CLC2008 Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 And that is exactly THE point! @marsle85 - WHAT IS YOUR CONCERN? LOL...which is?
Author marsle85 Posted March 21, 2010 Author Posted March 21, 2010 I think she's affraid of giving him mixed signals. Yessss, Bob. YES. I expressed this in my last post. Page 5. Haha, I can't keep up with you all.
Author marsle85 Posted March 21, 2010 Author Posted March 21, 2010 Read the posts on here about guys who can't deal with their gf having had a sex life before them and the ones who think poorly of girls having 20 sex partners or more which is exactly what would happen if you slept with every guy you dated on the 3rd date. So true girl. If a man or woman wants to have sex, I say go for it. I'm not Virgin Mary here- I just like him. And I don't like men often. I find that i'm picky and frankly - not in ANY rush. I'm enjoying this, at this speed. If it's not broken, don't fix it.
BobSacamento Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 Yessss, Bob. YES. This is how I see it right now: By you accepting the invitation, you sent him a signal. Personally, if I was the guy I would read that as - you will not reject any of my advances. So if you go there with the mindset of rejecting any of those adavances, you will be sending mixed signals. Tell him you would rather go out and have fun and save dinner for another night.
threebyfate Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 You gave him the clear signal, that he was moving too fast, which he claimed he was fine with. If you go over to his place, it can be construed as a mixed message, if you don't sleep with him. To 100% avoid any possibility of mixed messages, don't go to his place or have him over to your place, until you get a comfort level with who he is and what he's looking for. If you being clear about things, turns off his interest, then he's not the guy for you. As far as previously agreeing to him cooking for you, there wasn't any time confirmed, it was just a generic conversation. That's why it's okay to say that while you'd love for him to do this, it's too soon.
Lakeside_runner Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 If he responded well in the past to you stopping his advances, which in your opinion were too fast, and you trust him as a person, he's never done anything that may make you question his integrity as a person - I'd say go for it and enjoy your evening. Hell, this is the same as if he'd ask you out to a picnic on a desert Maybe to maintain his interest don't wait for him to make a move and just start it? This would put you again in a position of control - go as far as you want and that's it! If he does something that you don't like, do what you did before in the car. You know - you're in control . If a girl takes the lead and control a guy definitely doesn't loose interest - and if she stops at some point before going all the way this creates anticipation for more in the future
Author marsle85 Posted March 21, 2010 Author Posted March 21, 2010 You gave him the clear signal, that he was moving too fast, which he claimed he was fine with. If you go over to his place, it can be construed as a mixed message, if you don't sleep with him. To 100% avoid any possibility of mixed messages, don't go to his place or have him over to your place, until you get a comfort level with who he is and what he's looking for. If you being clear about things, turns off his interest, then he's not the guy for you. As far as previously agreeing to him cooking for you, there wasn't any time confirmed, it was just a generic conversation. That's why it's okay to say that while you'd love for him to do this, it's too soon. Okay. Wow, so complicated! I just feel foolish saying "You cooking for me? It's a little too soon." Because I feel like I'M complicating the words and making them a metaphor: "You ___ing me? It's a little too soon" He's going to be like... "what? Too soon for me to cook for you?"
Author marsle85 Posted March 21, 2010 Author Posted March 21, 2010 If he responded well in the past to you stopping his advances, which in your opinion were too fast, and you trust him as a person, he's never done anything that may make you question his integrity as a person - I'd say go for it and enjoy your evening. Hell, this is the same as if he'd ask you out to a picnic on a desert Haha, the day he takes me on a picnic is the day i'll sleep with him. It's hard to tell- but my gut? My gut tells me he's legit. He's white bread. Nice. Guy. Maybe Multi-grain. White bread with a twist. I trust him. If he were to make an advancement I was uncomfortable with, I don't see the situation going unfavorably... but I also care about his feelings. I don't want to unnecessarily tease him. I don't want him to get the wrong impression and be disappointed. I don't want him to resent me. And while these assumptions are on his plate, i'm responsible for the image and actions I employ. You know - you're in control . If a girl takes the lead and control a guy definitely doesn't loose interest - and if she stops at some point before going all the way this creates anticipation for more in the future Right? I'm alllll about the anticipation!
