soleharmony1123 Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 I know I may have asked this question before, because it really has me baffled still. Why does a man still call if he broke up with a woman claiming he needs space, time to think and get his life together? I just don't get it. I'm not contacting him, I'm reading my book by Susan Anderson - "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" and moving forward with my daily life - but he's still persistent in calling. But why? I guess if I could get to the bottom of that question, I'd be even more resolved in NC. I'm sticking to it - it's been almost 2 weeks now, but his messages are beginning to sound more and more sad, maybe remorseful is a better word...the tone of voice is coming across as he realizes/regrets he made a bad decision. His message today basically indicated that he hasn't heard from me in days now and he'd really like to talk to me, please call him.
ADF Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 What it might mean--probably does mean, in fact--is that he wants to maneuver you into some kind of FWB situation. He wants what he had before, only with no strings this time. I suggest you don't go there.
Author soleharmony1123 Posted March 20, 2010 Author Posted March 20, 2010 (edited) What it might mean--probably does mean, in fact--is that he wants to maneuver you into some kind of FWB situation. He wants what he had before, only with no strings this time. I suggest you don't go there. Maybe you're right - but I don't see where he would possibly try coming from that angle since I've been adamant that we cannot put this in reverse and go back to being friends. The FWB won't vibe since we've never been sexually intimate in the first place...but then...that's just the final phase of intimacy. That's part of the reason we broke up - he thought he could handle the "wait 'til married" but after spending time with me he said he couldn't handle it, and then it slowly progressed to the breakup. And the very next day he was still calling me. Sexual intimacy or no, I've been there for this man for 3 years as his soulmate. I know there are probably very few people who can truly relate to this - no offense. But I'm not your average bear - I'm a different breed and he knows I'd never go for FWB or anything remotely similar. Edited March 20, 2010 by soleharmony1123
TaraMaiden Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 He basically wants his cake and eat it. The choice is yours: you either tel him that if you get back together there have to be some ground-rules about respect, communication, Trust, effort, commitment.... or he can take a hike, because his return is conditional. Or - you carry on ignoring because as the adage goes, "Never go back". This break up will hang over you both like the sword of Damocles.... You know, you buy a brand new, beautiful jumper...it looks great on you.... but after a couple of days you pull a thread and make a hole in it. you repair it, and mend the hole. It still looks nice - but you know it's damaged.... and the damage will always be there, no matter how good the repair.... AS I said, your choice. Oh, and as a final "by the way".... I do take offence at your last comment.... I know there are probably very few people who can truly relate to this - no offense. But I'm not your average bear - I'm a different breed and he knows I'd never go for FWB or anything remotely similar. 'Average bear' or not.... there are more faithful, constant, happy and single-minded people that you ever know about. Because, unlike you, they have no need to post on here... your assumption that the majority cannot relate to you, is frankly presumptuous and more than a little insulting. you came on here for help. To then turn your last comment into something akin to "I'm not like most of you" is really shooting yourself in the foot. Unless, of course, I'm reading it wrong. Which I might be. But it doesn't seem like it.....
urt Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 Maybe you're right - but I don't see where he would possibly try coming from that angle since I've been adamant that we cannot put this in reverse and go back to being friends. The FWB won't vibe since we've never been sexually intimate in the first place...but then...that's just the final phase of intimacy. That's part of the reason we broke up - he thought he could handle the "wait 'til married" but after spending time with me he said he couldn't handle it, and then it slowly progressed to the breakup. And the very next day he was still calling me. Sexual intimacy or no, I've been there for this man for 3 years as his soulmate. I know there are probably very few people who can truly relate to this - no offense. But I'm not your average bear - I'm a different breed and he knows I'd never go for FWB or anything remotely similar. Well, it's clear that he wants *something* from you. Maybe he just wants emotional support while he's screwing other women, but more than likely he's still after the old FWB set up. You may be adamant that you won't go there, but are you sure that he realises that? Either way, you should *never* go back with someone who dumps you, EVER. Call the phone company right now and block his number from calling yours, then move on with your life.
