Trying to stop obsessing over them

[bluz73]

After 6 years he leaves me behind for a teenager who is 18. Im 36 he is 31.

At first I was having a hard time getting over him now that I see him as a total *******. He isnt worth my time and the funny thing is I knew all along that he was wrong for me but it was a type of an addiction. Now the withdrawl is over, Its the constant thoughts of this 18 year old thats driving me nuts. Everyday Im thinking of how any grown man could want to have a highschool girl with no expierience as a lifelong partner and not a fully mature woman with her life together? The thought of him allowing her in our bed, drive his car, do sexual things with her is seriously taking a toll on me and I dont know how to stop these thoughts!

He isnt a prize for sure he has a drug addiction, still in college, a felony record, but with all that he was very kind and loving man. I know he chose someone else over me but its not just that its with a barely legal girl and I cant stand the thought of it!

The thought of her being so blinded by the sex and desparation to be on her own to show her parents up and to need him for a place to stay and a ride to work makes me sicker! maybe she loves him Okay or vice versa, but all this happened in 1 month time frame and everyday I hope they break up but its been 7 months and until they are over I feel I cant let this go.

I feel I want him to be in pain and misery like I am. I dont miss him at all He disgusts me. Its her that I am obsessing about WHY??

Please someone save me from this destructive behavior please!

[LovelyDaze]

After 6 years he leaves me behind for a teenager who is 18. Im 36 he is 31.

At first I was having a hard time getting over him now that I see him as a total *******. He isnt worth my time and the funny thing is I knew all along that he was wrong for me but it was a type of an addiction. Now the withdrawl is over, Its the constant thoughts of this 18 year old thats driving me nuts. Everyday Im thinking of how any grown man could want to have a highschool girl with no expierience as a lifelong partner and not a fully mature woman with her life together? The thought of him allowing her in our bed, drive his car, do sexual things with her is seriously taking a toll on me and I dont know how to stop these thoughts!

He isnt a prize for sure he has a drug addiction, still in college, a felony record, but with all that he was very kind and loving man. I know he chose someone else over me but its not just that its with a barely legal girl and I cant stand the thought of it!

The thought of her being so blinded by the sex and desparation to be on her own to show her parents up and to need him for a place to stay and a ride to work makes me sicker! maybe she loves him Okay or vice versa, but all this happened in 1 month time frame and everyday I hope they break up but its been 7 months and until they are over I feel I cant let this go.

I feel I want him to be in pain and misery like I am. I dont miss him at all He disgusts me. Its her that I am obsessing about WHY??

Please someone save me from this destructive behavior please!

 

 

Hey bluz73.

It's because she has "taken your place."

 

Remember what we discussed before. You will obsess different facets of your breakup for awhile and that is more than normal. Just know that these two NEED to be together. Especially the 18 year old. There are lessons she needs to learn from being in a relationship with a man like that.

 

Let me explain further, since it wasn't like your ex was a good guy, at 18 she is naive and all she thinks is that they are madly in love. She doesn't care if he still lives at home with his folks, she doesn't care that he left you abruptly to take up with her, she just sees herself as "the winner" of an ill-gotten prize.

 

I'm in my early 30s, so I am right with you. Do you remember when WE were 18? I was SOOO in love with the wide receiver of our H.S. football team. I swore to God! I mean SWORE that he was the one for me forever.

Experience taught me different. The next guy was definitely the one, then the next guy, after that...the next guy seriously...oh just kidding...the next guy...I mean it this time...the next guy...you see what I mean?

 

Experience is a teacher. Like I said in a reply to your former post, don't talk to them ever again. Don't let curiosity take power over your logic. Let both of these people run the course of their relationship.

 

Have you seen people here on LS that have JUST been dumped by their BF/GF after 10 or even nearly 20 years? Breathe and think that they may even last that long. Your job is to keep reminding yourself that HE did this to you. Not the girl. She's just a kid who thinks she struck gold(LOL)

 

You know what kind of man he is because he showed you what he is capable of. If he could leave you at a drop of a hat, he can leave her just as quick....or SHE may leave him. Don't stand in the way of that grand possibility. You just continue working through your emotions & getting better and let them play house at his parents' house.

[bluz73]

I love your ability to comfort me thru your writing I wish we could talk thru IM or something.

