Perhaps Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 I'll make it short and.. well, there's nothing sweet about it, so.. just short. I was with a girl who meant the world to me. After a bit over a year, I broke up with her to focus on school, and also because I lost feelings - I don't know if I lost feelings due to her clinginess and the distance or whether I used those two as excuses. Anyway, so around a year after the breakup I suddenly realized what I'd lost so I went back to apologize. I was literally begging her for another chance and apologizing every single day. She was with someone else but I decided to wait for her and she said no. I finally realized I couldn't just be a friend and decided to go NC. She objected and eventually she told me she loved me too but after a month together 'unofficially', she stepped back and said we should just be friends. Of course, I was still feeling guilty about how I'd broken up with her so i decided to be friends. She abused my friendship.. smoked, drank, whatever. She started only calling me at night and I got into arguments with her over her drinking & pot smoking. When I finally got into an argument with her friends because I asked them if they'd help me talk to her about it, she told me off. I went NC and she's been contacting me every few weeks or so 'to see how I'm doing'. She actually texted me one night apologizing for treating me so badly when all I ever tried to do was to show her how sorry I was and how much I really did love her. But I still resent the fact that when I apologized, I literally spent around 8 months answering her every call, being there for her 24/7.. be it 5AM or 8 PM. But she thinks that apologizing once and continuing to call me only when she needs is acceptable. I still kind of have feelings for her but I can't figure out anything. I don't know if I deserved it for breaking up with her but I did what most of you want your exes to do.. come back. Heck, not only did I come back, I spent a whole year apologizing and trying to prove myself. It just bothers me that at one point in time, I was SO sure I wanted her and then it just disappeared.. and then it just came back. I hate myself for ever hurting her because I've had my heart broken too and that's kinda of why I spent a year putting myself down due to guilt and regret. I don't have a job (I'm a full time student) so I'll be seeing my university counsellors but I really want to understand why all this happened. Why I broke up with someone I loved so much. Why I regretted it. Why I still hate myself for hurting a person. Everytime I read a thread here about a dumpee, I imagine myself being the dumper and it just.. bothers me to think that I did something similar. Anything?
skydiveaddict Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 I don't know if you need therapy, but when you dump somebody there are going to be hurt feelings for sure. Perhaps what you are feeling is more guilt than sadness.
Author Perhaps Posted March 21, 2010 Author Posted March 21, 2010 It used to be guilt... and I guess you're right... I still am carrying the guilt... it just bothers me that this time, I wasn't the victim.. I actually did it breaking up. And now, I just can't seem to understand why it all happened... I was so sure I'd do anything to make it work. Maybe I was too determined to make it work and show the world that they were wrong... I don't know. I just want to make sense of it. Too often, I see people justifying situations to make themselves feel better - I don't want to do that. I want to understand why this happened - what made me break up, go back and lead me to where I am now.
Toki Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 It's guilt you're feeling, as the dumper of my previous relationship I can safely say that it felt like having to put down my old sick dog, it just feels wrong... But you need to forgive yourself, you dumped her for a reason, and although the ends don't always justify the means, you made your decision and now you have to live with it... Own up to the responsibility, and excuse yourself for having made a very hard decision. Sometimes you don't get it right, but you'll understand eventually that you probably did do the just thing. Listen to your mind, because your heart is often times a dumbass.
Author Perhaps Posted March 21, 2010 Author Posted March 21, 2010 It's guilt you're feeling, as the dumper of my previous relationship I can safely say that it felt like having to put down my old sick dog, it just feels wrong... But you need to forgive yourself, you dumped her for a reason, and although the ends don't always justify the means, you made your decision and now you have to live with it... Own up to the responsibility, and excuse yourself for having made a very hard decision. Sometimes you don't get it right, but you'll understand eventually that you probably did do the just thing. Listen to your mind, because your heart is often times a dumbass. Well, call me a dumbass because I listen to my heart =( Could it have been guilt that caused me to chase her again for a second chance? Surely, the guilt would have worn off... but I presistently took ***** from her as I begged for a second chance. She was my first relationship and I never wanted to look back and have a failed relationship that I was responsible for and it's just what I have to wake up to. You're right though, I have taken Full responsibility for my actions and apologized and showed it. She just didn't want me anymore and did really well getting revenge for what I did. This. Sucks.
GrayClouds Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 I suspect that this realtionship mirrors another one you experienced in your life. I also suspect that in your heart you know did the right thing for yourself but you are generally put other people emotional need ahead of your own. Putting your needs first is something new to you and because it is new you feel uncomfortable with it, hence the quilt. You carry a perception that good people do not hurt other people. Though at times to care for oneself, you have to put your needs first. Feeling guilt reminds you that your a caring person, feeling regret says you our a thoughtful person but it is important to know when to act on those feeling and when they can be destructive. Seeing that you are a caring and thoughtful person you should have confindance that, while it was a very difficult thing to do, you did the right thing for yourself. And know that, you are allowed to let both guilt and regret go and work to be kind to yourself.
Toki Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 Guilt can linger in your subconcious for years. Maybe she did it for revenge, maybe she wanted to forgive you... who knows? In the end you find out that you were right all along to dump her, because even if you did make a mistake, that doesn't mean you deserve to get treated like dirt. Apologizing is one thing, but nobody is going to make you feel better about yourself but you, and part of that is getting over the emotions, and recognizing that you were reasonable in your desire to part ways with her. So I suggest you make a permanent policy of no contact until you get your personal affairs in order...
