Keep the door open and try to do my own thing? still care for him alot

[rose45]

Figured i would start a new thread with the latest info rather than keep posting with the thread from awhile ago

 

Was with my ex for 3 and a half years..it was petty stuff i think that broke us apart..fighting over things i regret..noone cheated..we did have alot of love..he broke it off...a year later i leave him a vmail and he calls me back right away and i tell him all these regrets after a few minutes..basically he said he couldnt just jump back into this which waas understandable and that we will exchange calls and meet..we talked for a few months pretty much every few days...hour convos, 2 hour convos..soemtimes longer..i think we needed that to get comfortable...he admitted he doesn't want to be serious with anyone right now..too much going on and wants to get his financial situation more stable and how he is barely breaking even with money etc..2 months went by after the holidays that we didn't speak and i finally questionined what was going on and here is the latest info:

 

He basically said he didn't want to lead me on and that is why he started to avoid things.(which he always does when it comes to this stuff regarding emotions and talks involving it, he hates it) He says right now he needs to get all this other stuff straightened out first and put things on hold and he can't give me what i want right now. He was nice on the phone and we spoke for over an hour. I did say i have regrets and asked was i a bad girlfriend to you? and he said you were a very good girlfriend to me..the things that you did were not that bad, its not like you were malicious towards me.

 

I told him again i have alot of regrets with certain things i did.

 

I did ask do you just want me to leave you alone and move on and maybe you are just sparing my feelings? and he said i don't want you to leave me alone but he figured if he avoided things for awhile maybe i would let go. He said he likes knowing i'm there and that i want to be there but it also isn't fair to me in that position and to just be sitting around. He said he doesn't want to be anyone's boyfriend right now. I told him i'm not sitting around but i would rather be with you than someone else. So i asked so you want me to go move on and be with someone else then? And he says he doesn't really like it when I say it like that and that he just wants me to be happy and I said but i would be happy with you..and he said he doesnt know about that right now and he said you don't think that i don't think about you still and look at your pictures on my computer?

 

I said do you think you could still have feelings for me and eventually want to see me again and he says i think so. But for right now he can only just offer friendship. He doesnt really know about the future.\ or what he wants. He says he is just breaking even with money. He doesn't go anywhere really or buy anything and is looking for side work. But i don't get how money will be better in a few months or a year. Towards the end of the convo he could tell i was getting a tiny bit upset..not in this extreme way but he could hear me sniffling. And he said he really doesn't like that and asked if i will be ok and i said i will have to be. I did say I have missed you for a long time but I guess i would eventually have to move on if things don't change.

 

I tried getting as much direct info as i could and think of all the questions i wanted to ask..... i said it makes me nervous because sometimes i think maybe you know for sure you don't ever want to see me again and you just don't want to the bad guy. And he said that isn't really right because if it was just about me and not wanting me he would have been seeing someone already or looking and its not about that. He said that he isn't going anywhere..i think he could hear i was a little upset and said again i'm definitely not going anywhere and we can talk soon..we can talk tomorrow, next week..whenever i want to talk.

 

I do feel better we spoke but i still hope that if he knew for sure he didn't have any romactic feelings and doesnt think it will ever be possible that he would just say that

 

I was thinking i should continue to try and talk to him on the phone and continue dating like i have been doing to see what else is out there and hope for the best with him and i as well? i still care for him alot and miss him very much

Edited March 20, 2010 by rose45

[mrkleen]

This is a tough one, because it is clear you both still care for each other...and you did take your time apart to heal and move on.

 

If a year later you are still thinking of each other, maybe there is something there....or maybe you are both still not with the right people, so it is loneliness that is doing the talking.

 

I would remain very cautious - and try not to talk to him too often - but a call a week or so doesnt seem to be a bad idea.

 

BUT, give yourself a reasonable time frame (say 6 months) and if at that point it STILL is in this holding pattern - then you really need to cut bait and move on.

 

He seems like a genuine person that is confused and it is normal to want to get all your ducks in a row before you try something for a second time. Thing is that in life, you NEVER really have all your ducks in a row. So at some point you both have to decide if there is something there worth pursuing again or not.

 

I wish you luck...as this is one of those times when cutting bait might not be the best solution...but hanging around could also prove to be disastrous. Be careful with your heart.

[rose45]

thank you so much for your response..it definitely is a risk to getting hurt because nothing is guaranteed just because i am giving it time for him to come around. I still miss him and think about him every day even when we weren't talking. So it seems trying to stay in some sort of contact is better maybe for him and me. My good friend who knows alot about this and we have spent weekends together with her and her boyfriend says she wants to believe him b/c he sounds genuine and honest but why the long wait? money isn't going to be fixed so soon..how alone can someone want to be? so she raises good questions as well.

 

I get really nervous he will just change his mind completely and not even want to talk even though he said he isn't going anywhere.

 

Since he said we can talk even tomorrow if I wanted..I decided to give him a call two nights later. He called me back about an hour later and we spoke for 40 minutes or so completely dropping the serious discussion we had which was good i thought.

