How to Move on?

March 19, 2010

I'm not sure what to do here.

I dated this girl for 4.5 years. We broke up 3 years ago. I've tried everything I can think of to get over it.

We had problems communicating and that's why we broke up. However I wouldn't trade our best times with her for anything. I f***ed up. I know it. I have a hard time getting close to someone/committing to some one, but when I do, I do - apparently too tardy. I told her once that at a concert I had an epiphany, a zen like moment. After it happened, I looked for her (to both sides, in the next aisle, under the seat - yeah I was drunk) because she wasn't there and needed to be there. I told her this the next day, and she said it was the nicest thing I ever said to her. The next day she got her bank checks w/ a new address and a couple weeks later she moved out.

I just cannot get her out of my head. Everything I can think, I've tried.

I'm a doctoral student and went through the toughest semester of my life to help block it out/get over it and that didn't work.

I took the following summer off, partied - carefree style - and that didn't work.

I wrote dozens of mad poems. I wrote an album's worth of material (guitar and lyrics) and recorded it. I wrote a book. Typically writing and playing guitar was the antidote. None of that worked.

I've tried the quick rebound. I have no problem attracting other girls. I've tried celebacy. I've tried the ONS thing. I've tried dating other girls. I've tried having another relationship. I've tried multi-dating.

Honestly, I'm not looking for a pity party or sympathy. Just a wtf do I do?

Cheers

March 19, 2010

You dated for quite some time. You said communication was ur problem? What exactly happened that caused the break up? Is there no way for you to re-unite with her and try again?

If all that is a no, then you have to stop putting her on a pedestool and simply try try again. There is no manual for getting over someone. 4.5 years is along time. Again..why exactly did you break up?

March 19, 2010

It's called will-power. It's a decision you make. Good luck!

March 19, 2010

You dated for quite some time. You said communication was ur problem? What exactly happened that caused the break up? Is there no way for you to re-unite with her and try again?

If all that is a no, then you have to stop putting her on a pedestool and simply try try again. There is no manual for getting over someone. 4.5 years is along time. Again..why exactly did you break up?

She's a very quiet girl. We just didn't communicate, drifted apart.

We tried to get back to together right after we broke up and it didn't work out. We tried being just friends and that didn't work either - because we both we're still in love and that just doesn't work. I have will power (you can't be a phd candidate without it) and can go for a while without thinking about it and then it will pop up again and just dominate my thoughts. I just can't get it out of my head.

March 19, 2010

It's hard for me to relate, cause when I break up with a girl, it usually takes me a week tops to get over her, even if we've been together for some time. All I can say is that you need to step back and comprehend two basic concepts: 1) you only live once, and life is short - there's no point in this protracted emotional self-flagellation that you seem to be engaged in; and 2) the girl you were with probably wasn't that special anyway (in fact, if your description of the way she broke up with you is accurate, she is a total c*nt).

March 19, 2010

It's hard for me to relate, cause when I break up with a girl, it usually takes me a week tops to get over her, even if we've been together for some time. All I can say is that you need to step back and comprehend two basic concepts: 1) you only live once, and life is short - there's no point in this protracted emotional self-flagellation that you seem to be engaged in; and 2) the girl you were with probably wasn't that special anyway (in fact, if your description of the way she broke up with you is accurate, she is a total c*nt).

Right I do understand that life is short - Carpe Diem - and I do that for the most part and keep quite busy.

To be fair, we were having problems and had already planned on moving out when I told her that zen like moment..

March 19, 2010

You can live by Johnny M's mantra and "move on within weeks" just to later refer to her as a cunt (shows real signs of maturity:rolleyes:), or you can accept that it just didnt work out and you both couldnt make it work, and try and find the one that inspires you and makes your ex a distant memory. It will happen. It just hasnt happened yet.

March 19, 2010

You cant force a feeling. It just takes time. All you can do is be yourself and take chances when doors open for you in the future.

March 19, 2010

You can live by Johnny M's mantra and "move on within weeks" just to later refer to her as a cunt (shows real signs of maturity:rolleyes:), or you can accept that it just didnt work out and you both couldnt make it work, and try and find the one that inspires you and makes your ex a distant memory. It will happen. It just hasnt happened yet.

Yeah that's not really who I am Besides I have to work with her (although we never see each other since we work from home) and I really don't think she's a c**t.

Any other suggestions other than time??

March 19, 2010

Literally everything you've said is the opposite of exercising willpower.

My very first piece of advice to you is to take control and accept responsibility for your own thoughts. Of course it's not always easy, but that's where willpower comes in.

