OrangeKin Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 Hi everyone.. I wanted to ask your advice on this matter, cheating H and I have been NC for a few weeks now. Well really LC because we have a young daughter together. But I don't talk to him unless it's about our child and financial matters. NC was so, so hard for me but I stuck to it, when I was alone I cried, screamed, felt sorry for myself and hated life for a long while. I'm doing better.. I didn't believe I would get to this point, it's still hard, and I still fight back tears at work, but I'm better than I was. Anyway, the last time we talked beyond superficial greetings and logistics I had just discovered his EA (possible PA) and was absolutely stricken with pain, humiliation, anger, etc. I lost control completely and made a fool of myself. I said many things I didn't mean including "I should just go out and find a fling of my own" etc. I didn't mean it. I don't want his last impression of me to be this pathetic, bitter, screaming harpy. I've kept my cool during all our encounters since then, I just want to get over this and begin to heal and move on.. but I feel like we haven't had our closure. I want to show him the 180 me.. but we haven't had the chance to sit and speak our minds. I want to know whether or not he has a new girlfriend (the thought is bugging me like crazy, sad I know).. I want to tell him that I'm not seeing anyone like he thinks, that I probably will be alone for a long time. I'm sure I want to go our separate ways. Does anyone understand my need (or supposed need) for us to sit and say our pieces? Or should I just let LC go on for a little longer.. is it too soon to have the Closure Talk? What do you all think? Sorry for the long post, please I need your advice.. thanks..
Gunny376 Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 Most want and need closure but never get it. Its worth the effort to ask him for it. I would suggest perhaps with a neutral third party such as a MC just so things don't get out of hand. Or perhaps a pastor with experience in MC, but most definitely not a mutual friend, or an exclusive friend or family member. I'm curious as to how you plan to do this, and where? Certainly there's the chance of your "allergies" kicking in and making your eyes water. So Starbucks probally wouldn't be a good place. Even if he did agree to it, be prepared to hear half-truths, denial, outright lies, and even a complete re-writing of the history of the marriage ~ straight out of "The Cheaters Handbook!
D-Lish Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 As much as you think you might want to know if he is seeing someone else, you don't want to know, trust me. It's one thing to deal with the "wondering", it's another thing to deal with "knowing".
Gunny376 Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 As much as you think you might want to know if he is seeing someone else, you don't want to know, trust me. It's one thing to deal with the "wondering", it's another thing to deal with "knowing". Your on a role tonight! To bad you and I aren't in Veges, I'd bet those 'snake-eyes" you would call!
floridapad Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 Orangekin. It is so soon to be looking for closure but I can certinly understand why. I'm not sure if there will be anything that is said that will give you complete closure. We all want that magic bullet that gives us "closure" but there is none. It takes time and resolve and a little discussion with the ex but IMHO it is a bit soon to think you are going to get complete closure but one never knows It's perfectly normal to want to know if he has a GF. Perhaps you want to know so you can have closure? Closure is a process. Please keep that in mind. It's rarely an overnight thing. If you feel like you want to speak with him then do it. It's a process you will have to go through.
onedayatatyme Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 I think I understand your need for closure. When my W had her affair and announced she wanted to split, I felt like it came out of left field. I was disoriented, confused, hurt, scared and bewildered. We've spent three months now trying to see if there is anything to be salvaged. In that time I feel like I have been able to go through all five stages of grief (although I occasionally revisit each of them). I have reached a point of acceptance for the way things are. If we had just split suddenly and gone NC, I would not have gotten many of the answers I needed to move on. I'm not saying NC is a bad thing. I wish I had been strong enough to go full NC and give it to her with both barrels. It could have been a much better thing for our relationship. Or I might not have closure but be farther along the process of true healing within myself and moving on to something different.
Author OrangeKin Posted March 22, 2010 Author Posted March 22, 2010 Gunny - Wow thanks for your advice. I'd never have thought of having a mediator so to speak.. but it makes sense. I didn't know you could go to MC while pushing through with a divorce.. the more I think about it the more I want to do it.. has anyone else done that before? D-Lish - You're right, and anyway my gut is telling me the answer already. Floridapad - Thank you for helping me with my expectations. I'm in so much pain I wanted so bad to believe there would be a Talk and the hurt would magically lessen. Hearing it from someone who's been there really helps. Oneday - Yes that makes sense.. I suppose we can't have it all and have to prioritize true healing vs. the much-needed comfort. I'm scared to talk to him, and 1) break LC. I feel like it will make me weak, or look weak and 2) be lied to and hurt again. I never knew it then but I was gaslighted so bad by this guy in the past. I know a part of me will always believe when he says he's sorry (I think he's only sorry he got caught.. he never freely admitted to anything. I had to figuratively fight him into a corner until he confessed.) A small part will always think we love each other, we get along so well together, were such good friends, etc... All the good things. Well I am seeing a lawyer for the first time in a few hours. I am so, so scared. You guys have helped me more than you know.. thanks.
