When he says 'Its over' but we still get along like nothing happened

[HopelessRomance]

So I wasn't with this guy for long. For the first 3 months of our relationship everything was great. We spent ALL our time together and when we weren't together he was texting me, even when he was at work which was practically the only time we spent apart.

 

Then I moved house, he had a fight with his best mate and it's like everything went wrong. At first he just wanted some time to himself because of the fight with the guy he had been best mates with for over 10 years. Then it's like he started avoiding me. Suddenly it was hard to get him to spend time with me and I was lucky if he replied to my text messages. He even lied to me once when he promised he would call but didn't. He said he had been in the city all day, then later he let slip about something I had watched on television that day.

 

We barely ever fought with each other, only argued when I was frustrated with his avoidance of me. He kept saying that nothing was wrong. Eventually we talked about it and I asked him why everything had been so different than how it was before, what had changed? Eventually he spit it out that he didn't have enough feelings for me considering we had been together 3 months. I said I didn't expect much, but after a while he said he didn't have feelings for me at all and never did. I didn't believe him at all, unless he had been completely false to me for 3 months. He mentioned the fact that he had been very hurt by his last girlfriend and was maybe afraid of being in a position to get hurt again. The next time we spoke he admitted he did have feelings for me but they had faded and he didn't know how to feel anymore. He said he was really confused and stressed out and we decided to go on a break for two weeks.

 

A week into the break I called him and said that we might as well end it now because I thought it was over and he was just going to dump me after the break anyway but he said he didnt want to. Another week later he said he wanted to keep trying and that he owed me because he had been an *******. So we got back together and agreed on a fresh start.

 

For the next 2 weeks I thought everything was going back to normal until one night I brought up something he had said before we went on break. I was just joking around about it but he took it to heart because he thought it was a fresh start. The next morning we talked a lot and sorted out a lot of things but he ended up breaking up with me. He said he didn't know what was wrong with him because Im a great girl and he should have feelings for me. He said he didnt want to string me along incase nothing changed and he would just hurt me more if he broke up with me in a few months time.

 

A week later we saw each other again to give each other their stuff back. We hung out and it was like nothing was wrong. We joked around about the break up and we flirted like crazy. Mostly we just joked around with each other a lot just like we used to and we had a great time. We did talk about the break up a bit. He said that something I posted on facebook about missing him made him cry and that he missed me to but he didn't know what that meant. He said that if I never brought up the thing before the break that we would probably still be together and that he thought the two weeks we were back together was going great as well. He even said that you never know we could be back together in a few months.

 

For the past week we have been talking a lot but we havn't seen each other. We mostly talk like normal and joke around like nothing is wrong. Last night we were talking about confidence because he seems to have been so much less confident lately. He said it was because once you get rid of someone you don't know how to feel and you start to miss it a bit.

 

So I'm completely confused about how he really feels about me. Why do we get along so well if it's over? And should I be having so much contact with a guy who dumped me two weeks ago?

[HopelessRomance]

It's his birthday tomorrow. Do I call? Text? Anything?

[Ilovecake]

No do not contact him under any circumstances. You will feel so much worse if you do. Just read the other threads about how people broke NC, it's very rarely a good thing. If anything the less you contact him the more you're making him wonder about you. People have a tendency to make up the worst case scenario in their heads so by not contacting him you're making him think that you are moving on and having a wonderful life which will only make him more curious about you. If you contact him he will know you're a complete broken up, weak mess and nobody wants to be with a broken up weak mess.

 

Stay strong and do not break NC.

[LucreziaBorgia]

So I'm completely confused about how he really feels about me. Why do we get along so well if it's over? And should I be having so much contact with a guy who dumped me two weeks ago?

 

You get along well because:

 

a. he emotionally checked out and has already accepted the breakup and is well on the way to moving on, if not already there

b. you want to get along with him well in hopes that he will see what he is missing

 

What you may not realize is that when you decide to 'be friends' with the ex who dumped you, you are giving them all they can want and tolerate from you. If he wanted more, you'd be dating - not 'friends'. So, he is in his comfort zone. He gets to break up with you AND still benefit from your company and friendship.

