whats going on in the mind of my ex and where do i go from here??

[Zazu1903]

Hi,

 

I want to know your thoughts on my situation and would really like you to help me develop a plan in order to deal with the situation.

 

My boyfriend and i have been together for just under a year. At the time i met him he had another girlfriend. We dont live in the same area, we actually live miles apart and kept the communication between us going.

We decided to meet up again and see if there was anything there, something that maybe looking back wasnt a good idea to start with considering there was someone else in the picture.

 

He got in touch after we met and said that he knew instantly that he had feelings for me, really thought this was something that could go somewhere and split up with his girlfriend.

 

We made the committment to travel back and forth for four months as in November he was going away travelling for three months, something that was planned before we met. He was originally meant to be going traveling wth some friends and his ex but changed this to just going with his friend after we met.

 

Things between us were amazing, he pursued me, told me he had never felt like this before and that he couldnt wait until he was home so that we could start our relationship properly.

 

Whilst he was away i heard from him nearly every day, whether this be via email, text or a phone call. Our relationship seemed to take a new turn whilst he was away as he told me he loved me and that when he was home he wanted to settle down with me. He asked me to move to be with him and always told me he was counting down the days until he was home to be with me.

 

Everything was perfect up until three quarters of the way through his trip. His phone didnt work and the means of communication got harder and less frequent. His ex came to join him along with other friends for the last three weeks (which i knew about and was planned in advance).

 

I went down to see him the day he got home, something he had asked me to do. It was great seeing him but although he was happy to see me, he was tired and completely worn out from all the traveling he had done in the last few days. I knew this was going to be the case, and i knew he would need time to adjust being back to normality as i have been traveling myself and knew that i needed to give him some space.

 

After a couple of days being there we had a chat whereby i asked him if he would like me to go home as he wasnt being himself and i felt maybe i was getting in the way. I didnt want to be there for the sake of being there, he said that he was struggling to be back, he wanted some 'ME' time as he didnt know where his head was at but that he wanted to see me and didnt want to risk me leaving on a train to maybe never see me again. We discussed things, and he said that he was sorry for the lack of effort that he was putting in towards me and would try over the next few days to shake the feelings he was having away.

 

I decided to leave earlier than planned as i felt maybe i needed to give him a bit of breathing space. Over the next few days that followed after me leaving, i still heard from him but it wasnt the same excited, cant wait to speak to you voice on the other end of the phone as it had been before he left.

 

That week i ended up telling him how i was feeling as it was driving me crazy, it was all i was thinking about and i couldnt help feeling that maybe i was making it all up in my head. We discussed things and he said that he didnt know what was wrong and why he wasnt acting the way he did before and that maybe he just needed some space to sort his head out. I left him to it, but told him i wouldnt wait forever.

 

During the next few days that followed i gave him his space - i didnt make contact and let him have the breathing time he wanted. The funny thing was, he was still texting me?! Every night i would get a text saying "goodnight darling xxxxxx" and it confused me, how can someone want space but still keep in touch? How can he miss me that way? I replied saying goodnight, but nothing more. I didnt start conversations, i left him to it.

 

By the end of the week i decided to write an email basically to put down my thoughts in black and white and for us to decide where we went from here, i know there is no rulebook as to how long am i supposed to wait but i didnt want to appear a sitting duck and to be made a fool of either.

 

I felt happy that i got all my feelings out and he replied in the early hours of the following morning. He had been working and had had a long drive to see his family for his brothers birthday so i wasnt expecting an email back at all that night, let alone the early hours of the morning.

 

The email was very contradictory on his part. He apologised for leaving me up in the air the past few days but if it was as obvious to him as to what was going on then we wouldnt have been in that situation. He told me that he thought i was amazing, that i was gorgeous, had an amazing personality and that he loved spending time with me but that he didnt know why he wasnt feeling certain things a he was before he left. He told me that there were certain things scaring him; he felt there was pressure to commit so soon, as i need to make decisions in my life on where im going to live and what career im going to take as im leaving university in a matter of weeks. He felt this is a mistake he made before in his last relationship and he wouldnt want the same outcome with us as he had with that. He also said he struggled with the idea of having to travel back and forth every second weekend, he knew from the beginning that i didnt live beside him but that before he left we had a time restraint to see each other as that was pushing up to make the effort but now it was all more laid back as we had all the time in the world.

 

He told me that nothing had happened with his ex or with anyone whilst he had been away, as i had asked him that in his email. I felt that would have been an easy explanation to his feelings changing and felt i needed to ask, but he said that it wasnt the case at all.

