-divorce).

 

But I also know there's nothing that can be done about it. Just have to accept that the choice has been made, and all the other stuff is static, fuzz, waste. When that's clear, it's time to COPE, and that means rebuilding the shattered parts of YOU scattered on the floor. One step at a time. One day of peace at a time.

 

Peace. That's the goal. Silence. Being at ease with yourself. Then you're ready for someone new.

[HopelessRomance]

I think I will just go NC without saying anything to him. I actually don't want to talk to him again, I don't feel like I am actually available to him anymore. That's a good thing right? I don't know, maybe it's just how I feel now and I will get over it, but I hope not. I know he will probably text me in a few days about something random, but right now I feel like if he did I would not be interested in having a conversation with him.

 

I feel pretty damn good about the fact that he said there isn't a chance. Obviously at first my heart sunk back to the bottom where it was when we broke up. But now I feel better because I don't have to deal with the uncertainty that I could do something to stop him wanting me back. Now I know that no matter what I do he won't, so I don't have to worry about that. I feel one step closer to moving on.

 

I just wish I wasn't worried about him. He isn't himself at all anymore. He used to have so much confidence, but since the break up he seems to have lost it all and not been happy at all. It seems to be in my nature to look after people no matter what they have done to me in the past. I find myself still wanting to offer advice to people I used to be friends with until they brutally stabbed me in the back.

 

But I have to do the coping thing now. I have to cry, I have to hurt, I have to miss him. I have to think about him so much that I get sick of it and realise that I'm tired of hurting and put it behind me. He is a big boy and he can take care of himself. I'm a big girl and I have to take care of myself.

[HopelessRomance]

Shoot me Relapse much? I slept with him last night. I am so beyond angry with myself it isn't funny. What the hell is wrong with me!!??

 

Last night after I got off work I had a message on my phone from him asking if we could have breakfast together this morning, I agreed thinking he obviously had something he wanted to discuss.

 

Around midnight I get a message from him saying he has locked himself out asking to come over. He finishes work at about 11.

At first when he got here we just sat on the couch and talked like normal. I kept saying I will sleep on the couch and he can have the bed but he said no he doesn't mind taking the couch. We talked for a couple of hours, just hanging out like normal. Then he layed down on my bed, it was pretty late. I lay down next to him thinking we would just talk, that's usually what we used to do. We did for a while but then the topic of spooning came up. It went down hill from there.

 

We were up until 5 in the morning. We cuddled all night, probably more than we used to. We had so much fun together this morning as well before he went to work. We flirted like crazy, it felt like he really missed me.

 

I really don't feel like he is messing with me. He is definately not that type of guy. Of course maybe he isn't what he seems but he is the nicest guy I know and has always had a lot of respect for girls. Then again I seem to have a sticker on my forehead that says 'Please use me' so I feel like I can't even blame him if he did.

 

If actions speak louder than words, then he is acting like he still wants to be with me. Is he confused? Or messing with me?

 

I'm still determined to do the NC thing. Even more than before I suppose. He is coming back sometime in the next few days. I will tell him it's obvious that if we see each other again we will just screw up again and Ill never get over him. We can't be friends because even after I get over him, if we meet up again we will probably relapse. So it's over. Unless he can convince me otherwise (get back with me and do the apology/promise thing).

[HopelessRomance]

We are talking in person tomorrow. I'm not sure whether he is going to take me back or whether it's all over. He does seem to be thinking about it though.

 

Any tips on how to handle this tomorrow?