ranse Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 I appreciate any feedback, (sorry this has developed into a bit of a long post) I find myself wondering why? My ex and I have been apart for approx 8 months? NC was on and off, mainly broken by her. the whole 8 months she was sending me bday presents, xmas presents, she sent me a story that she had come across from somewhere about couples breaking up for awhile and ending up back together. From these signs I kept the contact as minimal as possible, still tried to keep as close to NC as possible, only talking if she called me constantly, etc etc. and honestly after all of the things she was sending my way and the things she was saying, gave me the impression that she wants to work things out between us. This is mainly why I forgot about NC hmm anyways, we talked more about our relationship, and the last 8 months that we were broken up, she has been "seeing" another guy. I personally know him and he is an old friend of hers from highschool. as either one of them has moved out of that town, and it being a small town, its hard to loose touch with them kind of people. So wen talking to her about this she told me he is nothing more than a ****buddy. hmm she goes on to tell me that she doesn't know how or why, but she knows that she wants to be with me eventually, and its something that is just a part of her. But she expects to be able to continue her fancys with this other guy for a couple more months untill she moves down here, (2 hours away from where she is now) I understand that jumping into a relationship now wouldn't work. and also the fact that she wants to enjoy being single now, before jumping back into things. from my perspective, why waste time if she knows she wants to be with me? and is all the shii she has been sending me just shi? or does she truly feel that way...Talking to her about this I tend to believe its genuinely how she feels. At the same time I feel as though she is lost, maybe the guy she is with is developing into something more? and she is just having a hard time dealing with feelings left over for me. Today, havn't talked to her since wednesday. yesterday was her birthday I sent her a message saying happy bday hope its a good day.... She hasn't tried contacting me in anyway since wednesday, and usually she was at least sending a text everyday. now its nothing. its obvious that I care about her, I wouldn't be here if I didn't. I just dont understand why she would send me those things, while she was screwing this other guy, and tell me she loved me, and as of wednesday, she still says that she wants to work things out eventually. I would like to work things out if thats how she genuinely feels, apparently though I will not know that untill she moves here in a few months. Please share any thoughts you may have after reading this.
djentleman Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 You left out some vital information, which I think is safe to conclude, but just to verify: Who broke up with whom?
Weird Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 Sounds like she is being incredibly selfish, not thinking about your feelings and just figuring you'll be there no matter what. I say you either lay down the law or just ignore her until she grows up and/or figures out what she truly wants and maybe then she won't treat your heart like a pinata. There is no way you need to be in her life hearing her say that stuff about how she "wants to be with you eventually" but then she is humping someone else. Like you, I see no reason why if someone truly feels that way they would be wasting the time by not doing it or would be getting intimate with other people. If someone means what they say then show some bloody loyalty (even if the relationship couldn't work out right now there is no reason why she can't simply stay single/abstinent until then) and if they don't mean it then don't say it. I don't like you getting jerked around like this.
Author ranse Posted March 22, 2010 Author Posted March 22, 2010 You left out some vital information, which I think is safe to conclude, but just to verify: Who broke up with whom? Basically the break up was mutual between both of us. Neither one of us liked how things were going. I was dealing with a lot of other things in my life at the time and our relationship went to the bottom of the priority list. On her end, she said then that she just wants to take a break for awhile, and that she doesn't want this to be a permanent break just yet. (at the time I didn't care, I considered it but I was ready to be single) To this day she is worried about us being the same as we were before, she tells me she has a hard time trusting me and me with her as well. No one cheated on anyone in the past, it is just the fact that we didn't make eachother priority (more me not doing this than her) And looking back I have to admit that I wasnt the greatest guy towards her, nothing extrememly bad but just little things that I did or didn't do just added up. Since then I have taken care of things, and know that I can be a better guy for her, but its hard to show this when she is playing these games. I could go on for awhile about this, I think this covers it for the most part, thank you for the replies.
spriggig Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 I'm going to go out on a limb here and say something you probably won't like. She's being wishy-washy because you are wishy-washy. You are not cranking her engine the way she needs it. She found a fckbuddy who DOES crank her engine, but she probably doesn't like him much as a long-term prospect because he is a bad boy. She is holding you in the wings because women think they'll "settle down" and want a good guy like you. Which MAY happen, but IF you are a "nice guy" you won't hold her attention very long in spite of her own good intentions toward "settling down". It may sound cheesy but go ahead and search online for seduction techniques and also search and study "nice guy" syndrome to make sure you don't get shoved permanently into the friend-zone.
