saltnpepper Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 She's been on anti-depressants for years. Sex drive only returns if she smokes pot. I suppose that's acceptable. What I'm gradually figuring out really forms the issue is the separation, the wall between us. She's so distant much of the time. I can see her in there, I love to hear her voice, but there's this rubbery barrier. Like an intimate relationship with a condom laid between us. I don't believe it's that we've been together a long time. I find her attractive enough. I find my heart opens to her. But she remains just at a distance, even when we're intimate. COuld this be the anti-depressants? I still get a fair amount of the unfair total judgmental I'm the bad guy stuff, even in things I have nothing to do with. This goes completely haywire and becomes unbearable if she's off the anti-depressants. Does anybody get off them? If not for the kids, I'd have probably bugged out long ago. Thoughts?
crazycatlady Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 Anti-depressants will lower your sex drive, some can also inhibit your ability to achieve orgasm especially in women. Is she just on the anti-depressants, or is she also in counciling? I would be leary of the doctor who prescribes long term anti-depressant usage without counciling as well. It is important because you are eventually suppose to come off of them in most cases and you need to learn better coping techniques. Because no one here knows your wife, I think it would be best to suggest to your wife that she see a different doctor and review her medication, and maybe (hopefully) start counciling. Also there are other types of anti-depressants, and some do not kill the libido as bad as others. So that is something else to look into. Otherwise, there may not be a solution and you have to look at it one of two ways. Either this is the sickness part of your wedding vows and you are standing by her because she is sick - and depression is an illness (but to me, uncounciled medicated depression is like treating for diabetes and still eating crap) and this is the deal breaker and its better for the kids that you are apart but happier. CCL
giotto Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 She's been on anti-depressants for years. Sex drive only returns if she smokes pot. I suppose that's acceptable. What I'm gradually figuring out really forms the issue is the separation, the wall between us. She's so distant much of the time. I can see her in there, I love to hear her voice, but there's this rubbery barrier. Like an intimate relationship with a condom laid between us. I don't believe it's that we've been together a long time. I find her attractive enough. I find my heart opens to her. But she remains just at a distance, even when we're intimate. COuld this be the anti-depressants? I still get a fair amount of the unfair total judgmental I'm the bad guy stuff, even in things I have nothing to do with. This goes completely haywire and becomes unbearable if she's off the anti-depressants. Does anybody get off them? If not for the kids, I'd have probably bugged out long ago. Thoughts? Fairly similar situation... my wife has been on them for years... I've been on them for a while (on and off), but I stopped them last year and I feel much much better... I don't think there is a lot you can do about it... I get the "wall" comparison entirely... my wife is the same, but she claims she loves me... children? Yes, I wouldn't be here either without them... I'm pretty sure it's the ADs... your life becomes a bearable but incredibly dull existence... it really is like living inside a room with rubber walls...
Author saltnpepper Posted March 22, 2010 Author Posted March 22, 2010 I will suggest she get a review from another doctor. Thank you for the suggestion. There are indeed major issues from her upbringing and rape at play here. Issues she carefully avoids. I am reassured that someone else understands the "wall" part. Oddly, once we get past the barriers, the sex is very good technically, and she orgasms fine. We don't get that electric connection that's possible. I could all too easily see us in separate households on the same street as now, raising the kids together comfortably. That I can see that suggests somethings gradually broken. On the sickness end - I may be burning out as a caregiver. She was injured a while ago, head trauma and it's consequences. Hasn't exercised since. I'm thinking exercising regularly with her might help us both. Will mull over things. Thanks
giotto Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 I will suggest she get a review from another doctor. Thank you for the suggestion. There are indeed major issues from her upbringing and rape at play here. Issues she carefully avoids. my wife also has issues from her upbringing... it's funny what you say about seeing yourself living in another house in the same street but raising the kids together... this is exactly how I see myself...and sex bit as well! The spark's gone in our relationship and the downhill path started soon after she was prescribed ADs... I'm pretty sure there is a connection... good luck!
carhill Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 Is there concurrent IC or MC going on? IMO, and most practitioners I've consulted agree, an integrated psychological/physiological approach is best. Balance the brain chemistry and work on the psychological issues. It's very common for AD's to alter libido and orgasm response in both men and women. A good doctor will work with the patient to find the best single med or cocktail to afford a efficacious QOL for therapy to proceed. If the doctor isn't proactive, fire them and find another one. Life is short
Spark1111 Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 Is there concurrent IC or MC going on? IMO, and most practitioners I've consulted agree, an integrated psychological/physiological approach is best. Balance the brain chemistry and work on the psychological issues. It's very common for AD's to alter libido and orgasm response in both men and women. A good doctor will work with the patient to find the best single med or cocktail to afford a efficacious QOL for therapy to proceed. If the doctor isn't proactive, fire them and find another one. Life is short Great advice, Carhill! I agree completely. Most AD's are designed as a short-term remedy...5 to 6 months...coupled with intensive counseling, and then a scaling back of the meds to promote the highest functioning possible, or quitting them entirely until the next episode of depression. Unless, it is a more serious disorder like bi-polar/and or borderline. Then, unfortunately, it is a life-time of meds. I am amazed how quickly mds prescribe ADs forever and do not insist the patient get counseling. It's just wrong.
carhill Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 IMO, it's a better plan of action, after a complete physical (to rule out/confirm organic issues), to get a psych eval/consult first and then refer out to a psychiatrist for meds as indicated. I personally would not seek out brain meds from a GP. As indicated by examination, a neurologist could be consulted for their opinion on brain structural issues. For example, a small benign tumor in the frontal lobe could cause marked changes in personality. The brain is a complex biological machine and, unfortunately, is the machine responsible for our own awareness of itself. It's hard to diagnose the machine if the machine which establishes the diagnosis is impaired.