I think when all this happened I thought i will give it a month and it wont work. Then I see he had her added to his car insurance in a month and moved in with him with in 3 mts and they are still having a fun old time. Like Friday night they were out partying it up til 4 am which in my opinion any 30 sumthing man shouldnt be hanging out with underage kids. Whwn him and I dated in the beginning we had a few drinks but as time went by I gave up all alcohol and so did he now he is drinking and smoking pot every weekend. I sound jealous but its Im so broken I cant have fun right now and it sucks.

When her and I had a talk she said her ex bf and her are still friends and they talk and Im suprised my ex is ok with that when he wont even talk to me?? Not that I want to but why didnt he ever reach out to be my friend? Or give me any explanation to what his needs were before this all happened. He is just a coward in my book.

I def know when I was 18 i married my HS sweetheart and after over 10 years and 2 kids later, we grew apart and changed and divorced. Him and I are good friends though after all that. I am sure she will change and get away from him eventually, but I was hoping sooner than later would make me feel so much better. Thanks for giving me words of wisdom

[LovelyDaze]

I love your ability to comfort me thru your writing I wish we could talk thru IM or something.

I think when all this happened I thought i will give it a month and it wont work. Then I see he had her added to his car insurance in a month and moved in with him with in 3 mts and they are still having a fun old time. Like Friday night they were out partying it up til 4 am which in my opinion any 30 sumthing man shouldnt be hanging out with underage kids. Whwn him and I dated in the beginning we had a few drinks but as time went by I gave up all alcohol and so did he now he is drinking and smoking pot every weekend. I sound jealous but its Im so broken I cant have fun right now and it sucks.

When her and I had a talk she said her ex bf and her are still friends and they talk and Im suprised my ex is ok with that when he wont even talk to me?? Not that I want to but why didnt he ever reach out to be my friend? Or give me any explanation to what his needs were before this all happened. He is just a coward in my book.

I def know when I was 18 i married my HS sweetheart and after over 10 years and 2 kids later, we grew apart and changed and divorced. Him and I are good friends though after all that. I am sure she will change and get away from him eventually, but I was hoping sooner than later would make me feel so much better. Thanks for giving me words of wisdom

 

Anytime, bluz!

 

Yes, 18 is just looking up the hill of life. She has plenty of time to grow, change and gain that proverbial "aha" moment that will make her look at your ex one day and think, "What the hell am I doing with this person?!?"

 

NO ONE could tell me I was wrong at that age. I knew EVERYTHING! What a laugh, right? Even if you showed her a crystal ball of what she will go thru staying with that slacker, she wouldn't believe you with eyes wide open.

 

Unfortunately, we seem to learn best through painful experiences. You had yours and she will have hers. I can see her at 33 shaking her head at her time "with this one guy I lived with when I was just a kid." And obviously, it's more than likely she will go through a few more bad relationships by the time SHE is 36 herself.

 

Take heart, bluz. The present seems blindly blissful to those who don'tt hink of logic and consequences. You are doing it now. Your courage in getting through this breakup will bless your present AND your future!

 

You will see a turd coming a thousand miles away now. When that next guy lays it on thick, don't believe it...watch him. Wait until he proves it. If you see those red flags (i.e. a recent ex he won't stop talking to, not keeping his word, being secretive with his time, etc.) Delete him from your life ASAP. You are way too beautiful of a person to waste time on someone who thinks they can treat you like a fool.

 

I have seem a few of my exes' Karma come back. One had his soon-to-be bride leave him at the altar. Another had his GF get pregnant by a married man! And my recent one that has the 18 year old GF also, came back to beg me to wait for him before he shipped off overseas in January of this year. Think about that. He may return STILL trying to get me back! No way.

 

Let your ex reap everything he has sewn. He will reap what he deserves ten-fold. So, you reap good seeds by never dealing with them again and bettering your life in your work, friends and/or family. Remember,if he comes back...don't accept 1 phone call, 1 ext or 1 e-mail. If he seriously gets that he made a big mistake, he will work harder than anything to win you back. That means, leaving the girl, getting a job, cleaning up his life and working on EVERYTHING that killed the relationship. Anything less is no dice.

[bluz73]

That is my hope she wakes up and realizes that he cant save her. If they last more than 6 years like him and I did well so be it but I highly doubt it. I guess I wanted the oppurtunity for him to say he is sorry and he had a bad lapse in judgement and then I can in return break his heart! But it looks like I wont ever get that oppurtunity.