DustySaltus Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 (edited) Ranse, a second chance cannot work unless both people are committed to fixing the problems that led to the breakup in the first place. It doesn't seem like she is knocking down your door saying that she wants to do it. Instead, she throws you crumbs here and there and you take them. You have to respect yourself first. She's still with some other dude. Disappear. Cut her out of your life. Unless she comes back down the line and says she made a huge mistake and will do whatever it takes to make it work, you have NOTHING to talk about. She's using you as an emotional tampon. The only thing worse than that is YOU continuing to LET her do that. You don't deserve this. I know you care and that's why your here. But we want to see YOU better YOURSELF first. Stick to NC, it's the quickest path to healing. Edited March 23, 2010 by DustySaltus
OndaChin Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 Ranse, a second chance cannot work unless both people are committed to fixing the problems that led to the breakup in the first place. It doesn't seem like she is knocking down your door saying that she wants to do it. Instead, she throws you crumbs here and there and you take them. You have to respect yourself first. She's still with some other dude. Disappear. Cut her out of your life. Unless she comes back down the line and says she made a huge mistake and will do whatever it takes to make it work, you have NOTHING to talk about. She's using you as an emotional tampon. The only thing worse than that is YOU continuing to LET her do that. You don't deserve this. I know you care and that's why your here. But we want to see YOU better YOURSELF first. Stick to NC, it's the quickest path to healing. I agree with Dusty on this point. I too, have been where you are- having the Ex (play ball else where) and tell me she loved me. Trust yourself & your feelings- know that what she is doing is hurtful and disrespectful to you. She's wrong to do this to you!! Think of your situation this way: "Do you think she'd like to hear about the "NEW" girl in your life, whose got your nuts on their chin??" I THINK NOT!! I'm sure that would piss her off to no end. I know it hurts and my heart goes out to you BUT you have to cut your losses on this woman. Go NC and don't go back. Good luck!
Author ranse Posted March 23, 2010 Author Posted March 23, 2010 Ranse, a second chance cannot work unless both people are committed to fixing the problems that led to the breakup in the first place. It doesn't seem like she is knocking down your door saying that she wants to do it. Instead, she throws you crumbs here and there and you take them. You have to respect yourself first.. I agree with you about this. And its exactly what she has been doing, I have been doing what I can to avoid this at all costs, but what I dont understand is how she can say that she is so sure about "us" and we have talked in length about our problems, and we both know what it is that lead us to where we are now. Its like she expects me to put everything on hold while she is screwing this other guy and doing whatever she wants. I understand her wanting to be single and enjoy being young while she still can. her statement to me was, "while we were dating you never wanted to go out and do things" No I really didn't, and that point I was dealing with a lot of **** and didn't feel like going out much. thats another story. But, since she says she feels that she missed out on things while we were dating, she wants to be able to look back at this time and say that she lived it up. I really dont care that that is what she desires to do at this point. But Why should I stick around for this. I feel almost torn, I am willing to step back and let her do whatever it is she wants. I have been doing the same. But Im sick of feeling as though Im wasting time on this. I guess the fact that unfortunately I understand her point, and am willing to ride it out and see what happens with it, is the reason why I am having trouble with this. I know that NC is the best bet, but once in awhile when we do talk now I feel like we are making huge strides in our relationship, and shes the one bringing up the topic 90% of the time. Maybe its all a lie, and I truly need to quit wasting time.
