fantasy2000 Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 On a number of occasions in the past my wife will be explaining something to me and she will get upset because she says I am not listening. When she points it out I realize that she is right I am not listening. I have unconsciously tuned her out. I am not trying to be funny about this. It makes me mad at myself. After, discussing this with some male friends I have come to believe that women are sometimes conditioned to express emotion more than men when explaining things. Some men see the emotion as a trigger to tune out. It is similar to the thinking that if a person is panicking then they cannot be expected to be talking or thinking rationally. I have changed my behavior to use some of the emotions she expresses as a trigger to listen carefully rather than to tune out. This kind of unconscious behavior can cause a lot of problems in relationships. In my case it gave the impression that I didn't care about what she was talking about which was not so.
whichwaytogo Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 my beau and i just had this discussion today....nothing serious, but we were making light of it. he does not listen to me all the time-and it doesnt even have to be something important. for example, gave him a list when he went to the store. needed a specific item brand...he came back with the exact brand i told him NOT to buy. i know he just tuned me out for some reason. that was no biggie, but sometimes we can be having a conversation. he is discussing....for the sake of this discussion, let's say mexican food. i then bring up baseball and talk for about 10 mins about baseball. his next comment?? is about mexican food. then i know he tuned me out because that is not the flow of discussion. if he were listening, his next comment would pertain to what i was discussing. that part of the 'not listening' mode kinda pisses me off. it makes me feel like what i have to say doesnt matter to him. *sigh*
JaneInVegas Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 I get the impression my SO listens to me less than 50% of the time. Sometimes I think if I yelled "FIRE!" he would just lean over and pick up the remote to turn up the volume.
Samantha0905 Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 I can think of one occasion when I discussed spending money on an item which cost a couple of thousand dollars. I asked if it was okay to purchase it and got the "Un Hunh" reaction. Later, to his dismay, I had spent $2,000.00 on an item and he claimed to have no idea....... On another occasion I expressed an attraction to a member of the opposite sex and why I thought this spelled trouble for our marriage I was having these feelings. Nine months later he told me he does not remember me making the statement. Ummmmm. Hello. LOL @ Jane about the remote and the volume. I get the pick up the remote, set it on pause while holding it in mid-air and then stare at me with hand remaining in position ready to hit the play button as soon as I shut up reaction.
Eve Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 On a number of occasions in the past my wife will be explaining something to me and she will get upset because she says I am not listening. When she points it out I realize that she is right I am not listening. I have unconsciously tuned her out. I am not trying to be funny about this. It makes me mad at myself. After, discussing this with some male friends I have come to believe that women are sometimes conditioned to express emotion more than men when explaining things. Some men see the emotion as a trigger to tune out. It is similar to the thinking that if a person is panicking then they cannot be expected to be talking or thinking rationally. I have changed my behavior to use some of the emotions she expresses as a trigger to listen carefully rather than to tune out. This kind of unconscious behavior can cause a lot of problems in relationships. In my case it gave the impression that I didn't care about what she was talking about which was not so. On the one hand I think it is good that you are trying to be more emotionally available but on the other hand I do think that sometimes a spouse has to wait and be mindful of the other persons capacity to hear them. For example, my hubby knows when I am not listening to him. This is nothing against him, its just sometimes I am simply away with the fairies and he has to wait for my attention. If I were to force my attention it would be pretentious. I suppose that we have just learned how to get each others attention over time and it is something that is respectfully communicated and not forced. So, if its not the right time, we dont get offended if the other says ,'not now Babes' or 'can we talk about this later.. I need to gather my thoughts' or whatever.. I am saying this because whatever you do, be careful that you are in fact expressing yourself and not just towing the line. This will include being careful that she (the Wife that is) is actually saying something worthwhile. I says this because looking at past relationships, when I started to 'not hear them' it was near the time for dumping them.. Of course I maybe being far too suspicious here.. but when people start getting overly needy it could be that they are being over reliant on you. The true test to see if your spouse still respects your space enough not to demand it is (in my mind) if you can tell them to 'get lost' or 'STFU' and they can handle this without drama. Hope you understand what I am getting at. Dont slide into the life of one of those whipped Husbands. Keep your backbone at all costs by being authentic and interesting. Take care, Eve xx