[rose45]

also by the way..he said on the phone that night during the long talk we had how i don't think you want to just be called up randomly to go to dinner or a movie. I didn't say anything to that, i think i asked a question--i actually forget. But now i feel like i should have agreed to that....how we should casually see each other(not sleep with each other) and date before officially getting back. We should just test the waters and see how things go and it doesn't have to be an every week thing.

 

Should I bring this up somehow or let it go for now? I feel like it may make him mad that I am bringing this up again. I'm not sure what to do.

 

I was thinking of saying maybe in one convo how if we ever did see each other again, maybe it should be casually dating or whatever for awhile to see how things go rather than just saying we are back together right away without even spending some time together prior to that.

[mrkleen]

also by the way..he said on the phone that night during the long talk we had how i don't think you want to just be called up randomly to go to dinner or a movie. I didn't say anything to that, i think i asked a question--i actually forget. But now i feel like i should have agreed to that....how we should casually see each other(not sleep with each other) and date before officially getting back. We should just test the waters and see how things go and it doesn't have to be an every week thing.

 

Should I bring this up somehow or let it go for now? I feel like it may make him mad that I am bringing this up again. I'm not sure what to do.

 

I was thinking of saying maybe in one convo how if we ever did see each other again, maybe it should be casually dating or whatever for awhile to see how things go rather than just saying we are back together right away without even spending some time together prior to that.

 

I think that since he left you....you should be the one doing the leading this time and should not worry about your feelings hurting his feelings.

 

If he is willing to meet you on YOUR TERMS...you have a chance. But if this is right back to the old ways of you working hard to make it happen and him playing hot and cold all the time...then you are better off remaining on your own.

[rose45]

mrkleen,

 

what do you mean? Do you think i shoul bring this up to him and say that i think if we did see each other, I don't think it would be a bad idea for it to be casually and randomly for us to just to spend some time together and see how things go..should i bring it up in the next convo?

 

I don't want to make him upset though that i am bringing up this issue again but maybe i should put it out there?

[mrkleen]

mrkleen,

 

what do you mean? Do you think i shoul bring this up to him and say that i think if we did see each other, I don't think it would be a bad idea for it to be casually and randomly for us to just to spend some time together and see how things go..should i bring it up in the next convo?

 

I don't want to make him upset though that i am bringing up this issue again but maybe i should put it out there?

 

You are too worried about upsetting him Rose....you are clearly a sweet person, but it is time for you to be strong and take control.

 

You could say, that it would be nice to see him....but he needs to know that it would be just as friends. Make him WORK to get back into your life, and if he isnt up to the challenge - then I would keep moving forward and just forget him.

[rose45]

we spoke wednesday and i really wanted to call tonight to get that comment off my chest but a friend said maybe wait til tomorro or tuesday seeing as though you spoke in the beginning of the week and then wednesday as well and that techincally sunday is still part of the week..might be a little too much

 

i really just wish i would have said something to him when he mentioned it in the first place or how i never expected him to be my boyfriend right off the bat; that we need to spend time together again and thats all i wanted.

 

I hate when i want to say something and the feeling of waiting to say it because it might be calling him too soon or something.

[rose45]

UPDATE from over a week ago:

 

Mrkleen and anyone else

 

I did bring it up and i asked if he wants to see me randomly and he said hmm and i said you can say no right off the bat and he said its not a matter of no he just knows i'm not really looking for that (i guess b/c i want to get back but i do know that would take time and actual dating all over again) so i said i never expected to see you once and thats it and that although its a nice idea it isn't very realistic to have that happen. So he said ok. I asked are you agaisnt this? and he said he isn't against this in a nice voice and he said soon let me just get my head together. So i said ok and dropped the subject. He called a few nights later on a friday to talk for a bit so it was a nice suprise.

 

Since then--i only got my permit a week ago due to money stuff in the past. He called a few days ago at night (b/c i told him i was going to take it this week) to wish me luck not knowing i already took it. It was on a friday when i took the test and i said i wanted to call and tell you i passed but didn't know if you were busy or what not and he said i could have called which was nice.

 

I did joke about him teaching me to drive and how he should be doing it and he said my father would probably want to do all that stuff; he would probably be insulted if he didnt.

 

The next time we spoke, i texted him about a price for a driving lesson..he called an hour later or so and said i saw your text (it was $40 for 45 min) and he joked saying i will give a whole hour for $35. And i kinda joked back like what? it should be nothing, what happened to generosity. I'm nice to you etc and i said i would give him $10. It went back and forth for a minute or two and we started talking about something else.. He did ask after how come my good friend so and so can't teach me and i said she is really busy with her schedule and he mentioned my friend's b/f and i said its ok i'm gonna take the lessons and maybe ask someone from the team to help..hopefully he doesnt think i was tryng to make him jealous b/c its a coed team. He said ok.

 

I think he sort of slipped as well with his words as. He used to call me honey and i joked do you think i will be a good driver? and he jokingly said(it was a joke so no offense to anyone reading) no, women aren't good drivers honey. I kept talking as if i didn't hear b/c i didn't want to make him pull back after that but i'm pretty sure he said honey by accident which hasn't happened at all since we were together. I think he was just distracted doing some other stuff so it slipped out; of course probably doesn't mean much but it made me miss him more.

Edited April 9, 2010 by rose45

[rose45]

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