spookie Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 Lying in the dark, naked: "Am I your girlfriend?" He looks over. "Do you want to be?" "Yes." "I think it's going great. You ain't got nothin to worry about, Spookie. I'm not seeing anyone else," he says, scooping me into a hug. It took so much guts for me to ask that first question, that I left it at that. But today, I think he dodged the question. I like this guy so much, and it IS going well... except that I can't seem to be able to relax and enjoy any of it. All I feel is anxiety. The better it goes, the more I have to lose, the more anxious I feel.... I don't want to be keep being alone. Not that I'm not ok with that (I purposely avoided dating for 2+ years until I met this guy, and I was perfectly happy) but having a relationship is one of my goals. I want that much out of life. But I hate how this makes me feel. The further in we get, the more of a trainwreck I am becoming! I was dead-set on ending it this morning, having convinced myself he wasn't looking for a relationship, until my friends were like, "WTF? You're exclusive, aren't you?" (We are.) "What more do you want?"
ADF Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 What happened is that for this guy--like for many guys--having a GF is probably not his number 1 choice. Having a FWB is probably his number 1 choice. If he can keep your relationship at FWB, he likely will.
Author spookie Posted March 23, 2010 Author Posted March 23, 2010 What happened is that for this guy--like for many guys--having a GF is probably not his number 1 choice. Having a FWB is probably his number 1 choice. If he can keep your relationship at FWB, he likely will. We are exclusive and I know for a fact he's not seeing anyone else. He has reassured me of that on many occasions, and I have spent every weekend with him since we met - not to mention that he texts or calls me almost every day I don't see him. How is that FWB?
ADF Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 Don't misunderstand me. You may well be exclusive, and I not suggesting he's seeing anyone else right now. What I am saying is his half-hearted reaction to your question rings familiar. He is happy with things they way they are, and would rather not make any commitments unless he has to. Most guys--especially younger guys--are like that.
Rearden Metal Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 Wait, how long have you been seeing each other?
Author spookie Posted March 23, 2010 Author Posted March 23, 2010 Ok, I'm just going to make a freaking pro-con list of "Are we in, or headed towards, a relationship?" Pros: -I have met his friends, family, and he invites me everywhere fun that he goes -he texts/ calls me daily, if only to say that he's thinking of me -he is very affectionate -he has said he's not interested in seeing other people Cons: -the way he talks about the state of being single implies he still considers himself in that category -he has stated he does not want to get married "anytime soon" (which is fine by me, as long as that doesn't translate to serious relationships) -he ended it with his previous gf of 4ish years because they weren't happy but also because (as I found out from their mutual friends) she wanted to be more serious, and he wasn't ready -all the compliments I receive from him involve either my appearance or how much fun he is having/ has had with me I honestly was fine with taking it slowly/ seeing where it went in the beginning, but we are past the 3 month mark, and I, for one, feel like I know him pretty well now to know that I would like a relationship. What does it sound like he wants? Is it too soon to question him about this, given that he just got out of a serious R? Should I give it more time, or would I be wasting MY time, and potentially investing in someone who will never commit to me?
Author spookie Posted March 23, 2010 Author Posted March 23, 2010 Wait, how long have you been seeing each other? 3 months. ..........
Author spookie Posted March 23, 2010 Author Posted March 23, 2010 I've never been in a relationship that both parties considered serious before. Neither have I ever been in a relationship that both parties considered to be happy and good. The only LTR experience I have, began when I was 18, and ended when I was barely 21. I know that the beginning of relationship felt much more natural, and I had a great amount of trust for the guy from the very beginning, which I just don't have now. But I don't know if the differences in how I am feeling (happy vs. anxious) are due to how trusting I was back then, due to my relative youth and inexperience, or due to the fact that something is amiss in this situation.
txsilkysmoothe Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 It sounds like half a relationship - the half, or parts, that he wants. "Am I your girlfriend," is not a difficult question to answer unless the answer is "no." You're concerned because your emotions are involved and his appear not to be. I think you are right in that regard. I believe you are the only one he is seeing but he is not "all in or invested," you can feel it, and his reassurance or partial commitment is not enough because of the level of your investment/feelings. If you can't live with the uncertainty, press for an answer to your question, then act accordingly. Sorry for what you are going through.
