Unique Situation- Desperate and Depressed

[wheretogo123]

Please read. I know it's long but I'm lost and desperate and I don't know where else to go.

 

I am a 29 year old female who has faced a very emotionally traumatic situation 2 years ago that is driving me deeper and deeper into depression with every passing day.

 

When I was in college I had my first real adult relation relationship with a boy from school who I fell head over heals in love with. At first he treated me like a queen and then slowly but surely, things started to fall apart and he ended up sneaking around and dumping me for another girl. I was devastated and it took me years to get over. In many senses, it felt like he was my first love and I was heartbroken. Years later we reconnected, and he seemed to have grown up a lot and become a better person. I don't think I had ever really gotten over him and we started seeing each other again, with no "boyfriend/girlfriend" label. I knew that he really enjoyed my company but that deep down did not want to commit to a relationship with me, which still hurt on a certain level even though I'd accepted it. I recongnized what we had as a temporary thing for us both to keep each other company.

 

One weekend he came to visit me (he lives 2 hrs. away) and we went to a party with one of his best female friends who I'd never met before, but had heard lots about. They had hooked up a few times in the past but had never dated. I had always been secretly jealous of this girl so I was curious to meet her. Much to my surprise, she was lovely and we really hit it off. As the night went on and more drinks were poured, the party started getting a little rowdy and my ex takes me aside and asks me if I wanted to have a threesome with this girl. At the time, I wasn't really sure, and had no idea whose idea it was (his or hers) but I agreed. I was not phenomenally attracted to her or anything, but thought she was cute.

 

We went back to my place, had a few more drinks, and when it started happening, my feelings changed completely. The second I touched her, I just felt this instant spark. It was electrical. When both of them left the next morning, I spent the whole day lying in bed and thinking about her. I was just floored.

 

Well, as soon as she got home she sent me a message telling me what a wonderful time she had with me and how sexy and beautiful she thought I was. I wrote back immediately of course and we decided that we wanted to do it again, without my ex. A couple days later she came over and we slept together again. It was even more powerful than the first time bc it was just the 2 of us. There were a few moments over the night we spent together that she really started to freak me out because of how much emotion she was expressing toward me at such an early stage in whatever we were doing, and how strongly she felt, but I calmed myself down by reminding myself how much I liked her too.

 

She was leaving to go back to school in a few days (3 hrs. from me) and we spent the rest of the time writing each other messages of adoration and went out on a date but never talked about what we were or where we wanted this to go. It just seemed too difficult to try something long distance when we still barely knew each other, so we parted ways, both saying that we hoped our paths would cross again someday.

 

I missed her terribly and a few weeks later, she sent me a message saying that she couldn't stop thinking about me. I told her I felt the same and we made plans for her to come down and visit me.

 

Meanwhile, my ex bf had started seeing someone else so we were no longer an item. I asked him if it was ok that I start seeing this girl and he said it was, even though I knew he was a little jealous of both of us. At one point, he started saying all these bad things about this girl to me and told me that I should be careful bc she's crazy and manipulative and has cheated on everyone she's ever been with. It made me a little apprehensive about her but I also knew he was just saying that bc he was jealous.

 

She came to visit me and we had a wonderful time. These visits became a monthly ritual and every time she came down, I fell harder and harder for her, but was afraid to talk about my feelings for her in case she didn't want a relationship with another woman or was going to break my heart, even though her actions toward me seemed very romantic. I couldn't stand the thought of ruining it.

 

Finally one day, she asks me if it's ok for her to come visit and for us to have dinner, saying that she unfortunately couldn't stay over bc she had to go to back to school the next day. I immediately knew something was up bc she always has to go back to school the next day and it didn't make sense that she couldn't stay over. I asked her what was up and she told me that she and MY EX had decided to give it a go and try dating. She said it came on very suddenly and that she was very sorry. I couldn't believe it. I just went completely numb. The overwhelming emotion I felt was so much that all I could say was, "Well, take care then."

 

 

In the following weeks she contacted me several times on facebook just saying hi or with some mundane stupid message. I finally told her to leave me alone.

 

Six months went by and I get another message from her saying "I know you probably won't respond to this but you've been on my mind. I feel like such an idiot for writing this and if I don't hear back from you I'm going to pretend I never did this."

 

I responded to her because I just could not get over her as hard as I tried. She wrote back saying how guilty she felt about contacting me bc she was dating my ex and that she missed me like crazy. We decided to meet up to talk about it and she asked if we could be friends. I told her we couldn't bc I liked her too much. Then we very sadly parted ways and as soon as I got home I felt like she needed to know exactly how I felt about her or else I'd always regret it. I wrote her a message saying everything and she wrote back saying she felt exactly the same way and wish we had talked about this before and that it was really hard for her to hear bc she was in a relationship. I asked her to give us a shot and she said she wanted to so badly but couldn't bc she didn't want to hurt her bf (my ex) and that they were happy together.

