Question for BSs

[wheelwright]

Unashamedly, I am looking for answers to my own questions here. But I expect other (M)OW have the same questions.

 

I feel bad for asking, but I don't know where else to put the questions.

 

1. Did you love your MP/SO in the first place? How?

 

2. Did you find more love after the WS's A? Why?

 

3. How important was your idea of family in staying with the W/confusedS?

 

4. Did you doubt your love for the WS?

 

5. Did any sexual hang ups you had that may have been part of the reason for the A get resolved through the crisis? How/why?

 

6. Do you ever think your WS and their AP would have been a better couple? Why not? Why? Do you contemplate that idea?

 

7. How far did money play a part in your decsion? If you had been rich, would it have been different?

 

8. Do you feel you have the truth of the matter, or just how things turned out?

 

9. Do you believe emotions in the A were fog? Why? Do you have evidence for this? (Spark I know you do!)

 

10. AOB - because I quite like TJs

[Spark1111]

Unashamedly, I am looking for answers to my own questions here. But I expect other (M)OW have the same questions.

 

I feel bad for asking, but I don't know where else to put the questions.

 

1. Did you love your MP/SO in the first place? How?

 

2. Did you find more love after the WS's A? Why?

 

3. How important was your idea of family in staying with the W/confusedS?

 

4. Did you doubt your love for the WS?

 

5. Did any sexual hang ups you had that may have been part of the reason for the A get resolved through the crisis? How/why?

 

6. Do you ever think your WS and their AP would have been a better couple? Why not? Why? Do you contemplate that idea?

 

7. How far did money play a part in your decsion? If you had been rich, would it have been different?

 

8. Do you feel you have the truth of the matter, or just how things turned out?

 

9. Do you believe emotions in the A were fog? Why? Do you have evidence for this? (Spark I know you do!)

 

10. AOB - because I quite like TJs

 

1. Crazy in love and I knew this because through some almost impossible times, times that would crush other relationships, I never thought of leaving this man or seeking another, ever. Plus, up until the few years prior to the affair when he was in a very low state, and during it when he was mean to me, I always had a physical reaction to him when he walked into the room. Could not help that magnetic pull.

 

2. I think yes! We had both grown complacent, distant, and then angry and blaming each other. It was a make or break point, and sometimes you almost have to lose something to really discover how much you value it.

 

3. and 7. Not one iota! I make my own money and my children are young adults who were supportive of any decision I made. I was fearful of finances, but I would live in a hovel happily than be in a loveless relationship. It shocked the hell out of him after DDAY, but then, he forgot who he married.

 

4. No never, though I did hate what he had done to me, I knew I loved him, and if nothing else, took the high road because he would always be the father of my children. If he chose her, I always wanted to remain friends....when I regained the strength to do so.

 

5. There was a lack of communication on his part, and also a defensiveness when I communicated what I wanted. Those days are gone. I will never side-step or pussy-foot around what I need to spare someone's feelings, and demand to know what he needs and fulfill it.

 

6. Yes I did. And told my children to be respectful of her if that is who their father loved. I loved him and he loved her, so I was very curious about her and thought she must be somewhat like me (true to his type, so to speak.) I was very curious for a long time, and then learned she is nothing like me.

 

7. I have most of the truths...probably not all, but enough to piece it together in a way that makes sense to me. In fact, I probably have more truth of it than he does....if that makes any sense. He saw only what he needed to see in the affair, those aspects that made him feel wonderful about himself....and not too much more.

 

8. Well....if given the opportunity to go commit to your secret soul mate of 1.5 years and we will work the rest of it out, without acrimony....for the sake of the family.....why about face, on a dime, and beg to reconcile with that uncaring, only here for the paycheck spouse??? Why start stalking me to make sure I'm not out dating? Why beg for a dinner with me to discuss the formal separating of finances, take me home and rip my dress off and make love to ME while the OW is now calling to see where YOU are??? Jeez....talk about fog confusion.

[crazycatlady]

I had taken the time to write out a response the first time I saw this and then the site went down or something. Very frustrating. My answers are in bold following the question.

 

Unashamedly, I am looking for answers to my own questions here. But I expect other (M)OW have the same questions.

 

I feel bad for asking, but I don't know where else to put the questions.

 

Don't feel bad about asking, how will you learn if you don't ask. Anyone offended will simply not answer.

 

1. Did you love your MP/SO in the first place? How?

 

I loved him the only way I know, with every part of my being. Pretty much from the time I opened to the door to him, to now, and most likely beyond, he's my love.

 

2. Did you find more love after the WS's A? Why?

 

I think I found a greater appreciation for that love.