Author Perhaps Posted March 21, 2010 Author Posted March 21, 2010 (edited) Yeah, you're right Toki, thanks for the strong words. I suspect that this realtionship mirrors another one you experienced in your life. I also suspect that in your heart you know did the right thing for yourself but you are generally put other people emotional need ahead of your own. Putting your needs first is something new to you and because it is new you feel uncomfortable with it, hence the quilt. You carry a perception that good people do not hurt other people. Though at times to care for oneself, you have to put your needs first. Feeling guilt reminds you that your a caring person, feeling regret says you our a thoughtful person but it is important to know when to act on those feeling and when they can be destructive. Seeing that you are a caring and thoughtful person you should have confindance that, while it was a very difficult thing to do, you did the right thing for yourself. And know that, you are allowed to let both guilt and regret go and work to be kind to yourself. GrayClouds, honestly, that one hit the nail on the head. I don't know how you did it but it's like you looked into my head and seperated the grey into white and black. It makes sense too - everyone tells me I'm too "soft" - even my mum. Thank you SO much for your help, you have no idea how much you helped me clear my mind Edited March 21, 2010 by Perhaps
GrayClouds Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 Yeah, you're right Toki, thanks for the strong words. GrayClouds, honestly, that one hit the nail on the head. I don't know how you did it but it's like you looked into my head and seperated the grey into white and black. It makes sense too - everyone tells me I'm too "soft" - even my mum. Thank you SO much for your help, you have no idea how much you helped me clear my mind I glad I could be some help. You may want to pick up book "No More Mr Nice Guy" it too may offer some insight. Though I suggest that you take it with a grain of salt, it seems to believe that we all need to be Alpha dogs a bit to much for my taste. It about finding a balance to be yourself, care for yourself while making healthy compromises for others, and understand how important it is for you to pay extra attention to the people you allow into your life and if they posses the quality and depth to appreciate your friendship and love. Finally understand there are more then one way to define success of a relationship. If you gain knowledge of yourself, understand things you can do better with a honest desire to improve on those thing so not repeat mistakes, then you walk away with more then you had before the realtionship, then that is a success. A reationship that allows you to grow is a successful realtionship, even if you have to walk away to gain some of that growth.
celluloid Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 My boyfriend of six years tried to blame me for all his problems, then attempted to replace me, used me while he tried to figure it out, then left me in our apartment with all the bills for five months. THEN, after four months of his attempts to contact me, I finally pick up the phone in my new apartment, not really doing that much better emotionally, but I decided to hear what he had to say. Well, I let him come see me, he begged for another chance, said everything right, but then he wouldn't go NC with the other girl - which was was unacceptable to me, so he walked out of my life again. Now he's texting me again, wanting help from me on how to to deal with his dying grandfather, and of course I responded because I love him. But now, he has yet to talk about it anymore. Now we're back to NC again. I am an endless well it seems, no matter what he does I always give and cry and love him all the time. Even with no contact I am still giving him my tears, my thoughts, and my overall energy - I am the one that needs therapy. Sounds as if your ex was either not emotionally mature enough to handle you coming back or she really was taking her anger out on you for what you did in the past when you broke up with her, which is immature anyway. If she really cared about you, she wouldn't have acted like that. So, don't feel so guilty over someone who acted like that. If she reacted as I did, maybe you need to give this more thought, but until she gets out of her "I want to be young and reckless" stage, then you two will not meet eye to eye on things.
Author Perhaps Posted March 22, 2010 Author Posted March 22, 2010 My boyfriend of six years tried to blame me for all his problems, then attempted to replace me, used me while he tried to figure it out, then left me in our apartment with all the bills for five months. THEN, after four months of his attempts to contact me, I finally pick up the phone in my new apartment, not really doing that much better emotionally, but I decided to hear what he had to say. Well, I let him come see me, he begged for another chance, said everything right, but then he wouldn't go NC with the other girl - which was was unacceptable to me, so he walked out of my life again. Now he's texting me again, wanting help from me on how to to deal with his dying grandfather, and of course I responded because I love him. But now, he has yet to talk about it anymore. Now we're back to NC again. I am an endless well it seems, no matter what he does I always give and cry and love him all the time. Even with no contact I am still giving him my tears, my thoughts, and my overall energy - I am the one that needs therapy. Sounds as if your ex was either not emotionally mature enough to handle you coming back or she really was taking her anger out on you for what you did in the past when you broke up with her, which is immature anyway. If she really cared about you, she wouldn't have acted like that. So, don't feel so guilty over someone who acted like that. If she reacted as I did, maybe you need to give this more thought, but until she gets out of her "I want to be young and reckless" stage, then you two will not meet eye to eye on things. I'm sorry to hear that - and I know what it's like to keep giving in to someone who contacts you only in their time of need - my ex only contacted me when she needed something and I was the one always being there for her, just like you, hoping 'this time will be different'. My ex didn't really react the way you did. I spent months apologizing every single day, ... she told me she loved me but then left me as if nothing had happened. She actually acted more like your ex... When I came back, my position was similar to yours because both of our exes had this power over us and we let them abuse that. Time and time again, I tried, and I can tell you did too... but after a year of being there for her unconditionally, I manned up. She was an emotional mess but I tried to make everything right for her but she just didn't want me. I think this is where you draw the line as well. Trust me, I know what it's like to give someone else everything and hope they'll see things your way but it's not worth it after so many failed attempts. That 'hope' is toxic... they have to want you just as much as you do. It's hard but you have to try your best to be strong, not look back and retain your pride. I can tell you're a genuinely loving person and you don't deserve someone who can't see you for who you really are.
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