Passionate woman can't forget passionate ex-bf but is married to even-keel guy

March 19, 2010

Love language is different

Been married 4 1/2 years. I'm 30, we just had a baby six months ago. My hubby and I don't speak the same love language, and lately it's killing me. I miss the passion, fun, rough and tumble of it all and it's gone! I'm a hopeless romantic, I love passion, excitement, adventure and I show love through words and spending time with him. He shows love by doing service for me, but I'd much rather he curl up with me on the couch and talk with me than go wash my car like sometimes he'd rather do). What we have in common is that we both like sex (yay! I know, that isn't always a given so I had to state it), though lately it's been so hard to put the sizzle back into it with all the energy we spend on the new baby.

Questions for you

Do any of you NOT speak the same love language as your spouse? (I'm referring to book about The 5 Love Languages) How do you compensate?

Are you a hopeless romantic married to an even-keel kind of person like I am? Or, are you a hopeless romantic married to another hopeless romantic? Does passion fade in that relationship, too?

To make matters a bit worse, Hubby travels 4 days a week. We are losing the energy to do video cam with each other in the evenings. He seems to be so tired with work, too tired to want to video cam and too tired to really sit down and have a good conversation with me. Then when he comes home on Friday, he expects me to know that he loves me but he didn't put the effort in during the week to tell me so! I get so sad he doesn't seem to care to see me and the baby or to talk with me. And so, I lose my steam. When he comes home, I'm not so excited to get down and dirty with him. I'm a flower and I need constant nourishment!

Can't forget ex-bf

Also, my ex-boyfriend (a hopeless romantic like me, and the last guy I loved before my husband) just popped up on facebook and "friend requested" me. We exchanged 2 pleasant "how's the weather" e-mails and no more. But it all came flooding back. He has a killer smile, just like he did five years ago, he is now recently married, but oh my gosh I remember all the passion we had. We fell head over heels in love with each other, after being friends for a year. Then suddenly, after 4th of July fireworks and a year of ignoring him, we realized we totally loved each other! Our lives and feelings and thoughts for each other just fell into place in one night. (And the journal entries I just read prove it - oh I shouldn't read them!) We dated a while and we just had such a passion for each other. Before he was going to propose to me, I freaked out and walked away from the relationship. We talked about it yes, but for some reason, I just couldn't marry him. I didn't have an explanation. He called my parents and asked how he could get me back. He called my friends and asked how he could get me back. I ached about the whole thing because to this day he could take one look at my face and know my thoughts and feelings - my hubby doesn't have the same skills! Word got to me that Ryan was still heart broken even after the year I got married. It pained me because I was so in love with him, and I just don't know why I couldn't get to the next step.

The very next guy I dated after him is my now-hubby. Hubby and I did not fall head over heels in love. We dated, took the relationship slowly, and love grew gradually and completely until voila! We just knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together - I'd never met someone like him and same for him. He was the safe choice for me - a good, nice guy as opposed to Ryan, who might have been viewed as a bit of a womanizer who, as a matter of fact, was only in love with me. At times I feel "in love" with Hubby, but I don't think he's ever felt it like I do. It's not in his nature. I hate it.

Questions for you

How can I forget my ex-bf? I need to because I have a nice-guy husband, but my super sexy and passionate ex-bf is flooding my mind lately since he recently popped up on facebook. I wish my hubby was as passionate about me as ex-bf was (and said things like "I love you more than I've ever loved a woman in my entire life" like the ex-bf did. Or, "No one will ever love you as much as I do" and say it with such conviction) My hubby just says "I love you" and expects that I know what he means. I hate it. So dry. Help!

Please: Only comments that will support my relationship with the hubby. I fully intend to be married to him the rest of my life. I am just having a hard time right now and wondering why I didn't marry the hopeless romantic guy.

March 20, 2010

Love language is different
Been married 4 1/2 years. I'm 30, we just had a baby six months ago. My hubby and I don't speak the same love language, and lately it's killing me. I miss the passion, fun, rough and tumble of it all and it's gone! I'm a hopeless romantic, I love passion, excitement, adventure and I show love through words and spending time with him. He shows love by doing service for me, but I'd much rather he curl up with me on the couch and talk with me than go wash my car like sometimes he'd rather do). What we have in common is that we both like sex (yay! I know, that isn't always a given so I had to state it), though lately it's been so hard to put the sizzle back into it with all the energy we spend on the new baby.

