Away Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 I've been with my current boyfriend for almost 8 months now, out of which we were living in the same city for the first 4. Before we started dating I already new he was moving 10,000 miles away (not a typo, TEN THOUSAND miles)... I thought he would be somebody fun to date for however long he was going to be here before leaving, and that most likely everything would end when he left. He turned out to be far more amazing then I could've imagined... and those 4 months were the happiest I have had in a very VERY long time. He felt the same way about me, so we decided to try to make the long distance work once he left. I feel like I'm on this stupid rollercoaster ever since... He calls me very often, almost every single day. We do web cam once a week sometimes more... but he just seems so aloof sometimes. I sent him text messages or emails saying I love you that he soemtiems doesn-'t reply to... He has never ever told me he misses me... when we talk is almost as if I were talking to my mother... I don't know... sometimes I think that he might've fallen out of love with me because of the distance but just doesn't say anything. One of my friends says I'm being crazy because in a month he will be traveling those 10,000 miles and more to come to a wedding with me. She says that that should be worth saying I love you for a whole month, that by doing that he's showing me he loves me. I try to focus on the things that he does do... like calling me every day... making the effort to come to the wedding... but still.. how could he be more affectionate when he was here? Send me more e mails and text messeges saying sweet little things when I saw him everyday.. and now that he's gone... he rarely ever says stuff like that anymore.. it feels to me like he's just one of those out of sight out of mind people (like I used to be), and doesn't care about me as much anymore... SOrry for the long, rambling post. I just needed to get this out of my system.
aerogurl87 Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 Or it could be that he's one of those guys who is better at showing how they feel rather than saying it (my ex was like that pretty much). Some people aren't so comfortable with verbally communicating how they feel since they think their actions should say it all. Question: Did he start out being extra romantic (my ex did)? Or was he always less inclined to say things like random "I love you"s and "I miss you"s? I think the answer to your questions lies somewhere within the answers to those questions.
Author Away Posted March 21, 2010 Author Posted March 21, 2010 Well... he is that sort of guy I guess. He doesn't talk about his feelings much, I know that, so I don't expect him to write me love letters and poems and stuff... But, when he was here, and we first got together he would sometimes send me text messages with little kisses and stuff... he would tell me things, like i was awesome or something along that line. When he first left, he said I love you a lot more... ughhh Maybe I'm just being stupid... I don't know how to tell him that I need more reassurance without sounding needy... Maybe I am needy! OH GOD! I HATE needyyyy and clingy!! It's just hard, to feel that our relationship is growing, and the love is still there if I don't know what the hell he's thinking or feeling. Thanks for your reply!
Finissima Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 I feel like I'm in a similar situation to you Away. Some people are better than others in long distance relationships...and it sounds like our partners aren't the greatest. For a guy who has a hard time expressing his feelings in a normal relationship, they can seem soo distant and cold when you are in LDR. Of course, if you're like me...the more distant and chill he is, the more needy you get. My best advice is to just try to occupy your time and do things that make you happy and fill the time you aren't talking. If you are happier, you will come to your conversations and web cam sessions cheerier and better able to understand he does care, he just has a hard time expressing it over text message or on the phone. Or...express to him that you are finding it hard and that even though he might not, you need a little gesture every once in a while to feel close. If he's a good guy...he will try to do this for you.
aerogurl87 Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 Yep Away, my ex was the same way and we weren't even in a LDR... but he started out with the sweet little texts, then they died off. When I asked him why, he basically said that all that stuff wasn't how he really was. For some that would've been ok, but considering I'm the type of person who has to hear and see how my partner feels in order to be happy in a relationship, it just didn't work for me. Now Finissima gave some good advice about trying to occupy your time and telling how you feel. Hopefully if you tell him how you feel he'll put in an effort to try and do those things you love a little more, but if not you have to ask yourself if you can be happy without those things.
Els Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 (edited) I'm in the same boat as you guys. I find that quite a handful of men aren't quite able to express their affection through verbal/textual means... and those same men are the kind who tend to 'put the relationship on hold' while unable to have real life contact. They'll put in the effort to maintain it, but they aren't nearly as affectionate, enthusiastic, or excited about it as they are IRL (although they still maintain varying degrees of affection). Fewer women are like this, IMO. I would think of what he does do as opposed to what he doesn't do. For me, he doesn't say sweet and affectionate stuff (he usually doesn't IRL either, but tight hugs and the look in his eyes is more than enough there), but he does make the effort to Skype me everyday even when he's dog tired, for as long as possible, instead of pursuing his own hobbies. So I concentrate on the latter and believe that the former will be better when we're together again IRL, as it always is. He'll be coming to see you soon, right? Maybe you can see how he is then, and then you can figure out whether the problem is him truly pulling away, or just him handling distance differently from you? Edited March 21, 2010 by Elswyth
Shucky Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 I'm currently on 8 months LDR, following about 7 months of being together, it has been a massive learning curve for me. I'm a regular guy, telling her I loved her was one of the biggest moments in my life. Heck when we booked a weekend to Milan it was the most committed thing I'd ever done with a woman. It has taken me time to become easy with saying things like I love you, I miss you, and expressing my feelings can be difficult because I don't want to look stupid. The third time I ever cried in my adult life (basically 10 years) was when she left England last July...since there its been a rollarcoaster and tears have flown more than once. Don't expect miracles from your man in a very short time, but DO talk to him about it. The reason I have become more vocal is because I want my g/f to be happy, and it was only after knowing about these type of issues that I could understand what she wanted and needed. If you don't talk to him about it he will never know, and if he thinks that makes you too needy and wont do it for you, then I guess you have your answer about him. If he truly loves you he will (slowly no doubt) change his ways, but don't push him from one extreme to another, let him find his own way...also, if he does make the effort to do x (a romantic gesture/a mention of how much he misses you) make sure you let him know how much it means to you when he does things like x... :-) x
mammax3 Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 It's hard when one person expresses themselves verbally, and the other has a hard time with that. I wish I had some suggestions or advice, but I'm struggling with the same thing. He finds it easier IRL, and I'm very vocal. It's not an easy thing for him because he's not from a very demonstrative family, so I suspect my verbal affection is unusual and weird for him. Thanks for your perspective, Shucky.
Author Away Posted March 22, 2010 Author Posted March 22, 2010 Thanks for your comments, everyone!! I guess I will talk to him... I'll probably wait until I see him next month... it's still 6 weeks away... but I think it might be better to wait and tell him face to face because I don't want him to misinterpret anything... I know that when you love somebody you're not supposed to want them to change... but, with this huge distance between us, I do need a little more than he's giving me. Thanks again!
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