dcm202 Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 Hello everyone, I need some help in dealing with a friend who's husband is, what I believe to be a serial cheater. Let me give a little background first. They're both in their mid to late forties. Married 29 years. They have children and grandchildren. He is a first generation American from a traditional home where in their culture infidelity is accepted and basically the more women you have the more of a man you are. Typical "macho man". There is physical abuse in the past, though she claims not for twenty years. Emotional abuse as well. He's constantly asking her if she's been cheating, accusing her, etc... Makes her show receipts to prove where she's been. At least twice in the past he's admitted that she "Almost lost him to another woman", one even showed up at their house. He always claims there was no sex, cries, tells her how much he loves her, and promises to be a better man. It's a cycle that repeats over and over. I'm not sure if he's always done this; but for the last six months or so he's been bragging about how different women he meets through work or whatever are always offering him this and that sexual service, etc... She told me he'd been having trouble with erections. So last week he says to her again how she almost lost him to another woman. One of the ones he bragged to her about. Same song and dance as before; crying, I only want you, better man blah blah. Now magically his ED issues are gone...Hmmmm I think he's full of it! I believe he cheats on her a lot, emotionally and physically. I think he's telling these other women he's single. I think that when he's confessed to her it's because they found out he was married and threatened to expose him. Every time he does this she forgives him and tells him "one more chance". The cycle now starts over. Just today she was telling me how she believes he's never had sex with another woman, he really loves her and is trying.. But her voice and body language say she is trying to convince herself of that. I just typed a whole lot to ask this simple question: How can I help her see that he is deceiving her and just using her to clean, cook and serve him? It's so painful to watch someone I care about go through this. I see the pain she's in and it's hard.
norajane Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 After this many years of the same cycle, she probably already knows the truth deep down, but isn't willing to face it. She may be afraid of what admitting it to herself would mean...she'd have to make big changes in her life, and she may be afraid to do that. I don't know that you can push her into seeing what she probably already sees. It may be just that you have to hold her hand through it.
NoIDidn't Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 Sounds like she already knows. I don't think you can show her. She has to accept what she already knows.
ConflictedGuy27 Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 It takes two to tango my friend, and although the dance you see before is rather unhealthy and risky (if your facts are on point), it's their dance. She knows what she has and she still continues to hang onto it. If I were you, I'd ask her not to bring up her M anymore. You've already advised her - you've done your part. Nothing more to talk about in that regard. Either get a new friend, or if you value the friendship, cease discussing a useless topic - I.e. Her M.
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