 

3. How important was your idea of family in staying with the W/confusedS?

 

It isnt. We had discussed before what we would do if we were ever to seperate. It was one of the things we first talked about when I was doing estate planning how we would handle a divorce. I think we could have manage to keep things civilized and without hatred. Its not my style to hold a grudge anyway. Due to the fact that I can't support the kids and I, he would keep the kids. Given the fact that he has to go out of town a lot, I would live close by.

 

4. Did you doubt your love for the WS?

 

Never. I might have doubted the wisdom of it but some things can't be helped.

 

5. Did any sexual hang ups you had that may have been part of the reason for the A get resolved through the crisis? How/why?

 

I have no sexual hang ups. And it was never about sex. While during that time our sex life wasn't as good as it often is, it was not the cause in any way shape or form.

 

6. Do you ever think your WS and their AP would have been a better couple? Why not? Why? Do you contemplate that idea?

 

Yes I did contemplate the idea. He's a cat person, and she is a dog person (sorta a joke but not really). So there are some fundemental differences. I would step aside if I thought he would really rather be with her. Some things came up just last night actually, after I had written my first response and it didn't go through, that definately makes me feel that I am who he really wants to be with. However, if he were to come to me, and be honest, or if/when I finally confront him about the fact I know about his time with her, and he wanted to still sometimes see her, I would let him. I know he cares deeply for her, I know he has a strong attraction to her. But I know he has all that and more for me.

 

And, I know her, and this is not a bash to OW in any way shape or form, I know her....She isn't as complete in herself as she needs to be to be capable of sustaining a loving emotionally equal long term relationship. I'm not sure she will ever be there. Not for a healthy long term relationship. I think there is too much neediness there.

 

Plus they got together during an identity crisis that H was having. It was a very difficult time for him last year for pretty much the whole year. And there was a part of him that wanted to run away, didn't care what the world would thing, needed footloose and fancy free, but that part of him is rather self-destructrive and never very happy. Over the last couple of months he's starting to find himself again, starting to bring himself back to me and a fierce passion.

 

7. How far did money play a part in your decsion? If you had been rich, would it have been different?

 

It didn't.

 

8. Do you feel you have the truth of the matter, or just how things turned out?

 

I have only the fact that I know something happened, I know where some of it happened, and a whole lot of guessing to fill in the rest. Its educated guesswork due to what I know of him, what I know of her and what I know of us to figure out what I know of them.

 

9. Do you believe emotions in the A were fog? Why? Do you have evidence for this? (Spark I know you do!)

 

No, I don't think it was a fog. I think the emotions are real. I think he is more then capable of loving us both, wanting us both, needing us both. He needed her during that time of crisis. He needed the fantasy of escape that she gave him. I don't think it is a fantasy that could live in real life. I don't think either of them could get along together long term, and again she's not emotionally stable enough to handle a healthy LTR, not full time.

 

10. AOB - because I quite like TJs

 

What does AOB mean?

 

I know our situation is different then most here. I know some think simply by having an open marriage then neither of love or respect each other. Of course I don't agree with that assumption. Or that by being open, he couldn't possibly have cheated, but again, that's not true.

 

I know I also look at things differently then others. I have felt resentful off and on about the fact that he lied and continues to lie. Which makes me sometimes feel he (and she) think I'm stupid. I was never bitter, nor angry past a brief moment of anger at Her - him I can divorce, but she will always be my flesh and blood. I was hurt, very bad. But I do feel our love is worth that risk of pain. It hurt so bad it was a physical pain. But our love is still worth it.

 

He and I were talking via text message last night during his travels back home during one of his layovers. And we got to talking about fear (we have very strange discussions sometimes). He was like nothing that can't hurt you physically isn't worth fearing. And I asked back, you don't fear losing me. He answered back "very much so, but that's physical".

 

CCL

[jwi71]

1) Yes I loved her...loved her so much I MARRIED her. How? Every way I knew of.

2) More love for whom? my now xW? or women in general? How about, I divorced her and after some 1.5 years...found myself a WONDERFUL woman.

3) Very. I felt guilty for wanting out. Ultimately I decided, with therapy, I deserved a life too. Best. Move. Ever. I do NOT regret it.

4) Every day. Every word. Nothing but doubt. Miserable way to live.

5) N/A for me.

6) Oddly enough, in my "time for D speech", I told her this. I know they dated for awhile during and after the D, but no clue if they are still together now. Don't care.

7) Not one bit did I consider it. I lost everything in the D and was happy to do so.

8) No clue. And, I don't think about "the truth". She is the past and as such occupies few thoughts.

9) Oh yes. She made 2 attempts to "come back" saying that very thing "confused, lost, etc". The first time I listened and turned her away. The second time I literally shut the door on her.

10) AOB?

