Too early to be worrying?

[Judythatsme]

I have an issue that I keep re-hashing in my head, and it's totally destroying my ability to enjoy my fairly new (four month) relationship.

 

 

 

I started dating my current boyfriend in November. (we're both 23) He's in Teach for America, and his two year teaching obligation ends next May. After that, he says he has no clue what he'll do, except that he wants to leave New Orleans. (He's from NY) and probably go back to new york.

My situation as of now, I graduate from college in December and won't be able to move out of my parents' house till I find my big girl job. (Yes, I'm still home. Can't afford to live out on my own). So, my want is to move out of my own, here, for a couple of years, then move to another city. I am NOT opposed to moving, but he transition of moving next year would just be a culture shock to me. Esp. New York. I want it to be gradual. Plus, my parents would kill me if we lived together before marriage. I wouldn't have a roommate =/

The boyfriend is knows my stance on it, but is still considering moving away. Long distance, I'd be willing to do it, but if you don't have to long distance, if there's other options here (He wants to grad school here and prob get offered a job at his school...why not go here), why would he willingly move?

 

I know I probably sound self-ish and what not, expecting him to wait here until I'm ready, but he always talks so serious about us. We said I love you after two months, and well, it's way more serious than an average four month relationship. But, maybe he's less serious than he lets on? if you were that serious, you'd be okay with waiting for another person? or maybe my mindset is warped?

 

I think another thing that gets me was in February, he told me he wanted to stay down here for awhile, with me. Now, he doesn't know? I hate the flip-flopping on this topic.

 

I know, in reality, it's only been four months, and it's a year away, and I shouldn't expect an iron clad decision. So, someone tell me, how do you enjoy a relationship with this possibility looming? The possibility of not knowing?

 

or you can tell me I'm being completely crazy, that's okay, too. I just really love him and well, he wants to leave me, it seems. (Not breakup ...he says we will be together no matter what), but why make things more difficult when you don't have to?

 

Bottom line, he doesn't know what he wants to do, but if he loved me, wouldn't he have a better idea? instead of wanting to move far away? I don't get it. Someone knock sense into me, please. hehe

Edited March 21, 2010 by Judythatsme

[delanydarling]

I know what it's like to have it looming over you. When my boyfriend and I started dating, he lived miles away at college, but he was home for the summer. We both knew that the day would come that he would have to go back, but I also knew that I never felt about anyone the way that I felt about him, even though we had only known each other for about two months.

 

I know it's not something you're looking forward to. I dreaded the day, and I kept thinking about all our options. What kept me going was that he said that if I couldn't move up to where he was next year, he would move home for me. I figured I could wait a year. Sure, this has been the hardest year I have ever gone through, but if you love him, I promise every day will be worth it.

 

With the flip-flopping thing, I get that entirely. My boyfriend does that all the time. First he wants to move closer, and then he changes his mind. I've gotten so tired of it. I told him that if we aren't together next year, I can't make our relationship work. But I have a couple more months before he has to make a decision anyway. I think the best advice is just to see how things play out. Don't think about it now if you aren't going to be apart for months because if you two are supposed to be together, it will happen. Always have faith in that.

[Finissima]

I started dating my boyfriend when we were both still in college at the same school but knowing that at the end of that semester, we would both be going out separate ways (him back home, me to a school somewhere else).

 

Not everyone needs to have their life planned a year in advance - it seems like your bf is one of those. Maybe he just wants to enjoy having all these options open to him...it sounds like you have a good relationship and the fact that he says he will do LD is a good sign!

 

My bf and I are long distance now...will hopefully come back to the same place or at least cities a close drive away next year. He is committed to the relationship...but every once in a while he gets these crazy ideas of things he's going to do two years from now - go back home, go to another city where I can't use my degree (different legal system), do another degree. I have learned that this is just him exploring his options and thinking it out with me - I know now he'd never make a final decision without us making that decision together. He doesn't need a 5 year plan...hell, he barely has a 5 day plan. Don't worry so much about the options he likes to play out in his mind...just feel confident that he is thinking about you still being in the picture a year from now.

 

My best advice to enjoy the time you have now...don't plague the time you are together with endless discussions of what you'll do when your long distance. Because if/when you do become long distance...you will regret every moment you spent being worried about it instead of just enjoying your time together!

[ADF]

Three things:

 

1) Four months into a relationship is way too soon to start making plans to cross the country together. I know you've probably heard this a lot already, but it's true.

 

2) If you're not grown up enough to buck your parents' rules about not living with a man before being married, you're not grown up enough to live with a man without being married.

 

3) LDRs are almost always a terrible idea, unless the couple has been together a long time and the period of seperation promises to be short. Otherwise, you can almost be sure it will end badly, with plenty of heartache and drama before the final break-up.

[Away]

Something very similar to what you're saying happened to me... with the difference that I'm 29 and he's 34... but anyway... after 4 months of dating he left... and our relationship seemed far more serious than any other relationship I've had at 4 months.

 

He had planned to move before we ever started dating and already had a job at his current location. In the end, when the time came.. he wanted me to come with him, but I'm just starting gradschool and have things going really well for me here and decided not to. Long story short, I don't think that him leaving says he doesn't love me. If you want to have a future with somebody you have to stand up on your own two feet first... kwim?

 

If your b/f thinks he would have a better job in NY, and what not.. maybe him moving would be the best for your future together even if it means you would have to be apart for a couple of years...

 

hope this was helfpul...