Cora Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 I'm just really down over this and still trying to grasp everything that's happened. The guy I have been seeing for going on six months now just told me last night that my secrecy was too much for him and that he just doesn't see how this can have any long-term potential. He said we should just go to being friends. I have told him time and time again that given time I will open up more and tell my family about him. I just wasn't ready, but it would not be like that forever. I have a difficult time with things like this. I'm a very private person and it seems to hurt any chances I have everytime. For once I find a guy I'm really happy with.....a really decent guy this time who treated me so wonderful and yet I couldn't break this terrible habit of mine. I know we really haven't been together that long, but it still hurts nonetheless and I feel sick to my stomach. I can't bear the thought of not speaking to him again and yet I don't think I could go to just being friends with him after everything. But I'm even more upset that I caused this. This is something I obviously need to overcome before ever thinking of getting involved with someone again. I'm just so hurt right now. Last night I was still in shock, but this morning and throughout today reality is setting in and I don't like the feeling. I have been through this before and I know that in time the pain will end etc. etc. Right now though, I'm just really feeling it. I have been in a bit of a daze all day. At least I will have work this week to keep me busy....it just sucks that my job is only a short five minutes away from where he lives. It was a tradition to see him after work. This is going to be tough!!
LovelyDaze Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 I'm just really down over this and still trying to grasp everything that's happened. The guy I have been seeing for going on six months now just told me last night that my secrecy was too much for him and that he just doesn't see how this can have any long-term potential. He said we should just go to being friends. I have told him time and time again that given time I will open up more and tell my family about him. I just wasn't ready, but it would not be like that forever. I have a difficult time with things like this. I'm a very private person and it seems to hurt any chances I have everytime. For once I find a guy I'm really happy with.....a really decent guy this time who treated me so wonderful and yet I couldn't break this terrible habit of mine. I know we really haven't been together that long, but it still hurts nonetheless and I feel sick to my stomach. I can't bear the thought of not speaking to him again and yet I don't think I could go to just being friends with him after everything. But I'm even more upset that I caused this. This is something I obviously need to overcome before ever thinking of getting involved with someone again. I'm just so hurt right now. Last night I was still in shock, but this morning and throughout today reality is setting in and I don't like the feeling. I have been through this before and I know that in time the pain will end etc. etc. Right now though, I'm just really feeling it. I have been in a bit of a daze all day. At least I will have work this week to keep me busy....it just sucks that my job is only a short five minutes away from where he lives. It was a tradition to see him after work. This is going to be tough!! It is going to be tough for a little while. You don't have to say what it is here, but are the matters you keep private , places that you don't want to revisit? It could be your BF is afraid that you are hiding something that may affect your relationship even if you have assured him that it has nothing to do with him.
ADF Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 You have to recognize that knowing someone is keeping secrets from you is very, very painful. When someone refuses to let you into their lives, the message is loud and clear: "I don't trust you; I don't want you." It is not up to him to wait around forever until you're "ready." If you're that protective of your privacy, then was was the wrong man for you. If you think he was the right man, you need to fix whatever is making you keep secrets. If you don't, you'll be dropped again and again. And rightly so.
shadowplay Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 Is this the same guy you talked about meeting with online? How did that ever pan out?
Author Cora Posted March 26, 2010 Author Posted March 26, 2010 It is going to be tough for a little while. You don't have to say what it is here, but are the matters you keep private , places that you don't want to revisit? It could be your BF is afraid that you are hiding something that may affect your relationship even if you have assured him that it has nothing to do with him. I apologize for just getting back to this. It's been a rough week and I've just been trying to do everything possible to take my mind of of it and him. To answer your question.....yes, the matters I keep private are places I wish to never revisit! I have even gone as far as discussing these issues a bit with him...which is very hard for me to do. He appeared to understand for the most part. But now I guess he just can't deal with it, which I can't blame him. I talked with him again Tuesday night. This was a very emotional conversation for me and it really just confirmed how he felt and that what we had was really over. I just could not stop crying and I am very hurt. I know that he must feel as if I'm hiding something and I know it's not fair to him and he shouldn't have to put up with it. That's his right. I just wish he could see how much I DO want to change and that It's not because I'm trying to intentionally keep something from him. I can only imagine how difficult that must be for him, but it's killing me inside to know he can't understand/accept it.
