GunSlinger4426 Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 Hello... I am new to this forum. I figure I have nothing to lose, so here it is... My gf broke up with me about a month ago stating that we are at different points in our lives. She has kids from a previous marriage, we got together immediately after her divorce. At first I didn't take the relationship seriously, I thought I was just a rebound. But our love grew, and we were together for 2.5 years. All this time she has been trying to spend as much time with her kids as possible, her ex husband is bitter and resentful. They now have joint custody. In the past 6 months or so, I saw her interest in me decline. She said that she simply cannot fit us all in her life (her kids and me) and that she cannot be a good mother and a good partner at the same time. I started reading "how to get ex back" materials even before the break up. When it happened, I was prepared, I agreed it was the best thing to do (even though inside I wanted to cry). The next day I sent her en email wishing her good luck and she replied saying that she's having second thoughts. Then I went into NC. Sure enough, 17 days later she called “just to hear my voice”. After that we started casually talking/texting, almost daily. In the meantime she has made some changes in her life, she started running (something that I do), and she doesn't seem emotionally drained as before. At one point she told me she missed me. I still kept my guard up. It's been 4 days now since our last contact (longest since she broke NC) and I am going crazy. But I promised myself I would not initiate contact now, because I did it the last 3 times. I feel that she gave me very positive signs, but now nothing for 4 days and counting. I am worried that I’ll have to go thru all this pain once again, just when I thought I was on the right track to get her back? Any advice? How to proceed? Your thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Thanks
spriggig Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 ... I started reading "how to get ex back" materials even before the break up. You started off fine--went straight into NC. So what's all this about "After that we started casually talking/texting, almost daily."? If you want her back, the ONLY thing you let THEM talk about AT LENGTH is the relationship. They set up the meeting, they set the topic. If they don't get around to discussing how much they miss you and want you back at all costs, YOU politely end the meeting and go on with your life. I think, right now all you're doing is being her friend and you DON'T want to be her friend. It's all or nothing, right? Or no?
Author GunSlinger4426 Posted March 21, 2010 Author Posted March 21, 2010 (edited) Thanks for your advice. It is all or nothing. I am not interested in friendship. When I said that we have been communicating almost daily since she broke NC, I didnt mean that we chitchat like old friends. Thus far we have had a couple of casual phone conversations, 10-15 min long. I tease her and even flirt a little when we talk. She also needed my advice about something concerning her (never-ending) custody battle. There were two hints from her that made me think we could get back together. On one occasion she said she missed me, and on another one she said that she has been thinking about me. But after that nothing. That is why I joined this forum, because now I am a bit confused. I am not initiating any more contacts and I am sticking to my guns no matter what... unless someone gives me a good reason not to Edited March 21, 2010 by GunSlinger4426
spriggig Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 Thanks for your advice. It is all or nothing. I am not interested in friendship. When I said that we have been communicating almost daily since she broke NC, I didnt mean that we chitchat like old friends. Thus far we have had a couple of casual phone conversations, 10-15 min long. I tease her and even flirt a little when we talk. She also needed my advice about something concerning her (never-ending) custody battle. Other people may chime in with their thoughts, I'll stick to using NC to attempt reconciliation because that is what I've studied and that is what I'm attempting now with my STBXW. The idea is to give every impression that you have MOVED ON and are not her friend and will not be her friend. Remember people want what they can't have, if you flirt with her she knows you're interested and she feels reassured that she can go off and play and she still has you on the hook--she's not thinking this explicitly, she just FEELS it. Ideally, through NC you'll actually get to the point where you don't want her so much and you won't need to just "give the impression". Next time she calls, emails, texts or even drops by, make sure you're "too busy right now"--meaning don't answer right away, let the text sit for a day or two before responding. If she drops by unannounced let her know that you're "on your way out" and get up and leave. You can't make it too easy for her. Also, she needs to feel the pain or at least the inconvenience of not having you around. You can't help her with her problems--that's what friends do. When you do meet her--and it's best to meet her if you're feeling better about yourself so she can SEE you and SMELL you---you have to look as much like a new, relaxed and happy man as you can--new clothes, very well groomed, well rested. Never bring up the relationship first--you've moved on. If she doesn't bring up the relationship within an hour, you leave and go back into NC. And this time, in NC, take even longer to respond to her next contact. If she does bring up the relationship, hold back--YOU'VE MOVED ON. Give her the impression that YOU MIGHT take her back. You don't want her, she wants you, otherwise why would she want to talk about the relationship? Always remember--she only wants what she can't have. She came back sniffing around to see if you are still her security blanket--she's not there to get back together. It's only when she sees the "new" you--the you that NC has given you time to work on, the you that she fell in love with at first--that she starts to think maybe she still loves you. She just handed you back the power in the relationship by the slimmest margins. She took one step toward you. Now you have to take one step back. She is now just "one woman in your (imaginary) harem" and that is how you have to treat her until she has earned the choice spot under your wing. The minute she thinks you NEED her, she is gone. It's OK to want her a little. Any of this sound familiar? Take a look at this to understand how guys can get too needy and turn a woman off. When you get dumped it's really easy to become a "niceguy": http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/niceguys/niceguys.shtml
Author GunSlinger4426 Posted March 21, 2010 Author Posted March 21, 2010 Let me start by saying thank you again for your reply. I really appreciate it. She called me a few hours ago (I had not read your reply before she called). But more or less I did what you advised. I kept the conversation brief, about 5 minutes, and I let her do most of the talking. I told her that I was on my way to see a friend (which was actually true), and ended the conversation. She basically called to see what I'd been up to in the last few days. Nothing major. Ever since the breakup I haven't done anything that might have come across as needy. Ok, I gave her my advice concerning her biggest issue in her life right now, her kids... When I flirted with her on couple of occasions my message was that I was too big a challenge for her. She just laughed and kinda went along with it. I understand what I need to do. Your advice is great, and I believe I have been doing just that... moving on, but at the same time hoping she would come back (why else would I be here on this forum). If this goes on for too long, do you think I should tell her straight that I am not interested in friendship, or should I just continue to play aloof?
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