7th year wedding anniversary today

[cuppa]

My husband already booked this nice restaurant months ago, I already got my dress from 3 months ago, and he bought me matching jewelries a few weeks ago.

 

For those who haven't followed my story, my husband and I agree to do trial separation a couple of weeks ago.

 

Today is a weird day, we are doing househunting (for my new place) and at the same time, celebrating our 7th year anniversary in the romantic restaurant.

 

Hard to describe how I feel at the moment...like sad, conflicted, depressed, regret....we both don't know if this is going to be our last celebration given what's going on.

 

But still, I am going to enjoy the night with him, dress all out, look beautiful, and try to have a good time with him.

[crazycatlady]

(((Cuppa))) Love is many things, but simple isn't one of them. I think its a testament to your love for each other that you can do these things together.

 

CCL

[Toodamnpragmatic]

My husband already booked this nice restaurant months ago, I already got my dress from 3 months ago, and he bought me matching jewelries a few weeks ago.

 

For those who haven't followed my story, my husband and I agree to do trial separation a couple of weeks ago.

 

Today is a weird day, we are doing househunting (for my new place) and at the same time, celebrating our 7th year anniversary in the romantic restaurant.

 

Hard to describe how I feel at the moment...like sad, conflicted, depressed, regret....we both don't know if this is going to be our last celebration given what's going on.

 

 

 

But still, I am going to enjoy the night with him, dress all out, look beautiful, and try to have a good time with him.

 

Why does he refuse to address the issue and acts like nothing is happening???? I feel like crap for you.....

 

Sorry to have posted this but I am just so upset for you.....

Edited March 21, 2010 by Toodamnpragmatic

[tommyr]

So how did the evening out go ?

Your situation is completely baffling to me, which somehow compels me to follow closely.

I just want to reach through the 'net and SMACK him over the head a few times with a clue stick.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

So how did the evening out go ?

Your situation is completely baffling to me, which somehow compels me to follow closely.

I just want to reach through the 'net and SMACK him over the head a few times with a clue stick.

 

Cuppa's husband drives me crazy. I just wish he came out of the closet and then at least we have the answer we can easily understand. But no..... He continues to go along like nothing is wrong. Buys gifts, plays the perfect gentleman and on and on..... Yet can't say "I love you" or "I am the one at fault and need to fix this".....

 

Cuppa, really you need to get far far away from him, because he is really messing up your head.....

[cuppa]

So how did the evening out go ?

Your situation is completely baffling to me, which somehow compels me to follow closely.

I just want to reach through the 'net and SMACK him over the head a few times with a clue stick.

 

It went well given the circumstances. I love the restaurant and found out that it was so popular that it took 2 months to book this one. Food was amazing and the price was quite reasonable for fine dining. So great food and trying something new is a passion of mine and it made me quite happy. He looked very handsome too.

 

About the companionship, he complimented on how beautiful I looked. So after a couple glasses of wine, I started telling him "I love you, thank you for the perfect evening". He said "I love you too". After the dinner, he felt a bit warm so we walked around the blocks. Kissed a few times in the car, got home around midnight, we kissed and then went to sleep.

 

None of us could proceed beyond kissing now, including myself. I know that in other areas (doing things we like), we are compatible in a lot of ways. I think we both feel hurt with what happened and still feel quite raw with what's going on in our relationship.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

It went well given the circumstances. I love the restaurant and found out that it was so popular that it took 2 months to book this one. Food was amazing and the price was quite reasonable for fine dining. So great food and trying something new is a passion of mine and it made me quite happy. He looked very handsome too.

 

About the companionship, he complimented on how beautiful I looked. So after a couple glasses of wine, I started telling him "I love you, thank you for the perfect evening". He said "I love you too". After the dinner, he felt a bit warm so we walked around the blocks. Kissed a few times in the car, got home around midnight, we kissed and then went to sleep.

 

None of us could proceed beyond kissing now, including myself. I know that in other areas (doing things we like), we are compatible in a lot of ways. I think we both feel hurt with what happened and still feel quite raw with what's going on in our relationship.

 

I can't stand it.... So he says "I love you" (after you), tells you how beautiful you are and then kisses you.

 

You say the highlighted portion and again have lost me. Shouldn't this be when he proves he loves you and f@#!'s your brains out????

 

I am sorry that is why I just am so pissed at him, as are others. He's playing you and making it more difficult..... Ughhhh:mad:....

 

I am now 95% sure he is gay..... I hope that is the answer.

[WalkInThePark]

I can't stand it.... So he says "I love you" (after you), tells you how beautiful you are and then kisses you.

 

You say the highlighted portion and again have lost me. Shouldn't this be when he proves he loves you and f@#!'s your brains out????

 

I am sorry that is why I just am so pissed at him, as are others. He's playing you and making it more difficult..... Ughhhh:mad:....

 

I am now 95% sure he is gay..... I hope that is the answer.

 

I am a woman and I feel the same anger. I find him so dishonest in this all. Making all these nice gestures but yet completely ignoring the fact that Cuppa desperately wants to have sex with him. It's beyond cruel. I would prefer him to hit her or to cheat on her, at least he wouldn't be such a perfect robot then.