Author Cora Posted March 26, 2010 Author Posted March 26, 2010 You have to recognize that knowing someone is keeping secrets from you is very, very painful. When someone refuses to let you into their lives, the message is loud and clear: "I don't trust you; I don't want you." It is not up to him to wait around forever until you're "ready." If you're that protective of your privacy, then was was the wrong man for you. If you think he was the right man, you need to fix whatever is making you keep secrets. If you don't, you'll be dropped again and again. And rightly so. Oh I know it is very painful. Oh how I know that because I was the recipient of that once! I had secrets kept from me and it was torture. So please know that I don't blame him here for wanting to end things. I know it must be very painful for him. This is my problem and I do want to change....I just have to find the strength to. It's difficult for me, but I hate the fact of losing him. This just hurts.
Author Cora Posted March 26, 2010 Author Posted March 26, 2010 Is this the same guy you talked about meeting with online? How did that ever pan out? Yes, this is the same guy and after I had gotten the courage to meet him in person and we went out on a few more dates and things were going wonderful. I started caring for him deeply and we could not get enough of each other. Things were going well until now. He never really let on about how much the secrecy thing was bothering him. I really think he just let it build and build and fester inside of him until he could not take it anymore. I wish somehow we could of just talked about it.....try to work it out. But I fear now it's just too late. He seems to be finished with me. No more contact from him and no more contact from me. I don't know what else to say to him and even if I did I'm not sure it would be enough to bring him back.
Els Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 I have told him time and time again that given time I will open up more and tell my family about him. I just wasn't ready, but it would not be like that forever. I have a difficult time with things like this. I'm a very private person and it seems to hurt any chances I have everytime. For once I find a guy I'm really happy with.....a really decent guy this time who treated me so wonderful and yet I couldn't break this terrible habit of mine. I know we really haven't been together that long, but it still hurts nonetheless and I feel sick to my stomach. I can't bear the thought of not speaking to him again and yet I don't think I could go to just being friends with him after everything. But I'm even more upset that I caused this. This is something I obviously need to overcome before ever thinking of getting involved with someone again. Cora, sorry it turned out this way. When you mentioned secrecy though - have you been closing parts of yourself from HIM, or was it just the parents thing? Did you have any good reasons for not informing your family, and did you discuss them with him instead of just saying you didn't want to?
Author Cora Posted March 26, 2010 Author Posted March 26, 2010 Cora, sorry it turned out this way. When you mentioned secrecy though - have you been closing parts of yourself from HIM, or was it just the parents thing? Did you have any good reasons for not informing your family, and did you discuss them with him instead of just saying you didn't want to? I will admit I probably was closing bits of myself off from him, but have been slowly opening up and he even commented once how he noticed this and it made him happy. Mostly it is just the parents thing though. That is the REAL problem here which is the most difficult for him to handle. I did finally discuss with him the reasons why I wasn't ready to tell my family about him which had absolutely nothing to do with him, but everything to do with me. He is the type of person who is very close with his family and has already told them about me. It hurts him that I can't do the same with my family and it just creates conflict.
Els Posted March 26, 2010 Posted March 26, 2010 The way I see it, there really is nothing you could have done. I don't tell my parents about my bf because they're hardcore Christians and would just get angry and judge him because he isn't one - there's no point in it, and no reasoning with them. It's not something I can control while I live under their roof - and even when I'm independent I can't see the point of letting them know only to have them hate his guts. Do you think it would be possible for you to change this situation in the future?
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