mom2fo Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 My boyfriend and I have been through a lot together. Loss of loved ones, sickness, everything. And we have the most wonderful 3 year old son.. But he doesn't want to marry me. Just talking about getting engaged puts him into defensive mode... I don't know what to do. He is my best friend and I love him so much.. As crazy as it sounds I still get butterflies in my stomach when he walks thru the door and light headed when we kiss.. But I have always wanted to get married to him. I was completely against the whole idea of marriage and kids until him.. We have the kid and I still want to marry him.. I just don't think it will ever happen. I don't want to give him an ultimatum because I don't want to lose him. The thought of losing him is enough to crush me... Its hard to describe.. I don't think I could ever feel this way about another person.. Ya know what I mean? Been thinking about this a lot.. Ever since my dad died this past october.. Just a few days before he died.. My dad asked him when he was going to marry me and he couldn't even answer him. I feel so torn because I do want. B t him an. Only him forever and at the same time there is this naggi feeling that he doesn't feel the same way. I know I deserve someone who cares for me thesame way I do for them.. But I want it to be him.
TaraMaiden Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 He doesn't want to get married. You do. Potential deal-breaker. Why do you want to get married? Convention? Conformity? The big white glitzy special day (which costs thousands, and has a certificate that doesn't come with any guarantees at all...)? Religion? You won't get him to change his mind. Why should he? Just because you want it? he's happy as you are, why rock the boat? You're either going to have to get over it, or get over him. That is your choice, plain and simple. because short of holding a smith and Wesson to his head, he's not going to do it.
bubbles5 Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 Hi there , it seems he is afraid of tagging him ur "Husband". But u should try and talk to him n ask ur bf no need of getting defensive abt it, and still he reacts inappropriate way then I think u should ask a help of a frnd who is quite cool with ur bf besides u , to whom he share his feelings n stuff, a mum or some1.Secondly he may have commitment problem , and may be not also since he is with u, and with ur baby.. Yes I agree the fear remains that someday ppl leave, just bcos not married but ppl leave even if they are married.Talk to him calmly dont nag him. He may have some financial issue or something,,
TaraMaiden Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 Could somebody decipher the above post for me?
speechiekeen Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 Why should he marry you? He gets sex, you help pay bills, you clean, you take care of his kid. How would marriage change that? As Dr. Laura would say, "you are an un-paid whore". I know it sounds unsensitive but you give him no reason to make a commitment. You are afraid of loosing him, but how can you loose something that you don't have? He can at any time up and leave you and your baby, the best you can do is go to court for child support. You have more than yourself to think about. You sound like you know what you need to do. Is it due to a lack of money, lack of confidence, or just a feeling that you do not deserve to be loved. Trust your intuition. Start looking for true love...someone who will step up and be a man and love you like you deserve to be loved. Keep him around and use him until you find something better. Do it before he does.
Neutrino Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 What is his reason ? Is it an objection to the ceremony itself ? Is it that he generally doesn't want to get married or specifically that he doesn't want to get married to you ? I object to the wedding ceremony itself (so I totally understand that view point) it originally started from religion (which I strongly object to) and anyway I don't feel I need the permission of some clerk to the way I choose to live my life.... if my BF came to me after a 7-year relationship and pressurized me to get married I would seriously wonder how well at all he bothered to get to know me.... And a small note : the dramatic statements of "only him forever and ever" and "my life is nothing without him" are enough to make anyone feel claustrophobic....
DaisyLeigh Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 I agree, somewhat, with the Dr Laura post. What is his motivation to marry you? However... If you continue to live with him, and he does not want to get married and you accept that, you might want to cover yourselves legally. As in, signing papers giving each other the authority to act on the behalf of the other in case of illness or death, etc. Make sure you have wills drawn up. If you don't, if he were to become ill and incapacitated, his family could shut you out and you would have no recourse. If he dies, his family would likely be the ones to make final arrangements, unless it happens after your child is an adult. You have no say and no rights. It is the same with him. If he is not willing to do even the things mentioned above, then I would reconsider a relationship with him.
ADF Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 A man who isn't ready to marry you after 7 years together is a man who just doesn't want to get married, period. To understand why, you have to put this in perspective. There was a time when a man needed to get married to achieve full adult personhood. If a man wanted to have a sex life, to live with a woman, to enjoy the respect of family, community, and employers, he had to get married. That isn't true anymore. There is nothing a man might want--love, sex, companionship--that he needs marriage in order to get. Nothing. For men, the incentives to marry are basically gone. Today, rather than see marriage as their ticket to adulthood, men often associate marriage with the end of their youth, the death of their freedom, and dread financial ruin in the case of divorce. More and more men are weighing the pros and cons of marriage and saying, "no thanks."
