Fiance v Best Friend.

[bigbum]

Right, where to start? My Fiance HATES my old best friend.

 

My Fiance and i met 2 years ago. I was in a mess at the start of our relationship because of stuff with my husband who i was splitting up from. My friend worried that he was just using me/taking advantage of me while i was vulnerable. I don't know why, i don't know if she miss heard something that was said? I don't think i'll ever know, but for some reason, she did not trust him and would not give him a chance.

 

This all came to a head one night in a nightclub and she was rude to him, said some nasty things and was generally just not very nice. She made him feel really small because she didn't know how nice he was to me and made him out to be a bad guy.

 

This is where the differences start to show with me and Fiance. I am Very forgiving. I try to see where people are coming from, how they feel, why they behave in certain ways and try to understand how that effets their behaviour. He is very black and white, she did wrong, was really horrible and hurt him, so that's it, end of story.

 

I know from talking to other friends that she was worried about me. I know she has odd ways of expressing herself, and she's not the most trusting of all people as she has been hurt herself, but i do honestly believe that she thought she was looing out for a mate in her own way. He say's she's a dried up, nasty, pathetic person who he doesn't want to know. He is not going to forgive her, no matter what her reasons were.

 

Anyway, this has now left us with something we can not get past and gets dragged up all the time and makes other problems worse. I miss having her as my best friend. I miss the relationship we had and the social life i used to have. I started to blank her, which was hard for me and took time, to try to show him that he was more important to me than a friend who was trying to split us up. He feels that the damage has already been done because i miss her and wanted her to still be in my life. He thinks i should have told her to get lost and to have never seen/contacted her again.

 

She has sent me texts over the last year saying sorry and she misses me and invited us both around. I know that is her way of saying she was wrong and wants to make up for it. I know he'll never want anything to do with her and he's said he's already hurt anyway because of wanting her in my life in the first place so i may as well do what makes me happy, but what the hell do i do??

 

If i start talking to her again, he'll tear himself up more because he hates her and can't forgive her. If i don't he'll feel guilty that i've lost friends because they all hang out together, so i'll lose contact with all my old friends. In either case, he'll still have the initial hurt.

I don't know what to do or say to him. I think we've both just got to the point where we feel we're banging our heads against a wall.

I don't know how we can get over this?

[Fouts]

I don't know why you can't be friends with her apart from him. Your s/o doesn't have to be pals with everyone in your life. Work it out.

[bigbum]

Thnx for reply.

I know they don't have to or want to be involved with each other, but he's upset cause he doesn't understand why i can't just tell her to get lost. He can't get his head around why i can't let her go even though she hurt him He's very cut and dry and unforgiving. I just feel i'm gonna upset him one way or another whatever i do.

[freestyle]

Here's a suggestion.........

 

Have your friend write a sincere apology to your fiance....she owes him that much, IMHO. She insulted his very character when you she made him out to be a bad guy. She got in his face.She judged him without getting to know him, which is grossly unfair.........

 

he probably felt like he'd been accused,put on trial, and found guilty...

 

.........without ever being given the chance to speak in his own defense:mad:

 

 

Bigbum, you said that you try to see where people are coming from.Are you seeing your fiance's point of view in this,understanding just how outraged he is (justifiably so )?

 

and I would venture to guess that in the back of his mind, though he probably wouldn't admit it, is the concern that you could be influenced by this friend who made it clear that she disapproved of him.

 

Her behavior was out of line, she insulted him, and caused him a huge amount of worry. So for him to see you still wanting to hang with her may very well feel like a slap in the face to him.It would probably leave him feeling like his feelings were being scoffed at.(invalidated)

 

 

 

You said she texted an apology to you---that's good, she owed you one for interfering in your R. But she owes one to your fiance doubly so.......

I don't see him ever moving past this without one.

 

 

Can you you try to see your fiance's position? Imagine if the tables had been turned............

 

What if one of his friends pulled you to the side, and attacked your character and integrity? Accused you of just using him? Gave you dirty looks when your fiance's looking the other way? Imagine the discomfort you would feel. And the outrage for being falsely accused.....it's a horrible, helpless feeling.

 

Wouldn't it put a knot in your stomach to see him laughing and joking with someone who had treated you so poorly? And on some level, wouldn't you be questioning his loyalty to you, if he continued that friendship? Especially if that friend never apologized to you personally?

 

Wouldn't you feel invalidated if you were asked to just "sweep it under the rug"? , and "move on..."?

 

 

Bigbum , I've been through a similar situation, so this hits close to home for me. One of my SO's friends was incredibly rude to me the very first time she met me, and it's caused nothing but tension and stress.

 

While I understand the awkward position it puts my SO into, I'm not the one to blame for creating the tension. ........yet I still feel like I'm being punished.And yes, I want her gone---out of the picture. it causes me no end of worry that my SO has someone yapping in his ear who has a strong dislike of me.(when I did nothing wrong!!!)

 

so, I really feel for your fiance....and you as well, your position sucks, too.