ADF Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 Spookie, you need to understand something. For many men--I want to say most men--havbing a GF is not the best of all possible worlds. Having a FWB is the best of all possible worlds. In a FWB relationship, a guy gets all the benefits if having a GF, but with no strings--it is the ultimate win/win situation for him. Many guys will go for FWB if they can get it, and settle for having a GF if they can't. I have no idea if your guy is like the men I just described. It sounds like you're not sure either. The one thing you don't want to do is enter into a FWB in the hopes it will grow into something more. It won't. In most cases, the man won't let it, because with FWB, he's already getting everything he wants--for free! Have a talk with your guy about what his expectations are.
Author spookie Posted March 23, 2010 Author Posted March 23, 2010 (edited) I just feel like I want MORE. I want to be able to open up about how I feel, and what I want out of life. I want to feel like he would be there to support me (something I am more than willing to offer in return). But we are not really progressing on any of those emotional intimacy fronts. All we do is have fun together. TBH, I'm not even all that into having fun. But on the other hand... we DO have fun. And he makes me laugh, and he is cute, smart, affectionate, reliable, considerate. Perhaps I need to chill and appreciate this for what it is? Instead of yearning for some unattainable "more"? Perhaps the "more" comes with time? Edited March 23, 2010 by spookie
ADF Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 Perhaps I need to chill and appreciate this for what it is? Instead of yearning for some unattainable "more"? Perhaps the "more" comes with time? No, it won't. Read what I wrote about men and FWB relationships. Once you enter into a FWB with a man, it won't grow into more. Almost never. He won't let it. In fact, if you decide you want more and press him about it, he will probably just dump you and find a new FWB. Look, I don't know this guy. But what you've said so far sounds sketchy to me. You have every right to want a real relationship. Don't settle for what you can get.
mammax3 Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 Hi spookie, sorry this is such a difficult time. Good for you for putting the q out there! It seems a little manipulative that he asked if you wanted to be and then didn't follow up with a positive. but maybe he's just as unsure and anxious too?
Author spookie Posted March 23, 2010 Author Posted March 23, 2010 I think that I am just going to end it. =( I really do like this guy, and I'm going to miss him, and it's going to hurt, but it will only hurt more if I drag this out. In my gut I know where I stand. He is interested in going out with me, and having fun with me, and sleeping with me, and, to a lesser extent, in the arm-candy aspect of it all, because I know I am HIS 10. But I don't think he's genuinely interested. Maybe it's me, maybe he has no intention of getting interested in anyone. I don't know, I don't care, and I don't plan to stick around to find out. I've been in this situation before. Not just once, and not on just one end. I know how it feels at each stage. This is the good stage, the one, if I stick around till the end, that I will keep thinking back to, wondering what I did wrong.
burning 4 revenge Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 I just feel like I want MORE. I want to be able to open up about how I feel, and what I want out of life. I want to feel like he would be there to support me (something I am more than willing to offer in return). But we are not really progressing on any of those emotional intimacy fronts. All we do is have fun together. TBH, I'm not even all that into having fun. But on the other hand... we DO have fun. And he makes me laugh, and he is cute, smart, affectionate, reliable, considerate. Perhaps I need to chill and appreciate this for what it is? Instead of yearning for some unattainable "more"? Perhaps the "more" comes with time?Is squirting involved in any of this fun?
Author spookie Posted March 23, 2010 Author Posted March 23, 2010 No, it won't. Read what I wrote about men and FWB relationships. Once you enter into a FWB with a man, it won't grow into more. Almost never. He won't let it. In fact, if you decide you want more and press him about it, he will probably just dump you and find a new FWB. Look, I don't know this guy. But what you've said so far sounds sketchy to me. You have every right to want a real relationship. Don't settle for what you can get. I don't plan to settle. I am just not sure that he DOESN'T want an R, that this is, in fact, FWB, as opposed to "dating". The times I've brought up feeling insecure before, he's reassured me he's not "jerking me around," whatever that means, and has even suggested we lay off the sex.
xpaperxcutx Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 I think that I am just going to end it. =( I really do like this guy, and I'm going to miss him, and it's going to hurt, but it will only hurt more if I drag this out. In my gut I know where I stand. He is interested in going out with me, and having fun with me, and sleeping with me, and, to a lesser extent, in the arm-candy aspect of it all, because I know I am HIS 10. But I don't think he's genuinely interested. Maybe it's me, maybe he has no intention of getting interested in anyone. I don't know, I don't care, and I don't plan to stick around to find out. I've been in this situation before. Not just once, and not on just one end. I know how it feels at each stage. This is the good stage, the one, if I stick around till the end, that I will keep thinking back to, wondering what I did wrong. Trust your instincts. I'm sorry this is happening to you and considering 3 months is a lot to invest in especially if you're looking for an LTR. I truly do think he's being sketching about where the both of you stand. I mean if he had wanted you to be his gf, it wouldn't take you asking him. He would have done so accordingly because he wanted to.