Questions for you
Do any of you NOT speak the same love language as your spouse? (I'm referring to book about The 5 Love Languages) How do you compensate?

Are you a hopeless romantic married to an even-keel kind of person like I am? Or, are you a hopeless romantic married to another hopeless romantic? Does passion fade in that relationship, too?

To make matters a bit worse, Hubby travels 4 days a week. We are losing the energy to do video cam with each other in the evenings. He seems to be so tired with work, too tired to want to video cam and too tired to really sit down and have a good conversation with me. Then when he comes home on Friday, he expects me to know that he loves me but he didn't put the effort in during the week to tell me so! I get so sad he doesn't seem to care to see me and the baby or to talk with me. And so, I lose my steam. When he comes home, I'm not so excited to get down and dirty with him. I'm a flower and I need constant nourishment!

Can't forget ex-bf
Also, my ex-boyfriend (a hopeless romantic like me, and the last guy I loved before my husband) just popped up on facebook and "friend requested" me. We exchanged 2 pleasant "how's the weather" e-mails and no more. But it all came flooding back. He has a killer smile, just like he did five years ago, he is now recently married, but oh my gosh I remember all the passion we had. We fell head over heels in love with each other, after being friends for a year. Then suddenly, after 4th of July fireworks and a year of ignoring him, we realized we totally loved each other! Our lives and feelings and thoughts for each other just fell into place in one night. (And the journal entries I just read prove it - oh I shouldn't read them!) We dated a while and we just had such a passion for each other. Before he was going to propose to me, I freaked out and walked away from the relationship. We talked about it yes, but for some reason, I just couldn't marry him. I didn't have an explanation. He called my parents and asked how he could get me back. He called my friends and asked how he could get me back. I ached about the whole thing because to this day he could take one look at my face and know my thoughts and feelings - my hubby doesn't have the same skills! Word got to me that Ryan was still heart broken even after the year I got married. It pained me because I was so in love with him, and I just don't know why I couldn't get to the next step.

The very next guy I dated after him is my now-hubby. Hubby and I did not fall head over heels in love. We dated, took the relationship slowly, and love grew gradually and completely until voila! We just knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together - I'd never met someone like him and same for him. He was the safe choice for me - a good, nice guy as opposed to Ryan, who might have been viewed as a bit of a womanizer who, as a matter of fact, was only in love with me. At times I feel "in love" with Hubby, but I don't think he's ever felt it like I do. It's not in his nature. I hate it.

Questions for you
How can I forget my ex-bf? I need to because I have a nice-guy husband, but my super sexy and passionate ex-bf is flooding my mind lately since he recently popped up on facebook. I wish my hubby was as passionate about me as ex-bf was (and said things like "I love you more than I've ever loved a woman in my entire life" like the ex-bf did. Or, "No one will ever love you as much as I do" and say it with such conviction) My hubby just says "I love you" and expects that I know what he means. I hate it. So dry. Help!

Please: Only comments that will support my relationship with the hubby. I fully intend to be married to him the rest of my life. I am just having a hard time right now and wondering why I didn't marry the hopeless romantic guy.

Ok, I'll try and be direct, without being to rude and disrespectful. The things you are mentioning are becoming far too common, and from this board, it seems to be more women involved.

I understand some of the differences you mention between your husband and yourself. The different love language, the missing passion etc. Well, how often do you make your husband feel loved and desired?

I still cannot understand why modern day women and society feel that only women deserve to be desired and cherished. For men, it's just, " yea, mow the lawn, bring home a paycheck and f***k off, and if your jealous at all, you are insecure". oh, and by the way, you better make me feel desirable every hour of every day.

I don't know your interactions with your husband, but all you have mentioned is how great this other guy is-I suppose in comparison to your husband. This is so prevalent now with women- I can't stand it! Marry the poor safe bastard, then rub his face in it how better other men are, and basically steal yeas of his life when he could have found someone who would desire him too.

Do you think maybe he consciously knows some of the thoughts you wrote about? men can be perceptive too. How can he be so passionate towards someone who doesn't want him? is hot for someone else? it's emasculating and humiliating for him. What's that? you tell him? But it's a lie anyway, isn't it? just look at how great you make this other guy out to be. Will you be bragging about how the sex used to be in another thread?

