Miad's Princess Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 CCL I think deep down one of the reasons you are so accepting of his relationship with your sister, and why you wouldn't make him choose, is because you are scared of him choosing her. Okay he said you are not replaceable or removable...but if he feels this way then he would let her go. Since he has tried and can't shows she is neither replaceable or removable and he doesn't wish that you ask him too. Therefore I don't believe he is making you his priority in this relationship.
White Flower Posted April 5, 2010 Posted April 5, 2010 CCL - a week ago, and before reading this thread I would have been in complete agreement with CB (above). But, an article I read the other day stated, statistically (US survey), cheating occurs in over 80% of marriages by one partner and / or the other. The article finished by saying it was about time that people stopped looking at monogomy and faithfulness as the norm, as it most certainly wasn't the case in this day and age. Monogomy may be IDEAL - to fall in love with that one special person and be completely and utterly besotted by them for life - and the thought of cheating / open marriages almost repulsive to 'most', but websites like this show that sadly (in my opinion) it's about time we faced up to the fact this is old fashioned thinking and tried to figure out ways of dealing with it. Therefore I think CB is wrong. I think most of us live in the backward world and people like CCL are showing us the way forward with confidence, integrity and understanding that people can love more than one person, but whilst keeping their other half as their first priority. I know I would never, ever have the self-esteem or confidence to be in an open relationship, but am I (and others like me) just setting ourselves up for a 4/5 chance of cheating / being cheated upon and all the lies / emotional trauma that come with that? Imagine how much worse CCL would be feeling now if it wasn't only the lying she had to deal with, but having to accept the physical act too - at least there is a part she is able to come to terms with immediately. I salute you CCL and hope you start to feel better soon, no matter what the outcome. I do not think this leads to the desensitization of society at all; it is a very realistic approach to solving the problem of idealizing M which so often are troubled with As and Ds following. If we know it can (and probably will considering the odds) happen, then shouldn't we look at new and different approaches to partnership? How about a 10 year contract that is renewable every 5 or 10 years thereafter with minimal loss to either party in a no-fault equal partnership state? Every renewal date would be a sincere proclomation of love, and perhaps true love at that? Knowing this would be the norm, so many 'hard feelings' can be avoided.
Author crazycatlady Posted April 6, 2010 Author Posted April 6, 2010 CCL I think deep down one of the reasons you are so accepting of his relationship with your sister, and why you wouldn't make him choose, is because you are scared of him choosing her. Okay he said you are not replaceable or removable...but if he feels this way then he would let her go. Since he has tried and can't shows she is neither replaceable or removable and he doesn't wish that you ask him too. Therefore I don't believe he is making you his priority in this relationship. Oh definately not the case here. I am confident without a doubt in my mind that I am THE priority. I'm a lot more then that too. When I first found out, one of the reasons was fear that I didn't confront him immediately, especially given how he had been acting. But even that didn't last very long. I do not think this leads to the desensitization of society at all; it is a very realistic approach to solving the problem of idealizing M which so often are troubled with As and Ds following. If we know it can (and probably will considering the odds) happen, then shouldn't we look at new and different approaches to partnership? How about a 10 year contract that is renewable every 5 or 10 years thereafter with minimal loss to either party in a no-fault equal partnership state? Every renewal date would be a sincere proclomation of love, and perhaps true love at that? Knowing this would be the norm, so many 'hard feelings' can be avoided. I have some friends who were wed with the vow "as long as we both shall love" rather the usual "as long as we both shall live". Thought it was a beautiful idea. CCL
2sunny Posted April 6, 2010 Posted April 6, 2010 (edited) I think I caused that. When he was visiting home, both mine and his, when the physical affair started, I just KNEW it was happening. And when he got back I confronted him. Said he better not have slept with my sister because that's the one thing i couldn't deal with. Well, faced with that, heck yeah he lied. He lied hoping it would burn out quickly. He lied hoping I would never find out. He lied and was sick basically for the next year and some change. He had trouble keeping down food, he had trouble eating, if he ate it tended to go straight through him. I figured it was from his gall bladder being removed, but now that its out and in the open those issues have all vanished. I'm also settling down on the lying thing. Because no I couldn't have handled it then, I couldn't have handled confrentation when I found out. I needed the 6 months I had to deal with this in my own way. I understand that no one gets it but I think even if we had seperated over this we would have ended up back together. I just saved some steps. It had never occured to him that I would leave. And when I told him I was considering it, he was floored. He knew I would be upset, but since he loved me as much as always wanted me as much as always needed me as much as always, it never occured to him that I wouldn't deal with it as much as always. I liked that my thought of leaving floored him. It is important for him to know that. I think that was the selfishness on his part, thinking that loving each other was all that was needed in the end. And its probably right, but at the same time, he was shaken that I was looking at apartments and checking finances. In some ways, yes I am to blame because I've let the boundries be soft. And I'm ok with being part of the blame. Nothing is ever 100% Yep, agreed to open - it was a joint decision. He should have come to me way before on the poly thing. In fact I think for the longest time he's wanted to talk about it, but was afraid or didn't get it or something. it was from being here talking to someone here that was in a poly that helped me understand more about it. And the more I read the more I figured it was something we could do if handled correctly and it was something I could accept. I think it is something