Hurtbunny Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 right, I am feeling particularly cheesed off about a situation. sorry about the long post. don't read it unless you have a spare 5 minutes and a lot of patience. haha. Basically, my friend and I started a class a couple of years ago. I was loud, confident, full of life and generally happy with my life. I am realllly lucky to have a lot of good friends and she was in a situtation where she was in a new city, with a boyfriend who lived quite a distance away, and hardly knew anybody at all. she made friends with this one girl who she spent all her time with. Then I started hanging out with them more, and It became obvious she enjoyed my company more. Now this other girl, lets call her X, didn't really mean a lot to me but was everything to my friend. My friend just totally cut her off in favour of me, and I became the new 'best friend / flavour of the month'. alarm bell number 1. She even confessed to me she was only friends with X because no one else was around, and now she had made a 'proper' friend. She sort of made me the centre of her world. Now even though I always had a lot of friends and company I did really enjoy spending time with my friend, however I have a lot of very old, close friends including my friend who I have known since I was 16, and another friend I have known since I was 18. She made it clear that she only really had me that year, and I sort of felt it was my respinsibility to be there for her in a lot of ways. (But I did enjoy her company a lot so it wasn't a chore by any means, and she was good to me) We did get really close at one point and then I felll in love with a guy who completely broke my heart and dumped me. After this point she was absolotely fantastic - listened to me for HOURS on end, was a real support and rock for me at a time when I was falling to bits. I don't think she realises how much I was thankful for this, I kept thanking her at the time. after the guy left me I tried everything I could to move on but I was sort of dead inside. I wasn't the same girl I once was. It really affected my self esteem. I tried to keep up with meeting all of my friends but in truth I barely spoke to anyone. At this time she still sort of depended on me to be there for her and would ring me 3 times a week or more - I would never answer cos I would curled up in bed, wanting to die. She never knew this and I was too ashamed to tell her, I think she thought I was ingnoring her on purpose or didn't care - although she knew how heartbroken I was so why didn't she realise that? When I looked at my phone and saw her ringing I would just stare at it and think ' i can't answer and start crying again, I don't want her to see how weak I am, and I don't want her to think I am still not over it' so I just didn't pick up the phone. At this time she was in an unhappy rship with her long distance boyfriend and extremely unhappy herself. In retrospect I should have been there for her more, however you become so wrapped up in your own misery I guess you fail to see other peoples pain. As I slowly started to come out of this depression and move onwards I realised she had completely turned her life around. she had gotten a new boyfriend who she is totally in love with, and is really happy with. I am so pleased for her because she totally deserves that happiness. it also dawned on me that she had replaced me with this other girl, lets call her 'Y'. my friend and Y now have a very close relationship where they are happy to call each other best friends and hang out ALL the time, etc etc. this girl is less outgoing than my friend, less intelligent and less prettier (not just my opinion everyone knows this), and although I would argue my friend and I were evenly matched in all of those departments, I think she always thought of me as competition deep down. ALthough I enjoyed my friends company and she meant a lot to me, I think it always infuriated her that she wasn't the centre of my world and that I had a large network of close friends. Now my friend has nothing to do with me, I am effectively the new 'x', in the sense that she has no time for whatsoever, doesn't reply to any of my texts (sent her 3 in the last few weeks that she hasn't replied to). I feel bad becasue she will invite me to things with her and Y but I'm always busy with other friends or its something that totally isn't my thing at all. I reciprocate by inviting her to do stuff with me and my friends and she just doesn't respond or reply. I'm not going to make the effort anymore, although I wonder how my friend can be friends with Y and have no other friends, and be happy with that. I am glad she has Y and has a close friendship, I just don't understand why she can't also be friends with me too. I wonder if she realises that she does mean a lot to me and that just because I never wanted to be her 'best' friend doesn't mean I can't be a good, lifelong friend. Its all very juvenile. (We are in our mid twenties by the way!!) I feel like she is trying to get me back for all the time she thinks I ignored her when in actualy fact I was suicidally depressed. She does and did mean a lot to me and if it was up to me I would always have her in my life, alongside all of my other friends of course. But I think with her she just always resented not being my 'best' friend who I spent every moment with. Should I totally stop getting in touch with her? I was thinking last night, if she is happier with her boyfriend atm, and being freinds with Y, than she was before, then I'd rather lose her friendship and know that she is in a happier place. I don't want for any friends myself and have close bonds with 4-5 people at the moment (I know I am incredibly lucky for that, thank god)
bubbles5 Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 I WANT TO REPEATEDLY TELL TO ALL WRITERS WHO SEEK ADVICE PLS PLS PLS SUMMERIZE THINGS CUT IT SHORT. anyways I HAVENt read ur entire xyz biography cos its too long , but pls dont give up ur life or think abt sucide u r young. Meet new ppl around start meeting different ppl u r constantly trapped with one person and since i guess she has bf now u r sidetrack.Leave evrything bak its ur past now. Move forward see if u get along with other ppl ..YOU HAVE TO BEAR PAIN JUST BY THINKING OF SUICIDE U R NOT GOING TO GET AWAY WITH IT DONT GIVE UP UR LIFE FOR SOMEONE WHO DOESNT DESERVE IT..LIFE IS PRECIOUS N U R YOUNG.THERE IS MORE TO LIFE MORE PPL WHO DO CARE JUST LOOK AROUND....