LovelyDaze Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 I agree with most of the LS members when they tell you that your ex contacting you is probably not coming from a genuine place. In all of those messages, he hasn't yet said that he absolutely wants to see you to talk things over and work on the past relationship, right? Then don't pick up that phone. Anything less is your ex wanting a FWB situation or to at least keep you as a backup plan just in cast he doesn't find anyone else out there. Exes like to insult a dumpees' intelligence by popping up out of nowhere believing they can come back with little to no effort on their part.You know you are worth more than that so keep up the NC until he proves otherwise.
Author soleharmony1123 Posted March 21, 2010 Author Posted March 21, 2010 He basically wants his cake and eat it. The choice is yours: you either tel him that if you get back together there have to be some ground-rules about respect, communication, Trust, effort, commitment.... or he can take a hike, because his return is conditional. Or - you carry on ignoring because as the adage goes, "Never go back". This break up will hang over you both like the sword of Damocles.... You know, you buy a brand new, beautiful jumper...it looks great on you.... but after a couple of days you pull a thread and make a hole in it. you repair it, and mend the hole. It still looks nice - but you know it's damaged.... and the damage will always be there, no matter how good the repair.... AS I said, your choice. Oh, and as a final "by the way".... I do take offence at your last comment.... 'Average bear' or not.... there are more faithful, constant, happy and single-minded people that you ever know about. Because, unlike you, they have no need to post on here... your assumption that the majority cannot relate to you, is frankly presumptuous and more than a little insulting. you came on here for help.. To then turn your last comment into something akin to "I'm not like most of you" is really shooting yourself in the foot. Unless, of course, I'm reading it wrong. Which I might be. But it doesn't seem like it..... TaraMaiden, I am operating under the entire concept of NC...that being No Contact. Why would I tell him anything when I'm under NC? Actions speak louder than words and since he hasn't made it clear through his phone calls/messages what his intentions are nor what's on his mind, I will not help him along either way. Now, as for your taking offense to my statement, I offer no apologies for how you TOOK it because that was not my intent. I believe most of us are adults here and I'm as free to make a statement about not being the "average bear" as any one who feels free to state my ex is looking for an FWB setup with me when he knows I would never accept that kind of arrangement. Shooting myself in the foot???...:laugh:hahhh, honey, I'm still standing and always will be. I don't need any one or any thing but God, air and water. While it's nice to receive helpful advice/insight from those who have been so kind thus far on this site, I will not suffer a breakdown if I don't get responses here. My knack for finding resources is so bountiful...I know how to expand my resources. You've got the wrong one. And, for WHATEVER the reason my ex is calling, HE'S the one picking up the phone - not me.
Author soleharmony1123 Posted March 21, 2010 Author Posted March 21, 2010 (edited) I agree with most of the LS members when they tell you that your ex contacting you is probably not coming from a genuine place. In all of those messages, he hasn't yet said that he absolutely wants to see you to talk things over and work on the past relationship, right? Then don't pick up that phone. Anything less is your ex wanting a FWB situation or to at least keep you as a backup plan just in cast he doesn't find anyone else out there. Exes like to insult a dumpees' intelligence by popping up out of nowhere believing they can come back with little to no effort on their part.You know you are worth more than that so keep up the NC until he proves otherwise. LovelyDaze, no, my ex hasn't said anything about talking things over and working on the past relationship. Not at all. And I'm sticking to NC as if my life depended on it. You hit the nail on the head when you said if he was sincere he would be calling and trying to see me. Before I started NC, he had quite a few opportunities to ask to see me but he did not. Instead, it's all been small talk and basically trying to see how I'm thinking. I give him nothing - I've always remained civil to him and cut the conversation short after 5-10 minutes depending on my mood. He's tried to ask how my kids are doing, what we've been up to, do I need him to talk to my younger son, etc (he's coming out of a rebellious stage). He hasn't popped up out of nowhere - he's never disappeared - he calls every day or every 2-3 days, at the least. But, would it really make sense for him to try and suggest FWB if we've not been intimate? Why would he ask to be a friend with benefits when we had agreed to postpone "benefits" in our relationship? To drive home the point even further, FWB would cost him dearly in terms of mileage, transportation, etc., if we were on that level. I'I agree that he's probably still trying to have a backup plan in case something else doesn't work out. Edited March 21, 2010 by soleharmony1123
hoping2heal Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 I know I may have asked this question before, because it really has me baffled still. Why does a man still call if he broke up with a woman claiming he needs space, time to think and get his life together? I just don't get it. I'm not contacting him, I'm reading my book by Susan Anderson - "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" and moving forward with my daily life - but he's still persistent in calling. But why? I guess if I could get to the bottom of that question, I'd be even more resolved in NC. I'm sticking to it - it's been almost 2 weeks now, but his messages are beginning to sound more and more sad, maybe remorseful is a better word...the tone of voice is coming across as he realizes/regrets he made a bad decision. His message today basically indicated that he hasn't heard from me in days now and he'd really like to talk to me, please call him. OP in a perfect world all adults who dated would be level headed, stable people. Unfortunately, that is just not the realistic world we live in. There are those with sociopathic tendancies, those who are just plain confused. The flat out unstable. The closet unstable. The bored. The unsure. The still trying to figure themselves out. Those with a huge indulgent sense of entitlement. There are those who genuinely make a mistake and are remorseful and those who just want something to thrill them and play games. It's a confusing world out there but I will tell you this. The people who are trully sincere will do more than words. If this guy at some point does something beyond phone stalking - it's possible he really did just make a mistake and is sorry.