 

He told me that he knows more than ever that splitting up with his ex was the right decision and that he would never want to be in a relationship with her, he even said in his email that if he wanted a relationship with anyone that it would be me. Everything he wants in someone he has in me, but that he didnt think it was fair to have a relationship with me at the moment as he wasnt being fair to me. He wasnt giving it 110% and he didnt want to say lets see how things go as he doesnt know if his feelings would change to make the effort. He kept repeating himself saying he knows he is making a huge mistake, he is shotting himself in the foot but that he felt that at the moment he shouldnt be in any relationship, especially with someone he cares about as much as he does with me, as its not fair when he doesnt even know whats going round in his head.

 

After recieveing the email i was very confused and asked to call. We spoke on the phone for a few minutes but decided it was better to sleep on it before saying something that one of us might regret in the morning.

 

The next day i told him that issues such as when, where and how the relationship was going to work wasnt ones to through the towel in for, issues such as distance and pressure to commit and things that can be spoken about and worked through but he said that at the moment he didnt know what he was thinking and it was best to just leave things. He said he would love to keep in touch and he was sorry for hurting me.

 

I came off the phone very confused but ensured i kept my dignity in tact. He text saying that his opinion was very high of me and that it was never going to change. He has since then kept texting. Whether it be a good night text or asking how i am.

 

I have since then got four interviews in the area he stays for a jobs. I have decided to go down and see what its like for me, rather than going down because thats where he lives. Its a great opportunity and im not going to pass it up. He has since got in touch and is asking to meet up with me next week when im down. He wants to see me and spend some time together. I told him that not to come and see me because he feels obliged but because he wants to in which he responded saying that he was the one that offered and wants to come through not for any other reason.

 

He is getting in touch first and keeps asking if i have things all booked up, he even called today to see how i was getting on and if i had everything organised for next week and to check if i was still free on the day we had arranged to meet up. I kept the conversation brief, less than 10 mins and just played it cool, no seriousness just light. I am even more confused than i was before although i havent told him that.

 

I dont understand why someone would keep in touch with you if they had no feelings especially since i live so far away and he would never have to see me again. He doesnt owe me anything and i cant see why he would want to stay in touch just to be polite.

 

I am not sure if me moving, or the thought of me moving, is making him question what he has done, as in the end ill be where he is and there will be no pressure, just a chance for things to develop naturally. I also wonder that if he is thinking about me moving in the sense that im doing it regardless of him, and if this is making him think twice about the decision he has made.

 

Might i add that he has only been home from traveling less than a month and this has all happened in the space of 2 weeks.

 

Can i have your thoughts and what you think of the situation and how i should play it from here, sorry i know this thread is long but my mind is so confused right now that i needed to get it all out.

 

Thanks

[Zazu1903]

Sorry guys, i know this is a long message but i would really appreciate some people's opinions on the situation. I am new to this and really want some outsider's point of view rather than my friends who i think are telling me what i want to hear, so believe me everyone's comments are welcome.

 

The latest is i recieved a text tonight from my ex telling me how much he was looking forward to seeing my next week - i replied saying "yes it would be good to catch up, really looking forward to the interviews i have lined up" again trying to play it cool and not get too involved.

 

I dont want to play games for them to back fire on me but i honestly believe that i can only judge the situation once i have next week out of the way, and only then when i see him will i know.

 

I dont think its all just 'friendly' as we werent really friends to start with so there would be no long lost love lost, BUT i do wonder what is going on in his head....

 

Thoughts people....

[Silver_star]

Sounds to me like he was on his trip and reconciled with his ex over phone somehow...he was having a relationship with the both of you at that point. When he got back he needed space for this reason because he now has TWO girlfriends to deal with. He wants to string you along, or her along..he just cant decide which one he wants more...so i say hes a loser and dump him.

 

Ive made alot of assumptions, but im also reading between the lines. THis is objectively what it sounds like to me. Ive seen this behavior before, and this is how gusy act and what they say when they are indecisive or playing two or more women. "im not sure what i want".

Its not you..its him. Get rid of him.

[spriggig]

Sounds to me like he was on his trip and reconciled with his ex over phone somehow...he was having a relationship with the both of you at that point. When he got back he needed space for this reason because he now has TWO girlfriends to deal with. He wants to string you along, or her along..he just cant decide which one he wants more...so i say hes a loser and dump him.

 

Ive made alot of assumptions, but im also reading between the lines. THis is objectively what it sounds like to me. Ive seen this behavior before, and this is how gusy act and what they say when they are indecisive or playing two or more women. "im not sure what i want".

Its not you..its him. Get rid of him.