CLC2008 Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 If he responded well in the past to you stopping his advances, which in your opinion were too fast, and you trust him as a person, he's never done anything that may make you question his integrity as a person - I'd say go for it and enjoy your evening. Hell, this is the same as if he'd ask you out to a picnic on a desert Maybe to maintain his interest don't wait for him to make a move and just start it? This would put you again in a position of control - go as far as you want and that's it! If he does something that you don't like, do what you did before in the car. You know - you're in control . If a girl takes the lead and control a guy definitely doesn't loose interest - and if she stops at some point before going all the way this creates anticipation for more in the future I don't know if I agree with that 100%, but then again my perception is skewed based on my own personal experience from taking the lead myself for once in my life. Hope you have a nice dinner date OP and keep us posted.
threebyfate Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 Okay. Wow, so complicated! I just feel foolish saying "You cooking for me? It's a little too soon." Because I feel like I'M complicating the words and making them a metaphor: "You ___ing me? It's a little too soon" He's going to be like... "what? Too soon for me to cook for you?" marsle, the only person complicating this is you! Go ahead, go for dinner. What will happen, will happen, things turning out okay, mixed signals or worse yet, he turns out to be someone not trustworthy.
stillafool Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 I'm going on a date with a guy for the fourth time next week. Last time we were together he mentioned loving to cook. He suggested cooking for me, and I accepted. I'm assuming the next time we're together this is going to be his plan. After talking to a few people, everyone seems to be like "he wants to hook up!" We've only made out, and I probably wouldn't pass that point at his house. What do you think? I'm interested in hearing from men and women who have been here, done that, etc. What's the scoop normally? How do I not overstay my welcome? Secondly, if his roommates are there- what's a good entrance? What are solid conversation topics? I think in today's economy he suggesting to cook for you is a wonderful thing. If it were just a "hook up" he would just invite you over. I think he wants to do something special for you and this is a way to show off his skills as well as save some money. I think it is far more special that he would shop and cook for you rather than just pay for food at a restaurant. Enjoy!
Author marsle85 Posted March 21, 2010 Author Posted March 21, 2010 marsle, the only person complicating this is you! Go ahead, go for dinner. What will happen, will happen, things turning out okay, mixed signals or worse yet, he turns out to be someone not trustworthy. Haha- thanks guys. I'm grateful for all the help and kindness of the recent posters. 'm thinking no home-visits this week. Plus. Like I said. Killer dress.
Author marsle85 Posted March 21, 2010 Author Posted March 21, 2010 Ah HA! So I looked for an event (coincidentally) planned on our date night- and a rather large university nearby is hosting Swan Lake. Personally, I love the opportunity to see any sort of theatre, especially one of this caliber. Fortunately, tickets are only $26... $13 for students- so price shouldn't be an issue. But will I look like a total snot for wanting to see ballet? I really would love to see it, though I don't know how to quite tell him... "Hey! I want to go!" Especially because typically he's been planning things out...
Lakeside_runner Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 Ah HA! So I looked for an event (coincidentally) planned on our date night- and a rather large university nearby is hosting Swan Lake. Personally, I love the opportunity to see any sort of theatre, especially one of this caliber. Fortunately, tickets are only $26... $13 for students- so price shouldn't be an issue. But will I look like a total snot for wanting to see ballet? I really would love to see it, though I don't know how to quite tell him... "Hey! I want to go!" Especially because typically he's been planning things out... Now that is just perfect!!! No, you won't seem snotty if you really want to see it... I'd say GO FOR IT!!!