 

That's my perspective.

I am, in hindsight, generally HAPPY for her A. I learned SO much about myself, her, people and relationships. I learned I had never really been happy. I completely did a 180 in my life during the time in therapy and after D-day. HAd she NOT cheated, I would be miserably making 200K, working 60+hours a week and wasting my life.

 

Now...great woman in my life. I work 9-5 in NEW career field. Spend quality with her and my kids (when I have them), pursue interests and hobbies I once "had no time" for...its been awesome for me. I'm happy now. Not as well off financially...but I don;t ****ing care either.

 

JW

[jennie-jennie]

AOB = Any Other Business (Thank you, Google.)

[Dexter Morgan]

3. How important was your idea of family in staying with the W/confusedS?

 

to me it was the ONLY reason i'd have wanted to stay, and sadly it wasn't a good enough reason. my kids needed a happy father, not a miserable one the felt trapped to someone I deemed as s##t from that point on.

 

 

4. Did you doubt your love for the WS?

 

no...I doubted hers for me.

 

 

6. Do you ever think your WS and their AP would have been a better couple? Why not? Why? Do you contemplate that idea?

 

they are a couple....and he has already physically assaulted her if that answers your question.

 

 

 

7. How far did money play a part in your decsion? If you had been rich, would it have been different?

 

 

money played absolutely no part. the money spent on divorce was the best money I have spent to date.

 

8. Do you feel you have the truth of the matter, or just how things turned out?

 

if in truth you mean details, no, I had no details and don't care. All I know is that there was a consumated affair....thats all I needed to know to make a decision.

[PhoenixRise]

Unashamedly, I am looking for answers to my own questions here. But I expect other (M)OW have the same questions.

 

I feel bad for asking, but I don't know where else to put the questions.

 

1. Did you love your MP/SO in the first place? How?

 

I loved my H deeply and passionately before the affair.

 

2. Did you find more love after the WS's A? Why?

 

No. The nature of the love changed. Before I was loving someone who had always treated me like gold. Now I am loving someone who hurt me badly. It is a more aware love.

 

3. How important was your idea of family in staying with the W/confusedS?

 

I packed up my stuff and moved away. Of course the well being of my child played into my thinking. But I could not stay at the expense of my own self respect.

 

4. Did you doubt your love for the WS?

 

No. I never doubted my love for him. Even as I was packing my sh** and driving away I knew I loved him. Later I did ask myself if loving him was a good enough reason to take him back. It wasn't. I didn't take him back until he had proven by his actions not only that he loved me but also that he could be, wanted to be, and was working to be the kind of man I deserved.

 

5. Did any sexual hang ups you had that may have been part of the reason for the A get resolved through the crisis? How/why?

 

No. we always had a good sex life. Even during the affair.

 

6. Do you ever think your WS and their AP would have been a better couple? Why not? Why? Do you contemplate that idea?

 

I never considered that the OW might be better for him because he always said I was the one he wanted. Really, I don't know her well enough to say for sure whether or not she would have been better for him. I do know when I left if he thought perhaps she was a better match he had the opportunity to find out without any interference from me.

 

7. How far did money play a part in your decsion? If you had been rich, would it have been different?

 

Not even a little bit. I had been a SAHM at my husbands request for a number of years (our child is still pretty young) But before that I have had a job and made my own money since I was 15 years old. I had no doubt I would be able to care for myself and my child. None.

 

8. Do you feel you have the truth of the matter, or just how things turned out?

 

I feel now that I have the truth of the matter. Of course I didn't just take his word for everything. We talk, I evaluate.

 

9. Do you believe emotions in the A were fog? Why? Do you have evidence for this? (Spark I know you do!)

 

I know that some horrible things happened in our lives just prior to the affair. I know he was knocked off his kilter. I know that strong feelings were expressed by him. I know that for my H, his affair was a bad substitute for therapy he should have been getting all along. His feelings were real, but they weren't based in reality.

 

10. AOB - because I quite like TJs

 

Interesting questions.

Regarding question 6, I have to wonder if any woman stays with a WS if they truly think the other person in the triangle is a better match for the him. I don't think any OW would ever objectively say the wife is a better match, no matter how hard the H tries to stay married to her. It is always because of the kids, finances, society, whatever...never because of the woman who helps make all that other stuff go.

Edited March 20, 2010 by PhoenixRise

[seibert253]

Unashamedly, I am looking for answers to my own questions here. But I expect other (M)OW have the same questions.

 

I feel bad for asking, but I don't know where else to put the questions.

 

1. Did you love your MP/SO in the first place? How?

 

2. Did you find more love after the WS's A? Why?

 

3. How important was your idea of family in staying with the W/confusedS?

 

4. Did you doubt your love for the WS?

 

5. Did any sexual hang ups you had that may have been part of the reason for the A get resolved through the crisis? How/why?