 

I'll second this, it seems likely even though he denies it. But, you know him and we don't so maybe trust your gut but do a little snooping if that's your thing.

 

I'll also add an anecdote. I went away on vacation once many years ago and HAD A BLAST, best time I've ever had on vacation to this day. When I returned, everything about my life seemed dull and bland. I ended up quitting my job two weeks later and struggling with this feeling that I lived a dead and pointless life for several weeks. Maybe something there?

[NeptunedN]

Hugs Zazu. I know it hurts and you're feeling confused and maybe even misled. Same thing happened to me. I offered time and space as I thought "I" was doing something wrong. He assured me that I was beautiful, smart, great personality,that it wasn't me, that he was over his ex, etc.

 

As it turns out his ex WAS back in the picture and trying to reconcile. He wasn't being himself because his head and heart were being pulled in two different directions and he couldn't make himself 100% available to me (his words). Of course he didn't want to disclose this to me but it eventually came out. This is the shorter version of how it actually dramatically played out but in the end, we parted ways...painfully as I could no longer trust him and he needed time to work out his issues.

 

The point is, it isn't you as much as it may feel right now. Realize that our parters sometimes have issues and baggage that make them unavailable to be in a healty relationship even thought we may be at a point where we are capable. They do need time to themselves to figure out how to heal before they can enter into a mutually beneficial and healthy relationship but waiting around isn't healthy for us.

 

Don't move to his town on account of him. You dont know if he ever will work out his issues or what's really going on (I doubt he's going to tell you EVERYthing going on right now). Look out for yourself first. What job is going to be best for you not based on location around this guy. In the meantime I recommend NC. I went through a rough first week but am now on week 3 and feeling very confident in my decision, focusing on me now.

[txsilkysmoothe]

So if it wasn't for you coming to his city, would he make the effort to come see you? I don't think you should see him. You also need to be certain that your reasons for considering jobs in his city are about the jobs and not about him.

 

He may have wanted out of his other relationship and found the strength to do that with you, but now really wants to be single.

 

I don't think it appropriate for him to have spent part of his trip with the ex. He should not have had any interest in being near her. It doesn't add up to me.

[Zazu1903]

Thank you for all your words of support and believe me, they have all registered.

 

The situation at the moment is this;

 

I went down for the interviews i had (got offered all four jobs on the spot) which was very exciting... concentrating on myself obviously paid off...

 

When i was down he asked to see me - we met up and it was like nothing had happened. Very flirty, like a first date. Constant chatting, very effortless. A few times i asked why he was just sitting there smiling and he just said he was thinking... anyways, i cut the night short (even though i could have stayed there all night) and left...

 

He text once i left saying that it was really nice catching up. I just replied saying "maybe we will do it again sometime"

 

I decided to go and meet him but to not talk about anything to see how the situation would go... so when it felt as easy and effortless as it did i was even more confused. What i did find out though was that i am unable to be friends with this man at this time when i dont have a clue what went wrong, and when i dont understand things.

 

The next day he was texting constantly and i asked him what was going on... he sat and told me that his head is so confused because he wants me, just doesnt know where he is at.. His feelings for me are just as they have always been but he doesnt want a relationship right now as he doesnt know where his head is at????

Honestly, its like "i really really like chocolate but when someone offers me a bit i turn them down" its not logical!

 

Anyways he said he was going to call me the next day, and i just left it at that. He was moving house the next day and has been working all weekend so iv left him to it, as i feel he should be getting in touch with me.

 

My friends and family are telling me that maybe i shouldnt cut my nose off to spite my face just yet because it doesnt seem to be as black and white as "am i with this person or not" i just dont understand how someone can say all these things but not be sure of what he wants...

 

I also think that if he wasnt interested and wanted nothing to do with me why not be cruel to be kind and say "im not interested, get lost" ?? He is a guy after all, i thought you lot just act like it is and if your not interested then you dont show any??

 

What should i do from here?? is it a dead end that i just need to forget and simply put it down as a situation that ill never understand?

 

Also, his mum has been keeping in contact and is traveling from one end of the country to another to come and see me next weekend.. when we were out that night, he mentioned it, obviously his mum has told him and he seemed thrilled that i was meeting his mum! He even asked if i would go furniture shopping with him as he couldnt think of anyone else he would rather spend time with doing pointless rubbish! It doesnt add up!!!

 

HELP!

[spriggig]

...His feelings for me are just as they have always been but he doesnt want a relationship right now as he doesnt know where his head is at????

Honestly, its like "i really really like chocolate but when someone offers me a bit i turn them down" its not logical!

 

Any chance he's trying to convert you to a "friend with benefits"?