The Cheat of My Life

[Tsuguyoshi]

After holding suspicions for some time and finally prising information from her like a dentist extracting teeth, last night, my fiancee of 4 years admitted she had a one-night stand with her (now former) boss some 6 months ago and more recently, shared a kiss with him at a work function where they got busted. Last "incident" kind of funny because the boss threatened the girl who busted them that he would fire her but she made a complaint and he has now lost his job.

 

Anyways... she says it was a mistake and wants a second chance.

 

Not sure what to make it of it all at the moment as she has been lying to me over various aspects of their "relationship" for some time and her confession, went from one kiss, to two kisses, to I slept with him and then kissed him. So I am a little dubious...

 

I kind of feel weird with her still wearing her engagement ring and raised this with her. She begged for me to let her keep wearing it and at the end of the day it was a gift, so I didn't push the issue. It still bugs me a little though as I thought it was a symbol of our combined respect, commitment, love blah, blah, blah etc for one another which she clearly disregarded. So my query is... Is it reasonable or unreasonable for me to ask that she no longer wear her engagement ring until such time as we work through what our future holds? Any thoughts?

[JustJoe]

Dude, if you keep digging, you will probably find out that there is much more to this than what she has told you. She is slowly releasing the info, so as to not "put you over the edge", and break-up with her. You need to get your ring back and dump her, she is lying, cheating and disrespecting you, RIGHT NOW, and has done so for at least 6 months (that you know of).

[Skump]

Sorry my friend, but the first rule of applied economics is "ignore sunk costs."

 

Any guy or gal who would do something like this in the bloom of a relationship isn't marriage material. Move on.

 

She begged for me to let her keep wearing it and at the end of the day it was a gift, so I didn't push the issue.

 

Allow me to introduce you to the reason you're in this mess. Time to man up.

[ConflictedGuy27]

You need to be thanking your lucky stars that you found out what you know BEFORE you were married, my friend...

 

It's obvious that you should dump her and move on. Trust me, I personally realize that such advice is easier said than done. But please take my word for it - I'm in the process of discharging my wife of 3 years (we were together a total of 9 years). She cheated on me too, and in a rather unremorseful fashion.

 

You deserve all the pain that you'll inevitably receive if you take her back. It may not be next week, next month or even for a few years, but countless people here at LS can tell you from experience where you're heading if you take her back, buddy.

 

1. Get your ring back;

2. Tell her, her cheating is unacceptable and you two are done;

3. Move her out (if you're living together) and/or move on; &

4. Maintain zero contact with her.

 

Just my two cents. Good luck.

[MadMission]

T,

 

There were promises attatched to that ring...much the way vows are attached to wedding bands.

In both cases, breaking the promises/vows renders the engagement/marriage null and void.

 

In my opinion, when a partner breaks those promises by not remaining exclusive with their partner, the rings themselves become meaningless...because everything they symbolize is gone.

 

The ring is a lie. And her continuing to wear it makes a mockery of your engagement and relationship.

 

Red flag: She may be more in love with 'being engaged'...'getting married'...and that ring, than she is with YOU.

 

BTW, the A with her boss isn't over.

If she is serious about her committment to you, she will quit that job and sever all contact with him. If she does not, their A will likely continue on an emotional level at the very least...with flirting and sexual tension between them... kisses...at the very least.

 

If she is unwilling to quit that job, get out of the relationship.

It will be nothing but heartache and pain.

 

If she is willing to quit, I would still ask her to not wear the ring until you both feel its meaning has been restored.

If she does not comply, get out of the relationship.

 

If she is unwilling to take that ring off...then she is way to comfortable with being fake and lying...is more worried about appearances and image...is minimizing her betrayal...and she is unwilling to 'own' it....again, get out of the relationship.

 

If she quits her job and takes the ring off, you can begin to try to restore the relationship...if that is what you want.

But, trust is a very hard thing to restore and will likely always be an issue which troubles YOU as long as you are with her.

 

If I were you...no marriage...no kids...I would end the relationship.

There are GOOD women out there who wouldn't dream of ever hurting you like that and who have love, care, loyalty and respect to offer.

[revelations]

Please Run,

Well let me put it to you another way.