 

6. Do you ever think your WS and their AP would have been a better couple? Why not? Why? Do you contemplate that idea?

 

7. How far did money play a part in your decsion? If you had been rich, would it have been different?

 

8. Do you feel you have the truth of the matter, or just how things turned out?

 

9. Do you believe emotions in the A were fog? Why? Do you have evidence for this? (Spark I know you do!)

 

10. AOB - because I quite like TJs

 

Answers:

1. Yes, from the first kiss.

2. No, it remained the same and still is

3. Played some roll, but not the primary. If she didn't want come back to me, our family, and our M, I certainly didn't want her back.

4. I thought I did after Dday, but reflecting I think it was more the shock and confusion of it all, not true doubt.

5. Yes, prior to the A and during, sex was pretty much non existant. Now it's better, not ideal IMO, ( I have a high sexual appitite, she doesn't).

6. Don't really know, and frankly don't care.

7. Didn't play any part in the decision. Even if were dirt poor, or had millions, wouldn't have made a difference. I wasn't going to waste my time with a W who didn't love and want me exclusively.

8. I know everything. Once "defogged" she's been totally honest and upfront with everything about the A. I know because I've verified everything. She also knew I would do that, if there were any "forgotten or misleading details", she was out the door.

9. I believe the fantasy world she was living in led to the fog. I was blessed in that her fog lifted rather quickly. Didn't take too long before she "got it", and came back to earth.

10. ? sorry that one went over my head.

[moaningmyrtle]

Unashamedly, I am looking for answers to my own questions here. But I expect other (M)OW have the same questions.

 

I feel bad for asking, but I don't know where else to put the questions.

 

1. Did you love your MP/SO in the first place? How?

 

Yes we both loved each other. After children and life, that new "being in love" feeling took a back seat.

 

2. Did you find more love after the WS's A? Why?

 

Yes. Me finding out about the A was a wake-up call for us both. It was literally make-up or break-up time and we both had to make some spur of the moment decisions - me more so than him. After all he'd had many years to prepare for the eventuality of a d-day. Nevertheless it was a total surprise for us both, as were the feelings that were unleashed. There was no way I wanted to be in an empty-shell marriage and at d-day I felt that is all we'd had. He on the other hand kept trying to convince me that his A didn't negate yeas of us being together - that he viewed it as a supplement not a replacement. I suppose one thing was that if it truly was a replacement then my H being who he is, he would have left when he had the opportunity.

 

 

3. How important was your idea of family in staying with the W/confused?

 

Neither of us wanted to hurt our kids by breaking up their happy family. Despite our problems they viewed their family life as happy. Both H and I get part, but not all of, our identity (ie the way we view ourselves) from being part of a family that does things together. Our parenting has always been loving and interactive with our children.

 

4. Did you doubt your love for the WS?

 

Yes and and I doubted his love for for me. OTOH he never expressed any doubt about his feelings for me. I remember a few weeks after d-day he was very upset saying he couldn't bear it if I didn't love him anymore.

 

5. Did any sexual hang ups you had that may have been part of the reason for the A get resolved through the crisis? How/why?

 

Only that our sex life had become less frequent - I don't have any hang-ups as such. It sounded like the OW had more of these than me anyway. We took active steps to improve our sex life and these continue to this day.

 

6. Do you ever think your WS and their AP would have been a better couple? Why not? Why? Do you contemplate that idea?

 

They shared some characteristic such as being able to betray their spouses and children (and all the lying, deceit and manipulation that goes with that). When I was very angry at him I said that I thought they deserved each other. I don't believe a relationship between them would have worked in the long term - and it didn't of course. I don't know her, but his view is that a relationship between them would never have worked. She is from a different culture/country to him and does not speak the same language. Her family spoke another language at home. It's not just a language barrier though. It's not having shared values. She had a different view of honesty and commitment compared to me and he said he wouldn't have wante to live with that sort of uncertainty all the time . Ironic really!

 

7. How far did money play a part in your decision? If you had been rich, would it have been different?

 

None. We are well-off by most people's standards. The OW had very little money and I believe my H spent quite a lot on her. Nearly a year after d-day she contacted my H apparently wanting money. There was a baby born during the A that she insists is not my H's child. We have asked to have a paternity test but she won't agree. If my H were the child's father we would support him but not if he's not.

 

8. Do you feel you have the truth of the matter, or just how things turned out?

 

I don't have every detail of a 3 year affair but I have sufficient detail and everything that my H remembers.