I hate that they consume my mind everyday. I would like to ask you..Is this what happened with you? Was the curiousity of what she got that you dont always weighing on your mind?

He didnt tell me when we broke up it that the girl he met was 18, I found out on my own, so I think he knew I'd flip and give him every reason why its a bad idea. I dont have a prob with age gaps I have a prob with older men taking advantage of young minded barely legal girls. That is the definate reason I'd never get back with him. But knowing the way he was so good sexual makes me so angry that she is enjoying his expirience and it might just keep her sticking around considering the last guy she was with was her age.

Do you think I ever cross his mind in a loving caring manner? I did everything for this man, I am not argumentative Im so easy going we got along great, I could pass for 25 or younger long blonde hair blue eyes 130 lbs...good looking men would say...I dont see how any man could be attracted to a girlish 15 year olds looks??

The day before the bomb was dropped he looked me in the eyes and said he loved me and cant wait to spend his life with me and Im a far superior woman and he was so attracted to me we had amazing sex...then the next day he was ice cold..couldnt look at me, I touched his hand to hold it and it was lifeless and cold??? I just walked away in tears and his body language and silence said it all...Do you see my confusion?

[D-Lish]

When I was 36, I dated a guy who was 38, and his gf before me was 22. I was never able to come to terms with that. I was more concerned what was wrong with him that he could even be attracted to someone that age. I soon found out he had control issues, very insecure.

 

I think you should be focusing on the fact that something is wrong with him. He's trying to recapture his youth or he feels like he missed out somewhere and is trying to make up for it.

 

Age gaps are fine as people get a little older. Even if this girl was 22ish, it would seem more appropriate. But seriously- fresh out of highschool and him being 31- what can they have in common beyond the physical?

 

He really did an extreme flip here. Dating an older woman with children, to dating a flighty teenager with no stability. It sounds to me like stability scares him- and if that's the case, you should be glad you aren't with him anymore.

[bluz73]

Exactly Stability is the problem. The whole time I was dating him, it was me with the apartment which I wouldnt allow him to move in with me unless he got completely off the painpill addiction, and a good enough job to afford a place together...so after 3 years he finally got a place I moved in for all of 2 months and found out his chain smoking habit his nodding out from the methadone high burning holes into things, his staying up til 3 am, addiction to xbox, I had to move out which forced him back to his folks place. So his excuse for the next 2 years was finishing college for a better job(i never got to see that result) 5 months ago he was down to 60 mg of the methdone, Im not sure if he is off now. I am kinda mad cause if he gets his life together for an 18 year old and not a woman of my standards thats like a knife to the heart! She is okay with his problems, she told me he never told her about it until 3 months in and then she was already "inlove" with him and accepted it.

It just seems they are living a free ride off his folks and if they do get a place together, Im sure she will then see the true him..I doubt bein cramped in a bedroom for 2 months is not going to show his stability as if he had to pay bills ect.

I just cant stand the thought of them together. When I found out what she looked like and her age I was sooo happy cause he settled for less but anymore its making my mind crazy. thanks for your opinion appreciated very much!

[D-Lish]

It sounds like you have always been too good for him. I'm sure in the back of his head he knew that. He tried to get his **** together and then failed.

 

Now he has chosen a partner that doesn't care if he lives up to his potential or not. He can be a lazy ass chain smoking 31 year old, with no job, living with his parents, addicted to meth, playing x-box all night without a purpose in life.

 

An 18 year old girl isn't going to understand that he is a life-long loser- but she will get tired of him. In her eyes, he probably isn't much different than other 18 year olds.

 

He is with her because she isn't mature enough to know better, and therefore won't hold him accountable for anything.

 

You can't afford to be with someone like that, you deserve better.

[bluz73]

It is true, he told me during the bombshell..How great of a woman I am(i'd cook his fav meals, massages,clean his place buy him things) Now this broad cant even cook??? I dont get it?? Anyway he said he loved me but his stresses of living with his folks and his addiction I didnt deserve anymore. I get that Im too good for him but i tried to love him unconditionally. I see I am better off but the pain is still the same and them two acting like 2 teens makes me more upset. Maybe I wish I was a teen with a free ride, I dont know. I been on my own since 18 and had to bust ass for all I have. Never had a free ride.

But in all honesty I hope the honeymoon phase wears off and I get the satisfaction of knowing I was the one girl that got away and he will regret it