She cheated on you and you are not married. This is a very bad sign.

She might not ever cheat again on you, however only one way to be sure of this. Stay away from her, leave her. Usually (not always) they will cheat again. Do not put yourself through the torment of always wondering what happened that night. Was he bigger? Was he better? When we make love is it him she is thinking of? Did she do stuff for him "I.E. anal, BJ, etc." that she will not do for me?

Also ask yourself what has she done to comfort me? What has she done to try and make amends? Has she shown remorse?

You might want to ask her How would you feel if I cheated? What would I be able to do to make you feel secure? How would I be able to show you that I will be faithful?

Chances are anyone of these questions will be difficult for her to answer. She may seem like a great gal except for this small thing of playing hide the sausage with another guy, however will this be the last sausage she has to slide into herself?

So to make a long story into a short point.

Run far, Run fast, Run like mexican water through a first time tourist, but the key word here is RUN.

[mark982]

run, run,run. what are you going to do when this happens again, and you have a couple kids,house etc. you'll be paying through the nose for cheating, while banging your head off the wall asking yourself why you didn't run the first time. and take that darn ring off her finger, she's lost all rights to wear it.

[Woggle]

Get out now. Be glad that she showed you her true colors before you married her. You can now get out easily and move on with your life and I don't know what the laws but if you can legally get the ring back do so and then sell it.

[jmargel]

The the ring issue, if it was given to her say at xmas time or her birthday then legally it is hers no matter what happens. It was a gift.

 

If you gave it to her without it being a gift then legally she has to return it to you.

 

No one here should be telling you to either stay or leave her. What people on here should be doing is giving you advice on how to approach this situation the best way possible. The only person to decide on what to do w/ her is you.

 

Yes, without trust the foundation of the relationship is gone. Can it be rebuilt? Sure. Providing both parties are willing to put the work and commitment into it. You personally will be on a roller coaster ride, one day having good feelings about her, the next having bad feelings. There will be triggers, such as watching a tv show where someone might be cheating and it will just set you into a bad mood and start resenting her and what she has done to you.

 

The next couple of months are going to be very difficult so with that I highly suggest you two seek marriage counseling. Not for the purpose of getting back with her but to communicate this out in the best possible way. You two can't solve this issue by yourselves.

[lostsunsets]

Don't marry her. If you don't want the ring, tell her to take it off an put it around her neck. Or better yet, tell her to stuff it. She didn't volunteer this info, you made her tell you. She boffed this guy 6 months ago, and then kissed him recently. Does this sound like she respects your love? Dump her and consider yourself lucky.

[Rearden Metal]

Gotta go with the majority here. Cheating is the worst thing a SO can do. The worst. If you can live with THAT, well then by all means marry the cheating whore.

[bentnotbroken]

Run............. Forrest.............. Run:eek:Seriously, do you think you will be able to trust what she says to you? Do you feel as if this relationship is built on trust and honesty? If not, you know..................

[Disintegration]

If I were in your position I would get the engagement ring back, and leave her. She cheated on you and wants to still wear the ring? That is nonsense. She broke your trust and now she wants to pretend as if nothing happened. Be glad you found out now before you actually commited yourself to her during marriage. If she can be unfaithful to you now just imagine what could happen after you marry.

[Jeff1962]

Do as you will. I'd get out now, screw the 4 years together. Let her keep the ring and her former boss. Tell her exactly how her affair has made you feel about her, then leave her.

 

Or stay with her and always wonder who her current bang is. Your choice.

[ConflictedGuy27]

I gave my two cents a bit earlier and most of us seem to be echoing simalar sentiments, so I won't say what's been repeated.

 

Instead, I wish you the best of luck managing your emotions and your behavior as you ride that emotional roller coaster. What was said earlier is true, these decesions are yours alone to make and live with. Whichever path you take, both are processes and your going to feel all sorts of BS feelings associated with either staying or going.

 

Obviously I'm with the consensus on this one cause I've been where u are and I took a super remorseful cheater back and the situation was all good until about 5 years, a marriage, more assets and a condo later. You never know what WILL happen, but rest assured what is likely to occur.

