carhill Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 Sorry to bombard you with questions.No worries.... Here's the conundrum....everything seeks balance. As is often opined here on LS, men pursue and women *choose*. So, with that in mind, amongst the myriad of pursuers, my stbx (and other women) chose to accept the pursuit of someone with my intimacy style. Others, the myriad who rejected me over the decades, did not. Empathy and care permeate nearly all aspects of living, from helping an old lady across the street to saving a pet from euthanasia to taking a moment to listen to a person in emotional pain to sharing the joy of the family of a newborn child. Such actions and the words which accompany them are visible, qualifiable and quantifiable. Dearth is not so easily seen and discerned. People who experience dearth can still mask qualities of care and empathy, but they're thinking and projecting them rather than actually feeling the emotions. IME, the difference is only discerned over time, as it was for myself. My stbx often spoke, mainly during our early relationship, of 'masking personalities' (she had been through therapy) and I found it quite interesting clinically but failed to see the application which was happening right in front of my face. That was another part of my (and hers too, most likely) people-picker being impaired. I told my stbx I loved her at least once a day, when seeing her off to work, and at various times when talking on the phone or during periods when I felt she wanted support and care, as well as when I felt connected to her, and of course there were such times. By her statements in MC, I was more 'interested' in her life than she wanted me to be, so, from her perspective, she wanted a man who was there for her when she needed/wanted him but otherwise distant (by her description or agreement with my characterization of it). This matches her emotional setpoint and intimacy style. For her, I was too 'clingy' by being interested and supportive. For myself, her emotional distance (once married life began in earnest, and especially after my mother became ill) indicated to me that she didn't care. I felt used. Out of guilt, especially over the time I devoted to my mother's care, I probably did bend over backwards too much to please her. To simplify, if we could have had a marriage where I expressed my emotional intimacy through the parameters shared above (supportive but distant) and she expressed hers through sex (being available for it), that would have been her ideal arrangement. Our psychologist marveled at this dynamic, as much for its own uniqueness as for how we even got together. I guess, as with everything in life, it was a learning experience. Like TBF has shared, in order to be truly emotionally intimate, it (the dynamic) must become 'we'. Each of us approach that dynamic in our own unique way. If those ways (styles) are compatible, and attraction exists, one has the makings of a healthy romantic LTR potential. I recall, in the later, waning stages of my friendship with my former MW, she opined 'you really care'. This, after 25 years of such examples, she found me to be like a new bug she had discovered but didn't know what to do with. It was then, almost right then, that I knew it was time to go. She was of the same emotional style as my stbx. The light bulb went on that day. A catharsis occurred. God works in mysterious ways
A O Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 in that case, codependency sure feels good. You need to see a councilor otherwise you'll just become sadder, more jaded and lonelier. You, the councilor, needs to work out the source of your loneliness and take things from there. .
threebyfate Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 Sure spookie, it feels good to have someone else fulfill what's missing inside but at what emotional cost to someone else? This is like a narcissistic supply draining, rather than a healthy relationship dynamic, where both of you get jumpstarted by the positive energy connection. This doesn't mean that it's always this way, since sometimes each person needs more from the other but overall, over time, it all evens out. spookie, do you ever see people beyond something you need or want to use? Do you ever see people as people, rather than something that's an addendum to you?
shadowplay Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 Then give it time. This connection might grow or not. One thing's for certain, your feelings for him have already grown over the last few months. As far as looking to someone else to make you whole (not you shadow but spookie), that's not emotional intimacy. That's a codependency. Yeah, my feelings for him have grown a great deal. My concern is if they start to plateau and I never reach that level, I feel that I won't be able to with anyone. He's really exactly what I need in a partner, so if I can't connect with him completely I don't know if there's anyone with whom I could.
threebyfate Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 Yeah, my feelings for him have grown a great deal. My concern is if they start to plateau and I never reach that level, I feel that I won't be able to with anyone. He's really exactly what I need in a partner, so if I can't connect with him completely I don't know if there's anyone with whom I could.Not necessarily true that he's exactly what you need. Time will tell. Straight up, the elements that I see missing which I'm hoping will grow over time, are the respect and admiration portions. You respect and admire him on the emotional levels but on others, not so much.
shadowplay Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 Not necessarily true that he's exactly what you need. Time will tell. Straight up, the elements that I see missing which I'm hoping will grow over time, are the respect and admiration portions. You respect and admire him on the emotional levels but on others, not so much. Do you mean that I don't admire him on my non-emotional levels or I don't admire his non-emotional levels? If you're talking about the latter, I can sort of see it. I think part of it is the age disparity.
threebyfate Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 Do you mean that I don't admire him on my non-emotional levels or I don't admire his non-emotional levels? If you're talking about the latter, I can sort of see it. I think part of it is the age disparity.The latter and yes, I agree some of it is partially due to the age disparity but not all of it. Anyways, I don't think I need to go further into it. I suspect you know where I'm coming from. For certain, not every relationship is intended to last forever. It's how we learn what works and what doesn't work.
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