mrt336 Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 I find your perspective very interesting. I'd like you to read another analogy I've posted prior to this thread. This one is a little bit more complex, so apologies beforehand. BUT- even more so: It's like this: When a guy is getting to know you, investing in you, etc. You have a battlefield of sorts. If you can gather what the "homeland" would be- you'll understand the following: When a guy is around- his plentiful soldiers begin to infiltrate the mainland, and the villagers begin to trust and approve the army's presence. As more soldiers arrive, the more comfortable and safe the village feels. The soldiers stick their flag proudly in the soil and claim victory. Everyone's happy. Until some of the soldiers start to leave...and now the villagers kind of feel betrayed... the soldiers expect the flag they planted to be good enough reason for their return, into the villager's homeland- at any time. But without the continuous effort to make peace with the villagers, their presence becomes an imposition, instead of a welcome. Uhh...? haha Poor you. Having to deal with this, haha. So you go into military based analogies to philosophize on dating haha, very weird for a woman. What I get from your story about your friend who did X and then didn't allow X the next time because she didn't feel as close the next time and from the analogy about how the troops should continue their peacekeeping missions so the villagers continue to allow them in their lands... Well, to be honest, it sounds like you're thinking of sex and sexual contact as a reward, even if just a little bit. I say just a little bit because of your outright quote on how you feel: In my opinion, sex should be an addition to the emotional/mental stimulation of the relationship. Can you give me an example of what would make you disallow doing X on one date when the last date you allowed it? What could have changed to make you feel different? I think sex should be something both parties are interested in and I think you feel that way by your quote. When it comes to can withholding sex too long ruin a budding relationship, well of course. Time is valuable, both males and females want to see progress during their dates(this is assuming they are looking for real relationships and not just casual dating), progress of gaining each others trust, becoming more comfortable with each other, more open emotionally and sharing more of each others lives with one another and of course, progress on sexual intimacy. But of course there isn't a rule for how long you should wait, there can't be. The length a guy will wait is proportionate to how strongly he feels about you, to a point. What I'm saying is, if he thinks you're incredible, everything he could ever want, he'll wait a long time. If he is settling for you he'll be less inclined to wait. There is a caveat though, and that's the fact that sex is extremely important to relationship health itself. Basically, bad sex can kill even the best relationships. So the caveat is that even if you are everything the guy could ask for non-sexually, if you're making him wait too long to find out if sex with you is also good, he may just leave because that unknown variable might ruin everything else anyway and he has no idea when he'll find out. After so long you've got to cut your losses. I understand your stance on keeping the brakes on at the beginning because of the thrill of the chase and the idea that we're gaining ground each time, but I am really curious about why you'd backtrack at all. I can't see that EVER being good. I could understand not allowing further progress, but taking away something we've already done just brings up lots of bad ideas. The first is that you've changed your mind entirely about us, which means things were going good and now they're not, and early in a relationship that means the end. Then there's the idea that you did something last time you weren't ready to do, which makes me wonder how long it's gonna take to get back to where I feel I should already be and that makes me a little bitter. So don't forget to explain that more for me haha
Author marsle85 Posted March 21, 2010 Author Posted March 21, 2010 So you go into military based analogies to philosophize on dating haha, very weird for a woman. Haha, pardon me... I grew up with a house of men. And not to use the whole "this happened to my friend" excuse...but it really did, lol. As far as I know- they were doing really well, until his father called and X said he was out to lunch with a "neighborhood friend". So I guess the communication/chemistry was on a tilt that day, and they just weren't on the same page. So when they headed back to her house, she wanted to cuddle (peace treaty with the soldiers, haha) and he wanted to hook up (pillage the fortress:p). In actuality, I'm not a super conservative person. When I get the feeling that things are right, no matter when they are (tomorrow, the next day, whenever) then sex will be right. And I in NO way am intending to hold sex over his head. Like I said, I grew up with three brothers - I respect men, and don't want him to harbor any resentment for me. I think most resentment is founded from miscommunication anyway. Well, to be honest, it sounds like you're thinking of sex and sexual contact as a reward, even if just a little bit. Yes, I think I am too. I didn't even realize until your post- but it appears that way. Not overwhelmingly on a action/reward basis- but in a way. Another poster claimed "when a woman sees sex as a gift, it's time to run". And I completely understand his intent- but in a way, sex can and is a gift. Not in itself, but in its intimacy physically and emotionally. By having sex with someone, I am giving myself in a way. Does that make sense? As for the backtracking idea- your stance makes perfect sense. The problem is the race to the finish. Once X is accomplished- it's not appreciated anymore... And before you know it, you're running to the finish line on full speed. So after X, the next day it's Y... when in reality.. i'm like "Heyyy X is soo nicee, let's check out the sites...." haha. And I think that's where the pressure comes from.