 

9. Do you believe emotions in the A were fog? Why? Do you have evidence for this? (Spark I know you do!)

 

No not fog. My H described it more as fantasy. Not to mean that the A didn't happen but that their "dreams" (if I can call them that), of having a life together with endless love and sex, no work, no housework, no problems whatsoever (except problems that they resolved in a responsible and caring manner) were in the realm of fantasy and he knew it even if she took it more seriously.

 

10. AOB - because I quite like TJs

 

I've said before that there's virtually nothing that goes on in an A (love, sex, passion, explicit e-mails, words denying the significance of the marriage etc) that can't be overcome by a BW and incorporated into a new relationship, if the married couple decide to stay together and the WS is honest.

Edited March 21, 2010 by moaningmyrtle

[Snowflower]

Unashamedly, I am looking for answers to my own questions here. But I expect other (M)OW have the same questions.

 

I feel bad for asking, but I don't know where else to put the questions.

 

Don't feel bad! And I appreciate your direct approach in asking.

1. Did you love your MP/SO in the first place? How?

I'm assuming you meant pre-affair or during the affair. But yes, I did. My situation was that my H pulled away from me rather than lying/gaslighting me. Really, over a couple of weeks he changed from the person he had always been into a complete stranger who suddenly wanted a divorce/separation. I had always loved him but I was more aware of how strong my feelings were as I was 'losing him.' At this point, I didn't know about the A. I just knew how strong my own feelings were.

 

2. Did you find more love after the WS's A? Why?

No, I found more love for my H before the A was disclosed (I tried to explain above).

3. How important was your idea of family in staying with the W/confusedS?

Of course I considered my children but they are teenagers, not toddlers. If my H and I had decided to divorce, I knew that my children were almost out of the house. They were my first consideration, but I would have never stayed in the marriage long-term if things weren't working out.

 

4. Did you doubt your love for the WS?

Never! Again, I tried to explain in question #1. After realizing how much I wanted my husband and how much I loved him I have never doubted my love for him.

 

5. Did any sexual hang ups you had that may have been part of the reason for the A get resolved through the crisis? How/why?

Yes, there were some long-standing issues there but we were resolving them independent of the A. My husband's A was short term and not an intense sexual relationship.

 

6. Do you ever think your WS and their AP would have been a better couple? Why not? Why? Do you contemplate that idea?

Like Phoenix mentioned above, no matter what I say as a BS, it won't be believed by the OW. I will say that I did ask my H shortly after we reconciled that if I had filed for divorce, would he have gone to the OW. He said no, he would never have done that because he loved me and couldn't imagine being with anyone else at that point.

 

For the record though, I don't think my H and his OW would have been a better couple--there was too much dysfunction in their relationship for it to be successful. How do I know this? I could feel the dysfunction after d-day, and my husband admitted as much.

 

7. How far did money play a part in your decsion? If you had been rich, would it have been different?

It played no part in my decision. I have an education, a good career that I love and a support network. I would have figured out how to support myself even if it was the last thing I was expecting at that time.

 

8. Do you feel you have the truth of the matter, or just how things turned out?

I do believe I have the truth of what happened in the affair. Every little detail? No, but I'm okay with that. Most important for me, I understand what my H's affair was and what it was not. And that works very well for me.

 

9. Do you believe emotions in the A were fog? Why? Do you have evidence for this? (Spark I know you do!)

I don't really like the term 'fog' but I know that feelings and reality often become very convoluted in affairs. I saw it my husband's A and I read about it here on LS all the time.

 

10. AOB - because I quite like TJs

????Not sure what this means!

Edited March 21, 2010 by Snowflower

[seren]

Unashamedly, I am looking for answers to my own questions here. But I expect other (M)OW have the same questions.

 

I feel bad for asking, but I don't know where else to put the questions.

Good thread IMO- hope the bold thing works.

 

1. Did you love your MP/SO in the first place? How?

I know this sounds corny but I loved my H from first sight, really. I loved him enough to trust him with my poor battered heart, and to be me when I was usually very guarded.

2. Did you find more love after the WS's A? Why?

I couldn't have loved him more, but we had been caught up with life and H and I had been through some very bad times and had neglected our marriage. The A made us look at what we were in danger of losing through not paying enough attention. The A has changed us, H especially, he is no longer a conflict avoider and I am not an enabler.

3. How important was your idea of family in staying with the W/confusedS?

None at all.

 

4. Did you doubt your love for the WS?

No, not for a heartbeat.

5. Did any sexual hang ups you had that may have been part of the reason for the A get resolved through the crisis? How/why?

Never ever had a sexual hang up, our lack of sex was because I had treatment for Ovarian problems, but we were still intimate.