Are you just plagued with what ifs and what could've beens or what?

March 19, 2010

Literally everything you've said is the opposite of exercising willpower.

My very first piece of advice to you is to take control and accept responsibility for your own thoughts. Of course it's not always easy, but that's where willpower comes in.

Are you just plagued with what ifs and what could've beens or what?

Yes I do feel plagued. .

Will power really isn't a strategy. It's needs to be applied to something. That something is what I'm soliciting.

March 20, 2010

I know where you are coming from...

Im not over my ex

If only it was as easy as will power

I have done so many things since we broke up

Dated lots of men

Even thought about dating men I had absolutely no interest in just to try and get over it

I exercise like crazy, go to school, work, paint, socialize and then everytime Im not 100% busy it hurts

It hurts like hell

and time well it hasn't really done anything for me

Youre not alone

And Im not sure if that helps but thats all Ive got

March 20, 2010

I wrote dozens of mad poems. I wrote an album's worth of material (guitar and lyrics) and recorded it. I wrote a book. Typically writing and playing guitar was the antidote. None of that worked.

I've tried the quick rebound. I have no problem attracting other girls. I've tried celebacy. I've tried the ONS thing. I've tried dating other girls. I've tried having another relationship. I've tried multi-dating.

It sounds like you have to "try time"?

Only time will heal this one, though it may leave a nasty scar.

You might find doing charity (seriously) or helping others...can help you feel better. Honestly. You'd be surprised.

March 20, 2010

You're still upset after 3 years. You're still thinking about her, and what ifs after 3 years. It is a question of willpower - you have to make the decision to move on, instead of wallowing in it. You have to make the decision to NOT think about her and might have beens.

In 3 years you haven't met one single person who you had a what could be thought about?

Are you depressed?

Do you like your life?

Do you like where you are at right now, aside from this one issue?

March 20, 2010

It sounds like you have to "try time"?

Only time will heal this one, though it may leave a nasty scar.

You might find doing charity (seriously) or helping others...can help you feel better. Honestly. You'd be surprised.

Actually I do volunteer Mondays at a senior hospital with my dog. Honestly, it's the highlight of my week Also I do some work with Make A Wish.

March 20, 2010

You're still upset after 3 years. You're still thinking about her, and what ifs after 3 years. It is a question of willpower - you have to make the decision to move on, instead of wallowing in it. You have to make the decision to NOT think about her and might have beens.

In 3 years you haven't met one single person who you had a what could be thought about?

Are you depressed?

Do you like your life?

Do you like where you are at right now, aside from this one issue?

It's more than willpower. It's needs to be applied to a strategy. Think of it like this: You have a cart full of stuff but you need to move it forward. You have a horse to power it (will power), but nothing to connect the horse and cart. I've tried twine and string (and will continue to since they worked in the past), but those aren't working. What material should I apply this power?

Sure I have met people and had the what-ifs, but it doesn't stick or the relationship didn't last.

For the most part I'm not depressed. I have an active life and enjoy doing many activities (which reminds me I need to sign up for softball ). But this issue doesn't stay away and it does depress me for a while. Something will happen and I'll forget about it, but it's this recurrence.

March 20, 2010

It's more than willpower. It's needs to be applied to a strategy. Think of it like this: You have a cart full of stuff but you need to move it forward. You have a horse to power it (will power), but nothing to connect the horse and cart. I've tried twine and string (and will continue to since they worked in the past), but those aren't working. What material should I apply this power?

Sure I have met people and had the what-ifs, but it doesn't stick or the relationship didn't last.

For the most part I'm not depressed. I have an active life and enjoy doing many activities (which reminds me I need to sign up for softball ). But this issue doesn't stay away and it does depress me for a while. Something will happen and I'll forget about it, but it's this recurrence.

The definition of willpower being: self-control: the trait of resolutely controlling your own behavior, I don't think your analogy fits.

The horse represents physical power, not willpower. Your willpower is what makes the cart move, come hell or high water.

I don't know you, and I don't know your history, but what I'm getting at with my questions is that it seems to me, from the very limited information I have, that you feel something is missing from your life. I don't think what is missing is this particular girl, but something she represents that you could find in many, many other ways (or people).

Maybe this bugs you because you feel that you failed in some way.

And, just fyi, I'm currently reading a lot of research and essays on resiliency and survival and so on, so that is where I'm coming from. These things are definitely easier for some than they are for others.