I don't mean to be harsh, but this is becoming so prevalent. Women need to realize that their wants are valid, and they deserve to be loved and cherished (an so do men), but they want the husband to generate this in-love feeling every hour of every day, and have hot passionate porno like sex to the end of time. Guess what, it doesn't work that way, and it doesn't mean you are settling. People and relationaships go through ebbs and flows, not to mention familaraity. Also, you both will age. You will not look like PAm Anderson forever any more than he will look like Brad Pitt, if you both ever did anyway.

The grass is usually not greener. There are stories on here from women who make it sound so fairytale when they flew the coop, and found real passion and love. First, lets see several years down the road. Next, for every one of those stories, there are 2 or 3 that suffered from finding out the grass is not greener, it just seems that way.

So, I'm not telling you to forget what you need, but you have a lot of thinking to do. Using facebook is a disaster waiting to happen. You are so ripe to eventually start something with this other guy-happens all the time.

Good luck to you, and good luck to your husband.

Edited March 20, 2010 by pyroguy

March 20, 2010

I can't really answer your questions but can offer some food for thought based on a similar experience from my life...

I also left the man who loved me like no one else...and I also went back to him...and I left him again. And I still think of him from time to time.

The thing I have figured out in my situation ultimately was that I took him for granted basically. Even though he felt passionately about me, and I loved that aspect of him, in some weird way it took away some of the excitement and challenge...it was almost as though I couldn't fully respect him, maybe I had self-esteem issues, whatever. Ultimately, when I went back to him again (I broke up with my BF and as soon as he found out when I called him, he dumped his GF of three years) it just came rolling back to me that in some way I regarded his passion for me as some form of slobbering obsequiousness and it almost irritated me after a short time.

Now I am with someone who not only makes me wonder if he even loves me, but is selfish and sometimes verbally mean to me. So I think about this guy who just loved me so much and also wonder, why did I not stay with him? Then I remember, he made it so easy for me to take him for granted and feel irritated by the relentless support and love!!

For some reason that I can only explain as some huge character flaw related to self-esteem, I find it more compelling to be with someone with whom I have to keep proving myself and trying to win the affection that I think I deserve, yet don't seem to want if freely given. Sigh.

Reminds me of the quote about not wanting to belong to a club that would have me as a member.

Don't know if any of that applies to you, but thought I would throw it out there. But, I did romanticize the relationship a few years after I had left him, and did go back...and am sorry that I did, because it hurt him that much more when I left him the second time...and it did not take long for me to realize that I was missing what he felt for me, not what I felt for him...try to give some thought as to what the "some reason" you could not commit to him was. Chances are, it's still true. I know you don't intend to leave your husband, but think it would help you if you could get past the wistfulness about your ex and move forward without these doubts and half-baked regrets...

March 20, 2010

I think that you are playing with fire, regarding the ex. Stop trying to figure out why you are not with him. Deal with reality. You are married to someone else. Your husband must have had SOMETHING, because most people would not marry just anyone, for no particular reason.

I also think that you are a bit too "me" oriented. Don't get me wrong. It is actually "normal", considering your situation.

You are tired, your husband is tired, and is gone a lot. I think those few things alone can cause you to start dreaming about the "greener grass" on the "other side".

The guy is out making a living, away from you and the baby. Maybe he is stressed to the max. Maybe he just cannot shower you with constant attention at this time.

However, that is no excuse to just throw in the towel. Just for awhile, I would focus on making HIM feel loved and desired, no matter what. I would forget my own feelings, for just awhile, and focus on him. Make his homecoming an EVENT. Make over him, even if you don't feel like he didn't meet your needs and wants. Put little love notes in his luggage. Pack a "care package" in his bag when he is not looking. You will be surprised how much this can mean to him.

Try this for a few weeks and see how things go.

And stop communicating with the ex. Trust an older married gal who has been in the trenches for awhile, it is NOT greener on the "other side".

March 20, 2010

Your husband is competing with a memory. Memories are always more golden than the reality was. He is competing with a fantasy. He'll never measure up! It isn't a fair comparison.

Stop contact with the ex-boyfriend.

You need to do what is best for your marriage, and staying in contact with this guy is indeed playing with fire.

