marsle85 Posted March 19, 2010 Posted March 19, 2010 I'm going on a date with a guy for the fourth time next week. Last time we were together he mentioned loving to cook. He suggested cooking for me, and I accepted. I'm assuming the next time we're together this is going to be his plan. After talking to a few people, everyone seems to be like "he wants to hook up!" We've only made out, and I probably wouldn't pass that point at his house. What do you think? I'm interested in hearing from men and women who have been here, done that, etc. What's the scoop normally? How do I not overstay my welcome? Secondly, if his roommates are there- what's a good entrance? What are solid conversation topics?
Woggle Posted March 19, 2010 Posted March 19, 2010 It doesn't always mean that. A lot of men who are good at cooking like to show off their skills especially to a woman. This might be the case.
Lucky555 Posted March 19, 2010 Posted March 19, 2010 many many times I always thought men just wanted to have dinner. Yes they did but then they wanted dessert. The guy is trying to speed up the dating process into getting you comfortable in his home and of course he will give you a tour of his place so you can see his BEDROOM! If your going over to the guys place expect him to want more physical contact. He knows at a public place he can't put the moves on you but at his place he can make his moves! He may not expect sex this time but he may next time.
TouchedByViolet Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 You sound worried/stressed about the dinner. It doesn't make sense to me, very unnecessary! Just be yourself and the night will go just as you want it to.
alphamale Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 What do you think? if u find him cooking in the bedroom on a portable stove you can assume its a booty call
Tnerforireyeh Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 LOL if you don't want to bang a dude don't have him over to your place and don't go to his. If it were the fourth date, I went over and cooked a chick dinner (!), and she didn't put out it would be the last date for sure. But that's here in California. If you're in Kazakhstan or wherever it might be different.
Crazy Magnet Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 Maybe he really wants to cook and just sort of elevate the physical stuff?
mrt336 Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 I dunno. I can see it both ways. I'd definitely say he is hoping for more than just making out, but to be realistic, aren't guys ALWAYS hoping to advance the physicalness by each date? (The answer is yes) I'd almost advise playfully bringing it up... "I can't wait for dinner at your place tonight, but I'm still not sleeping with you" Just take that quote and girly it up, make it a little coy and flirty. I'm sure you can do that. Then he knows what his expectations should be and isn't going to get mad or pouty. It's much worse finding out after we've been making out for an hour and started getting really hands on haha
Author marsle85 Posted March 20, 2010 Author Posted March 20, 2010 I dunno. I can see it both ways. I'd definitely say he is hoping for more than just making out, but to be realistic, aren't guys ALWAYS hoping to advance the physicalness by each date? (The answer is yes) I'd almost advise playfully bringing it up... "I can't wait for dinner at your place tonight, but I'm still not sleeping with you" Just take that quote and girly it up, make it a little coy and flirty. I'm sure you can do that. Then he knows what his expectations should be and isn't going to get mad or pouty. It's much worse finding out after we've been making out for an hour and started getting really hands on haha Maybe i'm just expecting him to be a mind reader...but I really think he knows i'm not going to sleep with him. Last date we made out for the first time in his car... we were kind of going at it and he went to grab my breast and I gently pushed his hand away. He said "No? That's okay, I'm fine with this..." and grabbed me again to kiss me. Now, words are words. They mean nothing- but he knows I have boundaries... Hmmm...worth thinking about
mrt336 Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 Oh yeah, if you did that your very last date, I can't see why he'd assume you'd sleep with him this time. I definitely wouldn't. I think you're fine. He might try a little hands on again to see how that goes though.
