Els Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 (edited) I think you can accept the invitation, but stay out of the bedroom, and IMO you should refrain from making out as well. If, after all that, the guy's still dumb enough to expect sex, then he brought the disappointment upon himself and it isn't your fault. If you do make out with him, it'd probably get his blood up and he'd have a classic case of blue balls later. Edit: Oops, just read that you've already made out. Didn't you say you wanted to take things slow, though? What happens after making out, then? I agree that you should probably stick to public places since if you've already made out it'd be weird to regress backwards. Edited March 20, 2010 by Elswyth
ADF Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 I don't know if "booty call" is the word I'd use. Does he probably intend for the two of you to have sex? Yes. That is likely the reason he wanted this date to take place at his house. But keep in mind he has wanted to have sex with your from the beginning. If you've no sexual interest in this man, let him know. You're not obligated to have sex. However, you do owe it to the poor guy not to string him along.
Leia Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 I'd bet he's expecting sex even though he told you he was okay with not going any further. Like someone else mentioned, he's probably hoping he can change your mind. If I were you & I didn't want the relationship to progress further, I would keep the dates light & in public so he doesn't have those expectations. Communicate your position very clearly to him, otherwise he's going to become disappointed and resentful. I think women forgot how to be women.. For one, do not send mixed messages. Going to a man's home, hanging out in his bedroom, going to his place for dinner etc, implies sex will happen. It is silly to say "Ok I will come over, but no sex".. Because as men we hear women say the same things, regardless if they want sex or not. I don't know if "booty call" is the word I'd use. Does he probably intend for the two of you to have sex? Yes. That is likely the reason he wanted this date to take place at his house. But keep in mind he has wanted to have sex with your from the beginning. If you've no sexual interest in this man, let him know. You're not obligated to have sex. However, you do owe it to the poor guy not to string him along. Yes, yes, yes.
Author marsle85 Posted March 20, 2010 Author Posted March 20, 2010 I guess I just don't understand why being at his home implies we'll have sex. I don't understand why it being the 3rd or 4th date implies we'll have sex. I must be crazy. I honestly, truly just can't comprehend why this is so rule-bound. I'm not trying to be a tease, but I know I walk on a fine line. I'm hoping to enjoy my time with him- emotionally and physically- and if I reach a point of uncomfortability... since we're both adults, we can take it slow. I'll try to communicate it to him. I don't want to sound like a prude. Sex isn't the problem. I love sex. I just am not ready at this moment.
St. Nick Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 If you don't wanna bang him then don't go over to his place. It's that simple. When you wanna bang him then go over to his place. Easy enough?
amymarieca Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 I've noticed that my friends who express what they are looking for in dating are a lot less likely to fall for a guy, sleep with him, and then have him disappear. I don't see a problem with having dinner at a guy's place after the fourth date, or even sleeping with him. Don't expect that if you do sleep with him that it will turn into a relationship!
Lakeside_runner Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 I don't see why you should think that he expects to have sex with you. It may be just me but I don't really dig that rule that you can expect to have intercourse on the 3rd or 4th date... Last girl I have dated - I invited her over for dinner on the 5th date since it seemed to me to be logical to involve her more into my surroundings, show her my apartment etc. I thought of it as revealing more of myself to her - of course we could have gone out for dinner but it was nice to stay in and watch a movie and have some wine. If you want to sleep with him, do it. If you don't want to sleep with him and think it's too early - don't do it. You may still enjoy a nice dinner that he cooked for you and if he steps over the line in your opinion - let him know that he has to wait or something. Just treat it as another date - because that's what it is - another date!
Author marsle85 Posted March 21, 2010 Author Posted March 21, 2010 I don't see why you should think that he expects to have sex with you. It may be just me but I don't really dig that rule that you can expect to have intercourse on the 3rd or 4th date... Last girl I have dated - I invited her over for dinner on the 5th date since it seemed to me to be logical to involve her more into my surroundings, show her my apartment etc. I thought of it as revealing more of myself to her - of course we could have gone out for dinner but it was nice to stay in and watch a movie and have some wine. If you want to sleep with him, do it. If you don't want to sleep with him and think it's too early - don't do it. You may still enjoy a nice dinner that he cooked for you and if he steps over the line in your opinion - let him know that he has to wait or something. Just treat it as another date - because that's what it is - another date! Finally finally finally finally. Seriously, are you the only other person that thinks it's just a way to get to know eachother better- NOT have sex?