 

Quite frankly, no one could have convinced me that keeping my girl that first time was the wrong answer. Frankly, I was hard headed and needed to experience the lesson to truly get it; but that's just knucklehead me. Lol. If you do stay, I to vote for premarital counseling, that may increase the odds of this not happening in the future; it probably won't hurt your odds for success either. I wish my STBX and I did premarital counseling.

 

Again, I wish you the best of luck in your choices.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I think you should just get your ring back and end everything.

 

If she'll cheat before the wedding, she'll cheat during the marriage.

 

Why should she get a second chance??? When she knew cheating would end the relationship. and she lied about it on top of that.

 

I'd put a hold on the marriage thing. indefinitely. How do you feel about her now?

[califnan]

I agree with most of the other posters.. And again, don't let her tell you the ring was a gift .. It was a symbol of the committment .. You should have the ring back ..

[Sparta8]

At age 26 three decades ago I was engaged to a woman for two years after dating for 3 years. She was very eager to get married. I was very hesitant, not really knowing if she was the right one or if I was ready to be married yet.

 

I had an affair and called off the engagement a few weeks after the affair began.

 

Months later my ex-fiancee begged me to renew our relationship, but I declined.

 

I have no doubt she would have married me if I had asked, affair or no affair. If we had married, I believe the likelihood of my having an affair would have been very high. I was not mature enough to be married, and I apparently did not love her enough to marry her.

 

3 years later I married another woman. She had a physical affair 7 years later and an emotional/almost physical affair 17 years after that (2 years ago).

 

I never had an affair since I married. I was mature enough to commit and in love enough with my wife to commit.

 

Had my wife had an affair before we were married, I would not have hesitated to leave her. Discovering the affairs 2 years ago nearly led to a divorce, but we have struggled through it and the marriage is stronger than it was. But the pain was indescribable.

 

You do not want to go through the pain of her having another affair after you are married. And I believe the likelihood of that happening is very high.

[Dexter Morgan]

Any thoughts?

 

yes, cancel the wedding, or you WILL regret it.

 

if she can cheat while she is wearing your engagement ring this early in your relationship, what do you think will happen when you've been the same guy she has been with for too awful long?

 

if they can cheat in the early stages, then watch out for that 7 year itch.

 

lose her and move on.

[seibert253]

Your not even married yet and she' pulling this crap. If you marry her, later on down the road what's to keep her from thinking, "I gotta away with it before, I can do it again". Dude, she needs to go. Let her keep the F#ckin ring.

Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.

 

Run Forest, Run.

[hopesndreams]

Get the ring back. Physically hold her down if need be, remove it and send her on her way.

 

The nerve of some people. If she genuinely cared, she would have given the ring back to you and then made amends. You are willing to forgive her but she flaunts the wearing of the ring as if it actually means something. Only in her twisted mind does it mean anything and it's all for show really.

[on1wheel]

How old R U 2? You sound young in the story. Anyway, I have not seen you re-post after EVERYONE said "run forest run" in one way or another.

These are the facts:

• She cheated @ least twice that U know of

• She did not confess; still hasn't fully I don't think

• She did not overly remorseful in the story

• The ring IS NOT a gift; it is a symbol of her total commitment to U...well we all how she views that.

When my fiancè cheated on me I INSISTED she give it back, as I worked VERY hard to raise the money for it & it was only ever supposed to touch my D*ck!!!

Now let me give you a glimpse into your future my friend via LS.....I ended up finally getting over what my finacè did years later & married a different woman. I tried to find a woman that was the opposite of my fiancèj turns out A LOT of women have no moral compass to guide them.

So I'm now married 3yrs & have a baby when I start to think she's maybe having an affair. Anyone that's gone through it knows the signs. Anyway, she denies it (as did ur fiancè) get all offended & angry @ the accusation...bla, bla, bla...turns out I was right I am sad to say. It was with a co-worker (just like yours) & it broke my heart & has left a emptiness in my soul.

So I was gonna leave just like I did with the fiancè (had gotten the engagement ring back already BTW). But then I looked @ my innocent baby who relies on me to provide her with a safe & happy home. Then I remembered the promise I made when she drew her 1st breath to do ANYTHING in my power to protect her from harm...any harm. So how can I both protect me from her cheating again & protect my baby from the pain of a life filled with sadness attached to being from a broken home?