DustySaltus Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 I agree with you about this. And its exactly what she has been doing, I have been doing what I can to avoid this at all costs, but what I dont understand is how she can say that she is so sure about "us" and we have talked in length about our problems, and we both know what it is that lead us to where we are now. Its like she expects me to put everything on hold while she is screwing this other guy and doing whatever she wants. I understand her wanting to be single and enjoy being young while she still can. her statement to me was, "while we were dating you never wanted to go out and do things" No I really didn't, and that point I was dealing with a lot of **** and didn't feel like going out much. thats another story. But, since she says she feels that she missed out on things while we were dating, she wants to be able to look back at this time and say that she lived it up. I really dont care that that is what she desires to do at this point. But Why should I stick around for this. I feel almost torn, I am willing to step back and let her do whatever it is she wants. I have been doing the same. But Im sick of feeling as though Im wasting time on this. I guess the fact that unfortunately I understand her point, and am willing to ride it out and see what happens with it, is the reason why I am having trouble with this. I know that NC is the best bet, but once in awhile when we do talk now I feel like we are making huge strides in our relationship, and shes the one bringing up the topic 90% of the time. Maybe its all a lie, and I truly need to quit wasting time. She's keeping you as a backup plan. You continue to let her do that. Stop talking to her on the phone. Have ONE more conversation with her explaining to her that you are not ok with the situation and for her to CEASE ALL contact with you at this point. Let her beg, scratch and plea all she wants. Focus on you. What makes you think that something like this would happen OVER and OVER and OVER again if you let it? You have to break the pattern and stand up for yourself. She's treating you as a doormat right now. It's not a healthy way to start a relationship, let alone a second chance. She's sleeping with another dude and I know it sucks. But why don't you get out there and have a little fun yourself? You've got all the freedom you want now, why not enjoy it. And if she comes back down the line, you make her work her *** off to even get her foot in the door. So you had a lot of issues going on when you were together. Instead of her being a pillar of support she looked towards her own selfish needs. Relationship are not judged at their highest points during the honeymoon period. They are judged when things aren't going as expected and life throws a ton of crap at you but you find a way to make things work and you grow STRONGER. She used it as an excuse to break up and go hang out with another dude. And when things don't go right with him she'll break up with him and either come back to you OR move on to someone else. You know why? Because she's a runner. She won't stick around to fix things because it's so much easier to move on. And that has nothing to do with you, it has everything to do with her. So until she figures things out and understands how a relationship truly is supposed to work ON HER OWN, any reconciliation attempt would be like putting a band aid on a gunshot wound. Stick to NC. Start today and continue to post here. Good luck.
Author ranse Posted March 24, 2010 Author Posted March 24, 2010 I'm going to go out on a limb here and say something you probably won't like. She's being wishy-washy because you are wishy-washy.... . sometimes I feel I am. Recently Ive told her I dont want to talk right now, and that I dont want to be apart of her situation with other people. She told me but why cant we just talk...I love talking with you in everyway and I cant just not talk to you. Well my mistake, I talked to her again within the next couple of days....and so I feel as though maybe I havn't been holding my ground. This last weekend on saturday was her birthday, I talked to her last wednesday and just said hope you have a good b-day etc etc. since then I havn't said anything to her, already shes tried calling me yesterday, and today she sent me a couple texts telling me about a dream she had lastnight....and later today one asking me a question about a project she is currently working on. Now tonight she sends me another texts "well I take that as you dont want to talk to me, Hope you had a good day" I guess my concern is maybe I have been to "wishy washy" already to even keep thinking that NC will work....Feel like the boy who cried wolf almost. Since Ive told her already to not talk to me, but always somehow we end up talking soon after. Idk, I guess its time to cut the chains for good now, and see what happens. On a dif note, on my way out to another females, I already know it will be a good time
boogieboy Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 I been where you are ranse, and she is not coming back to you. My ex said all the same things yours did. She is telling you anything you want to hear so that she can keep control of you, and not allow you to move on before she can handle it. If you get a gf right now, it will rip her apart inside. But she has no intention of going back to you. You dont want her anyway, you'll see this soon. She wants to make sure you dont get over her before she gets over you. She wants to keep talking to you to help her get over you faster, shes done this before. Thats why she talks to you every day. She knows its torture, its also been done to her before. Its also why shes telling you about her F*ck buddy, helps her process. You can stop this by completely ignoring her. Go back to NC, and this time, you HAVE to resist answering her calls, but this time for YOU not for her. Its the only way you will get over her. And dont hope that she will come back to you, its been 8 months and she wont, especially when she doesnt have to miss you, by not being allowed to talk to you.
DustySaltus Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 She wants to make sure you dont get over her before she gets over you. Well said. She's getting her emotional fix from you and her physical fix from someone else. All of her motives are self-serving.