Author marsle85 Posted March 20, 2010 Author Posted March 20, 2010 Well it'll probably go a little more successfully, haha. The problem is (and I am not trying to generalize, I can only speak from my experience) the men I've been with seem to view advancing sexually as an act of "conquering". So, if I did X- next time i'm with him, X is now expected, and we're moving on to Y. Once I proceed to Y, X is nothing- (where it's certainly not nothing in MY eyes) and Y is expected...reaching for Z. But the next day- say there's a miscommunication or fight, if X is not on the menu, all hell breaks loose and i'm being a tease. When really. I swear. I just want to take things slow because there's really only 26 letters in the alphabet. Was that analogy sufficent?
mrt336 Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 Well it'll probably go a little more successfully, haha. The problem is (and I am not trying to generalize, I can only speak from my experience) the men I've been with seem to view advancing sexually as an act of "conquering". So, if I did X- next time i'm with him, X is now expected, and we're moving on to Y. Once I proceed to Y, X is nothing- (where it's certainly not nothing in MY eyes) and Y is expected...reaching for Z. But the next day- say there's a miscommunication or fight, if X is not on the menu, all hell breaks loose and i'm being a tease. When really. I swear. I just want to take things slow because there's really only 26 letters in the alphabet. Was that analogy sufficent? That's a very unique analogy haha. I just don't think I can comprehend it as a male though. I mean the words make sense, but I don't understand. If you've done X, then why stop allowing X if nothing major has changed? Not only that, but I think it's strictly a female emotion, the sense of "I'm LETTING him do this to me." As a guy I'm usually thinking "she is doing this to me" Nothing about me letting her. To me it's a beautiful girl I like who wants to do something with me and to a female it's a cute guy they like who they are letting go so far. Totally different ways of thinking about it. It's why there's a lot of confusion about why you stop us from doing some things, but I understand you're told for most of your life that good girls don't do certain things etc.
Trimmer Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 Maybe i'm just expecting him to be a mind reader... Yeah, that usually works out just fine with guys... Incidentally, I get what you are saying with the 26 letters, but geez, if you're starting with "X", you realize that you only have 2 more letters to go?
Author marsle85 Posted March 20, 2010 Author Posted March 20, 2010 That's a very unique analogy haha. I just don't think I can comprehend it as a male though. I mean the words make sense, but I don't understand. If you've done X, then why stop allowing X if nothing major has changed? Not only that, but I think it's strictly a female emotion, the sense of "I'm LETTING him do this to me." As a guy I'm usually thinking "she is doing this to me" Nothing about me letting her. To me it's a beautiful girl I like who wants to do something with me and to a female it's a cute guy they like who they are letting go so far. Totally different ways of thinking about it. It's why there's a lot of confusion about why you stop us from doing some things, but I understand you're told for most of your life that good girls don't do certain things etc. I find your perspective very interesting. I'd like you to read another analogy I've posted prior to this thread. This one is a little bit more complex, so apologies beforehand. I know another posed the question, "Can you ruin a relationship by waiting too long for sex?" And i'm interested. In my opinion, sex should be an addition to the emotional/mental stimulation of the relationship. But for many, it's a fundamental basis for the pursual of a partner. Actually, I may have even mispoke. I WISH I could have sex with any guy I went out with for the second time- and know that it wouldn't change the relationship. But it simply doesn't work that way, especially because a large portion of the interest he shows is sexually fueled. So. Tell us all about it. How long did you wait? How long do you expect to wait? What is unreasonable to you personally? Do you prefer making small advances? I know I would rather advance physically with the distance emotionally i'm making with my partner. Another problem i've found is that by doing this or that- you're positively reinforcing your guy that "Ok. Dinner. 2nd base. Next day: Dinner. Third base...etc" yadayadayada... A friend of mine (and I know i've experienced this) was dating a guy, they did this or that... and the next time they went out, he expected to this or that. She didn't feel the closeness she had the prior night, and said "i'm sorry, but I'm not where I was before". I know for guys, that's like "uhh hello?" Because he responded: "But we did it before..." After hearing that I was so angry! It seems like guys think "Step A. Conquered. Step B... still in the works...50% conquered." I explained to my friend that it appears men and women think differently, and I don't think he intended to make her feel like an object. You don't "earn" your way to a woman's body. To girls (or atleast myself) I feel like "Ok. I am putting myself out there. Here is this. See? I'm trying..." and for guys it's like, "Wait she's only doing this? What a tease!" So actually, it seems like- by me waiting to make sure the guy is in it for the right reasons, it puts so much pressure on me that I begin doubting the relationship anyway! How do you guage physical/emotional relationships? BUT- even more so: It's like this: When a guy is getting to know you, investing in you, etc. You have a battlefield of sorts. If you can gather what the "homeland" would be- you'll understand the following: When a guy is around- his plentiful soldiers begin to infiltrate the mainland, and the villagers begin to trust and approve the army's presence. As more soldiers arrive, the more comfortable and safe the village feels. The soldiers stick their flag proudly in the soil and claim victory. Everyone's happy. Until some of the soldiers start to leave...and now the villagers kind of feel betrayed... the soldiers expect the flag they planted to be good enough reason for their return, into the villager's homeland- at any time. But without the continuous effort to make peace with the villagers, their presence becomes an imposition, instead of a welcome. Uhh...? haha Poor you. Having to deal with this, haha.
