mammax3 Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 I've been mulling this over for the last two days and I'm not sure how I feel, or how I want to proceed. I'm curious for another perspective - I wonder if I'm too close to see objectively. We've been mostly on in our year long off and on 'relationship'. It seems he's been progressively getting cooler as time wears on. We're about an hour away but both have kids and other time constraints so we usually get together about 2ce a month, texting, chatting and skype frequency have been steadily dropping. I asked him recently about what's going on, and he's quite comfortable with the low (imo) contact, and essentially our twice a month is a booty call. He says he's not ready for anything more. TBH, I'm not sure how we could become anything more since we really don't have time, but the quality and quantity of texts/msg/emails could increase, and share more that way I guess. He says he's still keen on me, but I kind of feel like I'm in a holding pattern and he's really only interested in those twice a month visits. I really like him, and am prepared to wait this out, but I think our communications need to increase - it doesn't seem like he wants it to. What's an objective POV that you would share with me? I've got a headache from thinking about this, if I should just tell him to call me when he's got a clue. Thanks for reading.
SuburbanOblivion Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 I asked him recently about what's going on, and he's quite comfortable with the low (imo) contact, and essentially our twice a month is a booty call. He says he's not ready for anything more. Seems pretty cut and dried to me. Why should he consider buying the cow when he's getting the milk delivered to his door without even the work of feeding it? In short, he's treating you like a booty call because you are acting like one. Make him work for it, or walk away.
ADF Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 If your relationship essentially amounts to a twice monthly booty call, then it is a FWB relationship by definition. The fact he's okay with this proves it beyond any reasonable doubt.
Author mammax3 Posted March 23, 2010 Author Posted March 23, 2010 Thanks. I don't really want to believe it, because we have shared a lot in the last year, and it used to feel more like a relationship. I can't help but think that i want the whole package - emotions and inner selves as well as the physical.
Author mammax3 Posted March 23, 2010 Author Posted March 23, 2010 So I clarified with him. I have to imagine that at some level he likes me (but maybe I'm just saying that to make myself feel better) but just not ready or interested for anything more serious that casual, occasional hook ups. Can't say if it's over forever or not but we definitely are aware that we want different things from each other. I've read on here that fwb's don't ever progress into a relationship. Does that also include fwb's that were once relationship, then seemed to downgrade - do they ever get reinstated once there is a readiness? Thanks.
ADF Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 I've read on here that fwb's don't ever progress into a relationship. Does that also include fwb's that were once relationship, then seemed to downgrade - do they ever get reinstated once there is a readiness? Thanks. There may be occasional examples of FWB relationships that progressed into something deeper, but those are pretty rare. What you need to keep in mind is that for many men, having a GF is not the ideal situation. Having a FWB is the ideal situation. In a FWB, the guy gets all the benefits of having a GF, but with no strings. It is the ultimate win/win situation for him. Many men will try for a FWB if they can get it, and only settle for having a GF if they can't.
Author mammax3 Posted March 23, 2010 Author Posted March 23, 2010 You posted that somewhere else, ADF and it really never occurred to me that men wouldn't want a close, loving relationship where he could be loyal and dependable and and be supported by a loving partner. I still can't quite wrap my head around why a fwb is so attractive. But at any rate, that kind of describes my guy. He's a bit of a committmentphobe, and has endured some emotional wounding over his life. I suspect that this is a big piece in his decision, but that's his issues to come to terms with. I could be the most chillaxed person and infinitely patient, but if he doesn't address his issues, then it doesn't matter what I do. His self is his self to fix as he sees fit. Maybe he's ok with fwbs. I'm not - just incompatible. Thanks for your continued input, ADF. I appreciate it.
aerogurl87 Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 Yeah I don't think I've ever heard of a relationship that's downgraded to a FWB situation turn back into a truly, loving relationship. And like the other poster said, a FWB situation even developing into a real relationship is rare. So it seems you have 2 choices, 1) leave him and go find someone else who does want a relationship (I know it's rare nowadays, but I found my boyfriend who actually hates the idea of FWB and only wants to be in a committed relationship) or 2) stay with him and hope for the best for the future. Both paths are filled with uncertainty, but in the end it will be up to you to decide which one you will take.
Author mammax3 Posted March 26, 2010 Author Posted March 26, 2010 Thanks, aerogurl. It is my choice, and I don't want to be a doormat, but I also don't want to 'lose' him (however, he's hardly 'mine' to lose). I've been reading in some of the other threads that a man doesn't want a committment so he can be ready if another, better woman comes along. Sometimes I think it's just because he doesn't want the responsibilities or is fearful about that which comes with a proper, committed relationship - I'll go out on a limb and say it could be due to their unhealthy emotional state. That being said, I really haven't talked to 'my guy' all week since we discussed (oh so briefly) that we want different things. I'm quite sure that his lack of committment is due to his unhealthy emotional self. This is still a red flag, I understand, isn't it? I can't wait around forever, it almost feels like a game, or a test. If I can persevere, then I'll be 'rewarded' with a proper relationship. How long that will take - evidently more than a year. I think I know this in my head. The fact that he hasn't contacted me says a lot, and I'm struggling to put that into perspective. His words aren't matching up to his actions - he says he likes me, and yet he doesn't contact me. I'd like to talk this out with him, but I guess if he doesn't want to, it doesn't matter what I'd like, unfortunately. Thanks for reading again.
aerogurl87 Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 Thanks, aerogurl. It is my choice, and I don't want to be a doormat, but I also don't want to 'lose' him (however, he's hardly 'mine' to lose). I've been reading in some of the other threads that a man doesn't want a committment so he can be ready if another, better woman comes along. Sometimes I think it's just because he doesn't want the responsibilities or is fearful about that which comes with a proper, committed relationship - I'll go out on a limb and say it could be due to their unhealthy emotional state. That being said, I really haven't talked to 'my guy' all week since we discussed (oh so briefly) that we want different things. I'm quite sure that his lack of committment is due to his unhealthy emotional self. This is still a red flag, I understand, isn't it? I can't wait around forever, it almost feels like a game, or a test. If I can persevere, then I'll be 'rewarded' with a proper relationship. How long that will take - evidently more than a year. I think I know this in my head. The fact that he hasn't contacted me says a lot, and I'm struggling to put that into perspective. His words aren't matching up to his actions - he says he likes me, and yet he doesn't contact me. I'd like to talk this out with him, but I guess if he doesn't want to, it doesn't matter what I'd like, unfortunately. Thanks for reading again. I know how much that can suck mammax. When my ex boyfriend broke up with me he told me that he wanted time to "find himself" but in the meantime he wanted me to wait for him. I had no idea how long I'd be waiting for him so I made the tough decision to just let him go for good. 6 months later and he was telling me the same thing again, "I love you but I don't know what I want yet". And so I moved on for the last and final time from him. And now I'm happy I did because I found someone alot better in the end. Now I'm not saying your guy is as much as a jerk as my ex, but it is something to think about. He said he likes you, but isn't ready to commit to you yet. Well when will he be? How long will he keep you waiting and do you reall want to wait for him? Those are questions you really need to ask yourself because you could wait for a year and he could move on during that time or he could eventually come back to you. But as I said it's up to you to figure out which chance you're willing to take. Trust him and believe he'll come back eventually while you wait for him? Or move on and hope to find someone who makes you just as happy, if not happier, than he does now?
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