cdt76 Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 8 months have gone by. Nights alone are empty. I'm sad but not overly so. I'm lonely but not willing to risk the heart to only be broken again. I entertain myself, exercise and am a good father. But I think of her. I think of her skin and her smell and her touch and her face and the look of love in her eyes and I see the look of lust. I feel the pride I once had. It's all gone now. And what do I feel now? The buzz of alcohol, numbness of medication. I'm lost. Going through life without direction
GrayClouds Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 8 months have gone by. Nights alone are empty. I'm sad but not overly so. I'm lonely but not willing to risk the heart to only be broken again. I entertain myself, exercise and am a good father. But I think of her. I think of her skin and her smell and her touch and her face and the look of love in her eyes and I see the look of lust. I feel the pride I once had. It's all gone now. And what do I feel now? The buzz of alcohol, numbness of medication. I'm lost. Going through life without direction Yes the absent of hurting can feel like nothing more then amplification of loneliness. With a sick sense of sentimentality one find themselves almost pining for that pain that was so debilitating but also distracting from the day to day that is life. The alcohol is a tempting replacement for that pain. For it too offers a distraction from the day to day. The problem is that it is more then that, it more then distracts, it depresses. For hour and days after the drink is drunk, it depresses and that numbness can turn to negativity. So please be careful and be kind to yourself.
Author cdt76 Posted March 22, 2010 Author Posted March 22, 2010 I am careful and I do not overdo it. And you are exactly right. The absence of the pain and the absence of the life leave me somewhere between that place of being half asleep and half awake. It's easier now to refocus on other things and not have her come into my thoughts. The problem lies in what is left to think about, or feel passionately about. I've had moments of closure only to be opened again by a memory or dream or seeing her type of car. I guess I'm looking for that level of happiness I had achieved with her. Looking for that place in life that brings comfort and stability and reassurance. Looking for that woman or relationship that will end the questions of forever and loneliness. Unfortunately, we have no control of it and therefore this place is home for now.
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