mrt336 Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 Haha, pardon me... I grew up with a house of men. And not to use the whole "this happened to my friend" excuse...but it really did, lol. As far as I know- they were doing really well, until his father called and X said he was out to lunch with a "neighborhood friend". So I guess the communication/chemistry was on a tilt that day, and they just weren't on the same page. So when they headed back to her house, she wanted to cuddle (peace treaty with the soldiers, haha) and he wanted to hook up (pillage the fortress:p). In actuality, I'm not a super conservative person. When I get the feeling that things are right, no matter when they are (tomorrow, the next day, whenever) then sex will be right. And I in NO way am intending to hold sex over his head. Like I said, I grew up with three brothers - I respect men, and don't want him to harbor any resentment for me. I think most resentment is founded from miscommunication anyway. Yes, I think I am too. I didn't even realize until your post- but it appears that way. Not overwhelmingly on a action/reward basis- but in a way. Another poster claimed "when a woman sees sex as a gift, it's time to run". And I completely understand his intent- but in a way, sex can and is a gift. Not in itself, but in its intimacy physically and emotionally. By having sex with someone, I am giving myself in a way. Does that make sense? As for the backtracking idea- your stance makes perfect sense. The problem is the race to the finish. Once X is accomplished- it's not appreciated anymore... And before you know it, you're running to the finish line on full speed. So after X, the next day it's Y... when in reality.. i'm like "Heyyy X is soo nicee, let's check out the sites...." haha. And I think that's where the pressure comes from. I can see sex as a gift, but not a reward. Two different things really. A gift is given with no expectations. A reward is given based on certain criteria being met. Sex IS a gift in that way, but when it's used as a bartering tool or reward, that's when it's time, as a guy, to retreat (yay, army analogies are fun). As for your race to the finish line, I think the best answer is to make the track longer. Instead of a couple sprints from X to Y to Z, make it a marathon. I don't see any harm in a few dates being held up at the same amount of progress and then later allowing a little more and holding that steady for a couple of dates as well. I'm not gonna blow smoke and say "if he's the one he'll wait forever!" because that's really not true for the reasons I explained in my last post, but a guy who is genuinely into you will wait a reasonable amount of time as long as there is progress. Even slow, steady progress. Your elaboration on the story makes me sense to me now. I actually don't see a problem with that at all if I understand correctly. The first scenario sounded to me like one date they made out (training maneuvers) and she let him do X (live fire artillery practice) and then the next date they made out and then she didn't allow X. Now it sounds like she wasn't even into making out due to her mood. I understand that. Not every day is a "I feel like making out day." I can see a problem if she felt obligated to make out so she did it regardless and then decided not to allow the live fire artillery because she really didn't wanna even make out in the first place... Now she's just sending mixed signals and thus, being a dirty tease! (to the unwitting male)
SarahRose Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 Well, to be honest, it sounds like you're thinking of sex and sexual contact as a reward, even if just a little bit. Of course it is. Why would men be trying so hard to get it if it wasn't? Why are there still such double standards for sexual contact for men and women?
