threebyfate Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 Why do people nag their spouses? Rather than nag, why not state it a few times and if they're not willing to listen, hold them responsible by enforcing your boundaries? Rather than throw out ultimatums, just shut it down, figure out a way that enforces your stance or learn to live with it, since prior to marriage, these issues would have already cropped up. For example, with the ex-H, out of the blue he started to leave his socks laying around. After a couple of discussions about it and no resolution, I put his socks on his pillow, rather than fight about it. Had it been a much larger issue, ones that surround courtesy, respect, abusive behaviour, etc., I would have walked on him.
xxoo Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 For example, with the ex-H, out of the blue he started to leave his socks laying around. After a couple of discussions about it and no resolution, I put his socks on his pillow, rather than fight about it.. Ha! Well, I'd characterize putting them on the pillow as passive aggressive. However, I agree with you about nagging. My husband kept putting clothing ON the closed hamper, rather than IN the hamper. It annoyed me. I mentioned it a few times, and then I just took the lid off the hamper I knew he wouldn't care about the lid one way or another, so it was win-win. But my partner leaves his boxers on the back of the toilet in the morning, after his shower. I could get upset about that (I'm not the maid!), but I use humor. I flutter around talking about the "boxer fairy!" that "takes every good boy's boxers to the hamper in the morning!". He laughs, and gets the point. He remembers sometimes. When he doesn't, I just think of all the little annoying things I do (and there are plenty!), and put them in the hamper myself.
Author threebyfate Posted March 22, 2010 Author Posted March 22, 2010 I fully agree that it was passive-aggressive but he never did it again, so it was worth the PA moment.
blair08 Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 (edited) Why do people nag their spouses? Rather than nag, why not state it a few times and if they're not willing to listen, hold them responsible by enforcing your boundaries? Rather than throw out ultimatums, just shut it down, figure out a way that enforces your stance or learn to live with it, since prior to marriage, these issues would have already cropped up. For example, with the ex-H, out of the blue he started to leave his socks laying around. After a couple of discussions about it and no resolution, I put his socks on his pillow, rather than fight about it. Had it been a much larger issue, ones that surround courtesy, respect, abusive behaviour, etc., I would have walked on him. Good post! This is something I've had to learn to do over the years...stop nagging that is. I used to do it...I didn't even really realize it. However in MY situation, (I can't speak for others but for myself) my situation was I had a mamas boy on my hands that had everything done for him. Did I know before I marreid him? Well, not really, I never really saw alot of those characteristics until later on after we were married. Well, I can tell/ask ya once, or twice but when you flat out don't do it etc, and purosply ignore me in hopes that I'll do what was asked of you, then its on! Thats exactly what happened in my situation. Askign nice the first time or two then after that, it was like oh no this doesn't fly with me, until I pretty much flew off the handle. Then he would say, "Why you nagging me?" Well, lets see shall we! Maybe I wouldn't feel I had to if you heard me or did something earlier on, not after the 100th time, or it seemed! I remember thinking, are you serious? You really have the balls to ask me why I'm nagging when you haven't done squat, when it was asked of you nicely the first few times and then so on. He was the type that if he left something undone that I had asked, no matter how simple, he knew I would do it. Then he wouldn't have to. Why? Because it was done for him before. You want to act like a child, you can be treated like one. After years of battling this issue and then me making it clear to him that I was not his mother and that we had kids of our own, he finally came around some. I stopped doing some of the things I had asked him to do, that he didn't want to. Yes, I had to learn to take a step back and say enough is enough. Yes, I was an enabler of how HE already was. Now if something goes undone or whatever after I asked, I let it go, and if the house or yard looks like sh*t or whatever was asked, then it just does. Its not my problem, LOL! Edited March 22, 2010 by blair08
Author threebyfate Posted March 22, 2010 Author Posted March 22, 2010 I stopped doing some of the things I had asked him to do, that he didn't want to. Yes, I had to learn to take a step back and say enough is enough. Yes, I was an enabler of how HE already was. Now if something goes undone or whatever after I asked, I let it go, and if the house or yard looks like sh*t or whatever was asked, then it just does. Its not my problem, LOL!Exactly! There's also another aspect of this. What's our priority, doesn't mean it's someone else's. So is what we're asking, really that necessary? I take the example of dirty socks. It was my problem that I hated seeing these laying around the house. But I can only control my own actions, so I removed them from areas of the house where it bothered me, and put them into an area where he solely lives. If he was comfortable sharing a pillow with dirty socks, then we're both happy, right? But for some reason, he wasn't happy sharing his pillow, so he removed the dirty socks and no longer left them in other areas of concern. Say, this was in reference to a messy spouse, one who left their items all over the house, albeit this hasn't ever happened to me. I would have removed the messy personal items from areas that I lived and put them into areas where he lived aka his side of the bedroom or a spare room. Sooner or later, he would have gone crazy, looking for something and couldn't find it. It's all on him and is his responsibility as an adult, to put things back where they belong.