green_tea Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 Bubbles, I don't see anything wrong in a long post - if you don't like it, don't read it? this girl is less outgoing than my friend, less intelligent and less prettier (not just my opinion everyone knows this), and although I would argue my friend and I were evenly matched in all of those departments, I think she always thought of me as competition deep down. ALthough I enjoyed my friends company and she meant a lot to me, I think it always infuriated her that she wasn't the centre of my world and that I had a large network of close friends. Hurtbunny, this bit of your post stood out to me. It's not something a friend should say about another friend really is it? That they think of you as competition? And does it really matter if her new friend isn't outgoing & pretty? That sort of tells me that YOU are the one competing with others. From what you've said, your friend was there for you in your time of need, but she never got the same back from you, so she found that somewhere else. Sorry if it's not what you wanted to hear, but that's my opinion anyway.
WTRanger Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 I WANT TO REPEATEDLY TELL TO ALL WRITERS WHO SEEK ADVICE PLS PLS PLS SUMMERIZE THINGS CUT IT SHORT. anyways I HAVENt read ur entire xyz biography cos its too long , but pls dont give up ur life or think abt sucide u r young. Meet new ppl around start meeting different ppl u r constantly trapped with one person and since i guess she has bf now u r sidetrack.Leave evrything bak its ur past now. Move forward see if u get along with other ppl ..YOU HAVE TO BEAR PAIN JUST BY THINKING OF SUICIDE U R NOT GOING TO GET AWAY WITH IT DONT GIVE UP UR LIFE FOR SOMEONE WHO DOESNT DESERVE IT..LIFE IS PRECIOUS N U R YOUNG.THERE IS MORE TO LIFE MORE PPL WHO DO CARE JUST LOOK AROUND.... Unless you are under 10 years of age, the childish text lingo is completely uncalled for. However, you don't have the time to read a small amount of someone's back story, so I guess you don't have time to type out such HUGE words as "your" and "people" so I guess we should cut you some slack. To the OP, just from what you wrote seethes of "I'm better than her" attitude. Almost as if she was lucky that you chose her as a friend. Perhaps she grew tired of this and moved on? When someone is there for their friend, and when that person goes through something similar and that friend pulls the disappearing act, it can be extremely hurtful. Granted, she wasn't there for you to have an Ace up her sleeve for when she's in need, but the Golden Rule states that you should try to reciprocate what they've done for you. To gain an understanding what she's going through, put yourself in her shoes. What if you were there for her during a breakup, then when you needed her she was gone in a cloud of dust. How would you feel?
Author Hurtbunny Posted March 21, 2010 Author Posted March 21, 2010 what?! I never said I wanted to commit suicide! lol! But thankyou anyway, I'm sure your advice will help someone (albeit with a completely different problem) thanks to whoever said I can post a long post if I want. I warned you at the start it would take 5 minutes, and I needed a good long vent, if you don't want to read, don't read. This is MY thread, if you want your own then start it ...!! I completely agree with whoever said I should have been there for her more. After I got over the suicidal feelings I was having I did some really sweet things for her, and have been offering my help to her in any way ever since. I'd like to stress, it was never a *conscious* decision to ignore her - its just - when ya don't wana live, friendship kinda falls to the wayside!! She DID see me as competition, and I never felt this way about her.. the bit about her friend... was to stress the point that I feel so upset... because maybe If she was less threatened by me she could have stayed friends with me... (she is jealous of all 3 of her sisters for the same reason+ admitted this to me)!! I have tried to reciprocate LOADS of times, but she just isn't having it now, and I would totally be there for her - its just at the time I was suicidally depressed! so i couldn't be there for anyone! Its very much 'I have my best friend now and I don't need you at all' FYI we're in our early twenties, not that you would know, and I appreciate how juvenile this all sounds
green_tea Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 Don't worry about it sounding juvenile, people have friendship issues no matter what age, even these types. Are you sure she saw you as competition? Just because she competed with her sisters, it doesn't mean she was like that with you. And if you really think she is wanting to compete, why would you want to be friends with her? Is that a trait you want in a friend? I know I wouldn't. And really, if she knew that you think she competes with you and is jealous of you, she would probably think she made the right decision in letting go of your friendship. Sorry I don't mean to be harsh.