Author ranse Posted March 24, 2010 Author Posted March 24, 2010 She's keeping you as a backup plan. You continue to let her do that. Stop talking to her on the phone. Have ONE more conversation with her explaining to her that you are not ok with the situation and for her to CEASE ALL contact with you at this point. Let her beg, scratch and plea all she wants. Focus on you. So a bit of an update, I had this convo with her today. I havn't been talking to her the past few days at all, not replying to anything and not answering her calls, this morning I wake up and there is a voicemail from her saying "Its obvious that you dont want to talk to me and thats fine but can you at least let me know whats going on? If theres another woman I dont care but just let me know" hmmm well it was good to know that she has been thinking about it, but I felt I needed to let her know whats going on. I called her back and explained to her that Im not going to be around if she is going to keep screwing other people then turn around and talk to me like nothing is going on. Also telling her that she hasn't been herself and i dont like seeing that. She began getting upset and told me that she wishes she could just be here with me etc. etc. and that shes sorry for making me feel like she has. And she continued to say that it just doesn't feel right to just cut me out of her life. I feel the same way, but its done I cannot keep puting up with that. I would go through hell to be with her. I care about her to damn much? She tried playing the card of "well what do you want me to do? just sit here by myself and do nothing untill I move down there?" I told her I dont want her to do anything I just cannot keep sitting here watching you do what you are doing, its not right. eventually if you decide that being with me will make you the happiest, then I will be glad to talk to you.....She told me that she understands, and out of no where she says she likes the fact that Im doing this for my own happiness... I feel better about this, my only concern is that I dont want her to think I dont care about her, and am completely giving up on this situation, because I am not. So we will see what happens after today, I guess its either she will go completely astray and finally move on, or maybe she will realize something and be back. Thanks for the replies everyone.....
paperchase Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 ...."Its obvious that you dont want to talk to me and thats fine but can you at least let me know whats going on? If theres another woman I dont care but just let me know" hmmm well it was good to know that she has been thinking about it, but I felt I needed to let her know whats going on. I called her back and explained to her that Im not going to be around if she is going to keep screwing other people....She told me that she understands, and out of no where she says she likes the fact that Im doing this for my own happiness...I dont want her to think I dont care about her, and am completely giving up on this situation, because I am not. ..... Ok, let's decode this. You're ignoring me and I don't like it. I don't care if you have someone else (so do I) but I do need to know that on some level you still pine for me. You did not owe her an explanation and providing her with one was a mistake. Telling her that you aren't going to be around is merely lip service because actions speak louder than words and you are still around. After the lip service she proceeded to say good for you which I find patronizing considering how much she knows you love her and your obvious unwillingness to move on. My advice is to cut her off completely. I don't think at this point it will make her chase you for any reason other than a selfish need to have her ego stroked, but eventually you will find it empowering and helpful in the healing process. You definitely need to heal and move on because this relationship is going nowhere.
Rearden Metal Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 I mostly agree with paperchase, although I think you handled it rather well, ranse. The important part is to ACTUALLY go NC and follow through on your words.
Author ranse Posted March 24, 2010 Author Posted March 24, 2010 so i just got a random message from her, it was a video to warren zevons "keep me in your heart for awhile"......really? why
ukguy1985 Posted March 25, 2010 Posted March 25, 2010 honestly just block her or change your number etc. most women enjoy doing this.
Author ranse Posted April 12, 2010 Author Posted April 12, 2010 Is there any hope in this situation? Ive been no contact with her since the last time Ive posted, the only time we talked was to get a shirt that got left at her place. 3 texts between her and I, I asked if she could send the shirt, she said is that the only reason you are talking to me, I replied idk how to answer, i just need that shirt (it was kind of an important shirt) ha sounds ridiculous but, I needed the shirt. Newho well now I just want to talk to her and I feel like I should talk to her to see whats been going on, Idk if the NC was the right thing to do. I guess I just keep going. I just have trouble seeing past everything thats been going on since we talked about it in the past. And I dont want to make the mistake of breaking it off, when she might have every intention of eventually getting back together. I know NC and getting over her is what most will say, but is there any chance here? should I contact her?
DustySaltus Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 Is there any hope in this situation? Ive been no contact with her since the last time Ive posted, the only time we talked was to get a shirt that got left at her place. 3 texts between her and I, I asked if she could send the shirt, she said is that the only reason you are talking to me, I replied idk how to answer, i just need that shirt (it was kind of an important shirt) ha sounds ridiculous but, I needed the shirt. Newho well now I just want to talk to her and I feel like I should talk to her to see whats been going on, Idk if the NC was the right thing to do. I guess I just keep going. I just have trouble seeing past everything thats been going on since we talked about it in the past. And I dont want to make the mistake of breaking it off, when she might have every intention of eventually getting back together. I know NC and getting over her is what most will say, but is there any chance here? should I contact her? Ranse, re-read what I wrote to you. She needs to come back to you and say that SHE made a MISTAKE and is willing to do whatever it takes to work through the issues that lead to the breakup. She's looking for an ego boost when she says...."is that all you're contacting me for?" The only alternative for NC is for HER to come on very strong, not you. She hasn't done that, so you have to stick with it for your own sanity.
