Wantmarriage Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 Just been reading through all the emails in regards to why doesn't he marry me and it truly make me wonder. Does this mean that if he doesn’t propose in 2 years that he probably won’t and he’s not that into you? ARGGGGGG! Maybe I should break it off now. Is he just using me? Sorry I am rambling…but here's my situation…I have been out of relationships for years and never really was into the living together thing before marriage due to religious reasons. In September 2008, I met my man and sparks flew etc. We seemed so right for each other and I still think this and we both love each other a lot and have similar aspirations for the rest of our life. He has had a kid from a previous relationship that makes me think he will take his time in proposing to me as this ex gave him and continues to give him hell. We agreed from the beginning that we were mature enough not to play games and I told him from the get go that I was looking for eventual marriage so he was under no false pretences. I think at the age of 33 I can do that! I will be 35 and him 37 this year. He had a lot of #### going on in his childhood and has been tried to renovate the house we are currently living in for years. When I read the other posts about how the guys say they are not financially secure enough to marry reminds me so much of what he goes on about daily. I truly feel like I am going through some kind of test that if I don’t live up to being a financial partner in his life he just won’t marry me. He does mention regularly that if we don’t build this house we won’t have anything in a way that puts enormous pressure on me. Like if I don’t design the kitchen right I gonna let the team down. This house thing has been going on for 7 years way before my time but I feel I now have to burden it and his previous failures all at the same time. This is why when he asks me to complete a task with the house, I work industriously on the plans or deliver items to council or whatever it is that will take us that step closer to house completion. This is bizarre because he talks about weddings, babies and retirement together fairly frequently as if it will be inevitable. Of course I ask myself, if he really wanted to marry me wouldn’t he just not care about all this other ####? It does come up every now and then when he says that he has found the right girl as if he is still thinking about it out loud... I also have a lovely sister to compare myself too. They met in Feb 2004, engaged in Aug 2004 and married in Jan 2005!! Also my mother says she married my father within 3 month of meeting!!! Am I going to wait for nothing…what is wrong with me? Tears… I would also like to say that yes for some reason many women want marriage and not just a live with you day by day scenario....just hoping... I don't know why we want that official bit of paper but it can do our head in if it never seems apparant.
bubbles5 Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 You shoud threat ur bf abt getting married or else end this thing.He may not be so much interested in this marriage thing bcos he already had divorce or may b break up b4 so for him its not that important whether u get married or not. Its more of staying n trusting each other. But let him know that how much marriage means to u n tell him that u can continue to plan out things even after marriage. Just tell him u cant keep waiting all time , its not necessary that u get married after 6months 3 months etc. Marriage can happen at time when both couple agree n want it. Dont compare urself with ur family n other ppl. Deal this marriage issue with ur bf. Tell him that its important to u just as his son is important to him.
Author Wantmarriage Posted March 24, 2010 Author Posted March 24, 2010 Thanks bubbles5. It makes me think, especially when he mentioned again this weekend about how he is only getting married to someone who helps us progress etc. It sounds so negative in relation to our relationship even though I am doing the best I can and working my little heart out. I didn't mention that I am already doing all his washing, dishes, cleaning the house, buying all the food, make tea most nights, half paying bills (including rates), letting him use my car for work ( he has a greater distance to get there) whilst I ride my bike ( I am still paying for insurance and rego on this car) assisting with the house planning, and now required to plan the bl#### kitchen and bathrooms in the pretext that the new house will be both mine and his. He is a teacher and works most nights but hey I work full time as well and end up with extremely sore feet and legs most nights of the week. I am feeling a LITTLE insecure and under appreciated about this flimsy arrangement as I am not engaged to him and apparently won't be until I can prove myself...well that's how I feel...come on...I think he is getting the best deal here...but he can't even admit that...it's like...well he half expects me to pull this magic housewife trick out all the time...you know..how easy for him to string me along forever Yeah I know...I should leave...but the heart is unfortunately involved
WalkInThePark Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 I think you should not suffer silence. Just tell him that marriage is important for you and that you don't want to wait for years before it will happen. And that you don't want to hear him talk about marriage and kids when you are not sure what he thinks about a marrying you. Do not accept that he tests you by checking how much you want to contribute to his house. If this house is HIS, by no means should you financially contribute. This is the most stupid thing someone can do. Never pay for real estate that is not yours. If you break up and there is no proof of your arrangement on paper, then the money you put in this house is gone. I don't know what country you are living in, but if you contribute financially to the house, then have something registered. Will he ever propose? There are no iron laws on this. It's not because he did not propose after 2 years that he won't propose after 2 more years. I have seen that guys often have their own timing in these things. A friend of mine was anxious that her bf would marry her but he did not want to get married yet because after he studiedfor a PhD his social life was at a standstill. He did not want to get married yet because he said he did not have enough friends to invite to the wedding. Just to show you what is on a man's mind sometimes... BTW, he has proposed in the mean time and it was at a moment she was less anxious about it. And now they have been engaged for more than a year and they are so busy that they have not yet found a date. But I am sure they will marry sometime this year or next year... Talk to your boyfriend and try to understand what his position is.
WalkInThePark Posted March 24, 2010 Posted March 24, 2010 now required to plan the bl#### kitchen and bathrooms in the pretext that the new house will be both mine and his. This is not good. You can't contribute to a house of which there is only a vague promise that it will be yours in the future. Stop this. This is about fairness not about getting married or not. Do not contribute to a house that is not yours. I would never do that. Is he also asking you for rent to live in his house? I hope not, because it would give me the feeling that this guy uses you to sponsor him. This is how I would always do it if I live together in a house that is his or mine. - the partner who does not possess the house pays no rent, does not pay for works, does not pay any costs related to the property of the house - the partner who does not possess the house pays half of the other bills. Maybe some bills he/she pays 100% as a kind of compensation for living for free. - the partner who does not possess the house pays for holidays and fun events because he/she has more money than the other one. Once you decide to register your partnership or to marry, it's a different ballgame and then you can share everything.
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