March 20, 2010

perhaps you don't need her out of your head. maybe you need to come to grips with the fact that she was a part of your life at one point, that she moved you in a big way, that you had the best times of your life with her ... maybe you need to accept the past as being the past and quit wanting what you had and quit seeking that in new people, and begin accepting new people, and new experiences for what they are.

and probably then, you'll remember those times with your ex, as: yea it was great, memories come, you smile, and then they vanish.

ime, that only came with time. and when i was in your shoes at that one point in my life, that moment didn't arrive until about 4.5 yrs after i broke up with her, so i know what you're going through. i think you'll be fine

March 20, 2010

The definition of willpower being: self-control: the trait of resolutely controlling your own behavior, I don't think your analogy fits.

The horse represents physical power, not willpower. Your willpower is what makes the cart move, come hell or high water.

I don't know you, and I don't know your history, but what I'm getting at with my questions is that it seems to me, from the very limited information I have, that you feel something is missing from your life. I don't think what is missing is this particular girl, but something she represents that you could find in many, many other ways (or people).

Maybe this bugs you because you feel that you failed in some way.

And, just fyi, I'm currently reading a lot of research and essays on resiliency and survival and so on, so that is where I'm coming from. These things are definitely easier for some than they are for others.

That could be. She did have many of those qualities and made me feel that way, albeit not as often as I would have like nor as often as I felt I reciprocated. I do meet a lot of new people and am outgoing.

I certainly feel like I failed.

Again, it's more than will power though. That's why I'm here, to continually work through it. I may have the will power to get a 6-pack abs, but without a technique (situps/crunches) it won't happen. That willpower has to be applied to something I'm not discouting willpower (actually I think it's essential), but in combination with....?

March 20, 2010

perhaps you don't need her out of your head. maybe you need to come to grips with the fact that she was a part of your life at one point, that she moved you in a big way, that you had the best times of your life with her ... maybe you need to accept the past as being the past and quit wanting what you had and quit seeking that in new people, and begin accepting new people, and new experiences for what they are.

and probably then, you'll remember those times with your ex, as: yea it was great, memories come, you smile, and then they vanish.

ime, that only came with time. and when i was in your shoes at that one point in my life, that moment didn't arrive until about 4.5 yrs after i broke up with her, so i know what you're going through. i think you'll be fine

That's interesting. I think for the most part I do that and do meet new people and enjoy them in their unique ways. I don't consciously think I compare them, but perhaps I do unconsciously.

Then something will trigger in my head and it's that same silly cycle again. I really hope there's something more than "time" here

March 20, 2010

What you need to do is let this go. Yes, I know that sounds easier than it is. But consider this: this woman you say you are so mad for is the same woman you wouldn't commit to, even after almost 5 years together. 5 years and no commitment? Think of it from her point of view. A guy who won't commit after almost 5 years is probably someone who will never commit. And this was 3 years ago? It is time to let this go.

March 20, 2010

What you need to do is let this go. Yes, I know that sounds easier than it is. But consider this: this woman you say you are so mad for is the same woman you wouldn't commit to, even after almost 5 years together. 5 years and no commitment? Think of it from her point of view. A guy who won't commit after almost 5 years is probably someone who will never commit. And this was 3 years ago? It is time to let this go.

Well most of the first year we lived 1000 miles away due to graduate school - so 3.5 years is a bit more accurate. Actually I had our engagement planned when we broke up.

March 20, 2010

Well most of the first year we lived 1000 miles away due to graduate school - so 3.5 years is a bit more accurate. Actually I had our engagement planned when we broke up.

Okay, 3.5 then. Still, it is a long time. You also metioned you had "trouble communicating." I don't know what that means.

But to still be yearning for this woman after 3 years apart is unusual. I have to assume she's moved on with her life. You need to as well.

March 20, 2010

Yes I agree and if it was that simple I would have done it.

March 20, 2010

I can't believe this forum

"Move on move on move on... Use your will power... just get over it... control all your thoughts"

If youve had any life experiences its not that easy and the grieving process (the process that happens when you lose something) is different for everyone one... Study that (those of you who think its a science)

What I do is NEVER stop living my life

Refuse to let it stop me from growing and living

and accept that I am still grieving something amazing and it will probably be with me in some ways until the day I die or maybe longer

I think keep doing what your doing and eventually your grief process will work itself out

mine has in some ways but not in others yet

Its okay to hurt and to miss someone

One day you will move on...On your own without thinking about it or analyzing it

It will happen when you are ready

For now let it be

accept your pain as part of you and

Keep living your life

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