carhill Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 You'll find, generally, that the men who do (listen), when not conditioned/trained in this behavior by the women who have found the distant, unemotional man attractive and changed him, are not attractive. So, listen occasionally, but do not show too much interest. If she stops breathing, call 911
Eve Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 You'll find, generally, that the men who do (listen), when not conditioned/trained in this behavior by the women who have found the distant, unemotional man attractive and changed him, are not attractive. So, listen occasionally, but do not show too much interest. If she stops breathing, call 911 I find it strange when I see people demanding attention from each other. I have noted this with both genders and cringe when I think about my teenage relationships where I tested such behaviour for a time. Thankfully I am nearly complete in helping my teenage daughter refrain from such a pattern of communicating. Stranger still, I find it annoying when someone loses confidence because they are being badgered by someone who often doesnt even know what they want themselves! Life eh? Maybe once a person has pierced the others attentions span and tried to mould it to their own making the person lacks mystery and then its time to move on? All and all I find this a dysfunctional approach to relationships and have concluded that many do not see just what a slippery path they are on until its too late. Years of therapy then takes place, when really the simple act of asking for clarity in a timely way was all that was needed. I see this also in abusive relationships. Instead of dealing with the initial spark of mistreatment, things are allowed to grow. OP, forgive me if I am way off the mark here! I think I align dignity with self awareness mainly because I have found that people who want you to give up or open up yourself at their beckoning often are more flawed than they themselves know. Whatever happens, dont lose yourself within the act of being loving. Save some for later.. Take care, Eve xx
carhill Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 'Hon, American Idol is on' silence 'You wanted to know when your show was coming on' silence 'I'm having sex with your best friend' Oh, my show's on? True story. Incompatible
Eve Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 'Hon, American Idol is on' silence 'You wanted to know when your show was coming on' silence 'I'm having sex with your best friend' Oh, my show's on? True story. Incompatible At what point does this happen though? I am coming to see that some people are just ill matched due to nothing else other than probably their temperment. Take care, Eve xx
carhill Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 I first noticed that in about 2005, so about six years in. It probably always was there, but my love bank started becoming over-withdrawn in '05. Not a good year.... That said, such experiences help me empathize with women when they complain that their husbands don't hear them. I empathize, but not too much I've got a sense of humor about stbx. Both our people-pickers were off. No harm, no foul, she got a nice house and I got my sanity. It's good
JaneInVegas Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 'Hon, American Idol is on' silence 'You wanted to know when your show was coming on' silence 'I'm having sex with your best friend' Oh, my show's on? True story. Incompatible LMAO !!!
Samantha0905 Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 'Hon, American Idol is on' silence 'You wanted to know when your show was coming on' silence 'I'm having sex with your best friend' Oh, my show's on? True story. Incompatible LOLOL
carhill Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 (edited) 'You are not. Is the TiVo on?' All in perfect deadpan. For a good likeness, remarkably good likeness, check 1:45 minutes into Edited March 23, 2010 by carhill
Eve Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 I first noticed that in about 2005, so about six years in. It probably always was there, but my love bank started becoming over-withdrawn in '05. Not a good year.... That said, such experiences help me empathize with women when they complain that their husbands don't hear them. I empathize, but not too much I've got a sense of humor about stbx. Both our people-pickers were off. No harm, no foul, she got a nice house and I got my sanity. It's good Glad you are ok Carhill.. Next time around will hopefully be better. Glad you are not all twisted and serial killer-ish like some on here. .. Unfortunately I could not view the clip.. 'YouTube' is just about dead over here... but I can imagine what you are getting at. Take care, Eve xx
giotto Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 .. Unfortunately I could not view the clip.. 'YouTube' is just about dead over here... but I can imagine what you are getting at. Take care, Eve xx This video contains content from Carsey-Werner LLC, who has blocked it in your country on copyright grounds. Thanks a bunch! BTW, when TV is on and my wife is watching something, I can say what I like, she won't hear me. Some time ago we had a big blow-out about this... I went out and told her, but she got angry when I got back, claiming I hadn't told her! My 3 daughters are exactly the same...