Author saltnpepper Posted March 22, 2010 Author Posted March 22, 2010 Counseling hasn't done well for her or us. I love counseling myself. Rip into me, give me experiential group therapy, role playing, get me into a sobbing ball, strip me naked and have people make fun of me. Works really well. I've not been able to consider myself "fixed" and always think of myself as a work in progress. She goes for a little while and gets "fixed." Then backs off. It's a help, but I've presented that it would be better as a continuous help, not an intermittent and widely separated in time help. Together, that's worked better, but she withdraws pretty quick and I tend to get gunshy. I'll bring it up again. Usually doesn't go down well, she considers I must be trying to "fix" her, so I must think she's "broken," so I must not love her. Proves demanding. Thanks for the advice!
carhill Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 What kind of counseling? IC or MC? IMO, she should be in IC. How long? My stbx thought I was depressed and represented that to our MC. He decided to proceed and observe. After a couple of months, he determined a referral was not necessary. I saw meaningful results for myself after about eight months and continued for another six months after that. If your wife does not 'want' counseling or your M to work, it won't, because she won't do the work on herself. The meds help with the 'want'. Depending on the nature and level of her issues, it could take a couple years of consistent effort and dedication. Marriage is a team effort.
Author saltnpepper Posted March 22, 2010 Author Posted March 22, 2010 I will talk with her again about the IC. She seems to want things to work. She wants to sleep late, work a little, pick up the kids, ignore most of the house, do facebook all evening, go to sleep with dogs between us and not kiss. I just have to disagree that represents "working."
giotto Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 I will talk with her again about the IC. She seems to want things to work. She wants to sleep late, work a little, pick up the kids, ignore most of the house, do facebook all evening, go to sleep with dogs between us and not kiss. I just have to disagree that represents "working." I can see you haven't completely lost your sense of humor... I have a problem with reminding my wife that she is supposed to go to therapy... she agreed to it a few ago... but guess what? Nothing... It's really disparaging... she also tends to sleep a lot... she says that she doesn't have to think about anything if she sleeps...
carhill Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 This is hard to do, but sometimes you have to bite the bullet and 'lead'. Make the doctor's appointment. 'We're going, no talk'. The biggest change for myself was getting used to, emotionally, my stbx being mad at me. I had to get comfortable with that to erect proper and healthy boundaries. Do what you need to do. Hire a housekeeper. Throw the computer out the window. Be proactive. Piss her off. If she doesn't like it, she can leave, or she can get help and work things out. Her choice.
Author saltnpepper Posted March 22, 2010 Author Posted March 22, 2010 Not a bad idea. She is, of course, fine and doesn't need a second opinion. She's seeing the doctor I recommended, she's doing fine, why don't I just go back in my corner. I'll talk to her doctor. There's something amiss here. He's a friend of mine.
crazycatlady Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 I know I have a lifetime a head of me on and off meds for depression. I started dealing with it around age 8, and have dealt with it off and on since then. However, when it hits, i go back into counciling because I could usually use a refresher on how to handle things, plus its nice to be able to hash out some things that I keep tucked away - which if anyone can read here sees, that really isn't that much anymore lol. But I still go because its good and healthy for me to go that way I don't have to take the ADs for that long - I hate pills. And I like talking, so its a win win for me. But I have in the past known I had something difficult to go through that could send my coping skills to heck and back, and will get a couple of months worth of AD to get me through it. But I've been dealing with this for a long time. But really, sounds more like she doesn't care and more apathy then depression. which I think pills will do if you don't get the counciling with it. As for her past issues, dealing with those are a must. I can not stress that enough. But if she won't deal and try? There is only so much you can push. And your leaving might be the incentive she would need to get her butt in gear. Working out is also essential when you are working on depression. A good routine will help you ease off meds too. CCL
Author saltnpepper Posted March 22, 2010 Author Posted March 22, 2010 A problem is that it's my house, in my name. Another, that she's pretty happy overall, in her own way. That happy just doesn't seem to need me, although she says it does. I'll talk to her doctor. At least I have enough to keep me busy. Her large amount of butt time makes sure of that.
carhill Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 Resentment will kill you; your soul. Don't let it. Get moving. And I don't mean housework...
Author saltnpepper Posted March 23, 2010 Author Posted March 23, 2010 That's exactly what I've been fighting - resentment. Lazy family doesn't help, that's for sure. Other opportunities always look better, I know. Eventually present their own problems. I might just need a week off - separate vacation somewhere. It's been a long time since I had a week off. Even when I do, I'm sitting around at 10:30 waiting for the various acts to get together. "Well, we're on vacation, so what's the hurry." Well crap, the hurry is I get up at 5 and get going like normal type A morning people!!!
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