Author marsle85 Posted March 20, 2010 Author Posted March 20, 2010 Yeah, that usually works out just fine with guys... Incidentally, I get what you are saying with the 26 letters, but geez, if you're starting with "X", you realize that you only have 2 more letters to go? Very true. I actually just started with "X" because it's the uniform "fill-in-the-blank" symbol. I'm at... "D"...maybe? haha
skydiveaddict Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 I find your perspective very interesting. I'd like you to read another analogy I've posted prior to this thread. This one is a little bit more complex, so apologies beforehand. BUT- even more so: It's like this: When a guy is getting to know you, investing in you, etc. You have a battlefield of sorts. If you can gather what the "homeland" would be- you'll understand the following: When a guy is around- his plentiful soldiers begin to infiltrate the mainland, and the villagers begin to trust and approve the army's presence. As more soldiers arrive, the more comfortable and safe the village feels. The soldiers stick their flag proudly in the soil and claim victory. Everyone's happy. Until some of the soldiers start to leave...and now the villagers kind of feel betrayed... the soldiers expect the flag they planted to be good enough reason for their return, into the villager's homeland- at any time. But without the continuous effort to make peace with the villagers, their presence becomes an imposition, instead of a welcome. Uhh...? haha Poor you. Having to deal with this, haha. Excellent. but you're missing one key thing: the soldiers only leave when they're ordered to leave
Author marsle85 Posted March 20, 2010 Author Posted March 20, 2010 Excellent. but you're missing one key thing: the soldiers only leave when they're ordered to leave Or they get lazy, uninterested, etc. Anything could happen.
skydiveaddict Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 Or they get lazy, uninterested, etc. Anything could happen. uninterested in you? I don't think so
Tnerforireyeh Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 I have a real problem with anyone having total control over my access to sex so once a woman starts playing hard to get I get nervous and leave. But some dudes are okay with it.
calizaggy Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 If you don't want sex, then do not go to his house..
Leia Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 Good lord. I didn't know dating is this complicated. If you don't want to go ahead and have sex, tell him. If you want to take it slow, let him know. Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. Men can't read minds and women can't as well!
Leia Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 I could be wrong but most guys expect sex on date #3 or #4. Even if he said it was alright to just make out and nothing more ... I'd say he's hoping the home-cooked meal can change your mind.
bayouboi Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 I'd bet he's expecting sex even though he told you he was okay with not going any further. Like someone else mentioned, he's probably hoping he can change your mind. If I were you & I didn't want the relationship to progress further, I would keep the dates light & in public so he doesn't have those expectations. Communicate your position very clearly to him, otherwise he's going to become disappointed and resentful.
calizaggy Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 I'd bet he's expecting sex even though he told you he was okay with not going any further. Like someone else mentioned, he's probably hoping he can change your mind. If I were you & I didn't want the relationship to progress further, I would keep the dates light & in public so he doesn't have those expectations. Communicate your position very clearly to him, otherwise he's going to become disappointed and resentful. I think women forgot how to be women.. For one, do not send mixed messages. Going to a man's home, hanging out in his bedroom, going to his place for dinner etc, implies sex will happen. It is silly to say "Ok I will come over, but no sex".. Because as men we hear women say the same things, regardless if they want sex or not.
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