Mr White Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 A man who isn't ready to marry you after 7 years together is a man who just doesn't want to get married, period. To understand why, you have to put this in perspective. There was a time when a man needed to get married to achieve full adult personhood. If a man wanted to have a sex life, to live with a woman, to enjoy the respect of family, community, and employers, he had to get married. That isn't true anymore. There is nothing a man might want--love, sex, companionship--that he needs marriage in order to get. Nothing. For men, the incentives to marry are basically gone. Today, rather than see marriage as their ticket to adulthood, men often associate marriage with the end of their youth, the death of their freedom, and dread financial ruin in the case of divorce. More and more men are weighing the pros and cons of marriage and saying, "no thanks." Being married for a man used to be an indication that he is "making it", that he is or will be on his way up, become more influential etc. Ironically, in many cases today is just the opposite - married men often look ragged and worn down and hard to take seriously, why the single guys are out there kicking ass... But yes, if he hasn't done it for 7 years, he just doesn't want to get married. Depending on where you live this may not make that much difference, since in some states a common law laws apply, which attach some marriage-like constraints to cohabitation.
Samantha0905 Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 Well, you've been together seven years and you're the mother of his children. If he hasn't asked by now and reacts negatively when you bring up the subject, he more than likely does not want to get married. I would not want to be married to someone who did not want to marry me. I would not continue to live with someone who refused to marry me. For that matter, I would not have moved in with him in the first place or allowed him to move in with me. I don't mean that in a judgmental way. It just would not be for me. I would definitely want to be married if there was a child involved in the relationship. That's just me again though. What do you want? It sounds like you want to be married -- and obviously to him. Is it a deal breaker for you? You can't force someone to marry you. You have to do what is right for you. He'll do what's right for him and if the two don't mesh well, decisions need to be made. I would not compromise in this situation. What are his reasons for not wanting to get married? And yes -- you do deserve someone who feels the same way about you.
quankanne Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 Just talking about getting engaged puts him into defensive mode ... I was completely against the whole idea of marriage and kids until him. you went into the relationship saying you didn't want marriage, you didn't want kids and he probably thought, "Cool. I don't have to be shackled down" and he most likely was happy that he didn't have to be publicly committed to you, just "with" you. then, somewhere along the way, you changed your viewpoint and decided that you wanted marriage and family, and he probably didn't, so now he's angry because you "changed" the rules of the game without his input. You now want something you said you never did, and he still wants things to remain just like they are: Being with you, but not being married to you.
Author mom2fo Posted March 23, 2010 Author Posted March 23, 2010 Quankanne, It was actually the opposite.. He was the one always talking about having kids and geTting married.. We moved intogether after six months of dating. So after nearly 4 years of dating we found out I was pregnant.. I was freaking out and wanted no part of it.. He was happy and convinced me it was best to have the baby.. I did.. Something changed in him after that.. I mean he is a great dad and talks about wanting another.. But the marriage idea has changed.. He bought me a ring too.. I found it two years ago.. Hidden in his sock drawer.. And to this day it is still there.. Has our initials engraved in it and every thing... I just don't know anymore... Like I did something wrong so now he doesn't want too... Or now that he knows I want to have the same last name as he and my son. Be a wife.. I am not it.. I just don't know...
MalachiX Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 Why should he marry you? He gets sex, you help pay bills, you clean, you take care of his kid. How would marriage change that? As Dr. Laura would say, "you are an un-paid whore". Yeah, Dr. Laura probably would say that. On the other hand, Dr. Laura is a self-impressed and self-ritious biggot who isn't even a real doctor. Perhaps the OP shouldn't live her life by what Dr. Laura would say.
shadowofman Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 There could be any number of reason for a persons objection to marriage. Personally, I am not religious. I care little for a state sanction. I am highly committed so I am in a long term relationship, but I am a very pessimistic person. If my relationship fails, why would I want the added headache of divorce? There is absolutely no benefit in my mind. Receiving pressure from a partner to get married leaves a bad taste in my mouth as well. My gf in high school was aggressive in this manner and it eventually lead to my distaste for any relationship. My current "wife" talked much about marriage at first, but she has accepted my disinterest.
DaisyLeigh Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 Yeah, Dr. Laura probably would say that. On the other hand, Dr. Laura is a self-impressed and self-ritious biggot who isn't even a real doctor. Perhaps the OP shouldn't live her life by what Dr. Laura would say. I am not a fan either. But she makes a good point. What, exactly, would be this man's motivation to marry?
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