xpaperxcutx Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 I don't plan to settle. I am just not sure that he DOESN'T want an R, that this is, in fact, FWB, as opposed to "dating". The times I've brought up feeling insecure before, he's reassured me he's not "jerking me around," whatever that means, and has even suggested we lay off the sex. Well look at it this way, he broke up with his ex because she wanted to be serious. Would you consider yourself a rebound? He's not " jerking you around" especially since he's already with you for 3 months, but he's not at the level where he truly feels like he can " commit" to you. Sure he's not seeing anyone else now, but then again, he doesn't see himself as wanting to settle down into a " relationship". The key word is ' relationship'. What you want is a definite interpretation of what you mean to him. What he wants is the " no hassle" of things now.
sumdude Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 I'm going to buck the trend. For all you know he's waiting to see if you bail first. Three months is not a long time. Actually the fact that you two are exclusive at this point is a good sign. Live in the moment and watch and wait for a while longer. Putting pressure on things right now might not be the best plan. There's nothing wrong with a slow but steady progression. Too much pressure can suck the fun out of it all.
craw Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 -he has stated he does not want to get married "anytime soon" (which is fine by me, as long as that doesn't translate to serious relationships) so that means a FWB. Cause if you're not in a serious relationship... it would be casual. -he ended it with his previous gf of 4ish years because they weren't happy but also because (as I found out from their mutual friends) she wanted to be more serious, and he wasn't ready Here is your red flag.
tami-chan Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 So have THAT talk...but understand, that it could mean the end of your relationship. Be prepared to up and leave. Do not have the talk and then settle for what he wants if it is not what you want.
Author spookie Posted March 23, 2010 Author Posted March 23, 2010 i thought i was having that talk with him yesterday, but he managed to simultaneously appease me and dodge the question. tellingly, he has not contacted me yet tonight. a couple of minutes ago, i broke down and asked if i could sleep over, telling him i flet like a train wreck and didnt want to be alone to night, to no response. i have a feeling i wont need to have the talk with him. i have a feeling hes a good enough guy to put me out of my misery before i start accusing him of things. i know i deserve better than this, and i know there were signs all along that indicated i should have seen this coming, but honestly, i did not think it would hurt like this. he is so wrong for me in so many ways, but its the little eccentricities and pecularities, as usual, i fell for. how do i convince myself i wont miss the gap in his teeth, the way he smiles
tami-chan Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 i thought i was having that talk with him yesterday, but he managed to simultaneously appease me and dodge the question. tellingly, he has not contacted me yet tonight. a couple of minutes ago, i broke down and asked if i could sleep over, telling him i flet like a train wreck and didnt want to be alone to night, to no response. i have a feeling i wont need to have the talk with him. i have a feeling hes a good enough guy to put me out of my misery before i start accusing him of things. i know i deserve better than this, and i know there were signs all along that indicated i should have seen this coming, but honestly, i did not think it would hurt like this. he is so wrong for me in so many ways, but its the little eccentricities and pecularities, as usual, i fell for. how do i convince myself i wont miss the gap in his teeth, the way he smiles By telling yourself, that really , he needs a better dental plan!
Author spookie Posted March 23, 2010 Author Posted March 23, 2010 its not nice to use the qualities you have accepted about someone against them, but i will just keep reminding myself that he is self-absorbed, immature, a cheater, an alcoholic, a homophobe, and has repeated the same stories about his poop dollar frat boy days to me ad infinum already. at least twice per weekend. someone, please tell me i dodged a bullet.
xpaperxcutx Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 its not nice to use the qualities you have accepted about someone against them, but i will just keep reminding myself that he is self-absorbed, immature, a cheater, an alcoholic, a homophobe, and has repeated the same stories about his poop dollar frat boy days to me ad infinum already. at least twice per weekend. someone, please tell me i dodged a bullet. You'd dodged a bullet. Once again I'm sorry about things. You need to delete his number and not text him in a moment of weakness.
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