colosseum Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 How successful can a friends-with-benefits arrangement really be? Usually it's not explicit, but this one is: explicitly, "Hey, want to be friends with benefits?" As in, if someone asks, each person is single. I'm kinda torn, because I like this girl but that's the arrangement she wants, and yeah I'm certainly okay with the benefits but I don't know if I should feel like a fool for being "used" if you will...to the extent that a male can legitimately feel that way...
boogieboy Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 You dont want a FWB arrangement, you want a gf. I think youre reacting to the blow to your ego because she is basically telling you that youre not good enough for a relationship. If youre taking it that way, then you dont want this arrangement. Are you able to find a girl that will actually take you seriously, or is this girl the only option you have?
DolceVenganza Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 Honestly, it really depends on the 2 people. I would say for the little good it might afford (casual, dependable sex), there's alot more bad. It really isn't an FWB situation, regardless of what people say. If you're committed to each other as FWBS, both have to committ to NOT sleeping around, which defeats the purpose of being FWBs. If you're not committed, and either one or both will sleep around, then you introduce alot of danger through disease and eventual hurt feelings. Moreover, you introduce the possibility of conflict with a future relationship. It waters down what sex means to 2 people... It may turn off future partners... What if you knock her up? She or you won't committ, but you will bang each other, something as meaningful as committment? What about diseases and contact with other people? Do you break it off if you begin dating other women and want to engage physically? To me, if a person accepts an FWB situation they are accepting themselves also as a low-value candidate and partner. They are willing to have only part of a person, not the whole thing. They are asking for a half-assed relationship and the woman will knowingly consent to that and see you as low value. It also say she has low value for relationships and will probably make an awful partner in the future if she ever wants to be into only you. This can only end badly, and will start the same. Feelings will flame for no other reason than sexual infatuation, and not because you actually care for the person. You will be more attached than you should be and not see her objectively. I've had ONS' and for the most part regret them. I feel you can never have 'great' sex unless it is with a person you really want to be with. A person never gives all of themselves until they can give all they can. I believe many women shield the best of their sexual selves behind the wall of marriage, which is fine; if you have a great product, you don't sell it to the lowest common denominator all the time. Move on. Find a girl who will. The risk of disease, pregnancy, hurt emotions, damage to your values over sex, or the damage to new partners is too great just to get a nut off every now and then. Bedding down with a women you truly care about and can open up to is one of the best, if not the best, experiences men and women can share. But hey, do what you want, it's your life. DV
bac Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 In FWBs relationship a man is not used by a female. It is just opposite, if it is done right. A man uses a girl for sex and he has no other responsibilities towards the girl. You just call her anytime when you are horny and she will come to visit you to fullfil all your sexual fantasies. That is so simple. You have no emotional/intellectual connection with her. You basically do not spend any money on her. You can date other girls. You do not do anything for her except use her as a sexual object. You also do not care about her sexual/social life at all. You do not ask questions and do not answer any questions about your life. Ask her how she sees the FWBs relationship. Because different people see it different. It is hard to find a girl who wants FWBs.
You'reasian Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 How successful can a friends-with-benefits arrangement really be? Usually it's not explicit, but this one is: explicitly, "Hey, want to be friends with benefits?" As in, if someone asks, each person is single. I'm kinda torn, because I like this girl but that's the arrangement she wants, and yeah I'm certainly okay with the benefits but I don't know if I should feel like a fool for being "used" if you will...to the extent that a male can legitimately feel that way... FWB works if the mindset with both partners is in the same. You get along, enjoy each other's company enough to spend a few hours together BUT you are independent/busy/travel alot/not ready for commitment etc. etc.
carhill Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 OP, if you can imagine going to a buddy's (not close friend) house, having a beer, telling a few jokes, f*cking, going home and not really caring if you see that buddy again for a few weeks/whatever, nor they you, then that's FWB, emotionally. No longing, no romantic feelings, no emotional memories. A convenient and consistent gloryhole. A relationship of convenience. Has this girl shared how many FWB's she's been in before?