blueyedgrl85 Posted March 22, 2010 Posted March 22, 2010 Your friend sounds like a user and very dependent person. If she were a true blue friend she never would have left you. Also when you were feeling down and upset, she would call you 3 times a week or more because SHE needed you- a real friend would call to talk to YOU and ask about YOU. You and her were friends- you have finally seen her TRUE colors and know that she is like this. Yes she may have a new friend and boyfriend, but they too will be discarded when either one of them has an issue. She will not stick around long if the attention isn't focused on her. (Sounds like she has NPD- though only a professional can diagnose that.) She does not know how to be a friend to others, only to herself. Spend more time with friends who will be there for you just as much as you are there for them. You deserve better people in your life.
Author Hurtbunny Posted March 27, 2010 Author Posted March 27, 2010 I sort of agree with bits of what everybody has put. I didn't pull the 'disappearing act' when she has the same problems - she was in an unhappy relationship with her boyfriend and in retrospect I could have been there for her more. But on several occasions, we went for coffee and she would talk about her problems for hours on end. Just not quite to the extent she helped out with me. In all truth, I can't actually remember much of the months after I was dumped - wasn't really living - in stages of grief. She seems incapable of having a number of friends in her life - they have to be in a rank order... and obviously I was placed 'number 1' and am now the lowest priority. I guess it makes no sense to me because I have a number of friends (4 or 5) that I love and cherish equally .... no one is the 'favourite' .. in fact I think it is rather childish to devalue people into first , second or whatever!!
Tayla Posted March 28, 2010 Posted March 28, 2010 Glad you consider this YOUR Thread. That pretty much sums up why your supposed friend moved on. Sorry my response is not that long. Sometimes more can be said with less words
blueyedgrl85 Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 But on several occasions, we went for coffee and she would talk about her problems for hours on end. Just not quite to the extent she helped out with me. In all truth, I can't actually remember much of the months after I was dumped - wasn't really living - in stages of grief. At the time, did you talk to her about this? Did you say, "hey, i know we both have stuff going on, but I would really like your advice on my situation about...." Sometimes people get so wrapped up in their own life that they can't see that other people struggle as well. If you didn't speak up, then maybe she thought that you were fine or were able to handle things on your own. I'm quiet, so it's hard for me to mention that I'm feeling down, but I learned that unless I talk and say, "I have a problem and I need some help" that my friends don't know what is going on with me. She seems incapable of having a number of friends in her life - they have to be in a rank order... and obviously I was placed 'number 1' and am now the lowest priority. I guess it makes no sense to me because I have a number of friends (4 or 5) that I love and cherish equally .... no one is the 'favourite' .. in fact I think it is rather childish to devalue people into first , second or whatever!! Your friend bases her self worth by how many people she's hanging out with, and it's really shallow. You put effort into the friendship and cherished it more than she did. She probably always needs attention on her and then leaves friends/moves on to go find it. (You were having a tough time so you couldn't be emotionally available to her, so she left and found other people to focus on her.) It's not right by any means- you deserve friendships that are 2-ways streets. You know how to be a good friend, she does not.
D-Lish Posted March 29, 2010 Posted March 29, 2010 Honestly, if you spent a lot of time ignoring her calls, it's not surprising that she got hurt and moved on. Afterall, by your own admission, she was there for you when you needed her- but you couldn't reciprocate when she needed you during her break up (because you were wrapped up in your own stuff). I think you have to be completely open and apologetic to make things right. Tell her what you've told us about not being able to get out of bed, and apologize for not being there for her. Tell her you value your friendship, and want to re-kindle it. If she invites you somewhere, make the effort to go.
Author Hurtbunny Posted April 6, 2010 Author Posted April 6, 2010 Hey guys - thanks to each and every single one of you who posted helpful replies - I really really really appreciate them, you are all so fantastic on this forum =) =) THANKYOU *BIG HUGS* Again I agree with bits of what everyone has said. I WAS there for her during her break-up (to provide advice, girlie movies etc etc) just not so much in the months preceding to her break-up.. I think when she told me they were over it gave me the jolt I needed to leave my own misery and be there for HER..... which I then was. I completely agree though, she must have got totally fed up of ringing me and getting no response, I think I was just so ashamed at the time because all of my friends know me to be the strong one - so I thought 'I'll get back to her when I feel better' - and then I never actually did!! =( Tayla - I presume you didn't read the whole thread fully - if you read carefully somebody was incredibly rude to me for writing a long post, which I duly warned the forum was going to be long - and I'm sure you'll agree the whole point of this forum is to share our problems without limitation or prejudice - 'having issues with a friend? Get it off your chest!' =) When a thread that YOU start about a problem bothering you gets hijacked by rude personages, then I will of course accept your profuse apologies =)
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