CLC2008 Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 Some guys adhere to the "3rd date rule"....So maybe that's just what some of the posers were suggesting.
carhill Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 Finally finally finally finally. Seriously, are you the only other person that thinks it's just a way to get to know eachother better- NOT have sex? If he wasn't pushing boundaries prior, I'd say sure, enjoy dinner. I did this when dating my now stbx, except she made me dinner. She also was clear from my actions prior, somewhat different than the man in your OP, that I wouldn't have sex on my agenda for that evening. He's announced to you his behavioral and sexual style. Expect that to continue from the moment you walk through the door to his home. If it is what you want, enjoy. I love home-cooked meals
SarahRose Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 Finally finally finally finally. Seriously, are you the only other person that thinks it's just a way to get to know eachother better- NOT have sex? Please don't be so naive. Every guy that asks you out wants to have sex with you. Don't go to his house for dinner. It's too soon. He is supposed to be wooing you. As for the sex on 3rd or 4th date... lol yeah sure every guy would love that. They would love it if you put out on the first date. It makes it real easy for them...but...don't do it. They won't respect your for it. If you want a serious relationship, make him earn it and make him wait. He will respect you for it. If he is just looking for a quick piece or someone to waste time with until something better comes along he won't wait and will be gone and that is what you want.
sumdude Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 Finally finally finally finally. Seriously, are you the only other person that thinks it's just a way to get to know eachother better- NOT have sex? Probably a little of both. After all having sex is really getting to know someone better. The difference is whether or not he expects it.
Author marsle85 Posted March 21, 2010 Author Posted March 21, 2010 Alright, alright. So maybe i'll suggest something when we talk about getting together... if he mentions "Oh, I wanted to cook for you blah blah blah" ...what do I say? Something like "Oh, I was actually really looking forward to ..." ?
Lakeside_runner Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 Alright, alright. So maybe i'll suggest something when we talk about getting together... if he mentions "Oh, I wanted to cook for you blah blah blah" ...what do I say? Something like "Oh, I was actually really looking forward to ..." ? Hmmm... I'd perceive that as some sort of a turn-down (assuming that he's intentions are the ones of a gentleman). Was he always the one paying for dinners at restaurants? If that's the case and you don't want him to cook for you because of above mentioned things regarding his possible expectations, maybe you can say something like "I feel you've done so much for me lately, I want to take you out to dinner?"... It kinda sounds like a lame idea but it let's you takes control of this situation - you're for once in charge...
CLC2008 Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 Alright, alright. So maybe i'll suggest something when we talk about getting together... if he mentions "Oh, I wanted to cook for you blah blah blah" ...what do I say? Something like "Oh, I was actually really looking forward to ..." ? You can suggest going out somewhere instead. I did that on a third date during the summer, one of the cities by where I lived had a Frank Sinatra movies in the park film festival, it was right by the water and would have been really nice but from what I remember, he didn't sound to keen when I mentioned going to the city and he suggested doing something by my house instead.
Lucky555 Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 Alright, alright. So maybe i'll suggest something when we talk about getting together... if he mentions "Oh, I wanted to cook for you blah blah blah" ...what do I say? Something like "Oh, I was actually really looking forward to ..." ? just say its too early for you to be hanging out as his house. You are looking forward to doing ___________.
Author marsle85 Posted March 21, 2010 Author Posted March 21, 2010 I did that on a third date during the summer, one of the cities by where I lived had a Frank Sinatra movies in the park film festival, it was right by the water and would have been really nice but from what I remember, he didn't sound to keen when I mentioned going to the city and he suggested doing something by my house instead. That sounds like an amazing date... I'm sorry it didn't work out, haha. There's an art museum that has just recently opened up, maybe I'll suggest going there. "I feel you've done so much for me lately, I want to take you out to dinner?"... It kinda sounds like a lame idea but it let's you takes control of this situation - you're for once in charge... I like that- though I'm not quite sure if i'm ready to relent on his... hard work...lol -- He just returned from vacation, I haven't seen him in a few weeks... I think it's kind of necessary since it's still so early. But I think you're right about him maybe taking it as an insult... can you think of another way to phrase it? Thing is, I honestly didn't know this whole stigma was attached to going to his home/sex... so when we talked about it before, I expressed my excitement at him cooking for me... Now he thinks i'm all about it, haha. Sooo not what I was going for! Ahh, what now ?