threebyfate Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 No matter how hard you try to guess his motivations, most often you'll be wrong. And, it doesn't really matter what you guess his motivations to be. What matters is if he's willing to give you what you want from him. So how do you find out what he wants from you? The only way to figure that out is to straight out ask, in one text message: "What do you want from me?" If his response is ambiguous or not what you want to hear, don't respond anymore. If his response is what you want to hear, then you get what you want.
LovelyDaze Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 I'I agree that he's probably still trying to have a backup plan in case something else doesn't work out. Good. Because an ex who used to be loving and kind can turn into selfish and untrustworthy in a matter of seconds. I think the first day you stop accepting his calls is the first day that you will be on the road to really healing. Getting over an ex thoroughly and honestly is hard work! I KNOW!!! I still have moments where I wonder what the harm would be in "re-friending" him on Facebook, sending him an e-mail or letter to where he is on duty in Afghanistan. What harm will it do, I think? EVERYTHING! It would be 100 great steps forward and 1,000,000 steps back! I feel so much better when I wake up in the morning knowing I didn't give in. If this guy at some point does something beyond phone stalking - it's possible he really did just make a mistake and is sorry. As you have recognized, soleharmony, he would have to be 100% wanting to work on whatever problems caused the breakup and fix it. You don't need crumbs.
Author soleharmony1123 Posted March 21, 2010 Author Posted March 21, 2010 No matter how hard you try to guess his motivations, most often you'll be wrong. And, it doesn't really matter what you guess his motivations to be. What matters is if he's willing to give you what you want from him. So how do you find out what he wants from you? The only way to figure that out is to straight out ask, in one text message: "What do you want from me?" If his response is ambiguous or not what you want to hear, don't respond anymore. If his response is what you want to hear, then you get what you want. ThreebyFate, I'm under No Contact and since texting is a mode of contact, I can't follow your suggestion...although that would have been a good idea if I was communicating with my ex.
SarahRose Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 It's either FWB or an ego stroke. Just keep ignoring him change your phone number if you have to I hear stories about guys who will keep in contact calling and promising the moon when they are bored or lonely then after they meet someone else they never hear from them again. Don't be his emotional tampon or therapist.
Author soleharmony1123 Posted March 21, 2010 Author Posted March 21, 2010 Good. Because an ex who used to be loving and kind can turn into selfish and untrustworthy in a matter of seconds. I think the first day you stop accepting his calls is the first day that you will be on the road to really healing. Getting over an ex thoroughly and honestly is hard work! I KNOW!!! I still have moments where I wonder what the harm would be in "re-friending" him on Facebook, sending him an e-mail or letter to where he is on duty in Afghanistan. What harm will it do, I think? EVERYTHING! It would be 100 great steps forward and 1,000,000 steps back! I feel so much better when I wake up in the morning knowing I didn't give in. As you have recognized, soleharmony, he would have to be 100% wanting to work on whatever problems caused the breakup and fix it. You don't need crumbs. LovelyDaze, NC has returned "power" that I felt I had lost when I was still accepting some of his calls. These past 12 days of complete NC have been a great stepping stone toward healing. I'm still angry, no doubt, but I'm channeling that anger in appropriate ways like housecleaning, exercise, journaling, etc. My bathroom & kitchen floors have never shined brighter!! lol!!! I don't know if I'll ever get to the point where I'm able to simply hit "delete" when he leaves voicemail messages...I'm just too curious.
threebyfate Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 ThreebyFate, I'm under No Contact and since texting is a mode of contact, I can't follow your suggestion...although that would have been a good idea if I was communicating with my ex. No contact isn't a religion!
