How do you know if it's a pattern of incompatability or just a blip?

[Decisiontomake]

Haven't posted on here for nearly a year - original post:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=182664&page=3

 

Reason for writing today is that I feel like I'm cosntantly caught in the same situation with my husband. It gets better for a while which tends to go like this:

 

1. Have argument
   
2. I explain how bad I feel
   
3. He cries/apologises, says he'll make the differences he knows are needed
   
4. We rekindle the relationship in terms of getting along and laughing together
   
5. Have argument
   
6. Go to Point 2 and repeat
   

So, how do I judge if this just the foundation of my relationship and I'm going to keep coming back to the same issues, or whether they are just natural blips. Problem is, each time it's repeated I have that "Oh, here we go again" going on in my head and it makes me feel that I should be out of the relationship.

 

Things have improved from my original post in that he now has a job (which has been great for both of us), and it's certainly not horrible all the time, but there are things he does that make me question why I am with him. He's not the person I thought I would end up with: he's not sociable (I am), he's not driven (I am).....I could go on. I get that I don't want a clone of myself - God forbid - but I feel we're becoming (or always have been) incompatable at a deep level.

 

Am rambling a bit - hope you get the jist of this and more experienced users can help me out a bit. Thnx.

[spriggig]

he's not sociable (I am), he's not driven (I am).....I could go on. I get that I don't want a clone of myself

 

 

You can ask him to change (you have), but you can't force him to. You CAN however choose to see his "flaws" in a different light.

 

It seems you recognize that a "clone" of you would be too much. I agree--both driven, both sociable and where is the relaxation time?

 

Opposites attract, "he's not sociable"--appreciate his focus on the two of you, "he's not driven"--appreciate that he helps you to remember to stop and smell the roses.

 

It's all in how YOU choose to look at it.

[Chingaling]

A pattern of incompatability? Hmmm.... yes. During my marriage there were times when we certainly were on the rocks, and I would be teetering on the edge of taking the kids and leaving...usually followed by a period of complacency when the crisis had passed. Nothing was ever resolved however, and over the years we had the same argument(s) over and over and over ad nauseum. I can rhyme off the arguments by heart - alcohol, his parents, the kids, the mess in the house, the dog, alchohol, his parents, the kids, the mess in the house and the dog... Usually an argument that would start over one thing would lead into another topic (my H can't just argue over one thing at a time). What happens though is that by my caving and continuing on nothing ever gets resolved (his parents are still alive - I know, cause I check the obits every morning) and my H got very very secure in the M - he just figured that I would always get complacent and we would carry on.

 

Ummmm, no. Finally, a breakthrough moment when I realized that this will be the pattern for the rest of my life if I allow it to happen. I can't stand the thought of the next 20 or 30 years like this - and the older he gets the worse it gets. You really do have to ask yourself, honestly, if this is what you want for the next five decades. My worst nightmare would be the both of us ending up sharing a room in a retirement home...

 

Fortunately, my children are now grown and gone, and hopefully soon I will be too...

 

He'll have to find someone else to argue with about his drinking, his parents, the house and the dog....

Edited March 23, 2010 by Chingaling

[spriggig]

Yep, pretty much you can change yourself to make it work, if it's worth that much to you or you can bail.

 

I'm not saying "people never change", that is BS. I am saying that people have to choose to change and it sounds like he isn't.

[You Go Girl]

He never was the sociable one or the driven one. So nothing has changed except that you are questioning the relationship.

Discontent that he bores you?

Seeing something that looks greener across the fence? Or even just imagining such?

You need to ask yourself what is the real question here. It isn't the questions that you posted, because he has always been that way, and you have always been the way you are, but for some reason, you were happy enough to marry him back when, and now you feel disenchanted.

Why?

What's the real issue?

[sotagoon]

Everything sounds like it will be just fine when you find your "KEN".

 

Sometimes I'm interested in what people find endearing about a mate when they are the "perfect" one they think they are looking for? (Grass is very rarely greener)

 

There is always going to be one of the two people in a relationship that has a stronger feeling of love for the other...and as sucky as it might be.....the one that cares the least...is always in control.

 

Learn to love the flaws or go find the someone that loves yours....but in the end....you'd probably want to leave them too.

 

Remember...loving someone is a CHOICE..not something you do because it's the "RIGHT" thing or because someone's holding a gun to your head. Remember what got you there in the first place...Oh yeah...and unless they are a danger to you....give them the chance to be the best person they can be...and give them encouragement when they try....don't just sit back and expect to wake up one day with a NEW version of them.

 

Sorry for the bitter post....just sick of hearing about people so selfish that they don't work TOGETHER to HELP make changes. (because remember...the relationship is for both of you...not just you)

Edited March 23, 2010 by sotagoon