 

6. Do you ever think your WS and their AP would have been a better couple? Why not? Why? Do you contemplate that idea?

No, my first words to him were, if you love her then go and I will help to sort out our lives. In a peverse way, H loves my honesty and integrity and just wouldn't be with someone who could lie so easily (I know double standards). OW also bad mouthed her H to him and he had no respect for her. If he had loved her then he could have simply left.

 

7. How far did money play a part in your decsion? If you had been rich, would it have been different?

None, I am the main breadwinner and earn a very good salary.

 

8. Do you feel you have the truth of the matter, or just how things turned out?

It took time, but I have the truth. I am more realistic about it than H, he chooses to think of it as a dammed awful time, I say he must have had feelings for her, in fact would not be so pissed off if he had loved her, but he says not. OW helped me to make sense of it by being honest about what it was. So yes, the truth now.

 

9. Do you believe emotions in the A were fog? Why? Do you have evidence for this? (Spark I know you do!)

I believe that H wanted to feel loved, wanted, and to escape what was happening in our life. I believe that even though he denies it, that he had feelings for her, however, I also believe that he was not himself during the A (Iraq, my health, etc). I know he wasn't in love or lust, it was what it was, an escape from reality.

 

10. AOB - because I quite like TJs

I can so see how two people can meet and fall in love, even though one or both are married. What I don't understand is how they can continue to say they are in love if one or the other stays in a marriage - just doesn't compute.

[crazycatlady]

So Wheelwright, has this helped any?

 

Oh that sounds snarky, don't mean it that way. I'm just curious if this answers or if it sparks new questions. I don't mind continuing answering. It helps me think things through too.

 

CCL

[wheelwright]

So Wheelwright, has this helped any?

 

Oh that sounds snarky, don't mean it that way. I'm just curious if this answers or if it sparks new questions. I don't mind continuing answering. It helps me think things through too.

 

CCL

 

Wow. I am so touched by these honest answers. Three things strike me. That all the BSs here loved their MPs in the start, that despite doubt that went on, and that money had no part to play.

 

I am heartened by all that - especially the money bit. People have integrity.

 

And in this thread there was honesty and no trolling or sides. (I think more or less).

 

I don't have more questions, except one I am not sure the BSs on this thread can answer. Because it's clear they know they love/d their WS.

 

What speaks out here is love.

 

Thank you, you have given me such insight, and with that wisdom to take away about how love endures beyond betrayal - if the love was there.

 

I am blind to my xMOM's thoughts or his BSs's. As the xMOW, I sincerely felt there was no love there beyond the devotion love of duty. And I had heard her say she had never loved him.

 

But what I see in these answers is that M love runs deep - and that decisions after DDay are not made so selfishly as an OW might think re the BS.

 

I wish all the people who have responded here much luck in their continued reconcliliations. And thank you.

[silktricks]

My answers are in bold below

 

 

1. Did you love your MP/SO in the first place? How?

 

I loved him deeply. How? I guess I don't really understand what you're asking here. In every way I could.

 

2. Did you find more love after the WS's A? Why?

 

More love. Well, I wouldn't say more. I would say that we both became aware of what we really had and had come close to losing. He became more able to talk about how he actually felt about me/us - which was something that had been very difficult for him.

 

3. How important was your idea of family in staying with the W/confusedS?

 

It had nothing to do with us staying together.

 

4. Did you doubt your love for the WS?

 

I didn't doubt my love for him, I doubted his love for me. He had to prove to me that he loved me. I would never have stayed with him simply because I loved him. I also had to know that he loved me with the same depth and intensity that I had. I'm not into one way relationships.

 

5. Did any sexual hang ups you had that may have been part of the reason for the A get resolved through the crisis? How/why?

 

I didn't have any sexual hang ups.

 

6. Do you ever think your WS and their AP would have been a better couple? Why not? Why? Do you contemplate that idea?

 

hahahahahahahaha.... NO. If my husband hadn't been in a messed up state of mind the affair would never have happened. I never considered the possibility that they would have been a better pair - why would I? He chose me and I chose him for a huge number of reasons. He had attraction to her because of elements of her personality that reminded him of me.

 

7. How far did money play a part in your decsion? If you had been rich, would it have been different?

 

Money didn't enter into my decision at all. Neither of us would ever choose someone or choose a relationship for that reason.

 

8. Do you feel you have the truth of the matter, or just how things turned out?

 

I'm certain I have the truth.

 

9. Do you believe emotions in the A were fog? Why? Do you have evidence for this? (Spark I know you do!)

 

I don't think I believe in "fog". I believe the emotions he felt at the time were real emotions, however, they were based somewhat on a faulty basis. Most of the affair was an emotional affair via email/phone. I believe that type of situation does not lend itself to an accurate assessment of a person. In fact, when she started making frequent visits is when he terminated the relationship.