Author soleharmony1123 Posted March 21, 2010 Author Posted March 21, 2010 No contact isn't a religion! threebyfate, you're right - NC is not a religion, but I intend to follow it to the letter, as if it is. Returning to feelings of insecurity or questioning my self-worth ARE NOT OPTIONS. No mode of contact is worth losing the sense of balance I've regained through NC. The power of No Contact is amazing! And I'm just into completing my 2nd week (12 days)...
Author soleharmony1123 Posted March 21, 2010 Author Posted March 21, 2010 It's either FWB or an ego stroke. Just keep ignoring him change your phone number if you have to I hear stories about guys who will keep in contact calling and promising the moon when they are bored or lonely then after they meet someone else they never hear from them again. Don't be his emotional tampon or therapist. SarahRose, I like that..."don't be his emotional tampon or therapist."
carhill Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 he thought he could handle the "wait 'til married" OP, does this mean what I think it does? No sex until marriage? If so, that impacts the dynamic of your breakup and his actions and motivations differently than if you had an intimate *and* sexual relationship. Comments?
Twenty-ten Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 You need to ask him not us. "If you wanted space, why do you still contact me?"
LovelyDaze Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 LovelyDaze, NC has returned "power" that I felt I had lost when I was still accepting some of his calls. These past 12 days of complete NC have been a great stepping stone toward healing. I'm still angry, no doubt, but I'm channeling that anger in appropriate ways like housecleaning, exercise, journaling, etc. My bathroom & kitchen floors have never shined brighter!! lol!!! I don't know if I'll ever get to the point where I'm able to simply hit "delete" when he leaves voicemail messages...I'm just too curious. Shiny, bright floors is never a bad thing! I understand the thing about not deleting voicemails. I continued to listen and read the e-mails just shaking my head in disbelief. It confirmed that I SHOULD keep NC and never respond to him verbally or by networking ever again. But if you feel you could fall for anything your ex has to say in any of those messages, I would delete them immediately. One day, you'll feel so indifferent about your ex that you will roll your eyes when you see his number. I have an old ex from years ago calling me lately and I just laugh it off. There was a time I would have given ANYTHING to hear his voice again. Now, I laugh at his message, delete it and go about my daily business!
threebyfate Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 threebyfate, you're right - NC is not a religion, but I intend to follow it to the letter, as if it is. Returning to feelings of insecurity or questioning my self-worth ARE NOT OPTIONS. No mode of contact is worth losing the sense of balance I've regained through NC. The power of No Contact is amazing! And I'm just into completing my 2nd week (12 days)...Okay, so you're determined to move on! Then by all means, stick to NC.
Author soleharmony1123 Posted March 21, 2010 Author Posted March 21, 2010 (edited) Shiny, bright floors is never a bad thing! I understand the thing about not deleting voicemails. I continued to listen and read the e-mails just shaking my head in disbelief. It confirmed that I SHOULD keep NC and never respond to him verbally or by networking ever again. But if you feel you could fall for anything your ex has to say in any of those messages, I would delete them immediately. One day, you'll feel so indifferent about your ex that you will roll your eyes when you see his number. I have an old ex from years ago calling me lately and I just laugh it off. There was a time I would have given ANYTHING to hear his voice again. Now, I laugh at his message, delete it and go about my daily business! I have discovered that with each phone call and voicemail message from him I feel stronger and more in control of my feelings. I guess I should probably say NOT loving him isn't an option for me either. We have history and I'm just not wired that way. I will never stop loving him, but I also will never forget how he betrayed my love, trust and our relationship. Edited March 21, 2010 by soleharmony1123
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