mrkleen Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 In FWBs relationship a man is not used by a female. It is just opposite, if it is done right. A man uses a girl for sex and he has no other responsibilities towards the girl. You just call her anytime when you are horny and she will come to visit you to fullfil all your sexual fantasies. That is so simple. You have no emotional/intellectual connection with her. You basically do not spend any money on her. You can date other girls. You do not do anything for her except use her as a sexual object. You also do not care about her sexual/social life at all. You do not ask questions and do not answer any questions about your life. Ask her how she sees the FWBs relationship. Because different people see it different. It is hard to find a girl who wants FWBs. This is exactly right. And it is very rare for it to last over any period of time, as one of you is going to get feelings....OR find someone else that you have feelings for and the it is done. I have tired it a few times and it just doesnt work for me. If it is more than a one night stand, I need the emotional connection as well as the physical to make sex worthwhile. To the OP - if you already like her, you are setting yourself up for a world of hurt.
txsilkysmoothe Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 When someone proposes FWB they are saying, "I don't consider you worthy of my feelings/emotions/love, but I will screw you until I find someone who is."
Author colosseum Posted March 23, 2010 Author Posted March 23, 2010 You dont want a FWB arrangement, you want a gf. I think youre reacting to the blow to your ego because she is basically telling you that youre not good enough for a relationship. If youre taking it that way, then you dont want this arrangement. Are you able to find a girl that will actually take you seriously, or is this girl the only option you have? Well, but isn't that what all FWB arrangements are? But in any case, she's not the be-all, end-all of my existence, of course not; if that answers your question. Move on. Find a girl who will. The risk of disease, pregnancy, hurt emotions, damage to your values over sex, or the damage to new partners is too great just to get a nut off every now and then. Bedding down with a women you truly care about and can open up to is one of the best, if not the best, experiences men and women can share. DV Yeah...what I'm tending toward... OP, if you can imagine going to a buddy's (not close friend) house, having a beer, telling a few jokes, f*cking, going home and not really caring if you see that buddy again for a few weeks/whatever, nor they you, then that's FWB, emotionally. No longing, no romantic feelings, no emotional memories. A convenient and consistent gloryhole. ... Has this girl shared how many FWB's she's been in before? She has had none as far as I know. To the OP - if you already like her, you are setting yourself up for a world of hurt. Yeah...that's what I'm thinking... When someone proposes FWB they are saying, "I don't consider you worthy of my feelings/emotions/love, but I will screw you until I find someone who is." Somehow, this is the most painful way to put it, but some how it's so liberating to hear you say it. Gaaaaa
OndaChin Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 FWB doesnt work!! However, with that said.... "Ask her if you can bring a good guy friend and do a DOUBLE team on her!" (This usually reverses the tables and makes the chick feel 'slutty'. Atleast thats what I've seen happen.)
Wallace1 Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 FWB can work, though I agree that it often ends with someone feeling hurt. The main thing is to not meet up too often. I personally think there's nothing wrong with the situation in general. I'm not avoiding commitment, but after a couple 2+ year relationships, I feel I know what I'm looking for in an LTR. Frankly, I'm probably too picky because it's a difficult combination to find. So be it. However, in the meantime, my choices are either: 1) ONS's 2) Be celibate 3) FWB's 4) Lower my standards I see option #3 as best.
tami-chan Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 When someone proposes FWB they are saying, "I don't consider you worthy of my feelings/emotions/love, but I will screw you until I find someone who is." OUCH! but true! As long as both parties are on the same page, by all means, use each other for sex as much as you can, for as long as you want! OP, you are not on the same page as this girl, so why the angst...say thanks, but not thanks!
Author colosseum Posted March 24, 2010 Author Posted March 24, 2010 is it possible that i can will myself to adjust to this arrangement, thus treat her like she's treating me? but then i guess what would that prove right? well thanks anyway, LSers. really, i appreciate it a lot.
Bleed Internal Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 is it possible that i can will myself to adjust to this arrangement, thus treat her like she's treating me? but then i guess what would that prove right? well thanks anyway, LSers. really, i appreciate it a lot. it's not that complicated, bro. sex is never that bad. whenever i know a girl is interested in me, i usually hit it at least once (if not more), even if i'm not that into her. it's another experience/notch/story. i suggest at least seeing what this girl is about.
aerogurl87 Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 You actually like her so it won't work. FWB arrangements only work when both parties sincerely are just in it for sex as the primary goal. When feelings start to enter the picture, the whole concept and structure crumbles. Been there, done that, and the best FWB situation I had was with this guy at my university. He was older than me and had his own place off campus. We'd meet up every once and awhile, chit chat a little, drink a few shots of Vodka, and then get right to it. No real emotions got involved so all was well... anyway I think the right name should be Acquaintances with Benefits because really FWB are usually never really "friends".
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