 

How can you be in a happy relationship and be contacting someone you used to date and telling them how you still have feelings for them!?

 

She kept saying that the timing was off and that maybe we'd meet again some day and be able to have a chance. She said she knew we could be really happy together and that I'd be her first call if things failed with her relationship.

 

I told her that I hoped she'd change her mind bc I was crazy about her but that I couldn't wait around for her.

 

She contacted me again a few days later saying how painful it was for her to lose me again and that she felt like she had so much more to say but that it all seemed pointless at this point.

 

I asked her not to contact me bc I needed to let her go and she was only making it harder for me.

 

A few weeks later she got drunk and sent me a message apologizing for it but telling me everything that had happened in her day. It was mostly trivial stuff but I found it hopelessly adorable that she just wanted to share every small detail of her life with me. I had been drunk too that evening and responded to her.

 

This correspondance continued for months and we would write each other really long messages on a daily basis. For some reason this felt ok to me bc I could tell that she clearly cared a lot about me.

 

Finally she tells me that her and my ex were planning on moving in together. That's when I told her this needed to stop. She reluctantly agreed and said she knew this would have to end some day.

 

We have had a few more correspondences since even though we try not to. Every time it ends in the same way: us saying we miss each other and her saying she hopes we get the the chance to reconnect some day.

 

It's been 2 years since things with her ended and I miss her every day of my life. She is constantly on my mind wherever I go. I've tried dating other people, both men and women, and while I've met some people I've been very into, nothing ever compares to her.

 

I just found out the other day that she and my ex are moving to another state together and the pain has become greater than it ever was. When a couple moves to another state together, away from all their family and friends to start a new life, they are almost certainly going to get married. It breaks my heart all over again. Before, I had always been hanging on to the hope that some day maybe we'd get the chance to be together, but my hopes have been completely shattered. The thought of them having kids together drives me absolutely crazy.

 

I've sunk into a deep depression that I've tried to fight my way out of but can't. Nothing I do anymore seems to matter. I feel lost and hopeless. Every simple task seems like the hardest thing in the world. My apartment is a complete mess and I can't bring myself to clean it. I've been drinking a lot, slacking at work, and have given up exercise completely. I've never considered suicide in my life before, but have been thinking about it lately. I know that I will never do it bc I don't want to hurt my family and friends and I'm too scared anyway, but it scares me that I even think about it. I know that the best thing for me to do would be to go to therapy but I have no insurance and cannot afford it. It is really hard to talk to anyone about this situation bc it just seems to embarrassing.

 

It just seems so unfair to me that they are happy together. It seems so unfair that my ex, who treated me like dirt, and had the audacity to say bad things about her to me in order to sabotage our happiness, gets to be with the most beautiful woman in the world. I know he treats her really well and her parents and friends love him, but they don't see the monster in him that I do. I don't even think he's aware of what a selfish jerk he is.

 

I desperately need some advice. Every passing day gets worse and worse and harder to go on.

Edited March 21, 2010 by wheretogo123

[LovelyDaze]

I felt bad that you didn't have an answer so I took time to read this.

 

You have to let both go. Sounds like you don't care too much about the ex BF but definitely about your ex GF.

 

Both have decided to be together and what you will have to do is NOT intervene. Don't contact either in anyway and especially don't accept any more communication from her.

 

And DON'T have another thought about suicide. Call a hotline immediately upon that thought. No one and I mean NO ONE is worth eliminating your life over. You don't want people to ask, "What did she die of?" and the answer being, " Well, one person out of 7 billion decided not to love her."

 

Glad you recognize that you have family and friends who love you dearly and will stay by your side no matter who you are with.

 

After 2 years, you might need to seek counsel to get help getting over her. There ARE organizations that can provide therapy for people who have little to know income. Seek them out so that you can start the road to healing.

 

You WILL love again. But you have to keep your heart and optimism open. If you keep shutting yourself down all because the person you loved is gone, you will be killing precious time and opportunity for the person that is waiting for you to heal and be with them.

[wheretogo123]

Thank you very much for your words of wisdom, LovelyDaze. I know that I need to move on and let it go, as hard as it seems. I also know a large part of why I'm feeling this way is because I don't have any other romantic connections at the moment and it's been a while since I have. I think the best thing for me to do right now is to stop looking because I think in a way, it's causing more frustration and pain. One day at a time, I guess.