 

Cuppa, I sometimes feel that you are manipulated by this guy. I mean, if he was a mean ********* then at least you could be angry with him and hate him and get him out of your life and your system. But because he is "nice" to you, you can't even do that coz it would make you feel guilty.

 

Have you ever thought about checking on him? Sending a PI after him to see if he cheats or has gay encounters. I am afraid that if you won't find out what his problem is, it will take you a lot more time than necessary to leave your marriage behind.

[cuppa]

I can't stand it.... So he says "I love you" (after you), tells you how beautiful you are and then kisses you.

 

You say the highlighted portion and again have lost me. Shouldn't this be when he proves he loves you and f@#!'s your brains out????

 

I am sorry that is why I just am so pissed at him, as are others. He's playing you and making it more difficult..... Ughhhh:mad:....

 

I am now 95% sure he is gay..... I hope that is the answer.

 

I guess the sex element is truly lost now. I can even feel the difference. When we kissed, we were very tentative like each was afraid to get hurt again (like he couldn't continue, I got upset the next days, etc).

 

We still care about each other, we love each other, but the passion & the sex, they go dormant at this point. At this point, I already knew so even I dressed to kill last night, I did it for me, I knew nothing would come out of it so without expectation, there is no disappointment.

[cuppa]

I am a woman and I feel the same anger. I find him so dishonest in this all. Making all these nice gestures but yet completely ignoring the fact that Cuppa desperately wants to have sex with him. It's beyond cruel. I would prefer him to hit her or to cheat on her, at least he wouldn't be such a perfect robot then.

 

Cuppa, I sometimes feel that you are manipulated by this guy. I mean, if he was a mean ********* then at least you could be angry with him and hate him and get him out of your life and your system. But because he is "nice" to you, you can't even do that coz it would make you feel guilty.

 

Have you ever thought about checking on him? Sending a PI after him to see if he cheats or has gay encounters. I am afraid that if you won't find out what his problem is, it will take you a lot more time than necessary to leave your marriage behind.

 

I don't think he's manipulative, he's like that. We each know that what we did in the past, we didn't do it out of malice intent.

 

Yes, I told him that he makes it much harder (still cooking breakfast every morning) and if he's a wife beater or a cheat or a drunk, it will be much easier for me. The thing is, I know that finding a nice man is much much harder than finding a good sex. Sex is very important but it's not in my top 3, it's in my top 5. I guess that's why the trial separation is still good though I now question since everything else is so good without the sex and the trial separation will pretty much the same without the sex, what does this do? I guess it's about me handling loneliness and hitting a low point alone (though he said he'll always be there for me and only a phone call away).

 

I even started to think that maybe life without kids is not bad after all. I don't know, my kickboxing partner is like that. Same age as mine, very active, and they both don't want to have kids. A new report from Times magazine now said Taiwan (he's born in Taiwan) has the lowest birth rate in the world. Women get married later and later, focused on their career, and chose not to have kids. I guess I can be part of that generation...or maybe I'm not thinking right at the moment

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I don't think he's manipulative, he's like that. We each know that what we did in the past, we didn't do it out of malice intent.

 

Yes, I told him that he makes it much harder (still cooking breakfast every morning) and if he's a wife beater or a cheat or a drunk, it will be much easier for me. The thing is, I know that finding a nice man is much much harder than finding a good sex. Sex is very important but it's not in my top 3, it's in my top 5. I guess that's why the trial separation is still good though I now question since everything else is so good without the sex and the trial separation will pretty much the same without the sex, what does this do? I guess it's about me handling loneliness and hitting a low point alone (though he said he'll always be there for me and only a phone call away).

 

I even started to think that maybe life without kids is not bad after all. I don't know, my kickboxing partner is like that. Same age as mine, very active, and they both don't want to have kids. A new report from Times magazine now said Taiwan (he's born in Taiwan) has the lowest birth rate in the world. Women get married later and later, focused on their career, and chose not to have kids. I guess I can be part of that generation...or maybe I'm not thinking right at the moment

 

as much as him. STOP IT!!!!!!! I am so upset with him and yet you keep looking for excuses, and now questioning the importance of sex and children in your life, because of the cruel, manipulative a$%hole.....

 

Please stop excusing his behaviour. He should have ripped your clothes off last night and "proven" himself.... Instead he played you!!!!

 

Thanks WITP.... More women need to join and tell Cuppa whats up.... As a man, maybe I am being unfair and bullying....

[crazycatlady]

I don't know, it seems like they are saying goodbye in their own way to each other. I find myself agreeing with whomever suggested that he is gay, or asexual and I don't think he's setting out to hurt her on purpose.

 

I don't think, Cuppa, you should give up on your dream of love, children, and passion. But you have to give up on it with him. You are moving on and moving out, and I see what you two are doing as your own way of saying goodbye and its hurting you both, but at the same time, but is allowing you both to avoid even more hurt and to remain friends if not lovers.

