I want to move... he is hesitant. !

[wanderingstar]

My partner and I have been together two years. The last year and a half have long distance. Our relationship has been good, has had it's ups and downs but the last few months it's been dragging me down. I want to end the distance. I've voiced this to him a few times and am willing to move to his country as I in a good position to do so and it's easier for me to get a visa. He has been dragging his ... however and it concerns me. I let my concerns be known which lead to a argument and me asking for space, but we fell into the same pattern of communication daily (for hours at a time) - seems like we're attached at the hip.

 

But the issue is still there, I want to move forward in our relationship and feel that the only way we can do that is if we live in the same country. I'm not even asking for marriage (though the thought has crossed my mind!) or to live in the same home, I can secure these things on my own but I need to be in the same city so that we can date and see if this thing we have can be taken to the next level. I feel like we're in limbo at the moment.

 

He says that he just needs to sort his feelings out and when asked he said that he still wants to date me, be in a relationship, but cannot give me a end date - month even! That's not the way to a successful ldr.

 

I have no doubt this man loves me however if he's unsure of things, it makes me unsure of things and I am starting to slowly disconnect with him. I've even stopped anticipating the next time I'd make the venture there and started to think about plans that involve just me, not us. I guess I'm just frustrated and tired. I want action and feel that I've been more than patience as it has been two years. First seven months we were in the same city - and out of the last 1.5 years I've spent 9 months in his country off and on on a tourist visa.

 

A friend, who lives in that country, suggested I just move there but have no expectations of him. She knows I've fallen in love with the country and wanted to live there anyways however I feel slightly at odds with this because even though if I moved there I'd be okay with being there a great part of me wants him to want me there too.

 

We've had some big conversations about things but it doesn't seem to get settled other than him telling me he needs some time to thing about things. Is it wrong of me to think, we've been together 2 years - either you know or you don't?

 

Well a couple of days ago he asked for some space, which I am giving him, he's contacted me a couple of times just to check in, and it's given me some time to think... I really don't want to let him go but I will if there is no future for us.

 

What do you think? What would you do in my shoes? Do you think I should ask him for one last final time what does he see in our future? Mention the possibility of me moving there without his consent? I don't know at this point and it'd be great to get a few opinions. Thanks in advance.

[Els]

Just to confirm... you want to apply for a fiance visa to go there? Or you had another sort of visa in mind?

[wanderingstar]

Elswyth - no not a fiance visa a work visa.

 

cannedstarfish - I agree with you about the things on his terms. I feel this way at times. But as for the space, that doesn't bother me as I asked for it about a month ago. I needed some time to think as we usually talk everyday up to 10 hours sometimes. (He hasn't cut me off, we're just taking a few days) We never took that space that was needed which is why I meant we just continued. He just ask for space two days ago, dropped me a email the next day saying good morning. I do believe that he's taking the same breather that I asked for given the amount of time we do communicate with one another it's reasonable. I don't think he's phasing me out of the relationship (I've been phased out before by men sad but true!). I don't feel distance from him by this request, I'm ok with giving him some breathing room however, that being said... yes my hopes on his reaction about me wanting to move I thought would be more positive. However I get the feeling that he is a little freaked out about the possibilties of a even more committed future with me, ie marriage and kids.

 

I'm more inclined to think of this situation as a man who's not sure what he wants. He wants me. He doesn't want me. Has anyone else dealt with that?

 

Sometimes I think how do you deal with a situation like that other than just to make the decision for them...

 

** For the record no one else is involved in the relationship (no infidelity, flirting, etc) if that were the case I'd be out with no hesitations. I've been cheated on before and I have no tolerance for it. **

[aerogurl87]

Space in a LDR? I'm sorry, but I have to agree with cannedstarfish. You have lots of space in a LDR, hundreds (if not thousands) of miles usually. That plus him not being happy about you wanting to be closer to him is a red flag to me. You've been dating 2 years and he still wants you to live far away from him? Is there a reason why, a valid one? I know you say there is no one else involved here, but really how do you know? And even if you're correct, how do you know he isn't looking for a way out of the relationship, because that's what it sounds like to me. I know the plot, they tell you they need space, then that turns into "I need someone here with me and you can't be that right now", which turns into "this is too hard", and then the break up occurs. Been there before myself. But anyway I'm just saying these are things you need to think about while you're giving him "space" (the things I highlighted in bold).

[SarahRose]

You've been with this guy 2 years and he doesn't want you with him...how much more insulting could he possibly be?

 

You said you have been there to visit him many times. How many times has he been to visit you?

 

I think he is looking for a way out.

 

Don't let this lukewarm guy degrade you any more.

 

You want someone who is thrilled to be with you. He isn't.

 

I would just put him on the backburner and date others as what you have now isn't any sort of relationship.