I wish my hubby was as passionate about me as ex-bf was (and said things like "I love you more than I've ever loved a woman in my entire life" like the ex-bf did. Or, "No one will ever love you as much as I do" and say it with such conviction) My hubby just says "I love you" and expects that I know what he means. I hate it. So dry. Help!

Love is an action. Your husband is showing you that he loves you more than he's ever loved another woman every day that he works to support you and your baby, every time he faithfully comes home to you, every time he washes the car, etc. He doesn't just expect you to know what he means: he is walking the walk every day, showing you that he loves you more than any other woman. Talk is cheap. I know you'd like to hear the words, but the words would be empty if he didn't do all that other stuff. When "love languages" differ, half the challenge is to understand his love language and recognize his expressions of true and undying love.

Then there are your needs. You need to webcam daily to feel connected when he is gone. You need some time cuddling/talking before connecting sexually when he is back. These are perfectly reasonable needs, even if it isn't his preferred "love language".

But there needs to be compromise. If the webcam thing is taxing for him, how can you resolve that? How can you meet both of your needs? Keep it to 5 minutes a day? 10 minutes? Is something about the conversation taxing him? Are you spending those webcam chats sulking because he isn't saying the right things? Very specifically, see what about the daily webcam chats is difficult for him, and find a compromise that works for both of you.

Same with the cuddling. Tell him clearly that you need this connection (be specific about when you need it, not an open ended "you never cuddle meeeeeeeee!"). Use "I" statements. Find compromises that work for both of you. Don't hop into bed without having that connection first, pushing down the need, because you will only grow resentful over the years.

Lastly, you partner can not meet all of your needs. If there is a fundamental difference in desire for passion, you can develop passion outside your marriage in appropriate venues. What are your passions? Writing? Rock climbing? Cooking? Competing? Find safe outlets for the needs that your partner can not meet. This is important for any successful marriage.

March 20, 2010

Delete the ex bf from your facebook and close the door. Don't say you can't because I bet you have done that with other guys you dated in the past that you don't even have a 2nd thought about.

Work on your marriage, particularly your communication skills. Ask for want you need, your husband isn't a mind reader,

Get marriage counseling and work on your marriage instead of fantasizing about the past.

March 20, 2010

I don't have an answer, but I do feel sorry for your husband. I wouldn't be surprised if he felt all this, in you actions and in your thoughts. You are obviously not happy, even if you had a baby together six months ago. You say you don't want to leave your husband... but you already have...

March 20, 2010

'Passion' fades in all relationships... it's YOUR job to bring it back!

I am not kidding you when I say in my neighborhood in suburban America (30's-40, married, kids, etc), most women would kill for a man who satisfied their needs around the house (acts of service as primary love language). IE cooking, cleaning, helping with the kids, washing the car, etc. I honestly do all of that, but likely not enough, as my wife often asks for more help (5 kids will do that I guess)...

In my 17 years with her, passion has increased and decreased at times... when in a rut, we have focused and communicated about the situation, passion and excitement always finds its way back, often better than before.

March 20, 2010

Love language is different
Been married 4 1/2 years. I'm 30, we just had a baby six months ago. My hubby and I don't speak the same love language, and lately it's killing me. I miss the passion, fun, rough and tumble of it all and it's gone! I'm a hopeless romantic, I love passion, excitement, adventure and I show love through words and spending time with him. He shows love by doing service for me, but I'd much rather he curl up with me on the couch and talk with me than go wash my car like sometimes he'd rather do). What we have in common is that we both like sex (yay! I know, that isn't always a given so I had to state it), though lately it's been so hard to put the sizzle back into it with all the energy we spend on the new baby.

Questions for you
Do any of you NOT speak the same love language as your spouse? (I'm referring to book about The 5 Love Languages) How do you compensate?

Are you a hopeless romantic married to an even-keel kind of person like I am? Or, are you a hopeless romantic married to another hopeless romantic? Does passion fade in that relationship, too?

To make matters a bit worse, Hubby travels 4 days a week. We are losing the energy to do video cam with each other in the evenings. He seems to be so tired with work, too tired to want to video cam and too tired to really sit down and have a good conversation with me. Then when he comes home on Friday, he expects me to know that he loves me but he didn't put the effort in during the week to tell me so! I get so sad he doesn't seem to care to see me and the baby or to talk with me. And so, I lose my steam. When he comes home, I'm not so excited to get down and dirty with him. I'm a flower and I need constant nourishment!

