bms1972 Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 We are couple looking now at a 2 month separation. We were going to just get a divoce but after some close family friends & family talking with her they have encouraged her to slow down and consider a separation first. Well let me explain the reasons. Hold on to your seat this is going to be a bumpy ride. Apparantely the reason for her affair was due to the lack of Love that I didn't give her which she so despartely needed. In her previous marriage she had been abused so much that it left in area where she needed much more Love than I had given her. So in her eyes she said I treated her like s*#t for the 10 years. But to outside friends & family they didn't see that because she was really good at hiding this things. And maybe to me as well to some extent. Now she would tell me she wasn't happy at times. We woud talk and things would be great for some time and then back to normal. Well this so far seems pretty standard. Here comes the bumpy part. She had two kids from her previous marriage. At one point when my half brother had gotten old enough to drive he would come to visit a lot because of her two kids. The oldest just two years younger than him. Well he begin to get real close with our family and stayed around a lot up until he left for the military @ 19. When he was around 18 going on 19 they would spend a lot of time outside talking and I thought she was being the motherly type because he had some emotional baggage. Little did I know that all that sharing and the lack of Love from me with her being hurt led them into an affair. Yes, an affair with my half brother who is two years older than her daughter. Everyone had been sucpious of them but thought that wouldn't happen. Well long story short without all the juicy details. About a year of this going on she asked for a divorce that she wasn't happy. A lot of the family suspected something. I was still curious so one afternoon I begin to look around the house and to my horror I found the letters & diaries of events & time. They had been writing each other while he was in basic and planned times to meet when he would come back in town. Keep in mind some of this was going on right in our house while he is acting like nothing is going on. So anyway I did a lot praying and soul searching and told her I could forgive I didn't want to give on this marriage. So after some family and firends encouraged her to take a 2 month separation. That is where we are at right now. This is my first marriage and could use some advice on how to handle this time.
imagine Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 While she is in an affair, the wayward will rewrite history. This is a normal occurrence. You need to expose the affair while meeting her emotional needs. Do not warn her of the exposure. Do not try to educate her. Consult with all the friends that would be willing to help. Also do not allow further contact with OM in your own house.
Enema Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 You only get one life. I wouldn't waste it giving out second chances to someone who betrayed me like this. That's my advice on how to deal with it. IMO, if you stay with her this will happen again. She won't change, there's distrust there now and you will probably never be truly happy with her.
mark982 Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 your half brother is a back stabbing *****. there's no way i could take a girl back who did that with family (and yes i've been down that path) member. i say dump her and move on, this will always be part of family lore and will always somewhere, sometime be brought up, and eat at you.
hopesndreams Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 So anyway I did a lot praying and soul searching and told her I could forgive I didn't want to give on this marriage. What horrible, nasty things did you do in your life where you think all you deserve is this lying, sk*ank of a W, who has done the most disgusting thing imaginable under the roof of your home? When there is adultery, it is God's green light to end your M. Don't expect God to help you stay with her. He wants something better for you.
Enema Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 When there is adultery, it is God's green light to end your M. Don't expect God to help you stay with her. He wants something better for you. God's pretty busy letting millions of children in poverty die... you think he's got time to help christians date? Let's leave him out of this and work with reality.
hopesndreams Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 God's pretty busy letting millions of children in poverty die... you think he's got time to help christians date? Let's leave him out of this and work with reality. Ignore that part then. He has prayed. My response was to OP, not you.
Author bms1972 Posted March 25, 2010 Author Posted March 25, 2010 while most would think that I certainly should move on with my life. I love my wife very much, and take my wedding vows seriously. Sure the next comment would be that she didn't. but she had felt for so many years unloved by me because I wasn't a really affectionate person. but I knew that I was in love with her more than she knew. so with that being said I do feel that God doesn't want a marriage to end in divorce. but if his plans are different from mine then it will soon be discovered. I was looking for advice on how to handle this time period of separation. what things that I should do and shouldn't do?
Enema Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 In that case, we probably should leave the advice to HopesNDreams... You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into.
hopesndreams Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 Where is she during this 2 month separation?
mimidarlin Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 BMS, I applaud you for being committed to your relationship. Both of you need individual counseling and then marriage counseling. Probably individual counseling first. You love her and you believe in your commitment but I think you are still in shock. Your emotions and responses to this situation are going to be a hellish roller coaster. It's going to become very difficult for you try and understand the person she is and the person you thought you knew. She is trying to blame you for her cheating. This is not acceptable. It is a classic thing for the cheater to do. She was abused in her last relationship but she has emotionally abused you!!! She violated your trust. How will you ever be able to trust her with anyone? I'm not sure that your relationship is going to be able to survive the scars that this behavior is going to leave on your heart.
Author bms1972 Posted March 26, 2010 Author Posted March 26, 2010 (edited) I know that no one can understand how I can forgive her & learn to trust her again. But unless she is playing mind games with me I feel this wouldn't have happened if I had Loved her the way I should. She wouldn't have been seeking happiness outside the marriage. Last night was the first time I talked with her since our separation time. But she basically said that this is the first time she felt free. I have always been a relaxed husband to kinda let go about her own freedoms and trust her. Or else if I wasn't that type person she wouldn't have been able to do the things she was able to do in the affair. Being able to go places that I didn't realize were wrong. So basically I awakened this morning with the idea that I am meeting with a Christian counsler this evening. I am going to explain what is going on from past to present. Hopefully he can give me peace about what decisions I need to make. I know they are still talking and we can't work through our problems while they are still talking. But that has to be her decision if we are going to make any headway. So maybe it is best to give her that choice to stop all contact with him and for us to try. Or just go ahead with the D so I can start my healing and move on with my life. Edited March 26, 2010 by bms1972
carhill Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 OP, is there currently transparency? Verifiable evidence of the A's conclusion or existence? IMO, since she was proactive in separating, accept that. No pursuit. Get some IC for yourself to clarify your feelings and decide how you want to proceed. You have no control over her. Be aware that, as much as you might want to stay and work on the M, she can file for divorce and you have no control over that. You can't stop it. Can you accept that? IC can help. Make an appointment sooner rather than later. Good luck
MizzBella Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 I am so sorry you're going through this. I had the same problem with my ex-Husband. I also believe in keeping my vows too, and I tried several times to forgive him and stay in the marriage. Unfortunately, he refused to let go of the other woman, so I had no choice but to leave eventually. During the affair, your wife was getting her needs met by 2 people, which is great for her. She says she feels free on her own - but that feeling will likely be fleeting - freedom is nice until you realize what you've thrown away. When I left my ex-H I also felt free, but a few months later, the reality of my broken marriage, broken dreams, and broken family really hit home. I was devastated and still am. Go to marriagebuilders.com on some advice on wayward spouses. It helped me a lot.
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