[hoping2heal]

Yes, something doesn't smell right here. Together 2 years and he doesn't want you to relocate to where he is? You didn't ask to move in, just to relocate closer to where he is- and he doesn't like that idea? This guy doesn't sound serious about you at all. Maybe there is really no one else, but he still isn't very serious about you regardless. As much as it sounds like he is living a double life there (maybe he is) it's also possible he isn't, that there isn't another a woman he just simply has no plans for the two of you in the long term and doesn't want the "baggage". Whichever of the scenarios is correct they both add up to the same thing in the end.

[wanderingstar]

Wow ladies... wow

 

I guess we differ on the space issue which as I said I'm fine with. If you read before, our talks normally last over 4-6 hours a day. I was fine with taking it and him taking it. Space does not equal breaking up in my eyes - space just means that. Space. No one has been ignoring each other - a sent text/email gets responded to. He's even checked in a copule times. Don't get all riled up and make nothing into something. I'm okay with giving and getting space. So we may not speak for 4-6 hours a couple of days, we've texted which is a little lighter than normal but it's okay.

 

Okay once again. We have been together for 2 years. The first 7 months he lived in my country, we dated throughout this time and saw each other weekly. When he returned to his country he flew me over and I stayed for 2 months. I returned again another month later for 3 months and then again for 3 months and another 2 towards the end of the year. We just finished a month long holiday. So out of the 2 years we've been together... we have spent 16 months together just not all at one time.

 

SarahRose - It was my choice to go to him in his country because frankly I'm a adventurer and after the first time, I decided I really really liked it. I always wanted to live outside of my country. He has paid for two of the trips and we split the last two by using all of his frequent flier miles. I have friends there as well that I'd not seen for years.

 

aerogurl87 - Valid reason? Other than his uncertainty could be financial. He's been bouncing around for a bit at the moment. And the thing you highlighted in bold... I responded below.

 

No. He is not involved with anyone else. That's not the issue. I'm not paranoid about it one bit. Sure he could. Anyone could. It'd even be easier since there is distance, I'm not naive. But no, not an issue.

 

But it's kind of crazy to me that so many have jumped on the he must be living a double life and cheating on me train makes me think this was the wrong forum to bring my concerns to.

 

However I do hear you sarahrose, I DO want someone to be thrilled about me, thrilled that I'd even consider to move to their country and want to start a life with them. So we shall see. Sooner rather than later.

[wanderingstar]

Actually...

 

I think it was a mistake to post here. I'm sorry if I've gotten a bit defensive, I was hoping for some help but as a couple of folks first assumption was he must be cheating on me, this wasn't the direction I was heading for. I reread what I wrote and nothing insinuated that I thought he was being unfaithful, that's all... I'm sorry if others have had situations where their ldr has had this element in it.

 

Thank you all for your advice. Some of it I will embrace and the rest...

[SarahRose]

Actually...

 

I think it was a mistake to post here. I'm sorry if I've gotten a bit defensive, I was hoping for some help but as a couple of folks first assumption was he must be cheating on me, this wasn't the direction I was heading for. I reread what I wrote and nothing insinuated that I thought he was being unfaithful, that's all... I'm sorry if others have had situations where their ldr has had this element in it.

 

Thank you all for your advice. Some of it I will embrace and the rest...

 

I think people tend to jump on the cheating bandwagon here. I guess you never really know but my points were his lack of enthusiasm about ending the long distance.

 

I think it is a red flag he never made the effort to fly to see you. It is really easy to write out a check and book a ticket online from the comfort of your computer but much more of an effort to schedule the time off of work and get on a plane and go to where you are.

 

I guess my main point is he should be thrilled and making future plans for you both to be together and he isn't. That is insulting and a huge red flag.

 

Think of how excited you would be be together in the same place. He should feel the same way and he doesn't. Doesn't really matter the reason why he just doesn't.

[wanderingstar]

sarahrose - thanks for that response....

 

I didn't want him to fly back to my country... I wanted to fly out there. All of the time. He offered and often wanted to come back to visit with me and see old friends. It honestly had/s to do with my time in this city is over and I saw no need for him to come here. And... work. I can work remotely. But he's unable to. So with his holiday hours we went on a six week vacation this past December/January.

 

It just kind of made since to me that I flew to him. It was 100% my choice as I am unhappy with my city currently. He offered and wanted to fly to me to revisit the city he lived in for so long and visit old friends but as he just had one vacation left we took the six weeks this past December/January and went international. My position can be done remotely but he is unable to. He has met my parents as well, who flew over there last summer on their dream vacation.

