does he really want to marry me?

[lostprincess]

hi, im new here but in need of desperate advice. i have been with my man for nearly 8 years now, we have 4 children together, would have had five but one died shotly after being born due to hospital neglegence. after being together 6 months he proposed over the fone, i said yes but i wanted him to do it properly, like askin my dad and with a ring. we had a huge fight 3 years ago because he had forgotten that hed proposed.. weird.. but anyway, we dont talk about our relationship a great deal, and one night his friend gave him an extasy tablet for the first time and he wanted to talk to me, we spoke about marriage, and he told me that he felt bad because my older sister ran away and eloped without my dad knowing until after and my dream is for my dad to walk me down the aisle, my dad has been ill now for quite a while he has had many strokes lately and hes now lost feelin in one arm and has a bit of a limp when walking, were lucky he is still here, he told me he wanted to get engaged an d marry me in maybe 6 months or so before we lost my dad, and we could always have a bigger better wedding later on. so the next few days we looked a rings, i found one we liked, but i had to buy it and get the money off him later, he asked my dad for his blessing and told his mum n dad he was goin to ask me, i waited a few months, me and him finally got to go away for a weekend without the kids, so i put the ring in his bag i packed just incase, he knew it was there, just before we left to come home from our holiday he held the ring in front of my face and asked me, he didnt say anything like "because id like to share the rest of my life with u", it was just will u marry me.. i said yes anyway. now weve told quite a few friends and family were engaged, everyone keeps askin have we set a date yet, and i dont know what to say, because ive tried to talk to him about this and he listens but doesnt talk back. i came across a wedding gown place, and didnt want to go inside because it felt weird as i had no idea when we would be gettin married, i told my partner this and he said well i should go look at dresses, so i went one day with my mum, now im not a large girl im only a size 12 au, but nothing in the shop fitted me and i felt sad and depressed, i then tried once more with a girl friend of mine and every shop we went into asked about the date we were getting married as they need a time frame to get me a dress i want, i still never got to try anything on, one night after the kids went to bed, i poured my heart out to my partner and told him about this date problem and how i was felling depressed and felt fat (even though im not at all), once again he listened but i go no reply or answer. it was like talking to a brick wall. im not even sure if he really wants to marry me? if thats the case why wouldnt he just tell me? im hurting so much cos i feel so alone right now and im feeling depressed, shouldnt we both be excited and wanting to plan a wedding now im engaged, i was excited to start off with, but now im not cos i feel so alone. and i feel the least he could have done when i poured my heart out was to say something nice like i wasnt fat or i was beautiful to him or something. he never once that i remember has ever complimented me, he likes my clothes, but never about me or my body, all our friends and family and even people we just meet think im very pretty and have a greay body for having 5 children. maybe i just dont appeal to him? im really not sure what to do?? i feel so lost and confused, im sick of trying to talk to him as he wont talk back. does anyone have any ideas? id appreciate the advice.

lostprincess

[xpaperxcutx]

His life has basically settled into a " marriage" with having you and kids. He doesn't see a point in getting ' married' and only proposed because he knew you wanted it and he saw it as an obligation to your dad and family.

 

I'm sorry to say this but unless you truly talk to him about how he feels about getting married instead of lying through his teeth or simply tuning you off, you will always be at a standstill with him.

 

The bigger question is, if he doesn't want to get married how will his answer directly affect your relationship? It does sound like you had wanted to stay with him in hopes that he will propose and then when the kids came along, you stayed with him for the sake of the family. Now if he doesn't want to get married, will that impact you to want to end the relationship? Or is marriage really an ultimatum?

[lostprincess]

im happy the way things are, it doesnt bother me whether we get married or not, of course i would like to but i only want to get married if he wants to, to me marriage should be a one time thing not something we have to do, if hes not ready then im not either. i have tried to talk to him numerous times about how he feels and if hes ready but he doesnt talk to me, we have communication problems sometimes when it comes to our relationship, i told him he didnt have to ask me or get the ring, but he wanted to. i dont know how to get him to talk to me. i really dont want to marry him unless he wants to but im not so sure he wants to as he wont talk to me about it now. i would only end the relationship if i found out he really didnt want me at all, sometimes i feel like that too, i have post traumatic stress syndrome, ive had many negative things happen growing up, so i do feel insecure sometimes, he knows about all this as i was seeing a councellor, and im supposed to be able to talk to him, but as i said in my last post, its like talking to a brick wall sometimes, i will even go to our room sometimes and cry if im feeling down, and he will come in and see me crying then just walk out and leave me alone. i have to admit tho, sometimes i feel like im just a package with the kids and its taken for granted i will just be here no matter what. but i do have feelings and every couple needs communication especially when it comes to the important things.

[xpaperxcutx]

im happy the way things are, it doesnt bother me whether we get married or not, of course i would like to but i only want to get married if he wants to, to me marriage should be a one time thing not something we have to do, if hes not ready then im not either. i have tried to talk to him numerous times about how he feels and if hes ready but he doesnt talk to me, we have communication problems sometimes when it comes to our relationship, i told him he didnt have to ask me or get the ring, but he wanted to. i dont know how to get him to talk to me. i really dont want to marry him unless he wants to but im not so sure he wants to as he wont talk to me about it now. i would only end the relationship if i found out he really didnt want me at all, sometimes i feel like that too, i have post traumatic stress syndrome, ive had many negative things happen growing up, so i do feel insecure sometimes, he knows about all this as i was seeing a councellor, and im supposed to be able to talk to him, but as i said in my last post, its like talking to a brick wall sometimes, i will even go to our room sometimes and cry if im feeling down, and he will come in and see me crying then just walk out and leave me alone. i have to admit tho, sometimes i feel like im just a package with the kids and its taken for granted i will just be here no matter what. but i do have feelings and every couple needs communication especially when it comes to the important things.

 

You're right about there being a communication problem. Have you guys tried couple's counseling? Sometimes it would be good to get some outside help to assist you into reevaluating your relationship and learning how to make it stronger.

[lostprincess]

id love to try couples councelling, but ive never mentioned it as it would be impossible, i have an 8yr old, a 5 yr old, a 3 yr old and a 1 yr old, my mum only travels to my area once a week and shes waaay to busy to watch the kids, my dad is too sick and old to watch them and my inlaws are 5 hours from us and has refused to babysit for us b4, its hard enough to get the kids to the doctors when they need to go as is, and my partner works long shifts and sometimes isnt even home until dinner time our friends all live too far away and my girl friend that lives near by has refused to watch them before as she cant handle them, being the age they are it is tru they are a big handful.