 

I'd also like to ask you to examine your friend's motives with a magnifying glass. she may have been simply trying to protect you, but there is the possibility that it was intentional sabotage...these things do happen. Only you can answer that, as I don't know your friend, I'm simply recommending that you look very closely at all her motivations for involving herself in your lovelife.

 

I wish you the best...............hope my post was helpful to you.

[bigbum]

Thank you freestyle.

 

Yes i can understand how he feels as we have talked extensively about this and his friend was equally worried about him and made it clear to me the first two times we met. He made me feel cheap and worthless and not good enough for my fiance.

 

This is where i'm having trouble. My fiance confronted him, he said sorry, end of story. I did cut her out for him because of what she did, but it took me a while, which upset him and that's what he cant get over, that i found it so difficult. I know it's no excuse, but i don't make "good" friends easily and it was killing me knowing i'd have to cut her out. But i did.

 

She has invited us both around to make up for it and he was included in the text apology, neither of which he will accept, which i understand, i'm fine with that, but i don't know what i can say to him to help him get over the hurt of me not telling her to get lost straight away.

 

As soon as i saw her at work after that night, i confronted her and she said she was just worried (he had bit of a reputation). He believes in karma, yet everything that happens to her is not enough. He wants her dead. This is soooo extreme to me, but i don't belittle anyones feelings even if different to mine. But to me, "sorry, i was wrong", "please forgive me", "mate, i really miss you" & "i'm glad everything worked out and you two are happy" is enough. Perhaps i'm too forgiving or desperate for friends, i don't know, but i honestly do understand why he's upset.

 

I've already come to terms with the fact that me and her will never be the same even if we do start speaking again and that one of my closest friends will not be allowed to my wedding. I know she's a stubborn mule and would not apologise even if her life depended on it, so she knows she was wrong, which kills me cause i miss her so much and she's realised she was wrong.

 

I just want to fix how i made him feel so we can move on, but i don't know how. We've sorted everything else inc my divorce etc, to me, this should be easier than some of the stuff we've been through. i just honestly don't know how to make him feel better. I've apologised, blanked her invites, not gone to other get togethers because i knew she'd be there. I don't know what else i can do??

[freestyle]

Gosh I wish I had a brilliant answer or a magic wand to make everything better for you.

 

 

But, the only solution I can see is for her to apologize to him. You said she won't "even if her life depended on it.".......

 

Maybe you could tell her, "well, our friendship depends on it."

 

She broke the cardinal rule of not intervening in a friend's love life. The only exception to that rule is when there is abuse happening, then, absolutely, step in, a remove a friend from harm's way.

 

How about writing her a heartfelt letter, explaining how much damage her actions did, and begging her to apologize to him, for the sake of your friendship?

[bigbum]

Sorry, i meant she doesn't normally apologise because she is so stubborn, so the fact she did is a big thing and meant a lot to me.

 

Even if she did write a litter, he'd just rip it up and chuck it away without reading it.

 

I know i can't have anything else to do with her and i'm working on not missing her, i just don't know how i can help him. I really love him and just want to mae him feel better. He say's he forgives me, but he obviously hasn't

[freestyle]

Actually, I was suggesting that you write a letter to her.....

 

It might take him a while to get past this, if you dragged your feet about cutting her off.

 

It does seem to me like you're putting your fiance first, as it should be, but unfortunately your hesitation did some damage.

 

As someone who's been in your fiance's shoes, I have to admit I still carry a lot of resentment about the way my SO's friend treated me--she never apologized........

 

but the bulk of my resentment is at my SO, for not dealing with it decisively. I was forced into a damned if I do, damned if I don't, situation.

 

In my case, she was rude to me when my SO's back was turned. She even trash-talked him, as well as being very condescending to me.

 

So I was left with, do I tell him, or not? "Cuz she certainly wasn't being a true friend to him (or me). There was every chance that I would look like the jealous gf, trying to break up their friendship.(when I did nothing wrong!!!)

 

So yes, I can understand how your fiance wants her out of your lives, that's exactly how I feel about my SO's friend.

 

Once that line is crossed.........there's no unringing that bell. Words are permanent.Once spoken out loud,they can't be unsaid.You can't put toothpaste back in the tube, once it's been squeezed out.

[Malenfant]

your friend's motivation for having a go at him was your well being. she was worried about you and thought he was treating you badly.

fair enough, she should have given him the benefit of the doubt, but true friends look out for each other, and i think thats what she was trying to do.

 

your BF on the other hand is only acting for himself. he's not willing to accept your friends apology. she is admitting she was wrong, but he wont meet her half way and understand she was doing it out of concern for you.

your BF also isnt concerned that this situation is making you unhappy, he's only bothered about the fact that she had a go at him, he's not trying to help this situation, he's not trying to help you, he's just thinking about himself.

 

if she is prepared to apologise and move on, then so should he, for your sake.

[bigbum]

I've only accepted her apology for what she did to me, as i have no right to accept on his behalf.

It now seems the best thing i can do is be at peace with my apology and wave farewell.

Leopards don't change their spots, but this one has to go against her nature and try to forget her past in order to save this relationship.

 

I just hope it does.

 

Thank you for your time and answers.

All the best x