 

I'm just a little confused with his actions I guess. On one hand I agree with you 100% I think hey! be thrilled! He doesn't seem too thrilled only hesitant. On the other hand I'm conflicted because he does talk future with me sort of. Kids, marriage, our place. But then isn't moving towards it in a speed that I am comfortable with. If we hadn't been together for so long I'd offer him some additional time to think things through but I really do believe that whether he means to or not, he's blowing it. The fact that I'm here says that there is a bigger issue.

 

I'll let you guys know what the final outcome is either way.

[hoping2heal]

Wow ladies... wow

 

I guess we differ on the space issue which as I said I'm fine with. If you read before, our talks normally last over 4-6 hours a day. I was fine with taking it and him taking it. Space does not equal breaking up in my eyes - space just means that. Space. No one has been ignoring each other - a sent text/email gets responded to. He's even checked in a copule times. Don't get all riled up and make nothing into something. I'm okay with giving and getting space. So we may not speak for 4-6 hours a couple of days, we've texted which is a little lighter than normal but it's okay.

 

This all sounds good and fine and dandy. On paper it all sounds nice. However, it just doesn't add up, not really. He is okay with spending 4-6 hours a day in conversation with you - but he is NOT okay with you relocating to be in the same town with him? You can turn a blind eye to that all you want - it isn't going to change your relationship dynamic because you turn a blind eye to something. I dont know how many times we tell people something they didn't want to hear on this board and they either write us off or snap at us. The thing is though, the only person it's going to really hurt is you. If you continue on with this guy for another 2 years and he one day drops you - you are going to have to live with that.

 

For the record, I don't think anyone really jumped to the conclusion he WAS cheating. People just brought it up as a possibility because they all thought "well that's weird. He doesn't want her to be in the same town? What is he hiding?" As I said in an earlier post he may in all actuality not being hiding anything- but he can't be very serious about the two of you either if he all he wants is a pretend relationship. It's one thing when you HAVE to do LDR - it's quite another when one partner can feasibly relocate after two years and the other partner is saying "no wait, I don't want you to do that." It's not showing any good faith on his behalf that all the things you spend 4-6 hours a day talking about, are REAL and SERIOUS to HIM.

 

Okay once again. We have been together for 2 years. The first 7 months he lived in my country, we dated throughout this time and saw each other weekly. When he returned to his country he flew me over and I stayed for 2 months. I returned again another month later for 3 months and then again for 3 months and another 2 towards the end of the year. We just finished a month long holiday. So out of the 2 years we've been together... we have spent 16 months together just not all at one time.

 

Then that should be all the more reason for you to wonder what is REALLY going on here and where he really stands. You've not only dated for 2 years, you've spent a mariginal amount of that time together. For a man to all of the sudden decide he doesn't want you there after that? Wether you respond to us or not, this is your life and that means it's your consequences to your actions you will have to live with wether they are positive consequences or negative ones. 2+2 needs to make sense. When it adds up to 5 - A person has to wonder.

 

SarahRose - It was my choice to go to him in his country because frankly I'm a adventurer and after the first time, I decided I really really liked it. I always wanted to live outside of my country. He has paid for two of the trips and we split the last two by using all of his frequent flier miles. I have friends there as well that I'd not seen for years.

 

aerogurl87 - Valid reason? Other than his uncertainty could be financial. He's been bouncing around for a bit at the moment. And the thing you highlighted in bold... I responded below.

 

It certainly could be financial yes. Although it doesn't make a whole lot of sense that he would worry about finances if you are going to get your own place and be responsible for your own person, but it is still a possibility yes. You need to find that out. He should of just told you if that were the case, but I know that not everyone is perfect and financial issues can be especially sensitive issues for a man to speak about.

 

No. He is not involved with anyone else. That's not the issue. I'm not paranoid about it one bit. Sure he could. Anyone could. It'd even be easier since there is distance, I'm not naive. But no, not an issue.

 

But it's kind of crazy to me that so many have jumped on the he must be living a double life and cheating on me train makes me think this was the wrong forum to bring my concerns to.

 

People are just offering viable suggestions. You shouldn't be so quick to discount them just because they aren't what you want to hear. I have seen married men pull off relationships in the same circumstance you described. So it DOES happen and it's not so completely out of left field that these women must be crazy for suggesting it. Again, it doesn't make them right persay but they are trying to be helpful in their own way. They can only go off of the description they are given and that is only one persons side of the story. They did take the time to read and respond to you, try to use some courtesy.

 

However I do hear you sarahrose, I DO want someone to be thrilled about me, thrilled that I'd even consider to move to their country and want to start a life with them. So we shall see. Sooner rather than later.

 

Good. As you should. I'm telling you - my friend describes it in the best way possible. She calls it "delighting in." I can't think of a better description and when you have someone who delights in you? It's simply amazing and wonderful and that is what you should want and expect in your relationships.