 

10. AOB - because I quite like TJs

I hope you are doing OK, WR. I don't know how many recovered marriages truly recover. I do know that mine has. It's been almost 6 years now and we are in love. I feel incredibly lucky and I know that he does as well.

 

If I could help you with your pain and confusion, I would do so, but I don't know that anything anyone else has to say ever truly applies. We all at times search for answers to our lives in others who have trod something close to the path we are traveling, but I don't really think that we find answers anywhere but in our own hearts.

 

Practice kindness, it probably helps get us past our own pain more than anything else.

[Snowflower]

Wow. I am so touched by these honest answers. Three things strike me. That all the BSs here loved their MPs in the start, that despite doubt that went on, and that money had no part to play.

 

I am heartened by all that - especially the money bit. People have integrity.

 

And in this thread there was honesty and no trolling or sides. (I think more or less).

 

I don't have more questions, except one I am not sure the BSs on this thread can answer. Because it's clear they know they love/d their WS.

 

What speaks out here is love.

 

Thank you, you have given me such insight, and with that wisdom to take away about how love endures beyond betrayal - if the love was there.

 

I am blind to my xMOM's thoughts or his BSs's. As the xMOW, I sincerely felt there was no love there beyond the devotion love of duty. And I had heard her say she had never loved him.

But what I see in these answers is that M love runs deep - and that decisions after DDay are not made so selfishly as an OW might think re the BS.

 

I wish all the people who have responded here much luck in their continued reconcliliations. And thank you.

 

Thanks for your very kind words, wheelwright.

 

I was also touched by the responses on this thread--and by the similarity of the answers to your questions. Maybe in these answers here are the essential elements to a successful reconciliation.

 

I bolded the part of your post which I thought was crucial to your original questions here and I think I remember you mentioning that the BS in your situation saying that she never loved her H. If she said that and genuinely meant it, then that is sad and I can kind of understand why you then felt it was more acceptable (while never saying it was right) to enter into an affair with her H. It's a little different when you hear it first hand, rather than the MM saying, "yeah, my wife doesn't love me."

 

I'm not sure if this helps but my H was convinced that somehow I didn't really love him and that gave him the self-justification to enter into an A. I am very sure that he told his OW this as well, so she also probably used it as a justification. "Poor guy, his wife doesn't really love him." My H and I had some pretty serious issues pre-affair but he never once came out and asked me at that time whether or not I loved him. I wish that he had and maybe we could saved all the heartbreak! I certainly never told my H or anyone else that I had never loved him--it was simply not true.

 

Like silk mentioned above, no one on this thread can tell you definitively what the BS in your situation is/was thinking or feeling toward her husband. It is very possible that she was like me, realized what/who she was losing and it made her start to make the changes she needed. No one knows, except her.

 

I know it is a common assumption sometimes to believe that the BW doesn't want to give up her H simply because there is an OW in the picture. That the BW doesn't want her H but she doesn't want anyone else to have him either. I'm sure that does happen. But sometimes, you have to nearly lose something to see what you really have.

Edited March 23, 2010 by Snowflower

[seren]

I would like to echo what Snowflower has said, it just seems to sum up my experience also.

 

I hope you are doing OK Wheelwright - all A's as all M's are different, none of us truly knows what goes on in the other, only the MP really knows and they have to lie to enable the A to continue. One of the things that really surprised me after D Day was that I felt compassion for the OW who thought that their A was different and that she and H were going to be together. I ended up supporting her !! He was truly shocked she thought this, although I am sure he must have given her the impression this was so. Three people two relationships and only one person aware of what is really what, it's no wonder it all gets messy.

Seren

 

Apologies for stating the bleeding obvious, 'twas a thought provoking thread with no mud slinging. I hope you find peace.

[crazycatlady]

I would like to echo what Snowflower has said, it just seems to sum up my experience also.

 

I hope you are doing OK Wheelwright - all A's as all M's are different, none of us truly knows what goes on in the other, only the MP really knows and they have to lie to enable the A to continue. One of the things that really surprised me after D Day was that I felt compassion for the OW who thought that their A was different and that she and H were going to be together. I ended up supporting her !! He was truly shocked she thought this, although I am sure he must have given her the impression this was so. Three people two relationships and only one person aware of what is really what, it's no wonder it all gets messy.

Seren

 

Apologies for stating the bleeding obvious, 'twas a thought provoking thread with no mud slinging. I hope you find peace.

 

I like what you said a lot, only, I would disagree that only one person aware of what is really what, sometimes even they aren't aware.

[seren]

Hi Crazycatlady - in response to

 

I like what you said a lot, only, I would disagree that only one person aware of what is really what, sometimes even they aren't aware.

