Flavour Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 ...okay, I will leave on next Sunday and we will be together for a while. Not much as usual. I don't know......I am so afraid to discover that, once again, I have chosen the wrong person. I don't know why I am feeling in this way, it is difficult to pinpoint why. It is just the fact that....it seems like I am the one who has to organize everything. It sounds like he expects everything to be done for him in advance. But it is ME who is going to his country, not the contrary, so why...? I am tired to be the one who does everything. It happens to me in all environments: for some strange reason, it ends that I finish with having on my shoulders ALL the responsibilities. Where do I do wrong? Oh, but you are strong. Oh but you are smart. MMhhh....excuses to make me work all the time and more than others. I have these tears which are not able to come out from my eyes. I do not know why. I would have expected something more from him in these months. I feel a bit resentful. I am physically very tired and I do not particularly like the idea of this long journey. It is a big stress for me. And it seems we have to decide everything, but I am afraid that it will be ME who will have to decide everything. Sometimes he looks like a child I have to care for constantly. I already have two children on my own and I do not need a third one. I am afraid that, if I do not see something postive in this meeting, I will politely come on the return flight and then I will disappear on the horizon for good. His family , besides, has done all the possible remarks on me, knowing me just for three days. I am sorry....I am asking for nothing here, except for the commitment that I am giving myself. All I have had from him have been many many words but no practical steps to solve everything. I have done a lot of things which apparently he is grateful for, but not so willing to reciprocate. I feel fooled and I don't know why. Depression or gut feelings? Sorry for ranting...
Els Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 So sorry to hear that, hon. What has he done (or not done) to make you feel this way? Only if you feel like talking about it, of course. If you don't, I can only wish you the best of luck and hope everything works out for you.
Mei Mei Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 Dear Flavour, You are always a nice, warm and considerate lady. Sometimes we might not be aware that we have done more than enough when we are too much wanting things to get fast and our So to be better and easier. At times we forget our needs but we know it soon when things do not appear to be reciprocal. I hope you can communicate well your needs in the coming real touch and let him do more whilist you will be feeling happy to enjoy a time of being taken care of. Try to give regard to his positive action of caring you and don't feel uncomfortable to be a bit lazy as you did so much in past. I hope with the reverting move, both are gradually contributing at same strength to the relationship! My best wishes for you always:bunny:
aerogurl87 Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 Flavour communication is key in a LDR. And guys are sometimes lazy, so sometimes you gotta stand up for yourself and tell them this is what you want (and state what you say in the clearest language possible, no ambiguity to sweeten it, just tell the truth). My guy and I are meeting for the first time this May and up to me getting the tickets I felt like the only person who was excited/planning stuff was me. He said he was excited (and he really was after I confirmed that I really was coming) but I told him I couldn't sense it. So after my one strong suggestion that we go horseback riding while I was up there, he decided to try and plan a day for us in the city. And so now he's done that and is working on planning for us to have another "date" while I'm up there to take me to a nice restaraunt followed or proceeded by a movie. I'm happy, he's happy, and it would all not have been possible without some good communication.
Author Flavour Posted March 25, 2010 Author Posted March 25, 2010 You are both right. I am definitely going to do less when I see him this time, I want and need to be cared for. And I will also try my best to be clear. I do not want to sound abrupt, but I am not able to find different words. All I see from him are words, words, words. As I told before. But nothing more. He calls me a lot and he is very present in my days through the phone, he is always the one calling, but he has a phone system like Skype where he can phone anywhere in the world for virtually nothing, so is not such an effort after all. I sound materialistic, right? But I give you an example: we have been together for seven months right now. I have sent him cards, stupid presents ( to send them I paid a fortune) but I stopped when he never EVER sent me something back. I do not want anything of expensive, I would become crazy for a mug or dried flower in an envelope! But I got absolutely nothing. Also on facebook, I always link to his profile songs, stupid things with the buddypoke, but also there....nothing. It does not take that much to press some buttons, right? He says he is not an electronic person. Maybe also for the presents, he is not the romantic type. Yes....but what about ME paying the hotel for the whole stay- as I was the one who had to book and find a suitable one- and I am the stranger not him, nad just to be old fashioned, I am the woman also! Maybe I am coming to the conclusions, maybe when I see him he will be supportive and want to give me back the money, which I will never accept by the way. But if this does not happen? No words about that? I must be the one to bring out the topic? And on top of that, he keeps telling me that his mother continues to tell him to pay attention on me because I could be a digger. Digger of what? I found it deeply offensive and this is why I do not want to talk about money at all, but I am feeling resentful also. If I talk I sound like the materialistic digger. If I do not talk the anger is eating me. But what I want after all? A dried flower and the half of the expenses of the hotel! Does it make me a digger? But I am afraid that if we start the topic I will become so angry that I could say something of really bitter. He told me on the phone: it is not fun to have to deal to depressed people. Please be happy. WHAT? And what do I do, I switch something or what? And I am no fun to be with if I am sad- for his faults by the way- and we are talking to start a family on these basis? OMG I am so angry.....nad all the romance here is gone. Cynical but true.
Author Flavour Posted March 25, 2010 Author Posted March 25, 2010 And always on the cynical note, he talks about love love love....yesyerday I thought : I am 42 and he is 60. When on earth a luck like this will ever happen to him again? This is LUST and not love. Love has nothing to do with that. Nothing. I am crying like crazy right now. I am always the same stupid. Always. And I do not want to leave this time. I would like to tear my ticket in one thousand pieces right now. Why am I so coward and I am not able to do that? Why?
WhenIrishEyesSmile Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 Yes, communication is key, but some guys just aren't organized, they're not planners, they don't send little thoughtful "thinking of you" gifts. They just aren't like that, and no amount of communication, nagging or tears will make them change. Yes, communicate with him. Think about what kind of person he is (is he normally super organized?), and other ways that he might show he cares. Failing that, or if you just cant' live with him doing the above (I totally understand why it hurts and frustrates you), then end it, because you clearly aren't happy.
aerogurl87 Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 Wait a second, he's 60 and can't pay for half the hotel or send you anything? If you were both young and in college or just starting out I could understand this, but he's an adult. And no grown man that I know of would make a woman pay for an entire trip on her own. Also wanting him to contribute does not make you a gold digger. I want my boyfriend to contribute to the cost of me flying out to see him, and he is. I honestly think your problems with this guy are deeper than communication issues.
marionthelibrarian Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 You're flying an awfully long way for him not to be sharing the expenses!! Or the hotel! He's 60 yrs old! Why can't you stay in his home as a guest? And why is he listening to his mother?? I'm sorry. I don't know your whole story, but this sounds incredible! Do take note while you're there... what he does for you. If he doesn't make efforts to make your stay enjoyable, take you to dinner, take you siteseeing, etc., I'd be very wary.
Mei Mei Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 Flavour I feel sad to hear your description of the circumstances about your LDR. Try to see if this relationship is really losing the balance so that you can revert it with some ways or it is simplyiy like that at the beginning. I hope you stay clam again after the emotional moment and step back to see how this relationship is evolving. If it is not healthy and you are so unhappy, I do hope you take care of yourself first, lest it would end up with big fight or emotional outburst during real encounter. Always take care and I am here for you always:)
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