2sure Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 Something that all of my exes have said about me, regardless of what all else they may have said...is that I dont nag. And I dont. Not so much because I dont want to be the stereotypical nagging wife , or because men dont like it, or because they didnt need it... But because I just wont do it. I dont like to do it. If Ive said/requested something once - and I know I was clear, and I know he heard more- why would I say it again? If I do, it means either that I think he is too stupid to have understood me OR I'm too unimportant for him to listen to. I dont assume either, and I dont nag. So, either I figure the issue is more important to me than him and do it myself if its something like that. OR. If he is throwing laundry on the floor, it gets thrown out. Same for my daughter. If he is dismissive of me in public, I say directly: "Excuse Me? Is this where you want to go...right here , right now?" Nope. I never nag. Never have to.
carhill Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 OP, your point is well-taken. I put up with way too much shyte. I would just do stuff rather than 'nag'. I remember, after occasional requests of 'please pick up your shoes', when I started throwing stbx's shoes left laying around in the trash. Memorable times. Boundaries. Clearly defined and enforced. The clear difference is, a man risks divorce and cessation of sexual activity every time he enforces his boundaries. Unlike women, he can not so easily replace a mate and/or companion. So, as a man, I have to know and accept that I will go solo if there's push back. Accepted
2sure Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 I dont know , it just seems like for things such as picking up laundry/shoes/etc. If I have asked/told you this has to change and it has not changed... Then the best thing to do would be tell me: I understand this bothers you, I heard your request, and I gotta tell you - it aint gonna happen. Seriously, at least thats a response. With that, I think to myself: These things are not umportant to him, how important are they to me? If I get no response, I eliminate the problem. Now, sure my methods have caused major grief for my H and my daughter..but after the first time, no real surprise. Of course, the H and I have filed.
Els Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 The clear difference is, a man risks divorce and cessation of sexual activity every time he enforces his boundaries. Unlike women, he can not so easily replace a mate and/or companion. So, as a man, I have to know and accept that I will go solo if there's push back. Accepted Why do you think that a woman doesn't risk divorce? (Although I can understand why she would not risk cessation of sexual activity)
Author threebyfate Posted March 22, 2010 Author Posted March 22, 2010 The clear difference is, a man risks divorce and cessation of sexual activity every time he enforces his boundaries. Unlike women, he can not so easily replace a mate and/or companion. So, as a man, I have to know and accept that I will go solo if there's push back. Accepted A woman also risks divorce and a cessation of other aspects of loving, romanticism, attention, when she enforces her boundaries. Please don't confuse the ease of getting laid, with the ease of finding a partner and/or companion that's compatible or loving enough. So as a woman, we also have to accept that if we push back or hold firm to our boundaries, that we stand to lose our partners. This is a given possibility and one, I'm fine with.
xxoo Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 I understand this bothers you, I heard your request, and I gotta tell you - it aint gonna happen. My husband and I totally say this to each other! But, it's little stuff...not big stuff. And, that is usually the entry point to a brainstorming conversation of "How can this work for both of us?"
carhill Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 (edited) Why do you think that a woman doesn't risk divorce? (Although I can understand why she would not risk cessation of sexual activity) Anecdotally, reading LS, do you really think any women here have risked or been rewarded with divorce when they 'stand up' to their husbands? Simply for putting socks on pillows and putting trash bags in the bathroom or whatever? The man shrugs, nods his head like the bobble-headed dog, pushes it out of the way and goes on. The woman, OTOH, forms a long lasting emotional memory which is added to all the other long lasting emotional memories on the resentment ledger and tallies them up every so often with her girlfriends where they mutually decide whether it's better to stay or to go and, adjunct to that, talk about who said husband could be best replaced with. You really think I don't know what goes on, being a tampon for women for decades? I hear it, even today, from friend's wives. It's life. I accept it. I do not, however, have to spend my time and invest my emotion into that dynamic. So, with that in mind, globally, women *do* risk losing their partner if they enforce reasonable and healthy boundaries. I accept that. I did not address that; I said that their husband/partner can be quickly and easily replaced; I accept the sexual power of women to accomplish that goal/effect that action. It's real and happens every day. No indictment implied or intended. I've never believed in 'nagging'. My mother never nagged my father nor vice versa. I didn't nag my wife. To me, that's treating someone like a child. They've got grown up genitals and a grown up brain so they can act like grown-ups or go Edited March 22, 2010 by carhill
DaisyLeigh Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 My question is: WHY can't people just act like adults? I always thought that marriage was a give and take situation, and not so much a "me me me" thing. For example: If your socks lying around bothers your spouse, why not just pick them up? Is your wife your slave or something? Or: If you talk on the phone or stay on the computer incessantly, and it bothers your spouse, cut back. Why did you marry if you don't want to spend time with your spouse and family?