Lucky555 Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 That sounds like an amazing date... I'm sorry it didn't work out, haha. There's an art museum that has just recently opened up, maybe I'll suggest going there. I like that- though I'm not quite sure if i'm ready to relent on his... hard work...lol -- He just returned from vacation, I haven't seen him in a few weeks... I think it's kind of necessary since it's still so early. But I think you're right about him maybe taking it as an insult... can you think of another way to phrase it? Thing is, I honestly didn't know this whole stigma was attached to going to his home/sex... so when we talked about it before, I expressed my excitement at him cooking for me... Now he thinks i'm all about it, haha. Sooo not what I was going for! Ahh, what now ? If you go over to his place, make sure to say before you go over you don't want to sleep with him yet. You just want to make it clear.
Lakeside_runner Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 Thing is, I honestly didn't know this whole stigma was attached to going to his home/sex... so when we talked about it before, I expressed my excitement at him cooking for me... Now he thinks i'm all about it, haha. Sooo not what I was going for! Ahh, what now ? Here's a sneaky plan Find something, an event, that is taking place on exactly only that day. Hopefully it'll be something both of you can enjoy. Should be something that takes up the whole evening. This way it'll be like you're not bailing on his cooking but simply postponing it... Another thing is - did he ever state that he's a good cook? Is cooking one of his interests/passions? If yes, chances are big that the date is about him cooking for you. But if you feel any little bit of doubt about spending an evening at his place - you shouldn't do it. This would kill the mood and ruin your date.
Lakeside_runner Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 If you go over to his place, make sure to say before you go over you don't want to sleep with him yet. You just want to make it clear. Disagree with that one... if I'd invite a girl over to my place and she'd tell me from the get-go "ok but I won't sleep with you" I would be really disgusted I probably would be like: "Who the hell do you think I am???!!!"
threebyfate Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 marsle, previously, you've mentioned that you're a psych major. With this in mind, why dance around the issue? If he wants to make dinner for you, why not just say, "While I'd love for you to make dinner for me, this is a bit too soon. How about xyz restaurant, my treat this time?"
Author marsle85 Posted March 21, 2010 Author Posted March 21, 2010 If you go over to his place, make sure to say before you go over you don't want to sleep with him yet. You just want to make it clear. I really, really must be naive! I can't believe it's that necessary. Regardless, thanks Lucky555. Any other thoughts? I'll probably just avoid going over there... The thing is- I'd like to become intimate with him, but not all at once. Why does it seem with "adult dating," you don't take things in steps. Like- why can't we progress to sex, instead of this all-or-nothing complex? I'd like to go over there and make out, etc... maybe a little more. But why can't I express when i'd like to stop? I feel like i'm stuck in junior high and totally missing the big picture. I just don't see how mature dating should be so rushed. It doesn't make sense to me.
CLC2008 Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 marsle, previously, you've mentioned that you're a psych major. With this in mind, why dance around the issue? If he wants to make dinner for you, why not just say, "While I'd love for you to make dinner for me, this is a bit too soon. How about xyz restaurant, my treat this time?" Actually, that is a perfect suggestion.
St. Nick Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 Please don't be so naive. Every guy that asks you out wants to have sex with you. Don't go to his house for dinner. It's too soon. He is supposed to be wooing you. As for the sex on 3rd or 4th date... lol yeah sure every guy would love that. They would love it if you put out on the first date. It makes it real easy for them...but...don't do it. They won't respect your for it. If you want a serious relationship, make him earn it and make him wait. He will respect you for it. If he is just looking for a quick piece or someone to waste time with until something better comes along he won't wait and will be gone and that is what you want. BS! Guys don't respect a woman who has sex on the first date? I respect all my gfs who I had sex within on the 1st or 2nd date. All my other gfs who wanted to make me "earn it" don't get nearly as much respect from me. Not playing games just shows she's mature about sex and has a healthy attitude toward it. It also shows she doesn't think sex is this evil thing to be afraid of like most Americans believe. It's just two of more consenting adults gratifying themselves for around 25 minutes. Big deal. God, I hate the prudery of my countrymen.
Author marsle85 Posted March 21, 2010 Author Posted March 21, 2010 Another thing is - did he ever state that he's a good cook? Is cooking one of his interests/passions? If yes, chances are big that the date is about him cooking for you. But if you feel any little bit of doubt about spending an evening at his place - you shouldn't do it. This would kill the mood and ruin your date. Actually, yes. He says he loves to cook and does so for his roommates all the time, etc. I teased him that he couldn't compete with the shark I'd ordered that night and he insisted i'd be impressed.
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