Author ranse Posted April 13, 2010 Author Posted April 13, 2010 Thanks for the feedback dusty, Im doing what I can to maintain NC. My only thought and maybe its just me, I keep thinking that since she has so much respect for the fact that I told her I don't want to talk to her that she wont contact me until I give her an opening. And the same time her taking it as "I have to get over him since theres nothing here anymore". Idk... NC continues and guess its natural to have these thoughts.
Author ranse Posted April 13, 2010 Author Posted April 13, 2010 Also just a side note apparently for the initial week of NC she was posting songs up like alan jackson "its just that way" a song she told me b4 wen we were talking describes us to her. She was also posting blake sheltons "ps this is austin" another song we listened to quite a bit b4. (Check those two out if u don't know them) Maybe I just read into things to much, but to me that means something, doesn't it? More than her looking for an ego boost.
DustySaltus Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 Ranse, you are actually not in NC mode at this point. You are supposed to delete her from your phone, facebook, email...etc... Again, for your own sanity. She's playing games. Watch, delete her from facebook and you'll get a call in the next few days. Not because she wants to work things out but because she wants that ego boost again. That's not a HEALTHY way of fixing things and definetly not a healthy way of moving on for yourself.... It's completely natural to overanalyze when you are in NC mode, just try and keep your mind occupied with things you enjoy as well as things you would like to accomplish. Love is stronger than pride but she's too stuck in her ways to realize that. Stick to NC and continue to post here...
Author ranse Posted April 20, 2010 Author Posted April 20, 2010 So april 13th I delete her from FB completely, the friday after that I ran into her downtown (in a town between where she lives and I live) I was out with friends and she was out with friends as well, this is not a regular hang out for either her or I... She started talking to me and I did what I could to ignore her, but it was all night...She told me that she doesn't want to continue not being able to talk to me and she wants to work things out between us... I am not sure what to think anymore, as I am goin to be out of the state for the next few months for work...When I move back here in August she is supposed to be living in the town I am at now for school. She says she cares about me and that its hard for her to conitinue living as she is, and that she thinks its only best for us to wait untill we live closer to really work on things. For now, she continues to do what she wants, as any girl her age and single would do. I understand that. Seems like its just going round and round, and no matter how hard I try NC it gets blown up.....I was talking to a friend of mine who is pritty close to me and he told me that (he works in the town that she lives) while at work she came in and started talking to him about me, and he said she told him that the only thing holding her back right now is forgetting about things in the past, but she loves me and wants to be with me. I cant change what happend just change me and make sure I do what I need to do. So with that, Im not sure were this is all going. I guess I just continue to live for me for now. I dk if I should continue to keep in touch with her while Im away after our convo the other night, or just go NC while Im away...It shouldn't be nagging at me like this. damn
boogieboy Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 This is very easy. why waste time if she knows she wants to be with me? and is all the shii she has been sending me just shi? Talking to her about this I tend to believe its genuinely how she feels. At the same time I feel as though she is lost, maybe the guy she is with is developing into something more? and she is just having a hard time dealing with feelings left over for me. I just dont understand why she would send me those things, while she was screwing this other guy, and tell me she loved me, and as of wednesday, she still says that she wants to work things out eventually. Its all because She tells you anything she can to: 1.) Keep in control of you - keep you on the hook 2.) Keep you from moving on, which she would have a hard time handling 3.) keep you confused and on hold until she is completely over you. btw #3 doesnt mean that she isnt over you enough to want to really try again. Anything she says about trying again is crap. You need to stick to NC, move on, and forget about her. Even if she moved to where you are, and you got back together, she will break it off with you again. Dont put yourself through that. She knows that she doesnt want to be with you. Dont believe anything she says to manipulate you. She knows exactly how she feels, and that is to start over with someone new.
Author ranse Posted April 20, 2010 Author Posted April 20, 2010 -You've got a major month ahead of you, Virgo, brought to you courtesy of startling Uranus and your very own planet, conversational Mercury, both of whom will turn retrograde - backward, that is - in August. Uranus will back up on the 13th - straight into Pisces and your house of relationships. Then, on the 20th, Mercury will do the same retro-dance in your sign. Between them, there's just no way that at least one person from the past won't try their best to reenter your life. If you're game, have new solutions to the old problems that drove you apart.- I know these dont mean much but a bit comical..
Recommended Posts