 

You, however are with someone who is happy to be with you and happy to be in your company, but does not want to be your boyfriend. You do not benefit at all.

 

You may want to look at this closely - being 'friends' will not make him want to be your boyfriend again, so what exactly is the point of being friends if you want him back? Do you really benefit from it? What if he tells you about this great girl he has started dating? Will you be happy for him like you would be for any other friend?

 

How does he feel about you? He likes you, cares about you, enjoys your company but not enough to be your boyfriend.

 

You may want to consider dropping off the radar with this guy. There is no real reason to be in contact with him at this point.

[HopelessRomance]

Crap, you guys are probably right =( I fail at this.

 

Except for the broken up weak mess!! Lol Im not!! ...anymore anyway

I miss him like hell but Im not showing it

[HopelessRomance]

Crap Crap Crap, Ive already screwed this up havn't I. We have spoken quite a bit, mostly he started the conversation but still. It has almost been 2 weeks since we broke up, is it too late for NC?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Not too late. You can say something like... 'I'm sorry, but I love you and I want you back. Being friends like this hurts me. It hurts to be so close to someone I can't be with in that way. I need to be on my own for a while to get my head and heart back in order. Please respect my need for NC.'

[HopelessRomance]

Ok this is what I wrote (and cried while I wrote it)

I want your advice before I send it

 

"Hey, I really don't want to do this and I know I'm gonna regret sending this as soon as I do. I'm not very good at doing what's best for me, usually I just do what makes me happy right now and that's talking to you. But I;m scared this will turn into another Alex deal*. I know you aren't enough of an ******* to use me for sex and I know that we would be great friends for a while just like Alex and I were. But one day you will get a new girl and it will kill me and I won't be able to see you anymore. So maybe it's best to skip all that and skip to the pain of losing you now not to another girl. When we first broke up I knew it was over. But since you said you miss me and that you never know, we might be back together in a few months, ive had false hope that we will be back together soon. I'm waiting for you to want me back and that sucks. I miss you so much already, I know it's gonna hurt more to not talk to you at all. The simple fact is I love you and I want you back and being friends I'll always want more. It was hard enough hugging you the other day when all I wanted to do was kiss you. You are the most amazing guy I know and I take pride in that fact that I dated a guy like you. No one can make me laugh like you do, and that's what makes me the saddest but I can't be friends with you if that's all we will ever be. I'm sorry. I'll miss you so much. I love you. Cass xox"

 

*Alex is my last ex. We stayed 'friends' after we broke up for about a year. I got jealous every time he spoke to another girl. I had a breakdown once when he spoke about wanting to start dating a new girl that apparently liked him to. Eventually it ended when I started dating the guy I just broke up with and Michael got jealous and wanted me back but I turned him down because I had moved on. [i also changed his name]

 

So? Is it too much? Too dramatic?

[CarrieT]

 

So? Is it too much? Too dramatic?

 

Yes it is too much. And Yes it is too dramatic.

 

Seriously - I only read the first part of it and I would want nothing to do with you after that, either as a friend or a girlfriend. Sorry to be so harsh, but guys don't care about this sort of stuff.

 

You are re-hashing what is in YOUR mind and in his mind, he has already moved on. He doesn't care what you are thinking or going through.

 

You don't want to be friends with him; you want him back as a boyfriend and that is not going to happen - the rest just looks like begging which is a bigger turn off.

 

DO NOT SEND IT. Do nothing. NO CONTACT MEANS NO CONTACT!

[neoskunk]

I second that. Far too much. I have just gone through the same thing with my girlfriend. I promise you beyond any shadow of a doubt that unless he changes his own mind you two will never be together. There is nothing you can do to make him change his mind.

 

I believe he is using you as a spring board into his next relationship. He is cool talking to you until he finds someone else. Once that happens I wouldn't expect him to give you the time of day.

 

You are still writing that letter in hopes that you can win him back over. Nothing anywhere near what you wrote NEEDS to be said. Talk to him less and less until finally you break all contact. I assure you he knows how you feel about him. If he ever wants more again he will come to you.