[wanderingstar]

It certainly could be financial yes. Although it doesn't make a whole lot of sense that he would worry about finances if you are going to get your own place and be responsible for your own person, but it is still a possibility yes. You need to find that out. He should of just told you if that were the case, but I know that not everyone is perfect and financial issues can be especially sensitive issues for a man to speak about.

 

I did not have this conversation with him yet in depth (my thoughts on moving out there on my own and being responsible for myself). That will be the upcoming one, which is one of the questions I'd asked earlier.

 

People are just offering viable suggestions. You shouldn't be so quick to discount them just because they aren't what you want to hear. I have seen married men pull off relationships in the same circumstance you described. So it DOES happen and it's not so completely out of left field that these women must be crazy for suggesting it. Again, it doesn't make them right persay but they are trying to be helpful in their own way. They can only go off of the description they are given and that is only one persons side of the story. They did take the time to read and respond to you, try to use some courtesy.

 

Viable suggestions are fine, when they address what was asked, but if I'm saying it's not the fact, that should be it. So yes it bothers me that it has been brought up a few times and yes I'm going to respond to it. Not once in my description did I mention that I was fearful of him straying, so that is why it struck a nerve because it felt as if after one person said it, a couple others jumped on the bandwagon given their own experiences or experiences they have been witness to. Could it not just simply be timing? That we're not in the same place in the relationship? Or that he's getting cold feet because we are at the next level stage? Or...he's just "not that into me". Or our relationship has run it's course. All that can manifest without the other person being involved with another.

 

And about cheating, I understand the dynamics and am aware that it can and does happen, it does all the time. It's happened to me and I walked out with a swiftness. So believe me, if it were the case in this situation, I'd do the same. Actually it would make things a lot easier. I can deal with cheating, the ex before this taught me a very important lesson and it didn't kill me... just made me stronger.

 

Anyways it's the whole uncertainty thing that's got my goat. That is where he is right now. He has voiced that to me and sarahrose had a point of a partner being thrilled. I bring up the point that I seem to be at a different level than him, where I'm at a more advanced stage in the relationship and certain where he is... uncertain. Surely I can't be the only one who's gone through this?

 

BTW hoping2heal I was being courteous. I apologize if you have taken offense to my posting. As I said, I appreciated the advice and also said thank you. That was sincere. I still do appreciate it. I just don't appreciate all the immediate conclusions that point to infidelity.

[aerogurl87]

Anyways it's the whole uncertainty thing that's got my goat. That is where he is right now. He has voiced that to me and sarahrose had a point of a partner being thrilled. I bring up the point that I seem to be at a different level than him, where I'm at a more advanced stage in the relationship and certain where he is... uncertain. Surely I can't be the only one who's gone through this?

 

Ok so we are getting somewhere now. He's no longer as excited to see you? Ok, so another question, when was the last time you two saw each other? Was it a few weeks ago, months maybe? Sometimes when you don't see someone for some time, one partner's excitement to see the other can die down (yeah weird but it happens for some). Either way you need to sit down and talk to him about it because it's important. Also try to find out where his uncertainties stem from. If it's financial, sit down and discuss how things would work if you moved there so he'll feel more at ease about the financial situation of it all. Try and work that out or whatever he says is bothering him. Although I still think it's odd that he doesn't really want you moving to be in the same country with him...

[SarahRose]

Good luck wandering star I hope things work out for you.

[Els]

You mentioned financial problems, OP? Would he have to finance your move in any way, or you would be able to handle your own?

 

If he doesn't have to finance you, you don't have to live together, and you're not applying for a fiance visa, I honestly can't find a good reason for him not wanting you to come. There'll be plenty of space - you can just be like an ITR couple in the initial stages of dating if you wish! See each other on weekends and maybe sometimes during the week - how would space be an issue in that case?

 

I'm sorry hon - I know you know your own relationship better than we do. But this really doesn't feel right to me.

[wanderingstar]

So ladies after all the drama... looks like I have an end date afterall. I have still decided however to get my own place and give it a good old fashion try for a bit.

 

Elswyth - I think an ITR couple would be best right now given the hesitance. I'm quite okay with that option.

 

aerogurl87 - no no he's always excited to see me or hear from me when he contacts me - he is the initiator in contacting me most of the time.

Yeah I hear you, it is odd behavior given the fact that I'll be doing it on my own. I wonder sometimes, if I moved there "for him" essentially but if things did not work out he would feel guilty. I've told him life is one big adventure and sometimes you've to take chances. I am a little bit more adventerous than him in some aspects. My parents btw are all for it. They say live a little and without regret. Still... it's a bit scary given the situation.

 

My father btw thinks he might be suffering from what a lot of men do when relationships begin to move into the next level... 'stage fright'. Anyways doesn't matter... what matters is what will be happening in the next few months. Thanks again