Simple answer...I couldn't do both. One of us was gonna be F*cked for the rest of our lives!!! So I did what I had to do & stayed with a wife that had betrayed me in many horrible ways. So long story short:

•let me start by saying I'm trying to help this poster, so if U don't agree with me staying for my daughters sake then keep your opinion to yourself please...if you're not a parent of a baby then you won't understand.

•while she has done everything possible to try & make it up to me & is a perfect wife now.......

•I suffer EVERYDAY over the details of the affair

•I wonder EVERYDAY which wife I am going to have come the end of the day

•when we watch movies or shows about cheating I am horribly sad

•when she says she loves me sometimes I think "how can you know...you said that when we exchanged vows, then you volountarily gave yourself to another man while still professing your love for me"

•I wonder whenever she's out of my sight "Oh God, I hope she's not doing anything she shouldn't be"

•sometimes when I look @ her I just want to scream "how could you have doen it, you're a monster, you ruined my life, I could be with a woman that truly loves me & would never cheat...I deserved better...our daughter deserved better"

•I sometimes feel as if I'll NEVER get MY life back

I could go on, but these are my problems, my demons; not yours to carry.you know when they take thoses wayward youths to the prison to have the hardened life sentance convicts to scare them straight?

Well that's what I'm trying to do for you. Giving you a glimpse into my pain filled world to try & get you to avoid your own. I had a house, tons of possessions, loan, but most importantly I had a baby to protect. I couldn't make the choice I needed to in order to protect myself...you can.

You need to tell her that what she's done in unforgiveable, take back your symbol of love (the ring), wish her well with her X-boss & go find yourself a woman with morals. I promise U will be happier. If you don't, then I'm afraid we'll all see you posting here again someday about your wife's affair. I hope not.

[Space Ritual]

After holding suspicions for some time and finally prising information from her like a dentist extracting teeth, last night, my fiancee of 4 years admitted she had a one-night stand with her (now former) boss some 6 months ago and more recently, shared a kiss with him at a work function where they got busted. Last "incident" kind of funny because the boss threatened the girl who busted them that he would fire her but she made a complaint and he has now lost his job.

 

Anyways... she says it was a mistake and wants a second chance.

 

Not sure what to make it of it all at the moment as she has been lying to me over various aspects of their "relationship" for some time and her confession, went from one kiss, to two kisses, to I slept with him and then kissed him. So I am a little dubious...

 

I kind of feel weird with her still wearing her engagement ring and raised this with her. She begged for me to let her keep wearing it and at the end of the day it was a gift, so I didn't push the issue. It still bugs me a little though as I thought it was a symbol of our combined respect, commitment, love blah, blah, blah etc for one another which she clearly disregarded. So my query is... Is it reasonable or unreasonable for me to ask that she no longer wear her engagement ring until such time as we work through what our future holds? Any thoughts?

 

 

She is trickle truthing you like a waterboarder.

 

Get your ring back and kick this skank to the curb.

she is not worth one more ounce of your affection, attention, or money. She is only worried about that ring and how much money its worth.

[ConflictedGuy27]

Two questions:

 

1. Did she ever lie to you? YES

 

2. Did she ever cheat on you? YES

 

Ok, so she's a liar and a cheater. You know this to be absolutely true. Now, say this statement out loud:

 

I AM GOING TO MARRY A WOMAN WHO IS A LIAR AND A CHEATER.

 

How's that sound to you? Think you're off to a good start? Think everything will work out?

 

If that doesn't say it all, nothing will...

Well put.

[Darth Vader]

yes, cancel the wedding, or you WILL regret it.

 

if she can cheat while she is wearing your engagement ring this early in your relationship, what do you think will happen when you've been the same guy she has been with for too awful long?

 

if they can cheat in the early stages, then watch out for that 7 year itch.

 

lose her and move on.

 

 

I gotta agree with Dex, Come on Man! She lied to you about banging her boss, lied to cover it all up, but she wants to continue to humiliate and disrespect you and puts you at risk for STD's and she wants you to let her wear that ring that she wore while having sex with OM? You had better get away from this woman and quick, don't forget to get the ring and get your money back!