Kamille Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 As bf and I are increasingly sharing space, we've worked on an "exchange system". Basically, we each have our faults and we each named one we would like the other to work on, agreeing to let the rest go (as in, we prioritized each of our boundaries - I like a clean kitchen, he likes for me to keep my shoes in the shoe rack). Works for us and makes me feel like we have a reliable future ahead of us. @Carhill: not every woman holds grudges or keeps score. I'm sorry if your ex did, but I think you would greatly benefit from looking for a partner who doesn't have that mentality.
carhill Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 Yes, people should act like adults. I do not envy guys who use their wives as their personal slaves. I detest them. They're losers to me. They're not children, but have evolved their relationship dynamic to infantilize their own role in it. However, and this might take some introspection to consider, I note the guys whose wives are always bitching about (to friends/me) seem to maintain that dominant position and attraction by not compromising their infantile (IMO) ways. So, there is something to that. I don't find it healthy, but it seems to work for others. Like some LS'ers have said, even some posting in this thread, they like their men to be 'boys' in some behaviors. Why that is, only they know
xxoo Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 My question is: WHY can't people just act like adults? I always thought that marriage was a give and take situation, and not so much a "me me me" thing. For example: If your socks lying around bothers your spouse, why not just pick them up? Is your wife your slave or something? Or: If you talk on the phone or stay on the computer incessantly, and it bothers your spouse, cut back. Why did you marry if you don't want to spend time with your spouse and family? You are right about the give and take. But, ime, it is often about one spouse wanting things done *just so*, and there needs to be give in take on both asking and the complying. Neither partner has the best plan and the best ideas; the best ideas are worked out together. @Carhill: not every woman holds grudges or keeps score. I'm sorry if your ex did, but I think you would greatly benefit from looking for a partner who doesn't have that mentality. Amen to that. I don't have that mentality, and have never had that conversation with my girlfriends. In fact, the only 2 people who've had those conversations with me were very good male friends needing and ear and female perspective in their struggling marriages.
carhill Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 @Carhill: not every woman holds grudges or keeps score. I'm sorry if your ex did, but I think you would greatly benefit from looking for a partner who doesn't have that mentality.I'm not sure she held grudges, but she surely and precisely kept an accounting of what she deserved. I'll be happy to report on this forum when I meet a woman who does not keep a 'ledger' of resentments. Looking forward to that Unfortunately, the woman I was most recently seeing, after being divorced eight years, still called her ex an azzhole and recited a nice list. Yum
Author threebyfate Posted March 22, 2010 Author Posted March 22, 2010 I've never believed in 'nagging'. My mother never nagged my father nor vice versa. I didn't nag my wife. To me, that's treating someone like a child. They've got grown up genitals and a grown up brain so they can act like grown-ups or go Same here. My mother and father didn't nag each other, being quite clear about their wants v. needs and it works beautifully for them! Their marriage is how my marriage is modeled to a degree, when it comes to nagging. We don't nag each other. We discuss and resolve.
blair08 Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 Well for me, my mother did nag my father. I saw it, heard it, lived, learned that behavior etc. That's why I had to unlearn it over the years. As far as the statement about why can't two people act like mature adults? Well I guess two people can, BUT if you have one who acts like a child because of his/her learned behavior and then an enabler (like I was) because of my learned behavior and you combine the two,, then you don't really come out with mature adults. We eventually did, but it took awhile to undo years of what was learned.
giotto Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 the more I read these threads the more I think I'm perfect...
blair08 Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 the more I read these threads the more I think I'm perfect... Bragger! :laugh:
tinktronik Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 Why do people nag their spouses? Rather than nag, why not state it a few times and if they're not willing to listen, hold them responsible by enforcing your boundaries? Rather than throw out ultimatums, just shut it down, figure out a way that enforces your stance or learn to live with it, since prior to marriage, these issues would have already cropped up. For example, with the ex-H, out of the blue he started to leave his socks laying around. After a couple of discussions about it and no resolution, I put his socks on his pillow, rather than fight about it. Had it been a much larger issue, ones that surround courtesy, respect, abusive behaviour, etc., I would have walked on him. I cut all the toes out of my ex-H socks. Perhaps we have something in common. :lmao:
Author threebyfate Posted March 23, 2010 Author Posted March 23, 2010 I cut all the toes out of my ex-H socks. Perhaps we have something in common. :lmao: I suspect we have more in common than you might think! I'm also guessing that your ex stopped leaving his socks lying around, just like mine did.
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