Gunny376 Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 Just let the MC know that its about closure, and that you want/need them there as a mediatior for such. I would schedule it for the afternoon, and let the MC know about how much time they should schedule?
curiou Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 Hi OrangeKin I don't think there is such a thing as a closure talk. I think it probably just serves to create more heartache, questions, doubts, etc. Your wanting to show him your 180 self suggests to me that you're still blaming yourself for the affair, and you're trying to show him you're a better person now so he should come back. That's just devaluing yourself. I firmly believe both people contribute to affairs in some way (in most cases, unless you're with a lech), but the fact of the matter is, one of the persons did the cheating. That's pretty bad. You ARE showing him your 180 by just having limited or no contact. Showing him your coolness, even your happiness, confidence, better health and outlook on life, new clothes, etc. Somebody else said it's better not to know if there's a girlfriend. I agree. I mean, he's already cheated, right? Just assume he has one. Don't kill yourself wondering what she has that you don't. I'll tell you: She has a lech.
sumdude Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 I just don't know about anything that's closure... I know about the grief, then acceptance then moving on bit by bit. No matter what they say it doesn't change anything they did and invariably the real truth will never really come out. Which may or may not be for the better. The only thing that gets closed is a chapter in your life.
2sure Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 I dont think "Closure" as people describe and expect , exists. The circumstances we want "closure" to are usually painful life events. A conversation, a last word, etc doesnt do much to help the healing process. So often, I hear people claiming they want closure after good-bye had already been said ...more than once. They continue to require closure because they are not yet satisfied with the outcome. Either because the other didnt say the words they wanted to hear or because they still feel hurt or guilty. The only closure Ive ever had was shutting a door.
Author OrangeKin Posted March 26, 2010 Author Posted March 26, 2010 Oh my god. Someone please help me.. I feel like my world has crashed down around me again. I discovered H has gotten back in touch with the woman I caught him cheating on me with for the first time. It's been almost 2 years since their A. I suppose that now we're separated he wants her to come visit for a quick easy screw. Oh my god I'm trying to heal from the two most recent girls in his radar.. now I find this and it's like ripping open a long, deep scar. I couldn't believe how hard it hit me when I found out. Someone please help, I saw a counselor earlier today, we talked about what has been going on with me, she said my H seems to have symptoms of borderline personality. I almost laughed.. Then I later find out he's gotten back in touch with this girl.. it seems he's told her he's now separated (effectively saying available!!) and is very interested in seeing her again. WTF how many girls is he trying to hook up with. It makes me feel so sick.. I just want to feel okay and normal again.. I know rebounds are NOT the way to go but I feel like, if it will lessen the pain, I will go for it and hate myself in the morning. I just feel like I want to be numb. I want to ask him to go to IC.. because I think he has a huge problem.. What do I do? Please help.. I am hurting so much I don't know what to do. Please please.
Author OrangeKin Posted March 26, 2010 Author Posted March 26, 2010 Wow, I really let myself get carried away for a second.. I wrote it all out, had a good cry, sat and thought for a bit. Yes separated means he can see other people.. I guess I just suddenly felt the way I did when I first found out about them.. Sorry for the melodrama.. I am feeling a little better. The fact that it affected me so much, does that mean I want my STBXH more than I realize? Because that's a really defeating thought..
Gunny376 Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 (edited) It means you've got a history , bio-chemical dependency on him, (that can be subsistuted with somone better and more worthy of your affections) It means you can do better than this scum-bag of a used condom! It means that your not his own peronsal VLSS ~ Vaginal Life Support System, nor his own personal sperm depository! It means your an actual living, breathing, feeling, caring HUMAN BEING that deserves better than what you've got, and even if that means living the rest of your life without him? So freaking be it! Your better off without this scumbag. It means you need to reach down in the gutter and gather up your self respect, self diginity, self pride! It means you need to look this SOB in the eye! Spit in his eye! And tell him! "You know what! You can just kiss my @ZZ! I'd rather be a drunk, crack-head, wino male prostitute charging a freaking quarter a draw, sleeping in a hollow log, drinking muddy water, and eating road kill? Than to scarifice my self respect, honor, dignity! That's not my saying you've done so OP! That's me saying? I'd walk! Edited March 26, 2010 by Gunny376
Author OrangeKin Posted March 28, 2010 Author Posted March 28, 2010 Thanks, Gunny. I'm pretty embarrassed for breaking down like that.. for anyone else that's interested, it felt like I was having an episode of post traumatic stress.. going back to the place I was when I first found out. And there was no one around to ground me, just me by myself flailing around in a storm with no life preserver. I haven't felt that way, or anything close to that way, since. It was like cauterizing a wound. After the first shock and pain it's much better than it was before. I've come to the realization that, one of the parts of 180 that says to "don't give up, keep going, no matter how hard it gets, no matter how bad you feel," is absolutely good advice. This was one of those times. I hope someone else reads this that might be going through something similar: you really come out the other side okay. Just give yourself time.
ADF Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 The search for "closure" is usually a fruitless one. Closure is a myth. People who say they are seeking closure are often, consciously or unconsciously, looking for a new opening. Some part of them hopes the old relationship can be saved or rekindled. It is a waste of time. Better to learn to accept the fact life is full of indeterminate ending.
PWSX3 Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 Those feelings & ups & downs will come for a long time. You have gotten a lot of good advice here. I don't believe their is any closure, I'm coming up to my year anniversary of my divorce & I still don't feel like there is closure. Like someone else said; if he cheated he will NOT give you an honest answer. That is only done by people that except what they did & work on what they did. Been their done that & I'm still working on me. You can only control what is inside your skin, so trying to get any type of closer with him is impossible.
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