 

The only person who really has a full grasp on what is being said to who and why why it is being said in order to have their needs met is the MM/MW. Both BS and OP are told whatever the MM/MW wants them to hear to enable the A to continue. They may not know why they are having an A, but they are, they may not know what they want, but they still will do whatever it takes to make sure they get it. I think married people having an affair that is hidden are inherently selfish, they have to be for their needs to be met and for their needs to be met at the expense of lying to someone else (either BS or OP). I have no problem with selfishness, as long as everyone is singing from the same hymn sheet and has the same choices. Just my opinion and not intended as a slur on anyone's situation.

Hope you are OK

Seren

Edited March 23, 2010 by seren
Typo

[Snowflower]

 

The only person who really has a full grasp on what is being said to who and why why it is being said in order to have their needs met is the MM/MW. Both BS and OP are told whatever the MM/MW wants them to hear to enable the A to continue. They may not know why they are having an A, but they are, they may not know what they want, but they still will do whatever it takes to make sure they get it. I think married people having an affair that is hidden are inherently selfish, they have to be for their needs to be met and for their needs to be met at the expense of lying to someone else (either BS or OP).

 

I kind of agree with the poster who said that many times the MP/WS doesn't really quite grasp what they are doing when the are in the middle of the A. That certainly described my H when he was in his A.

 

I know it is the popular opinion to say that the MP is simply selfish and is doing everything they can to get their needs met by the BS and the AP. I think that is too simple...of course they are being selfish, but it is more complicated than that many times. It's sort of like saying that people have affairs just for the sex on the side. I mean, everyone is selfish from time to time but not everyone goes out and has an affair. There has to be more to it than that.

 

IMO, using 'selfishness' as the main reason for a MM/MW to have an affair is narrow-sure it's part of the reason but not all of it. The other reasons can be complicated and vary greatly depending on the MP.

[wheelwright]

Thanks for your very kind words, wheelwright.

 

I was also touched by the responses on this thread--and by the similarity of the answers to your questions. Maybe in these answers here are the essential elements to a successful reconciliation.

 

I bolded the part of your post which I thought was crucial to your original questions here and I think I remember you mentioning that the BS in your situation saying that she never loved her H. If she said that and genuinely meant it, then that is sad and I can kind of understand why you then felt it was more acceptable (while never saying it was right) to enter into an affair with her H. It's a little different when you hear it first hand, rather than the MM saying, "yeah, my wife doesn't love me."

 

I'm not sure if this helps but my H was convinced that somehow I didn't really love him and that gave him the self-justification to enter into an A. I am very sure that he told his OW this as well, so she also probably used it as a justification. "Poor guy, his wife doesn't really love him." My H and I had some pretty serious issues pre-affair but he never once came out and asked me at that time whether or not I loved him. I wish that he had and maybe we could saved all the heartbreak! I certainly never told my H or anyone else that I had never loved him--it was simply not true.

 

Like silk mentioned above, no one on this thread can tell you definitively what the BS in your situation is/was thinking or feeling toward her husband. It is very possible that she was like me, realized what/who she was losing and it made her start to make the changes she needed. No one knows, except her.

 

I know it is a common assumption sometimes to believe that the BW doesn't want to give up her H simply because there is an OW in the picture. That the BW doesn't want her H but she doesn't want anyone else to have him either. I'm sure that does happen. But sometimes, you have to nearly lose something to see what you really have.

 

Thanks SF.

 

I agree with your last sentence 100%. I wish I knew if this is what happened in the case of the xMOM's M. Perhaps that's why I started the thread.

 

I guess from the actions of those concerned I should feel they are happily woken up to mutual devotion - that the A was a misguided cry for help from him to finally achieve intimacy with the woman he loves. She is a woman who finds intimacy difficult, so this may have even been cathartic for her, despite the pain.

 

It's absolutley true that I believed she didn't love him, and she did tell me this herself. This fact has made it harder to accept that they are happily reconciled. but I appreciate what you said about people not always knowing their deeper feelings when it comes to their M. I know I have to let my doubts drop as they are (should not be) important to my recovery.

 

Most threads go beyond the thread starter idea, often in a good way. This one was started with my needs in mind, but has become a beautiful collage of collected feelings of BSs after betrayal.

 

Thanks to all those who wished me well here. I am not really in a good place, but I am happy at times. I am a naturally happy person, and know I will get there.

 

I have to find resources in myself, because the two people who could give me peace of mind - closure I guess - do not talk to me (of course I don't blame them). But being thrown under a bus should have given that to me already. This is my problem - I don't fully accept reality and want it screamed at me by the main protagonists. The answers here have at least given me whispers.