Pfiend101 Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 (edited) Of course it is. Why would men be trying so hard to get it if it wasn't? Why are there still such double standards for sexual contact for men and women? Women want sex just as much as men. It isn't a reward. I'm guessing you've been hurt in the past Sarah. Treat it like a reward and you will see men pass you up. Sex just isn't that big of a deal these days. Lets be honest. Waiting a few dates ok I can understand. But women that think that holding out longer make it that much more special paleeeease. Also to say sex is so emotional for women and only physical for a man is a joke. Do you have a serious emotional connection with your vibrator? If you ain't giving it to the guy he will go somewhere where he can get it. There's no point to put sex up on some pedestal. Edited March 21, 2010 by Pfiend101
SarahRose Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 Women want sex just as much as men. It isn't a reward. I'm guessing you've been hurt in the past Sarah. Treat it like a reward and you will see men pass you up. Sex just isn't that big of a deal these days. Lets be honest. Waiting a few dates ok I can understand. But women that think that holding out longer make it that much more special paleeeease. Also to say sex is so emotional for women and only physical for a man is a joke. Do you have a serious emotional connection with your vibrator? If you ain't giving it to the guy he will go somewhere where he can get it. There's no point to put sex up on some pedestal. Of course we do but there is such a huge double standard. If a woman acts like a guy and just goes randomly banging whomever she was attracted to, she would be called a slut and no guy would take her seriously. It is no use pretending it isn't that way because everyone knows it is that way. If it was no big deal, men wouldn't be trying so hard to get it and get women to give it up.
Author marsle85 Posted March 21, 2010 Author Posted March 21, 2010 Women want sex just as much as men. It isn't a reward. I'm guessing you've been hurt in the past Sarah. Treat it like a reward and you will see men pass you up. Sex just isn't that big of a deal these days. Lets be honest. Waiting a few dates ok I can understand. But women that think that holding out longer make it that much more special paleeeease. Also to say sex is so emotional for women and only physical for a man is a joke. Do you have a serious emotional connection with your vibrator? If you ain't giving it to the guy he will go somewhere where he can get it. There's no point to put sex up on some pedestal. See, these are the comments that I don't understand. I respect them, I can see that they make sense to the poster- but from my experience... I have noo idea how this could be the case. Holding out on sex -can- make it more special. This goes for anything, jeesh what's the point of foreplay? It's the anticipation. It's thinking about it and yearning for it. Sex isn't just emotional for women and physical for men. We're a lot more alike than we are different- it -can- be physically based, it -can- be emotionally based... it can be both. I don't have a serious emotional connection with my vibrator because i'm not a lunatic. that is hardly the best analogy. Likewise, I don't have a serious emotional connection with a guy I hook up with randomly- but I could. I don't think sex should be put on a pedestal, no... but I have depth. I desire depth. Everything I do, regardless of sex or not- has more than a physical component. I am an insightful, analytical, sensual, loving person. I am allowed to -want- more connection with a man, than I do with my vibrator. You're absolutely correct. Do you know why? Because a man has the capability (unlike a vibrator) to be insightful, analytical, sensual and loving... and deserves more than just my physical self.
Pfiend101 Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 I'm not saying to have sex with someone before your ready don't get me wrong. For me personally If after a few dates the other person doesn't want to I'm gone. I spent a year waiting for an ex and I never got it. Turns out she was ridin some other guy. Best of luck with your man.
CLC2008 Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 Ah HA! So I looked for an event (coincidentally) planned on our date night- and a rather large university nearby is hosting Swan Lake. Personally, I love the opportunity to see any sort of theatre, especially one of this caliber. Fortunately, tickets are only $26... $13 for students- so price shouldn't be an issue. But will I look like a total snot for wanting to see ballet? I really would love to see it, though I don't know how to quite tell him... "Hey! I want to go!" Especially because typically he's been planning things out... I don't know how or why your thread went from your initial question, to what's been said on here...but I think that's a really nice idea. Hopefully he'll be keen on the idea and will want to spend time with you regardless and things will unfold naturally. At some point, if things continue to go well, you'll know whether or not you want to continue moving forward. If he's at the same place, he will too depending on what you are both looking for.
phineas Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 Of course it is. Why would men be trying so hard to get it if it wasn't? Why are there still such double standards for sexual contact for men and women? You have to look at it this way, if he can get you to go out with him then he must be at least a decent catch. That means he can find other women to go out with him. women that don't treat sex as a reward.
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