Can't forget ex-bf
Also, my ex-boyfriend (a hopeless romantic like me, and the last guy I loved before my husband) just popped up on facebook and "friend requested" me. We exchanged 2 pleasant "how's the weather" e-mails and no more. But it all came flooding back. He has a killer smile, just like he did five years ago, he is now recently married, but oh my gosh I remember all the passion we had. We fell head over heels in love with each other, after being friends for a year. Then suddenly, after 4th of July fireworks and a year of ignoring him, we realized we totally loved each other! Our lives and feelings and thoughts for each other just fell into place in one night. (And the journal entries I just read prove it - oh I shouldn't read them!) We dated a while and we just had such a passion for each other. Before he was going to propose to me, I freaked out and walked away from the relationship. We talked about it yes, but for some reason, I just couldn't marry him. I didn't have an explanation. He called my parents and asked how he could get me back. He called my friends and asked how he could get me back. I ached about the whole thing because to this day he could take one look at my face and know my thoughts and feelings - my hubby doesn't have the same skills! Word got to me that Ryan was still heart broken even after the year I got married. It pained me because I was so in love with him, and I just don't know why I couldn't get to the next step.

The very next guy I dated after him is my now-hubby. Hubby and I did not fall head over heels in love. We dated, took the relationship slowly, and love grew gradually and completely until voila! We just knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together - I'd never met someone like him and same for him. He was the safe choice for me - a good, nice guy as opposed to Ryan, who might have been viewed as a bit of a womanizer who, as a matter of fact, was only in love with me. At times I feel "in love" with Hubby, but I don't think he's ever felt it like I do. It's not in his nature. I hate it.

Questions for you
How can I forget my ex-bf? I need to because I have a nice-guy husband, but my super sexy and passionate ex-bf is flooding my mind lately since he recently popped up on facebook. I wish my hubby was as passionate about me as ex-bf was (and said things like "I love you more than I've ever loved a woman in my entire life" like the ex-bf did. Or, "No one will ever love you as much as I do" and say it with such conviction) My hubby just says "I love you" and expects that I know what he means. I hate it. So dry. Help!

Please: Only comments that will support my relationship with the hubby. I fully intend to be married to him the rest of my life. I am just having a hard time right now and wondering why I didn't marry the hopeless romantic guy.

bethelily , get over ur ex-bf , It was ur past thats is why seems appealing to u . From experience I can tell u that if u spend more time thinking about him , we will not be surprised after a few months u will be asking " how to leave my nice husband ? " on this forum .

March 20, 2010

Delete and block your ex. That way he won't be in your mind all the time.

Talk to your husband, reconnect with him and make it romantic! Let him know what you like and hope from him in bed. Communication is important!

You probably didn't marry the ex as he wasn't suited for you long term. Probably isn't/wasn't father material and everything was based on passion and sex, excitement. There's ALOT more to loving someone than just bedroom stuff.

If you feel your needs are unmet, tell her your H. Do marriage counselling with him. Focus on growing together instead of hanging on the past.

March 20, 2010

Since all this ex-BF stuff popped up *after* having a *baby* with your *husband*, I think a visit to your friendly doctor would be a good first place to start. Get an impartial assessment of your physical health. Then, with that in hand, contact a MC and begin to work on the mental and emotional health of your marriage.

BTW, why didn't you marry and start having babies with your ex-BF? It sounds like all you had to do was say 'yes'. Or, is there more?

March 21, 2010

Thanks, everyone. Suggestions and opinions were appreciated. Ex-bf is now blocked on facebook. I've had a rough month, but you're right - I'm going to take charge and focus on hubby and see how it goes. Thank you.

March 21, 2010

...I find it more compelling to be with someone with whom I have to keep proving myself and trying to win the affection that I think I deserve, yet don't seem to want if freely given. Sigh.

You, and virtually every other woman. And, quite a few guys too.

March 21, 2010

You, and virtually every other woman. And, quite a few guys too.

Not nearly every woman.

But, yes, a healthy relationship requires two emotionally healthy people.

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Passionate woman can't forget passionate ex-bf but is married to even-keel guy

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