Moving On: The Final Chapter

[DenverBachelor]

I've spent about six months on here and have met a lot of wonderful people. We've all had some amazing struggles -- there is something we all share in common that draws us here, right? We all believe in fighting the good fight -- fighting for love that doesn't die and for love that weathers the worst storms while enjoying the best springs.

 

I've gone through a lot of emotions in the past six months. Bewilderment leading to depression -- denial that lead to bargaining -- and in the end, as time went on there was a general anger towards her.

 

In my heart, I feel I've reached the final stage. I've just simply let go of everything. I've shelved the pictures, filed away the memories after countlessly replaying them and missing her -- or missing what we once had.

 

I can't say from here, the past or the future if there were words that could have saved it -- a general change in attitude on my or both our behalves. Believe me, I've run through all the scenarios. What if this instead of that? What if here instead of there? What if a little more passion instead of a little less? Or a moment when a little less was better than a little more. Should I have turned right at some point when I turned left? Should I have spoken up when I was enraged and left?

 

Too many questions with no answers just leads one forever chasing his or her own tail. We can go back and forth and, in our minds, go down a million different avenues wondering if there was some other path that would have kept it alive a little longer -- perhaps forever?

 

The simple fact of the matter for me is that I've learned a lot about myself and a lot about love. I've learned love is worth fighting for -- and it really is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. I learned I invested too much of my self-worth in another person. I learned I was a little to dependant on someone else when I should have always remained firm with my own values and life.

 

But really, I learned to compromise with another person. I learned that love takes work, and it takes a lot of commitment. I've learned that love is worth fighting for and that it wasn't my choice to end it. I remember putting my hand on her hand weeks before the end and asking for us both to be more tolerant towards one another. I felt myself becoming more mature and crossing a threshold in love where you really do care as much about someone else as you do yourself. I regret we couldn't both climb that part of the mountain together where we could see the sun again and then start back downhill towards new places.

 

I regret a lot of things, but I don't regret the entirety of the experience. I suffered a lot from lies and accusations -- the lies about trying to break into her apartment or stalking her. It was one of the most painful things I've had to go through in my entire life. To see that side of her and suddenly lose her family that was my own was torture. I asked God why? I couldn't understand being pushed into a hole where I was accused of so many things I never did -- and to have her family turn against me. I asked God again -- why? To go from North to center is one thing, but to go North to far South and to realize that we could never be friends again from all of it -- I honestly never wanted to lose her friendship.

 

I was best friends with her for seven years. We talked about everything together and we went through a lot together. I hated her for the accusations, but the core of me realized I loved her and always would. I told myself years ago that I'd do that for her and part of that realization was that time couldn't rob that love from my heart. I felt weak for just giving out that type of unconditional love -- but I realized that ... in the end ... friends, family, etc. -- we sometimes just do that for people. We realize we're only human, right?

 

So in this final stage, I feel the hatred being lifted. I feel an amazing sense of relief and a fresh wind blowing over me as I realize that it is alright to let go of the hatred and to embrace what I once promised her in my heart -- that I'd never let go of that unconditional love.

 

Time is in a new place and so am I, but I don't have to discount the past -- nor do I have to constantly relive it. I can smile, let go of the pain and tell myself, "I did my best. I loved her. I'm not perfect and I did try. I was striving to make it better with each day and to accept every little minuscule idiosyncrasy that she possessed. I can move forward in my life with that realization -- that I was tough enough to bare the worst that love turned to blackness has to offer and still say my heart is bigger than that. It is -- it doesn't make me superhuman. Believe me, I've suffered and I've hated and I've cursed and gone every which way under the sun. But, the important thing is that I rose above it all and said, "hey, it's only life kid, and sometimes life is going to deal you something unbelievable."

 

Sometimes life is just going to make you question what you're even doing living the daily grind and for what purpose? Money? Love? Sex? Drugs? Parties? They all get old except love. It is the only thing that keeps getting better -- if two people will give it the chance. That's life.

 

Good luck to everyone. We all have lived a slightly different song but the tune is pretty much the same. We've lost the greatest thing we'll ever lose in our life and it rattled our foundation and made us question the true meaning in life. But, in the end, it is always you that's walking, travelling and journeying to a new place. Wherever you are, there you are, right?

 

And one of my favourite quotes goes something like this --

 

Reputation is what others think of us but character is what angels know of us. I guess for me, it means that sometimes in life you will be put in a position where a lot of people hate you for something you never did -- but that's just reputation and not true character. Sometimes you will make big mistakes and have to learn some hard lessons -- but those lessons are there to teach you to avoid those mistakes in the future.

 

There is only so much to be learned in one place and then you find yourself in a foreign place learning so much more. Everything is foreign that isn't familiar, and things familiar too quickly become foreign. Back and forth, north and south, forwards and backwards -- this is life -- but eventually we'll find out that it was never a destination that made life what it is but the journey and constantly exploring new places, streets, cities and avenues.

 

Don't give up on love. Most people experience love -- but only a few can cultivate it for the long haul.

[Viscerality]

Very well said, I read the entire thing. I know exactly how you feel on so many accounts, as I'm sure many others do.

 

I wish you the best in life.

[Rearden Metal]

Bravo DB!

 

I can't WAIT to be able to say what you've just said.

 

I wish you the best. Drop in and say Hi once in a while.

[confused_pjl]

Thank you for this post. I've been feeling pretty crappy the past couple of days and this post made me feel a lot better. I am really looking forward to being at the place you are now.

 

Best of luck and thank you!

[thepulse27]

You really leaving?

You will be missed.

[just1guy]

Great post! Everything that I wanted to say, but can't, you've written well. Reading this gives me hope that there is an exit door to this long, dark hallway that I'm in.

 

Thanks!

[spriggig]

Thanks so much. This has been printed and is now stuck to my computer where I can read it every day!

[USMCHokie]

As always, eloquently written and straight from the heart. Thanks again, DB.