that I had to approach on my own though. I would have struggled hearing it come from him. Is that the best way to handle things? Probably not. I think he was relying on the whole "I love you, you love me, everything will come out in the wash as long as that is true". Especially since I'm not built that way. I don't mind the discussion, but every now and then I feel like I'm being grilled and/or judged which leads me to be snippy with my answers. I will say over the past week some things have happened that have really made me feel good about our relationship. He's starting to not take me for granted on his own, not because I'm demanding it. I'm feeling more comfortable approaching him about my own issues, something I've always struggled with in the past. I'm still irritated at sis. She will not talk to me (latest excuse, since i'm on the phone all day for work I don't like to talk on the phone) all done through fb. I think the fact that she isn't talking to me is showing H something. He tells me when they get in contact - one of the things I did ask for. Its done very causually so hopefully not something he will feel resentful about later on. But their contact is dwindling. I don't think she liked he told. Its been an interesting discussion and its helped me a lot to work through issues that I have. ccl YOU did NOT cause it. seems most of the problem is that your H is constantly thinking of himself. YOU can't make him think of others - YOU can only take care of yourself at this point. he wants it all. first he had an open M - then that wasn't enough. then he went for a gal that he knew would hurt you - your sister. what next? now is the time to take care of YOU! no one else is... especially not your H. decide what is best for YOU - and deliver that info to H - without it being an option for discussion. he left himself out of that equation when he got so greedy and slept with the person you said he couldn't. decide. decide knowing he will always choose more than what he knows he deserves... even at your expense. Edited April 6, 2010 by 2sunny
White Flower Posted April 6, 2010 Posted April 6, 2010 YOU did NOT cause it. seems most of the problem is that your H is constantly thinking of himself. YOU can't make him think of others - YOU can only take care of yourself at this point. he wants it all. first he had an open M - then that wasn't enough. then he went for a gal that he knew would hurt you - your sister. what next? now is the time to take care of YOU! no one else is... especially not your H. decide what is best for YOU - and deliver that info to H - without it being an option for discussion. he left himself out of that equation when he got so greedy and slept with the person you said he couldn't. decide. decide knowing he will always choose more than what he knows he deserves... even at your expense. You know, I have to agree with this. You did draw clear lines and he crossed them. I know he felt guilty and had to get drunk to confess it to you but I would make sure all involved especially him that this will not go unnoticed or undealt with. Ever.
Author crazycatlady Posted April 6, 2010 Author Posted April 6, 2010 YOU did NOT cause it. seems most of the problem is that your H is constantly thinking of himself. YOU can't make him think of others - YOU can only take care of yourself at this point. he wants it all. first he had an open M - then that wasn't enough. then he went for a gal that he knew would hurt you - your sister. what next? now is the time to take care of YOU! no one else is... especially not your H. decide what is best for YOU - and deliver that info to H - without it being an option for discussion. he left himself out of that equation when he got so greedy and slept with the person you said he couldn't. decide. decide knowing he will always choose more than what he knows he deserves... even at your expense. I do not believe that fault is 100%. I think if I had said it differently, perhaps he wouldn't have lied. I don't know. After july he said he knew he would have to come clean eventually. He was afraid. He did not go for the person who would hurt me. It happened it was not done on purpose. He just didn't think. Yes it was selfish. Very selfish. It was also very thoughtless. Two bad combinations at times. I however disagree that he's always going to choose what he wants at my expense. I have 13 years worth of evidence to the contrary. Its happened twice in 13 years. And honestly, the first time was harder to deal with then this time because I really was 50% in the wrong that time - and no cheating was not involved then - but its harder to admit your own faults sometimes. I think this was a very telling lesson for him. Just because I'm not throwing dishes screaming and yelling, or kicking him out or demanding the marriage be closed again, or insisting he remain emotionally mine and mine alone does not mean there have not been consequences for him to deal with and has been dealing with since this happened. And I am thinking very much about myself. More then I ever have in my life. Shoot, I'm even noticing a change in my children's behavior. Less arugments about chores, more cheerfulness when I ask them for help with something. I'm more at peace with myself. Calmer and more in control. I like having my needs met, my wants taken over his and theirs - this is all within moderation, I'm not going crazy with it lol. You know, I have to agree with this. You did draw clear lines and he crossed them. I know he felt guilty and had to get drunk to confess it to you but I would make sure all involved especially him that this will not go unnoticed or undealt with. Ever. The drunk thing....he made up his mind to tell but yeah he was afraid. And you know what, GOOD. He deserved to be afraid to tell me. He has something to fear, I was considering leaving, I was pricing apartments. But mainly he was afraid that I would hold him in contempt like he was feeling for himself. And that's more what lead to the drinking. He had no idea what was going to happen. And again I say GOOD. he needed to fear me then. I don't know what the end will be, but then no one knows what the end will be. All we ever have is what we see and feel. And right now, this is worth the risk of pain again. I don't think pain will happen, but I also know life is never smooth sailing and nothing worth having is easy. I do know however that beating my head against a brick wall is not how I'm going through the rest of my life. Some pain is good, all pain is not. CCL
jennie-jennie Posted April 6, 2010 Posted April 6, 2010 I have some friends who were wed with the vow "as long as we both shall love" rather the usual "as long as we both shall live". Thought it was a beautiful idea. CCL See that's a vow I approve of!
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