 

But that's my take on what she has posted.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

cuppa has made since day 1???? I have and her Husband is a manipulative, selfish, uncaring jerk. If he was not, he'd have done something to address these hangups... Instead he just leads her on and leaves her hurt, confused and unsure of the future..... What he does is all those little things a wife should adore from a husband... The gifts, the breakfasts, the cleaning and the caring for one spouse.... He does it to make her question the importance placed on such things as sex/children and loving mature relationship.

 

Cuppa now is left wondering whether she'll find a "decent" man, that her H purports to be. He is using her and playing her and she is confused and lost.

 

Last night was another prime example.... They played the perfect couple with no end result.....

Edited March 21, 2010 by Toodamnpragmatic

[crazycatlady]

I haven't gone back and read everything a second time, I think I got most of her posts read at least one. I guess I am more optimistic and don't like to assume people are manipulative on purpose. More, they just tend to be lost and confused themselves. I see his behavior more as he doesn't know how to give her what she needs, so he gives her what he can. And its not working. Both seem to be slowly acceptiong, and really, he should have let her go long ago, but love can be hard to let go of, even when its not working the way it should.

 

I think most people when leaving a relationship, or thinking of leaving a relationship, especially one that isn't horrible, worry if they will find anyone decent. There is a concern when its not bad that you are thinking grass is greener, and I don't think its something he's doing on purpose.

 

I would think if he was as manipulative as you think he is, then he would have had sex with her last night. That he would do just enough to keep her there longer. Not be helping her look for apartments.

 

I do think Cuppa needs to finish moving out and to get a divorce. I think she should pursue someone to fill her dreams with, have children, have a great and passionate marriage. But I don't think the divorce from her current husband needs to be done with bitterness and I think how they are handling it a good way to do it. Both loving and sad.

 

CCL

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Until you read from the beginning, which is simple using the search function under Cuppa's name, you know very little. She only started posting last month and it is heartbreaking what a sweet girl she is and how he's f^#ked with her head....

[TinyLee222]

I am a woman and I feel the same anger. I find him so dishonest in this all. Making all these nice gestures but yet completely ignoring the fact that Cuppa desperately wants to have sex with him. It's beyond cruel. I would prefer him to hit her or to cheat on her, at least he wouldn't be such a perfect robot then.

 

Cuppa, I sometimes feel that you are manipulated by this guy. I mean, if he was a mean ********* then at least you could be angry with him and hate him and get him out of your life and your system. But because he is "nice" to you, you can't even do that coz it would make you feel guilty.

 

>Have you ever thought about checking on him? Sending a PI after him to see if he cheats or has gay encounters. I am afraid that if you won't find out what his problem is, it will take you a lot more time than necessary to leave your marriage behind.

 

I absolutely agree with this advice. All that wining, dining and jewelry and the "f&*k" me shoes IMO he is showering you with is out of guilt. I think your self esteem has taken suck a pounding that any little crumb you get from him, makes you feel like you have a chance.

Listen Cuppa, Many of us have been in terrible relationships. It took me a long time to see my self worth, get myself strong with IC and leave my cheating, gambling 1st husband. I am now married to a wonderful guy who loves me and desires me. Now I understand your situation is different. IMO, I think it's worse. At least I knew what I was dealing with. You don't. I still think he is closeted and so ashamed of coming out. As I said, the gifts are to ease his intense guilt. The kissing is just cruel at this point. That is manipulative, mean and wrong. Did he initiate the kissing? Or did you?

 

I worry that you are questioning yourself now about not having children. This is something a few weeks ago you so dearly wanted. You are letting him take away your power! Get strong. I really think IC will help you see that he is not the man you want him to be. You can then move and find real love from a real man.

 

Lee

 

 

 

 

[Toodamnpragmatic]

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I absolutely agree with this advice. All that wining, dining and jewelry and the "f&*k" me shoes IMO he is showering you with is out of guilt. I think your self esteem has taken suck a pounding that any little crumb you get from him, makes you feel like you have a chance.

Listen Cuppa, Many of us have been in terrible relationships. It took me a long time to see my self worth, get myself strong with IC and leave my cheating, gambling 1st husband. I am now married to a wonderful guy who loves me and desires me. Now I understand your situation is different. IMO, I think it's worse. At least I knew what I was dealing with. You don't. I still think he is closeted and so ashamed of coming out. As I said, the gifts are to ease his intense guilt. The kissing is just cruel at this point. That is manipulative, mean and wrong. Did he initiate the kissing? Or did you?

 

I worry that you are questioning yourself now about not having children. This is something a few weeks ago you so dearly wanted. You are letting him take away your power! Get strong. I really think IC will help you see that he is not the man you want him to be. You can then move and find real love from a real man.

 

Lee

 

 

 

 

 

He is setting her up for the next man, who will I hope, love her, have sex with her, give her children, have a family.... but will he live up to that fairy-tale like expectation, do all those little things that current H does (almost without emotion, like it is some checklist in his head) with out actually being honest with her and doing the one thing she wants... go to counseling and confront his issues, which would have (if he is straight) hopefully salvaged their marriage.

 

He is scum (god I'm getting nasty).....

Edited March 22, 2010 by Toodamnpragmatic