Eve Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 This video contains content from Carsey-Werner LLC, who has blocked it in your country on copyright grounds. Thanks a bunch! BTW, when TV is on and my wife is watching something, I can say what I like, she won't hear me. Some time ago we had a big blow-out about this... I went out and told her, but she got angry when I got back, claiming I hadn't told her! My 3 daughters are exactly the same... Well, it could be that you shouldnt be disturbing them when their favourite programme is on! *Shudder* Hubby knows not to mess with me when 'Criminal Minds' is on... I would think he had lost his mind if he bothered me then. Now he is as addicted as I am. Same when 'Come Dine With Me' is on.. Even the kids shut up when thats on. Maybe I am just lazy but I cant be doing with attention ploys and thankfully neither can my Hubby! I did date someone previously who wanted to talk about 'us' all the time. He really got on my nerves and had to go in the end. WTF.. too creepy if you ask me. In the end he turned into a raging commitment phobe who turned up on my Wedding Day to my Hubby to convince me go go back to him! As if.. All is balance. I get suspicious of people who disturb what is naturally occurring peaceful balance. I suppose I dont think that we are supposed to generate interest all the time for our partners or even our children. Life is better left as a flow. You either flow or you dont. Take care, Eve xx
giotto Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 Well, it could be that you shouldnt be disturbing them when their favourite programme is on! *Shudder* Hubby knows not to mess with me when 'Criminal Minds' is on... I would think he had lost his mind if he bothered me then. Now he is as addicted as I am. Same when 'Come Dine With Me' is on.. Even the kids shut up when thats on. yes, there are programs I watch quite religiously and really stay 50 miles away from me when I'm watching the Grand Prix! Having said that, if I'm going out, I'd like to warn my wife, because that's manners... But recently, I've actually stopped telling her... well, I'm only going round the corner to the pub for half an hour, anyway... she won't even notice that I'm missing...
Spark1111 Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 Men and women do communicate differently! When men hear the emotional content in our language, oh and do we love to discuss emotions, it does agitate them and either they a) tune out, or b) try to fix it. We are just looking for empathy to our feelings. Women can improve their communication with their men by speaking in headlines by a) main points first and b) I feel a, b, c, d....THEN ask for his advice. Men LOVE to be asked for their advice or opinions.
carhill Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 Sorry about the clip not coming through..... it was a clip of an episode of "Roseanne" where she and Dan smoke some weed and are sitting in the bathroom eating an ice cream bar and he's saying all these nice things to her and tells her he loves her and she mindlessly is munching away on the ice cream bar (which she took from him) and, after about 5 seconds, looks at him and says "what?". That was everyday life in the carhill household, sans the marijuana. We just had different communication styles and auditory sensitivities.
Eve Posted March 23, 2010 Posted March 23, 2010 yes, there are programs I watch quite religiously and really stay 50 miles away from me when I'm watching the Grand Prix! Having said that, if I'm going out, I'd like to warn my wife, because that's manners... But recently, I've actually stopped telling her... well, I'm only going round the corner to the pub for half an hour, anyway... she won't even notice that I'm missing... Yes, some viewing is sacred and must not be disturbed.. Agreed. I wouldnt agree with the sneaking off to the Pub thing though but I have learned that this is the true root of how gossip is spread. Yes, men repeat what we tell them to their friends, usually in the Pub. They then gather all the info from other men about their wives and girlfriends and return this knowledge to us. .. Its true. Is this a form of 'decoding method' that men use when together or what? I mean, is there a difference in how men talk to other men about problems with their partners? My hubby seems to be a different person when with his male friends than when he is with me. He has this macho persona when with other men, which to me is quite a strange thing to view. I think I know him best but maybe I am misguided? My friends Husband is a fitness freak and he and his friends dont even seem to talk.. they just climb mountains all the time. When my friend and he have had a fallout, time with his male friends seems to chill him out but I dont know if they actually talk about anything. My friend and I have concluded that they dont talk about anything deep at all... but he too brings home the gossip. I dont get it. but maybe I am not supposed to? The saying. 'if its not broken.. dont fix it', comes to mind. Take care, Eve xx
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